Fishface
Bluelighter
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The ANGRY thread v2
- Thread starter Mugz
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pinkpapaver
Bluelighter
indeed is true. My sister rang to ask if I was going to ireland this summer. Told her probably not. She said that she would take my dad. I said it'd be nice if i went too, but I said I know that she doesn't want to be in the same car as me. Of course she went into one of well it wouldn't work blah blah blah and I know it wouldn't work. I came away from the conversation thinking that it says more about her than me . (I'm not being very clear here but a couple of years ago she wouldn't go if I went and I was upset by that, now I realise that it says more about her than it does about me)
cherrycolouredfunk
Bluelighter
Urgh, sisters. Yeah, you're right, it says more about her than you.
My sister is getting married in August, i've not yet had an invite, and probably wont. See, her issue with me started BEFORE she knew I was a heroin addict. So, I can't even blame it on that, though since then her attitude has changed further. I don't know why she won't invite me, it's like she thinks i'll turn up there and show her up, either either get drunk (she used to know I'd drink too much) but I don't drink these days. If I do, it'll be a couple in a social setting, or ie at a wedding etc.
It's really really cutting me up at the moment. I said to my Dad, when she last saw me I was flat out using, and 8 stone. Him and her didn't have any clue that I was using. I said to my Dad, did you think there was anything up with me then, he answered 'no'. My sister (being ex anorexic) even complimented me on my weight loss!! I'm a a loss, and FUCKING ANGRY with her!
Sent a text to her other day, thinking she might give me some advice, about a job I found,and wanted her opinion if it might be a sham (was dressed up as sales and marketing, but I had a feeling it was just a cover for door to door sales, sussed it out myself, it was a sham) in the text I did not mention that I'd left my current job. I don't get a reply from her, but next day I get a text from my dad saying 'What's going on, I thought you were working, why've you quit to look for other jobs?' She's running to him twisting my words causing trouble. Fuck knows. I'm almost at the point of writing her off, I don't need judgemental family members, I've got enough of it with friends. I write them out of my life too.
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Pagey
Bluelight Crew
Kay I'm gonna go on a massive self-centered rant because well I need it and this is after all the angry thread so whatever.
I am SO sick of this past year. I don't get why I can't catch a fucking break. I just do NOT fucking understand how someone is supposed to deal with PTSD which is coming out x100 because apparently I can't stop using psychedelics (who gets fucking addicted to psychedelics? ffs) while in heroin PAWS that just will not fucking end, with my father dying and my mother trying to kill herself every couple of months, friends dying, an internship that doesn't pay me and yet keeps me at work ten hours a day while all my friends are off having fun on vacation, friends which I don't really even have any more because I just gave up on everyone while I was on heroin, and a boyfriend who deserves someone way better than me and I'm just inevitably gonna end up hurting sooner than later. Oh yeah also I've lost over 10kg in under 2 months and I can't appear to sleep more than two hours a night.
Seriously. I am sick of this. And since I'm sick of this I want to use heroin, but I can't! And I don't know how else to deal with things and just everything is so shit these days. fuck this.
/end rant
I am SO sick of this past year. I don't get why I can't catch a fucking break. I just do NOT fucking understand how someone is supposed to deal with PTSD which is coming out x100 because apparently I can't stop using psychedelics (who gets fucking addicted to psychedelics? ffs) while in heroin PAWS that just will not fucking end, with my father dying and my mother trying to kill herself every couple of months, friends dying, an internship that doesn't pay me and yet keeps me at work ten hours a day while all my friends are off having fun on vacation, friends which I don't really even have any more because I just gave up on everyone while I was on heroin, and a boyfriend who deserves someone way better than me and I'm just inevitably gonna end up hurting sooner than later. Oh yeah also I've lost over 10kg in under 2 months and I can't appear to sleep more than two hours a night.
Seriously. I am sick of this. And since I'm sick of this I want to use heroin, but I can't! And I don't know how else to deal with things and just everything is so shit these days. fuck this.
/end rant
Pagey
Bluelight Crew
No, heroin doesn't solve anything at all...solves it for a few hours and then everything just becomes worse. However it's pretty good at making you feel like it'll solve stuff. In terms of sleep it's just except the very odd night, I haven't slept more than 3-4 hours a night in about 5-6 months and it's really starting to drive me insane...you know how lack of sleep makes everything else worse.
But yes, a break from everything would be nice. Hah.
Thanks adam
But yes, a break from everything would be nice. Hah.
Thanks adam
StoneHappyMonday
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 10, 2001
- Messages
- 18,084
And this too shall pass...hang in there.
You are young and intelligent. These are good attributes. Both will make it easier for these things to pass. IMO, your work is taking the piss, but that's how things work these days I believe. I don't know about your PTSD but no, nobody can be addicted to psychedelics and your drug use does not appear problematic to me. Easing suffering can equal making happy. Never forget we take drugs to make ourselves happy.
Relationships are life and life goes wrong sometimes. It's inevitable. It's not your 'fault' or destiny. It's just called life. And you don't know the future so stop dissing yourself for things that haven't even happened. I doubt your bf feels he deserves someone 'better' than you. We all have an ego to bash ourselves with.
And this too shall pass. Today is not forever. Thank goodness.
Pagey
Bluelight Crew
Aha...no, I get your suggesting it but trust me, heroin has ruined me to my core and turned me into an empty angry robot and if I start using again as a means to escape reality I'm only going to end up ruining my life more. Getting clean is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do and I don't want to go back there.
I would kill for a nice vacation right now but I have to finish this fucking internship. Sadly I don't think I'm going to get a break before Christmas or something. Dunno. I guess I need to find positive ways to channel my frustration or something...
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
thanks again, I really appreciate it.
And this too shall pass...hang in there.
You are young and intelligent. These are good attributes. Both will make it easier for these things to pass. IMO, your work is taking the piss, but that's how things work these days I believe. I don't know about your PTSD but no, nobody can be addicted to psychedelics and your drug use does not appear problematic to me. Easing suffering can equal making happy. Never forget we take drugs to make ourselves happy.
Relationships are life and life goes wrong sometimes. It's inevitable. It's not your 'fault' or destiny. It's just called life. And you don't know the future so stop dissing yourself for things that haven't even happened. I doubt your bf feels he deserves someone 'better' than you. We all have an ego to bash ourselves with.
And this too shall pass. Today is not forever. Thank goodness.
Thanks SHM.
Regarding problematic drug use, I've barely had a sober day in well, over a year. If it's not heroin it's some other opiate or cocaine, or psyches, or benzos...it really is bringing me down and I have no idea how to stop. We do take drugs to make ourselves happy but when we take drugs every day because we don't know how to live without them it really is a problem
I don't really want to go into the PTSD but suffice to say it's made it really hard for me to have normal interactions with people lately.
Dunno it's just I've found the most ridiculously supportive BF in the world and I feel like shit for not managing to give it back to him somehow. Seems like a stupid thing to complain about I guess but I really feel like an awful person.
But hey you're right, I don't know the future, one day at a time and all that...thank you.
knock
Bluelighter
I don't understand the internship, it's not something I have experience of, but it sounds like slave labour to me. Perhaps there is an educational element and you will be an improved person at the end. Is this true? If not, I know what I would do.
Pagey
Bluelight Crew
I know, I know...I'm just worried I'll regret it later if I stop...I think I'm going to ask to end it early.
knock frankly I don't think it's going to bring me much more than it already has, it's more about staying on good terms with the boss because she's extremely influential and could probably land me a good job later on. Other that...no, there really isn't any point at all. But I'm worried about giving up on that kind of opportunity. I seriously just dunno what to do. Is a potential job later on worth sacrificing your mental health for a while?
NO (I typed yes by mistake, read the last part of that question wrong)I know, I know...I'm just worried I'll regret it later if I stop...I think I'm going to ask to end it early.
knock frankly I don't think it's going to bring me much more than it already has, it's more about staying on good terms with the boss because she's extremely influential and could probably land me a good job later on. Other that...no, there really isn't any point at all. But I'm worried about giving up on that kind of opportunity. I seriously just dunno what to do. Is a potential job later on worth sacrificing your mental health for a while?
Anyway, the answer is NO.
mental health first and foremost, it services everything else.
How long can you keep up the vaneer of everything being okay at work? Sleep deprivation leads to bad things.
Based on everything you wrote, there's no room for improvement unless you drop something from the mix. a few things imo. You're using the drugs as a way of dealing with all the rest. Is all the rest going to go away? Your dad situation, your mum situation? .. your internship? Is it really worth pushing yourself until you self destruct just for that job op? There'll be other opportunities.
Youre going to have to go straight back to uni without a break otherwise, and be in the same dilema really ..
Show your intelligent, lovely brain the respect it deserves and give it a break and some TLC. I don't believe you'll regret it (like some have said), and dropping it doesn't have to be a drama .. you can leave on good terms if you do it the right way.
Drop internship > drop the stims > get some sleep > take a break
And don't fucking feel guilty about dropping it either, because that's just counter productive.
Pagey
Bluelight Crew
Yeah you're right adam...I'll talk to the boss, ass if I can finish at the end of the month, or at least in august maybe. If I have to go back to uni immediately after the internship ends I'm just gonna blow a fuse.
Mental and physical health actually, seeing as it would appear I can't even stand up without my heart going into a frenzy anymore.
NO (I typed yes by mistake, read the last part of that question wrong)
Anyway, the answer is NO.
mental health first and foremost, it services everything else.
How long can you keep up the vaneer of everything being okay at work? Sleep deprivation leads to bad things.
Based on everything you wrote, there's no room for improvement unless you drop something from the mix. a few things imo. You're using the drugs as a way of dealing with all the rest. Is all the rest going to go away? Your dad situation, your mum situation? .. your internship? Is it really worth pushing yourself until you self destruct just for that job op? There'll be others opportunities.
Youre going to have to go straight back to uni without a break otherwise, and be in the same dilema really ..
Show your intelligent, lovely brain the respect it deserves and give it a break and some TLC. I don't believe you'll regret it (like some have said), and dropping it doesn't have to be a drama .. you can leave on good terms if you do it the right way.
Drop internship > drop the stims > get some sleep > take a break
And don't fucking feel guilty about dropping it either, because that's just counter productive.
Yes you're right. I'll ask my boss for an appointment tomorrow and see if I can finish at the end of the month. If I continue like this I'm just gonna mess up the job anyway because I won't be able to function anymore, it's better to leave while I'm still doing a good job...thank you
WithMyLife
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Apr 13, 2013
- Messages
- 236
You've got a shit ton on your plate right now, and you're doing the best you can under very difficult circumstances. No point in beating yourself up over it if the best you can do involves a lot of drugs. It's not good to be not sober for long periods of time (unfortunately I don't know how to get out of this trap either). It sounds like you've been strong staying away from the heroin, so give yourself some well deserved kudos for that.
If it feels right to drop the internship (by speaking to your boss and arranging to leave in a way that doesn't burn bridges) then do it. You know yourself and you know if it'll help to do that. Work is the only thing that keeps me even slightly on the straight and narrow, but if you can't keep it up then YES, leave in a controlled and calm way that doesn't make you feel worse.
If it feels right to drop the internship (by speaking to your boss and arranging to leave in a way that doesn't burn bridges) then do it. You know yourself and you know if it'll help to do that. Work is the only thing that keeps me even slightly on the straight and narrow, but if you can't keep it up then YES, leave in a controlled and calm way that doesn't make you feel worse.
Pagey
Bluelight Crew
happy topic here but if a parent is abusive, do the consequences vary depending on whether the child concerned is a minor or an adult? / if so does anyone know how much? / can an abusive parent still be punished if affected child doesn't live at home anymore? or does it become another form of offense?
gayorstraight
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Aug 27, 2012
- Messages
- 2,372
I would assume child abuse relates to those under 16. Then it would be GBH/ABH is guess
If it's the son or daughter, and a parent, I think it would still be classed as abuse if it's 18 or below. But abuse is the wrong term. Causing physical harm to a minor of some other specific term I can't remember
Slightly different terminology if it's not relations I think. I'm not sure really.
I can't imagine it making any difference if it's done in the home or external to it, or whether the abused has moved out, or not.
Slightly different terminology if it's not relations I think. I'm not sure really.
I can't imagine it making any difference if it's done in the home or external to it, or whether the abused has moved out, or not.
parttime crackhead
Bluelighter
If the abused is over 18 surely it just becomes standard assualt or whatever? The fact that they're related shouldn't make any difference at all.
Pagey
Bluelight Crew
Cheers, very helpful. Yeah this is about someone over 18 but not by far so I wasn't sure, for some reason I feel like it should still count as child abuse (or whatever it's called exactly) but standard assault sounds more likely PTCH. Thanks.
Whatever the age or the living circumstances, being a parent is a position of trust and responsibility.
I don't know how the law looks at it (quite probably just common assault), but any sane and compassionate person can recognise that there's an added emotional factor there. I know because I just asked somebody who's sane and compassionate.
Pagey
Bluelight Crew
Indeed...I'm just kinda wondering if/how the consequences would change depending on the kid's age & living siuation, were the police to be informed about the parent's behaviour.
Basically I'm wodnering what it would change if I were to make a complaint (as an adult who doesn't live at home anymore) versus if my brother or sister (minors who live at home) were to.
Basically I'm wodnering what it would change if I were to make a complaint (as an adult who doesn't live at home anymore) versus if my brother or sister (minors who live at home) were to.