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Vent/Rant Thread vs 3 (Triggering Content)

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Today was one of the worst days ever.... However, it got better. Anyways this is being written to someone not anyone here... Anyways I am so happy that you're finally getting help. This has been so fucking hard and I honestly almost gave up today even after all the tears I saw you shed.. even after all the apologies. I knew you were sorry, but I warned you and you just took me for granted. Not once, not twice, but numerous of times... so I had to do what I had to do and I don't regret it because this was the only way to save your life. So far the plan is going well and now you're going to rehab in a couple of days They already found a place for you to go. Its going to be hard and a little bit scary... but you can do this and I'm here to support you. I'll visit you when I'm allowed to and I'll be there every step of the way. Yet, I wasn't lying when I said I'm done with all the bullshit. I truly am.. and I no longer will put your own happiness over mine.
 
hydroazuanacaine said:
^while that's so much easier said then done i sometimes doubt there is a point in saying it, you are right. being on the right track, not just exercise. but that is such a huge piece of it.
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The way I see it is I can always let myself fall off of the track and get back to fucking my life up or just being apathetic about making positive change in general, so whenever I want to, I can "give up" again, so knowing this, it makes it a bit easier for me to jump right back into the good stuff in life whenever I want to.

You can always take a break or go at your own pace with it, but get back "on track" so to speak, I know you can do it! <3
 
I fucking cannot stand insurance companies. Apparently I paid for my plan for absolutely no coverage. :X
 
my parents always worked hard labor since they were young. My mother and brother has endured abuse from my alcoholic father back then, but now my father is better, but at the same time he's getting real old. His time is near and I'm not sure how I feel about that. We're bankrupt and in massive debt and recently we've been evicted and need to move out soon. My mother is still working at over 60 years of age and I want her to rest. I've recently been arrested with felony possession of methamphetamine and I'm not sure what to do, because nobody knows. I'm a fucking nervous wreck right now and nothing seems to be in control for me. I can't live with a felony charge and I want to go back to school to have a good career in the future. I need to find a way to fix everything and I want to start all over again. I wish I can just win the lottery just so I can pay off mortgages that they've been unable to pay for and all of their cars, but that's not the case.
 
I don't think I've ever been more alone.

I don't hang out with people. I don't talk with people. All my friends that I used to be close with have moved away (far away, not like an hour or two car ride, more like a 6+ hour plane ride). I had two friends that were still close by. One of those two killed himself several months ago. I've posted about it before, but have had trouble moving on past this. With this particular friend we would ALWAYS talk about track and would go to meets and stuff. Since his passing I've fallen away from track and have barely followed anything to do with running. That was always my healthy back-up, something to help me get back on track to 'being normal'. Now it makes me sad and disappointed that I can't share that love for the sport the way I used to.

The only other friend I had that was close by has fallen into a deep heroin addiction. So now we've mainly become using buddies. He went from being the only person I'd go running with to being a person I cop with. I don't even do that with him anymore though as I didn't want to keep doing drug things with him since it would just continue to wreck our friendship.

I have no one I can really talk to about any of this. Actually I don't have anyone I could talk to about anything. No one really cares about me. I feel like I'm invisible sometimes. People don't even notice me. If I died I don't think anyone at work would care, except for the fact that they would have to get someone to replace me, which would be difficult. So they would care because of the annoyance that comes with training a new employee.

I have a stepmom and a stepdad. So with them and my real parents I have four parents. Only my mom really cares about me. My stepdad only cares because my mom cares. So if something did happen to me she would be upset, which would make him have to deal with her being upset. Aside from that I don't think I'd be missed much. If something happened to me it wouldn't have any effect on my real dads life. I haven't seen or even talked with him in more than 5 years. I've only seen him three times in the last 10 years.

I'm basically living for my mom and my dog. They're the only ones that would be affected if I weren't around.

I sign on to facebook and it's full of people I know who have moved on, gotten jobs, formed relationships, or are just out having fun. I don't do any of that. To all these people that I'm "friends" with I feel like I'm already gone. I didn't sign on or post anything for a long time on Facebook. I didn't go out in town at all. In that long absence no one ever messaged me asking where I'd been or if I was alright. No one ever called asking why I stopped going out.

I feel jaded. I don't even feel like trying to be social again. I feel destined to just be a loner.


I'm stuck at this point in my life. Stuck in my addiction. I'm not moving forward at all. Time is still passing though. I'm getting older and older, but not gaining anything in the time that's passing. I am clueless as to how I should proceed. I've basically just given up. It's really hard to wake up everyday and be absolutely miserable. I'm in a much better position than a lot of people in the world. I have a place to live, I'm not starving, I've got clean water, hell I'm complaining here on the internet. It makes me feel bad that I'm hating my life so much when I really am much more fortunate than millions of people around the world. I'm such a waste of a person that I don't deserve the things I do have.


I'm just going to stop here. That's enough wallowing in self-pity. What it boils down to is I'm just another average drug addict. I'm selfish and it shouldn't be any surprise that no one cares about me. They don't have a reason to care. I have nothing to offer anyone. I'm not original, not inspirational, not rich, not that smart, not funny nor am I interesting in anyway. I'm here just taking up space and using up resources.
 
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I'm basically living for my mom and my dog. They're the only ones that would be affected if I weren't around.
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thats how i feel most of the time. sucks.

PM if you wanna chat. :)
 
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I'm not sure how I feel...
It feels confusing in every way.
Wondering how I'm going to deal with this felony methamphetamine possession charge.
All these words come up in my head and there are lots of conflicting or synonymous words that I see.
Nobody knows. Not family, not friends.
Dealing with this alone.
Court date is near and I feel anxiety, confusion, and loss of thought and emptiness at times.
All because I got a head injury from falling, my small relapse on heroin and methamphetamine has put me in a world of trouble.
At times, this is psychologically haunting me in every way.
 
hey, Carl. i'm really sorry to hear you are hurting. that said, there is something affirming to see this open (wound) in you. i can always tell from your posts in F&T that you are a smart, good person. but there is not much direct openness in that forum; we get to know each other through subtleties.

Carl Landrover said:
I'm stuck at this point in my life. Stuck in my addiction. I'm not moving forward at all. Time is still passing though. I'm getting older and older, but not gaining anything in the time that's passing. I am clueless as to how I should proceed. I've basically just given up. It's really hard to wake up everyday and be absolutely miserable. I'm in a much better position than a lot of people in the world. I have a place to live, I'm not starving, I've got clean water, hell I'm complaining here on the internet. It makes me feel bad that I'm hating my life so much when I really am much more fortunate than millions of people around the world.
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holyfuck do i relate. i think my morning is rough today? my little brother woke up like 8 hours ago today to start yet another day of inpatient. i feel so fucking bad for him. he doesn't wanna see me during visiting hours. not yet at least. i'm not sure if he is just embarrassed, or if he thinks i will make him crave because we used together. but yesterday i found out they started him on subs. it has me really nervous.

anyway, depression comes in waves. i hope you start feeling a little more up soon. and you're mother caring about you is a base. it's a damn good reason to keep struggling.


you have an attorney, dankhead88? you need someone other than just an attorney to talk to anyway. see if you can't qualify for some sort of nonprofit or state funded counseling system. if not, you gotta put some weight on a family member or friend. a felony charge is not something to deal with alone. my sibling is going through the same, only he does have a support system. must be so much harder without. nothing more to really say then i hope the government leaves you alone as soon as possible.
 
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I've been doing the same thing every month for the last several months since quitting Subutex...
Fill Xanax script = Gone in a day = Week-long "hangover".
Xanax intoxication = Acquire oxycodone + "Forget" about severely lowered opiate tolerance = Faceplant in bowl of spaghetti...

"In other news, local 27-year-old man John Doe drowned in a bowl of spaghetti late Saturday evening after an apparent overdose..."

Yeah, that's not particularly what I want my obituary to read. I need to get my shit together. :|
 
^ That's exactly why I stopped doing Xanax. It makes you feel so great at first...then you either lose your memory and do weird shit, or you fall down somewhere...
 
I work as a gravedigger. I dug graves for some great friends who died either by suicide or OD. 1 year ago I watched my adopted son shoot himself in the head twice, because the first shot didn't kill him. And so I dug his grave too. The feeling of digging your sons grave is a feeling I wouldn't wish for my worst enemy. He shot himself because he was the only black boy in his school and he was being bullied. (I'm white living in a white suburb). This is why I hate people.
 
BigDiggerNick said:
I work as a gravedigger. I dug graves for some great friends who died either by suicide or OD. 1 year ago I watched my adopted son shoot himself in the head twice, because the first shot didn't kill him. And so I dug his grave too. The feeling of digging your sons grave is a feeling I wouldn't wish for my worst enemy. He shot himself because he was the only black boy in his school and he was being bullied. (I'm white living in a white suburb). This is why I hate people.
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<3

Not all people are this bad man. I'm very sorry to hear about your loss.
 
Reading the last few pages put things in perspective. I am full of resentment today because I got a $563 fine for dropping a cigarette butt. The good part is I have the money to pay it but it still sux.
 
Stevenski said:
Reading the last few pages put things in perspective. I am full of resentment today because I got a $563 fine for dropping a cigarette butt. The good part is I have the money to pay it but it still sux.
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What!? That's such a random number.
 
I'm really addicted to heroin. So much so that I almost am to the point of not being able to figure out how to stop. My options are dwindling down to actually needing to go to rehab and needing to get out of the state. Most people here know my basic history, but for those that don't, I've been doing opiates for 9 years now. It's been a little more than 8.5 years since the first time I felt minor opiate WD's. I've gotten clean for periods and been good. I've had periods of very active use, periods on suboxone daily, and periods of chipping and low level using. I've been out of control for a long time now though. I've had a number of periods where I've been out of control before. They were with sniffing dope or with oxy's (the when the old OC pills were around) and a period with the blue 30's and the good Opana pills. I had shot dope plenty of times and gone through some bouts of overdoing it a bit with shooting dope, but never at the level I've been at this past year. This whole last year I've just been shooting dope multiple times a day everyday. Prior to this I honestly didn't think my veins could tolerate this, but I think the veins got used to the abuse. Plus I made sure to rotate injection sites around, got better with shooting efficiency, properly sanitized the areas, and didn't over-use needles, which has helped make this possible. I do have track marks and it seems like permanent bruises on my arms, but I've also never allowed them time to heal.

Every so often, once or twice a month, I'll have a bout where I'll make an effort to get on suboxone and will last 1-3 days, but then I end up doing dope again. It's not like I'm trying to quit opiates all together (not yet at least). I can't even get myself to get back on suboxone! There was a time where I could switch back and forth between using and sub with ease, but since I shoot so often and don't take sub much at all, I have trouble switching back and forth. When I do take sub I have to make sure I'm deep enough in WD or else I get precipitated WDs. It's happened twice and it's even worse than regular WD (if you can imagine that!). It's rather horrifying and as much as it sucks I have to make sure I'm deep into WD before I can take sub. I have a few bags now, it's about half the amount I've been doing a day lately. That's to get me through tomorrow. Then tomorrow night I'm hoping to start WDing, and then I'm going to try and get on sub again. Hopefully this time I can stick to sub and stay away from dope. I'm really just trying to get a full four days away from heroin. I haven't had that in over a year now. For now I have to focus on making the switch onto sub first.
 
Ever since I switched from oxies to the much more readily available heroin, things have been getting out of control for me My bank account is overdrawn, I've got dark circles under my eyes at work, and I'm restless and uneasy when I'm not on H. I chain smoke when I'm high to enhance the effects, which is not good for my asthma.
I've recently begun dating a guy that I'm falling hard for. He knows about my problem. In fact, a couple of weeks ago, we were supposed to go to a show together, and I wound up taking so long to cop, I missed it completely. I was nodding out while I was with him when I met up with him after. I was so zonked out that I needed him to drive me back to his house. He doesn't even have a learner's permit, so I was putting him at risk for getting arrested. When we got to his place, I just broke down sobbing in his arms, completely ashamed of myself. He comforted me at the time, but the next day, he really let me have it. He's pretty much the only good thing that's happened to me since April, when I started using H. I hate myself a lot of the time, and I really want to clean up my act and work on making our relationship work.
I know my co-workers can see I haven't been well recently. I fear it's only a matter of time before they realize or even suspect that drugs are behind it all. I'm hoping to get myself over to a NA meeting, but NA hasn't kept me off of drugs thus far. Still, I'm hoping I can get a sponsor and maybe really start to work at bettering myself. It's hard, though, as copping is almost as much of a high as the drug itself.
 
fuckn half ass stylists blowing through through their work.. result in piss poor haircut, come on .. slap a stylist to the ground shave their painfully distracted head and stab them in the eye with their scissors.. or as really happened publicly chastise them for five minutes in front of a full salaone fro being a damn joke at their profession.. yeah i know its not that big of a fuckn deal, but it also it isn't that hard to engage yourself when doing what you do for a living.. fuck rite, i mean all it would have taken is to listen to what the fuck I said, engage brain, draw on talent, experience and training.. perform profession. I know you can do it because it looked great the first three times you did it.. fuck pull it together girl..
 
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