morphonorconic
Bluelighter
I value rational thought over pretty much everything else, including feelings. I have to be in control of my emotions, and though I’ve felt what I called “love” in the past a few times, where I simply lost control and felt excited and sick and dreamy and that unique kind of pain that comes with such a strong desire for a girl. I’m thirty, in school full time, and work just short of full time. I’ve been single for two and half years now. Dating sucks, and I’ve dated a handful of different girls, but have not felt anything at all; Seeing them feels more like work than anything else, and kissing them feels like I’m acting a scene in a movie. There has been no emotion on my part, and I’ve not even cared whether or not they felt anything since.
With that said, I have some friends, a married couple. She is my age, he is older, works all the time, and I honestly think she and I have a lot more in common than the two of them do. We don’t hang out a whole lot, and though they invite me over and tell me to drop by anytime, I don’t because I am extremely attracted to his wife. I’ve always felt we had some kind of chemistry, even if only the kind two good friends of the opposite sex can have for each other. We ran into each other at the grocery store after not seeing each other for months and the energy was undeniable. She played nervously with her hair, playfully touched me a dozen times in less than five minutes, her eyes fluttering, looking into mine with an impossible intensity and dilated pupils, all like only a few girls out of plenty in the past ever have, and in a way that makes me feel something I only feel when she and I interact. This led to the three of us going together to a party last night. She’s always been touchy and playful, but last night reached a whole new level and she spent as much of the night on my arm, literally, as she did standing next to her husband. I desperately want to convince myself that this is wishful thinking and that I’m reading too much into nothing, but I truly don’t think it’s just me. It was so much so that I began to notice others looking at us which made me nervous, and though this takes place in her husband, my friend’s view, she seems unable to control herself, and I’m completely helpless. I worry that he is beginning to wonder as he became increasingly serious, even irritable, as the evening progressed. Right before we left the three of us were standing shoulder to shoulder, she in the middle, and she began to lean ever so slightly into my chest, and I felt the best most powerful sickness and elation come over me- keep in mind I’ve felt almost nothing period for years now, so this is very unsettling. The three of us walked home together, and when we reached their house he went straight up the steps towards the door while she stayed right next to me in the driveway near my car, and seemed like she had no other place to be. The conversation became slightly awkward though not in a bad way, and she initiated a hug as she is always the initiator, but this time was different. She wrapped her arms tight around my shoulders/neck and pulled in close and very tight, and held it for 15-20 seconds, and I again felt helpless to resist, and wrapped my arms tight and intimately around her waist without any attempt disguise my now out of control desire for her. I do not think I am misinterpreting her feelings towards me.
Fuck, y’all! I know that nearly one hundred percent of the time these things end one way: Badly. But the way I feel is currently overriding all other systems. I know I need to stay away, but she asked me to go to the Sunday evening picnic on campus tomorrow and I promised I would, and she was clearly excited about seeing me again so soon. The worst part is my inability to rule out some possibility of us getting even closer. My ex broke my heart by cheating on me with some douche that she married less than a year after my finding out, yet my once powerful resolve to never be that douche is fading. Biology is powerful, and such a connection between two people is extremely rare, even if it is socially or morally unacceptable. I just don’t know. Help please! Should I tell her how I feel and that I can’t be around her, or just avoid them at all costs and not worry about being perceived as rude or whatever? Should I not change anything and just see what happens? Or should I do my best to ignore it and write it off as nothing, continuing to spend time with both of them?
With that said, I have some friends, a married couple. She is my age, he is older, works all the time, and I honestly think she and I have a lot more in common than the two of them do. We don’t hang out a whole lot, and though they invite me over and tell me to drop by anytime, I don’t because I am extremely attracted to his wife. I’ve always felt we had some kind of chemistry, even if only the kind two good friends of the opposite sex can have for each other. We ran into each other at the grocery store after not seeing each other for months and the energy was undeniable. She played nervously with her hair, playfully touched me a dozen times in less than five minutes, her eyes fluttering, looking into mine with an impossible intensity and dilated pupils, all like only a few girls out of plenty in the past ever have, and in a way that makes me feel something I only feel when she and I interact. This led to the three of us going together to a party last night. She’s always been touchy and playful, but last night reached a whole new level and she spent as much of the night on my arm, literally, as she did standing next to her husband. I desperately want to convince myself that this is wishful thinking and that I’m reading too much into nothing, but I truly don’t think it’s just me. It was so much so that I began to notice others looking at us which made me nervous, and though this takes place in her husband, my friend’s view, she seems unable to control herself, and I’m completely helpless. I worry that he is beginning to wonder as he became increasingly serious, even irritable, as the evening progressed. Right before we left the three of us were standing shoulder to shoulder, she in the middle, and she began to lean ever so slightly into my chest, and I felt the best most powerful sickness and elation come over me- keep in mind I’ve felt almost nothing period for years now, so this is very unsettling. The three of us walked home together, and when we reached their house he went straight up the steps towards the door while she stayed right next to me in the driveway near my car, and seemed like she had no other place to be. The conversation became slightly awkward though not in a bad way, and she initiated a hug as she is always the initiator, but this time was different. She wrapped her arms tight around my shoulders/neck and pulled in close and very tight, and held it for 15-20 seconds, and I again felt helpless to resist, and wrapped my arms tight and intimately around her waist without any attempt disguise my now out of control desire for her. I do not think I am misinterpreting her feelings towards me.
Fuck, y’all! I know that nearly one hundred percent of the time these things end one way: Badly. But the way I feel is currently overriding all other systems. I know I need to stay away, but she asked me to go to the Sunday evening picnic on campus tomorrow and I promised I would, and she was clearly excited about seeing me again so soon. The worst part is my inability to rule out some possibility of us getting even closer. My ex broke my heart by cheating on me with some douche that she married less than a year after my finding out, yet my once powerful resolve to never be that douche is fading. Biology is powerful, and such a connection between two people is extremely rare, even if it is socially or morally unacceptable. I just don’t know. Help please! Should I tell her how I feel and that I can’t be around her, or just avoid them at all costs and not worry about being perceived as rude or whatever? Should I not change anything and just see what happens? Or should I do my best to ignore it and write it off as nothing, continuing to spend time with both of them?
![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
