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Vent/Rant Thread vs 3 (Triggering Content)

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I long for understanding, I sit behind this computer, blind, I hide behind my intellect, No one knows.
 
Sick and fucking tired of chasing a high ill never get again. *SIGHS* Fucking pills screwed me over, tolerance through the roof 150 mgs+ just to feel something.:!
 
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^no, you arent a failure. just because you may have "failed" or made mistakes in the past does not mean that you are a failure. you recognize there are problems and that is what you need to see before you can work on yourself. i hope you can realize that you are much more and will use that to shape yourself positively.

Muzz, let people in on it then. its tough but if you find the right people they will not only listen to your opinions but share theirs

green, why chase then? i know its a hard thought to get past but if you realize youre chasing then you know its not worth it.



Man. I need to leave, forever. I took so many downers last night with a hope that either ill sleep great or maybe just not wake up. here i am coked up again... at least its not jib i guess. I cant wait till things get better.. hopefully soon.

hope the dark side can get some light in,

"Find joy in the simple things, no time for complaining,
The sun will shine, it can't always be raining,
I know it hurts deep, but you must maintain"
 
Being lied to repeatedly and choosing to still stick around is fucking dumb on my part.
And I'm done with everything and everyone..
 
Fuck I wish people would hurry up and make a decision/let me know what's going on. I do a favour for a friend, putting me out monetary wise, and they take their sweet ass time to let me know when (or if) they're going to reimburse me.

I should just stop doing anything for anyone and become a bitter, cynical old bastard.
 
i feel like a loser, and that its always been that way

every time i meet a new person its only a matter of time until they find out how boring and hopeless i am

every group or team which i join seems to get dragged to the bottom with me involved

i cant cope with modern life in general

fuck i hope a t-break helps me integrate into society better
 
I'm just gonna go ahead and dump here, nobody try to reassure me or try to offer suggestions because that's really not what I'm looking for, what I really want is an unadulterated pity party that won't commit me into being in a bad mood for at least the rest of the day. Here goes:

-the car that I just got approved for and started making payments on in October is breaking down again for the third time since i've personally owned it and needs to be fixed again by the mechanic who initially put the new transmission in, he just so happens to live a few hundred miles away and odds are the car won't make it that long/ far but the reality of it is that he hasn't even attempted to return any calls on the matter. Even if he did and could work on the car this week, his work sucks and the car needs to be sold as soon as it's fixed. I hate to dump it on somebody like that but this car really is a hot-potato, I need to pass it before it fucks me out of getting something more user friendly even if that means me having to go through the loan process again to get something a little newer/ better/ more expensive all around.

-my glorious move away from home has officially worn off it's golden facade, the friend that I had originally moved in with ended up being a completely crazy bitch and i am now staying with a girl I met a few weeks ago. That being said, she apparently relapses like a motherfucker and is one of those tricky ones that shows no signs of having any sort of grasp on the program or recovery in general. That also being said, she often comes home high and lying and generally fucked. I'm beginning to wonder if it's not me, but really- it's not me. I've had a few people ask me if I'd want to get a place with them since I've moved up here including a coworker, my main thing is like, I don't know you, you don't know me, I hate living with people and I'm a shitty person to live with so let's just not go there in the first place.

-my job is currently going well enough, but the truth is that I'm not getting paid as much as I'm worth and honestly, one can only expect so much of a check doing what I do, the thing that sucks is that I was spoiled by the job that I had before I moved and everything else is going to suck until I get another one like it. For instance- I now work 45-65 hours a week to make what I used to work around 35-40 for. My schedule also sucks and I'm just now getting time off because they thought I liked "to work that much" like pls bitch, even I have more of a life than that. Also, this job is more of a superficial type compared to working with the individuals with disabilities and it turns out that I'm not enjoying the 'break' from it as much as I thought I would and I'm definitely having a hard time about giving a fuck enough to fit in or try to conform for 7.50 an hour at 40+ hours a week. I overheard some staff talking last night about how certain employees don't seem to be enjoying themselves as much and meshing into "******** (the store name) culture" and isn't faking loving busting ass for a pathetic check and would easily be replaced by twenty who would, aka- one if not more of these bitches ain't conforming and should really just save somebody's breath and quit now. My thing is, no I will not sell out for 7.50 an you at forty hours a week, fuck you very much. I have dignity and respect and know who I am enough to know that I'm worth more than what your brand wants me to be, I'd rather change diapers and spoon feed than have to act and dress the way the employees in that store are expected to.

-I just talked to my little sister on the phone about the fact that none of this housing is as cheap or available as I'd hoped and that I'm running out of options and might have to come home and she tells me, "nooooooooooooo, you can't come here" like believe me dude, I know you're right on this one. In fact, it's the last thing I want to do and I hate to be a pussy about it and have to throw the towel in, but honestly there's only so much I can do as far as making things come together goes. If it's not meant to be it's not meant to be, but goddamn I hate having to admit that. A part of me says fuck all and wants me to take things into my own hands which leads me to

-the fact that na and the people in na keep telling me to seek god's will, do what god wants, follow my gut, etc, I'm all over here like, I'll do whatever god wants as long as it doesn't mean going home. Like, no. Fuck that, I can sit around and meditate and pray all day and act like it gets me anywhere but I'd be a fucking liar if I said that I had any inclination as to what god's will for me is, and I'd be a god damn liar to act like I ever have with the exception of getting clean. Honestly I wouldn't even care if I stayed up here but the recovery up here is so good and so is the idea of me actually being able to make it up here. Like, I had been up here for a month and had the best birthday I've had in a long time thanks to some awesome people, compare that to the birthdays that I've had at home where I literally had to drag people around with me for me not to be alone on my birthday. It's just better up here, man..

-I haven't had a cigarette in two weeks and I've been having cravings like a motherfucker, my only hope is that I continue to kind of come out of this spaced-out fog that I always get when I quit, goddam the promise that I made to my little sister for her graduation present. Besides, I'm already so far in, for me to go back to smoking at this point would be a conscious decision.

-not having a kitchen at my disposal is really fucking wreaking havoc on my body. Not only have I gained weight from stress and quitting cigarettes, but also from not exactly having farm-fresh vegetables at my disposal. The taco bell and wendy's can only serve the purpose for so long, after a while even the act of eating alone makes me feel sick. I'm literally more out of shape than I've ever been, I feel constantly physically uncomfortable and I know I look like a fucking slob. My coworker asked me to go out dancing tonight and I didn't really want to because I was working o art in the first time in forever and was on roll, however it would have been nice to have looked decent enough in anything to have wanted to go out. I have a gym membership but suck at being a morning person unless I have good morning food and some time to be alone as I gain consciousness so I haven't made it a point to go before work, also because I've been bl'ing until 5, 6 in the morning and sleep pretty much up until. The gym isn't open after I get out of work and I need new running shoes, I'm having a hard time even considering new ones when I know that I'm going to have a dramatic jump in rent very soon. I also could use more than essentially more than two sets of athletic wear, but hey- baby steps.

-I haven't had a room of my own in some time, all of my belongings are in my car right now with the exception of my clothes and some of my bathroom items. This is fine except the girl that I'm staying with will randomly be wearing my stuff and I have to be like, "be careful with that shirt, I've only worn it once"

-gahhhhh

there's a lot more to it than this, I just really had to dump the major points on an uninvolved and unsuspecting party. Thanks, tds <3
 
I miss the sacred place we created between mutual basking gazes. I don't miss the soul ripping conspiracies and accusations.

I hate that I ever helped you shoot up. I hate that my naivete helped fuel something so sinister for all those months.

I know I am not your guardian. I was losing so much of myself to keep your insanity going.

I remind myself how lucid you become once locked away from the unpredictability of this outside world. I know you must be lonely and terrified at times. I hope you can feel the wumwums I send every day.

No one else will ever tangle up so completely the way you did with me. Your soul, your perfect true self, was always so bright to me. When you decided to shatter my heart, over and over, it would get so empty and dark I couldn't see anything worth my existence.

I want to see you, but dont want you to know Im looking. I almost called your brother last week to ask if you are ok. Would he even know?

I want to try to send you books again. I just want my beluga to feel safe and warm for a moment, even if I can't be there.

I refuse to lose the bits & pieces of functional existence I've been collecting since they took you away. Since I told them to...

I miss the park, our nest, your garbanzo bean pancakes, the wake of clutter you always managed to leave behind...every shining little piece of our grid.

I treasure you. The energy I lost to you has been returning multiplied. I feel sick that I brought them to take you away... I know you did so much harm to others before me. I also know the sweet caterpillar that hides underneath that demon you tend to be.

Please be well. I am so much stronger without you, and want you to be too.
 
i think this is the thread i've been looking for. i'm horribly depressed and anxious. i am afraid of real life. i have a new job with a salary and house and i don't think i can handle it. i'm constantly afraid of being fired. like, the idea of losing my job is driving me completely insane. i am so stressed out my appetite is ruined. it's a catch because i am not mentally healthy enough right now to not have a job, but losing my job is not a step in the right direction and it's not like i can just not have income. and it's not even really the career i want. i just need to be making money. i wanted to be a professor but then i never applied for grad school. i wanna work in publishing, and i don't live in the right area. steps to actually get on either of those career paths are so huge, risky, and so slow to reward that i just haven't done anything.

i don't drink every day or anything, but when i do drink i don't stop. i make a fool out of myself. i'm not very social, so the few times i do go out i drink. that means the few times i do go out with friends, i act like a fucking idiot. the only reason they are still my friends is because they remember who i really am or was. if i do not pull my shit together soon, i will lose them. and that will make it all the harder. so i am done drinking. not a drop. right now if i can just get it together, i actually do have friends. but not a girlfriend. which will keep me horribly lonely.

one of my immediate family members is a opiate addict. s/he was recently arrested, so i don't really wanna go into details. but i know it's destroying my parents. and my mom just had a tumor or something removed from her breasts. fortunately benign. my point is i know the people that love me are also struggling, and i feel like i'm just a burden.

i know i need to go running. it helps. but i'm so depressed it's hard to get on track. even if i do for a few days, i fall off. i'm just all around so depressed and anxious, it makes everything such a chore and makes getting on the right track so hard.

i'm addicted to pot. i don't care how stupid anyone thinks that sounds. i recently ran out of skag and pot around the same time, and i don't give a fuck about the former. i know opiates are bad news, and the one i really like (hydrocodone) is not really sold or available like the harder ones. boy is too noddy so i can't get high and just watch a movie, read a book, or read a fashion magazine on it. i can get high and do those things with weed, which is all i really want to do in life. on the short-term. like every moment of life, i just want to get high and watch a movie. i need too. but that doesn't accomplish anything, and so the stress that is making me need that so much just builds. and now i don't have weed and don't really have a dealer because i bought a bunch, ended up having to quit for a test, then had a ton left over, and now don't really have any connections.

then there are benzos. which i am scripted. which i dont abuse other than lining my prescribed dose up with when i start drinking. but i am physically and mentally dependent on them. and my levels depression and anxiety waver. this and back in the beginning of high school are the worst i've ever been. i'm so fucking depressed now. and i so don't want to take an SSRI again. i don't know what to do. the pressure to take more of my medicine is there. it helps. but i know it's not a long term solution. i don't wanna get hooked on this shit because i'm doing really bad right now. that will make it so im doing so much worse.

i'm just lonely, sad, and unsure of life.

i'd say that's long enough that no one will really read it. i just needed to vent. given the thread's title, seemed like the appropriate place.
 
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I relapsed in using GHB and GBL and my tolerance is much higher then before now; I can actually drink around 1.8 ml of GBL without loosing consciousness or up to 3.5 ml of GHB.. that's loads. I used to take around 1.2 ml of GBL or at most 2 ml of GHB so I fear the withdrawals would be a lot worse, before it was just GHB too, no GBL so I'm really, really scared of quitting. I know that tapering slowly should really minimise the withdrawals but with the tolerance rising nearly every day I find that close to impossible. Seriosuly considering rehab now, but the waiting time is one month and that would just mean an even higher tolerance.

Its such a horrible realisation that the previous withdrawal was for nothing; I was actually seriously depressed over that, close to suicidal or atleast at a point where I didn't really care wether I'd die or live. I'm not like that anymore right now, I want to live and since I got let into the art acedemy I have a future to look forward to but still I must get off the GHB as soon as possible but I'm just terrified.

Last time I couldn't sleep for days, my heart rate was awfully fast and I was hearing voices; up to 30 at a time and hallucinating. After not sleeping for two days I saw the walls closing in on me while hearing 30 voices speaking from all directions; paranoia and intense anxiety and hallucinating voices, images and touch all at the same time. I'm afraid that this time my heart will suffer even more. I really don't know what to do, I can't keep going like this :(
 
i know i need to go running. it helps. but i'm so depressed it's hard to get on track. even if i do for a few days, i fall off. i'm just all around so depressed and anxious, it makes everything such a chore and makes getting on the right track so hard.
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So just do it and get it done! The second you've gotten some exercise done you'll feel 10x better. Best of luck. <3
 
^while that's so much easier said then done i sometimes doubt there is a point in saying it, you are right. being on the right track, not just exercise. but that is such a huge piece of it.

azgaza said:
Its such a horrible realisation that the previous withdrawal was for nothing
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one of the worst feelings. i've done a few multiple-month benzo tapers only to end up where i started or worse right when i was on the edge of being completely off. nothing more i can really say then yeah, that's a bitch. gotta try again though.
 
hydroazuanacaine said:
i think this is the thread i've been looking for. i'm horribly depressed and anxious. i am afraid of real life. i have a new job with a salary and house and i don't think i can handle it. i'm constantly afraid of being fired. like, the idea of losing my job is driving me completely insane. i am so stressed out my appetite is ruined. it's a catch because i am not mentally healthy enough right now to not have a job, but losing my job is not a step in the right direction and it's not like i can just not have income. and it's not even really the career i want. i just need to be making money. i wanted to be a professor but then i never applied for grad school. i wanna work in publishing, and i don't live in the right area. steps to actually get on either of those career paths are so huge, risky, and so slow to reward that i just haven't done anything.
Click to expand...

Honey<3
You've accomplished ALOT(and I dont mean to be patronizing here, you can accomplish MORE if and when you want/need no doubt) and need to give yourself some damn credit for it...of course when you're vulnerable you're going to start seeking all the 'cracks' or potential problems that (very reasonably) can occur. All I'l say is pause to give yourself a breather and some fkn credit before your head runs too far into worrying 'cause knocking your confidence, in this way, may be what is sabotaging you from action and what you need/deserve to be doing for yourself right now.

Realization of what is going on with you atm is perfectly good and normal but remember that feeling lonely, sad and unsure is something that cant be worked out by your head alone. So I hope you take this time to nurture yourself, or take time to be open to it and when that comes, or at least while you wait for it, you will look out for people things, or concepts that will empower you in being yourself - vulnerable as you feel - this is where you find your metal!! Find your way through your insecurity to know what you need and direct yourself toward it.
<3

And you dont have to apologize for being addicted to ANYTHING cause although it may not be 'approved' of in common discourse doesnt mean that it isn't real. ;)

You mind yourself, darlin. <3
 
so I havent taken Xanax in over 2 weeks. haven't taken any benzos at all. this after FIVE years of daily use where each time I quit I had a seizure. I was aware of the seizure risk associated with the cessation of benzo use and tapered my dose. I still had four seizures over the years breaking my cheekbone, nose, jaw, .... I looked like Rhianna after that second one in 2009. This fear made it easier to just stay on the drugs. if I was running out of Xanax I would drop the dose down to a quarter bar a day until I got more. people knew to call me on prescription pick-up day. I had at least four or five xanax prescriptions and a couple of Valium scripts waiting for me to take them off their hands. it's a miracle I am no longer taking those drugs. I still take benzos but not as frequently, no longer at risk of seizure. this is all thanks to a raging opiate addiction. the opiate addiction has eliminated the need for alcohol when I was a "drink a fifth every single night" kinda guy. opiates have saved me from these two evils. I have quit drinking almost entirely and use benzos sparingly. A note to longtime addicts: I stopped getting high after 3 to 4 years of use. I can tell you one thing I have learned in all of this-

I will NEVER quit smoking marijuana. it's made the best of the best times BETTER. and the worst of the worst times BETTER ! in my eyes marijuana is a luxury that of coffee, tea, or sugar, amenities that some generations were deprived but I refuse the same destiny . thank u

-Triz
 
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