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What Do You Blame For Your Addiction?

Carl Landrover said:
The Jews
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lol...carl, been a minute. good to see you around...


and to answer the question....why blame at all?

I dont blame anyone, anything, myself, someone else, nothing. I just dont feel like theres a reason to blame period. it just is what it is...
 
Can I please say that I know most of us are miserable in our addictions but, it is nice to an outlet such as BL to be able to talk about these things. The things that I've been reading from the other members on this post is incredible cuz i feel the same way! I want to say that I have such love for all of you for even bothering to read my post and also to think about it and respond. It truly means a lot. I've enjoyed reading thru everybody's stories and events that have led to their habit today. I'm happy that you all are so open on BL, it makes me want to open up more.

I have been so caught up for the past week scoring more and more and taking more and more that I haven't even opened up my laptop. This past week has been a blur. I'm glad I went online today cuz it's very lonely being a drug addict or junkie or whatever the hell you wanna call it. Even with all of our drug histories and certain terrible events that have happened to us, I've noticed that we all respect each other. I know squares have no idea about this kinda thing but there is a certain junkie etiquette that we all have and it is a beautiful thing in comparison to the misery that accompanies an addiction.

I'm at the point in my addiction where I can take full responsibility for my life. I think in the beginning of addiction, I knew there would be consequences but I didn't give a fuck. Young and dumb. I knew there was a possibility that a decade later I might be a full blown addict but that possibility didn't stop me. I knew each time I took more pills each time that I was only feeding the beast that lives in all of us. It seems like so long ago I could take a 5mg Vicodin and I would be high for hours. I was talking to a fellow BL-er and we were talking about how we've both said there are certain lines we wouldn't cross for our habits. Well guess what, I've crossed that line more than a few times. Even now, I can't blame this addiction for "making" me do it. It was me. All me.
 
verso said:
I believe that we all knew exactly what we were doing when we were doing it, and what we were getting ourselves into...

I mean, doing dope and smoking crack... while we may not have known just exactly what the addiction experience would be like or entail, well, we all had a pretty good idea of what would come from it, right?

I don't blame anyone else, but I have come up with a certain sort of explanation; I had never learned proper coping skills and I had been born with a sort of lousy genetic "hand," so to speak. I've got the depression and the anxiety and the obsessive compulsiveness that my mother and my mother's side of the family suffers from, and I've just always sort of observed her behavior and considered the way that she copes with life's little ups and downs as normal and so took that all in.

She sleeps, goes right to bed whenever something upsets her, and she abused her anxiety medication for a long, long time. I sleep as well whenever something upsets me, using a certain substance or substances (heroin, muscle relaxers, etc.) to help me achieve that end, but, it's relatively the same thing, and of course I've abused anxiety meds as well and it's all just very similar and it's what I've learned as coping mechanisms.

So do I blame my mother? No, absolutely not. And do I blame my genes, my genetics? Not really... I may have been somewhat predisposed to substance abuse and addiction, but, at the end of the day, it's on me. I made the decision to put a straw in my nose, put a pipe to my lips, so on and so forth. That's just the way it is, and I have to take responsibility for my actions.
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I have to agree that your environment can sometimes push a drug addiction your way. I have never learned how to cope with feelings of abandonment. I grew up in an orphanage until I was 5 years old. I am a grown adoptee now. Drugs have always done a great job of covering up my insecurity, feelings of rejection, loneliness, depression, etc. If I never got addicted to drugs maybe I would be a healthy adult and know how to overcome these feelings. Or do other things besides drugs to get rid of those dark feelings.
 
Folley said:
If I could take a break I wouldn't be and addict :p

Not to say that I'm not trying haha
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Ha I know, I'm calling the kettle black huh? If I had ANY self control I wouldn't have this monkey on my back.
 
Years of lonliness and depression that were dulled down by drug use. Obviously I enjoyed the highs/trips my first few years.
I keep blaming Oxy for destroying my self-control, though. I'd drive 2 hours to score some; my usage steadily increased despite my will to limit it.
Used oxy and the occasonal hydrocodone/methadone off and on for a couple years, then had years of sobiety from hard drugs.
Haven't been able to control my use of any substance since back then, though. I always use irresponsibly to excess no matter my intentions.

Been trying to quit for quite some time, slowly making progress...
 
like llama112, i don't label myself an "addict"--i control my use, my use doesn't control me (yet)... i'm not stupid enough to think that i can maintain control (or the illusion of it) forever.

i blame my curious nature & my tendency to throw caution & self-control out completely when it comes to something i like or love. it's 100% my doing.
 
MsPilly said:
I have to agree that your environment can sometimes push a drug addiction your way. I have never learned how to cope with feelings of abandonment. I grew up in an orphanage until I was 5 years old. I am a grown adoptee now. Drugs have always done a great job of covering up my insecurity, feelings of rejection, loneliness, depression, etc. If I never got addicted to drugs maybe I would be a healthy adult and know how to overcome these feelings. Or do other things besides drugs to get rid of those dark feelings.
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my sister was adopted too, when she was two years old. i know she still has deep abandonment issues & some things she will never get over. she got pregnant during a very dark period of time in her life & i think it may have been the only reason she didn't become a full-blown drug addict or die. her son saved her life, no doubt in my mind.

i've spent a great deal of time talking to her about adoption & abandonment. i know i don't know you, but i'll be a friendly listening ear if you ever need one <3
 
I blame depression, boredom, stupidity, and most of all, myself.
Depression because I was unhappy most if not all the time, and wanted a quick fix.
Boredom because I was a teenager in high school bored of my small town and wanted to feel like I was in Grand Theft Auto.
Stupidity because I thought I was strong enough to balance using and my normal life.

Myself because it was my decision alone that led to a needle being put in my vein.
 
Despite the awful shit that happened to me, its really my fault. No one made me take a drink, smoke this or that, or stick a needle in my arm. I sought out refuge from my pain and suffering and found it in the warm embrace of drugs. First it was booze then speed then X then coke then the poppy. Its pretty much game over once you stick that needle in your arm and you have to quit to even get intoxicated. If I could get as high as I could off one perc 5 intially with 20 times that amount I would never ever stop. My last shot was 600 mgs and yeah Ive done more but thats irrelavant. Just the shear amount of oxy is riduclous. I think their is a ceiling effect to most drugs. I used to laugh at my friends who used insulin needles as I had moved on to 3cc and up rigs and even ones meant for animals. I cant usually hit a vein unless I use a needle thats at least 25 gauge and 5/8ths long unless its in my hands. Ive got the worst tracks out of anyone I know, but Ive only had one abcess and I know people who have mrsa and have to go the hospital all the time. Makes you carry hand sanitizer in your car and not let them in your house or go in theirs. Hell some people are so nasty I wouldnt go in their house for a free shot of dope.
 
Great question? I would answer hey im not an addict:-) but then if i had to play that blame game, it would be myself, be accountable.
 
dopemaster said:
Its pretty much game over once you stick that needle in your arm and you have to quit to even get intoxicated.
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What made you try the needle? And do you remember your first time? I wonder about shit like this cuz I always say I won't but I've said that about a whole lot of things.
 
Honestly, the only one you can truly blame is yourself. You're the one doing what you do, etc. You can blame external influences/things, but you are the one who does the deed.

That's just how I see it personally. Blaming others is something I had to grow out of.
 
I blame availibility of the drug itself...

I was extremely addicted to oral d-amphetamine... used daily and was destructive and fiended it hard. When I used to use meth, and have gone back to use, I would do at most once a week and controll my use... and smoke it.

So we have, Oral Amphetamine vs Smoked Methamphetamine. The only difference was I had tons of pharm grade amphetamine at my disposal where meth I am paying big money for it so I am limited and rightly so, I wouldnt want ti any cheaper or I would be using a lot more. I use meth recreationally on occasion now and much less destructive to my life than what those little dexamp tabs were!
 
MsPilly said:
What made you try the needle? And do you remember your first time? I wonder about shit like this cuz I always say I won't but I've said that about a whole lot of things.
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Well I tried it intially as I had been in the business and I wanted to know what custies where going thru. It was a one time deal and it was rather uneventful. It was oxycodone and it came on a bit stronger and I kinda got the idea of why someone may habituate it and thought it to be dumb.

Physical pain and the effects it had on my life as in limiting my success in life very fast. I was so desperate to relieve the pain and to try to function. The desperation and emascualtion of dropping out of college at 3 plus years towards a business degree after doing the same with an art degree. I felt robbed of all the things I loved doing. I couldnt shoot a gun the same. I couldnt even jack off or write. I used to be an excellent artist and aspired to a career in the comic book industry as in drawing them. I also made amazing charcoal portraits. I have some hanging up that I did and people always ask me how much I paid for them. I had one guy offer me 300 for a drawing but he wanted to put his name on it and display it in his house so I told him no way. It was a particually proud one of mine and I just wasnt going to do that.

Anyways the pain became unbearable and I was unable to type the amount of schoolwork I had. I was getting straight As when I dropped out. I got an 8 ball of skag the day I realized there was no way I was going to be able to finish the semester due to pain. My gf left me because she felt like I wouldnt be able to support a family and future with her. We were in love until my life went south. I still think about her but she dropped me due to something I know I will beat. She was an IV drug user too. I hear shes gotten worse than me. She had started shooting when an ex gf of mine suggested she try it. She liked to do that to people. She is a sick bitch. I wrote a thread on her "annoying ex interferes in my life". She wanted to make people suffer the pain of IV drug addiction like her. I would alway not recomend it, but I never wouldnt show someone how to do it properly.

My second time was quite different. This was many years later and I had a series of injuries that left my good arm crippled and unable to write for a few years. I had acess to dilaudid at the point and I knew how to IV so I went to the store and bought some rigs. I knew dillies where considered the shit in the IV drug world and I was getting them very cheap. It was fucking amazing. That being said Im not advocating IV use. I think it is the worst thing you can do to yourself. At first the rush was just glorious and Id nod off and wake up feeling spectacular. Dillies are a smooth rush and quite eurphoric. I like them.

A month later my dillie source switched to opana IR. So that was some strong stuff. I rember a friend saying he bought opana to get of smack and ended up getting smack to get off opana. I think people that abuse IV opana or even just take alot of opana usually have mental problems quick. I got strung out quick on this stuff. The rush was insatiable. This drug was strong as hell if you even sniffed it and I got it cheaper than oxys due to my retarded hookup. Its a strong feeling to say the least. Its a bit much for me. I remember waking up shaking so bad I couldnt get a shot off and I for real felt like I was going to have a seizure. I was freezing and unable to stop trembling. I ended up going into my bed and eventually shooting up after I warmed up. This was a 80 mg day so I was definetly pushing things quick. I got so sick one time I remember being drenched in sweat reupping a bit early begging my hookup to do it. I felt sicker flu-wise than I did off any other opiate.

Now morphine came into my life next in the form of a large dose rx that kept going up. I sure grew fond of the heroin-like rush and pins and needles. Its not quite as euphoric but ridiculously sedating and rather long lasting. I think morphine was the worst IV drug for me. I was slamming 200 mgs of morphine everyday and that was my scrip. It was the only scrip I never ran short on cuz I couldnt go a day without it. I was slamming 60s 3 times a day. I would wake up drenched in sweat, naseous, and worst of all leg cramps. I know leg cramps dont sound that bad but they are probly the worst thing about opiate addiction when you devolope a serious and sincere habit to smack, morphine, or methadone.

I also had a scrip for oxycodone which I intially didnt always take and sold for heroin money. After my heroin connect got incarerated I couldnt find decent skag and started shooting all my oxy. Its rather stupid to shoot oxy as it has a very high oral BA so the only benifet to shooting is a bit of a rush. I suppose you get a rather nice rush though. For me the rush was important cuz If I could not get well of a dose at least Id get well off the intial rush and that would be something enough to keep me going. I find this true with any opiate IV habit. My oxy tolerance is sky high and my last shot was 600 mgs. I dont care if you belive me but it happens. I still think its a good pain medication and I will most likely go back to oxycodone for pain medicine. Im pretty sure Im going to need something.

Heroin was interesting. Its very euphoric and sure made me sleep alot. I did my first shot with a bit of coke and K. It was very pleasurable. I was in alot of pain and well I went to a very happy place for the 4 hour car ride back to my town. It was primo shit. I had sniffed some garbage skag before and was not very ipressed as it didnt have the bang for the buck that good quality urban skag can provide. This shit was fine china. Even at *snip - sorry, no pricing allowed* a g it was way cheaper than a pill habit. I didnt get into it very long but Im sure I would have done just about anything to get some and Id probly relapse from my RX habbit to smack if I had acess. Its not a soft drug to say the least. The one thing I didnt like was I got sold a bag that was poisoned. I had a friend cop me a bag and he owed the dealer alot of money and well all the bags dude got where meant for him. It almost killed me and my gf. My friend ended up doing a year in prison when he was found blue and unconscious in a gas station bathroom after he failed to return the key. He had a large amount of narcotics on him.

Anyways I had my morphine switched to opana and that was a big mistake. It put me in wds severly. I was downright unethical to just switch the dose I was on to a completly different type of opiate. Morphine has a very special and interesting type of bond/grasp of death that makes it very had to let go. I was no longer impressed by opana and Im not about to shoot opana er as I have seen what that does to people. So hear I am kicking a 4 year IV habit with some suboxone. Ill go back to the pain clinic after I get my tracks tatted over and get over the mental urger to IV. Im glad to be off the morphine to be honest. When you take ER meds your tolerance gets jacked high. For some reason morphine IV seemed to last just as long as oral and was like 5-10 times a strong. Morphine wds are the worst IME. The leg cramps are the work of Satan and I think his army runs the pill mills.

So yeah it would have been a one time thing If I had not gotten hurt. I guess I kinda gave up on my life, especially since I was planning on asking my gf to marry me. I absolutly adored her. Shes a bitch for not sticking with me though and I think she doesnt deserve me. I think I will get my pain under control and Im obviously able to type now. I know taking pain meds will put me at risk for relapse and thats ok as long as its not morphine or opana. I dont mind being an addict but I lost things everyone took for granted.

Things like: showering, grooming, brushing my teeth, being able to eat, not being constipated, not waking up in the middle of the night to shoot up, sleep, sex drive, kidney function

I was actually ok with the unexpected med change as it was a catylist for change and I needed to stop shooting morphine. Morphine and heroin are very similar chemically.

If you do shoot up the odds are you will do it again and if you do it again you will devolop a habit. Its something you feel lucky to be doing at first and you eventually end up realizing you made the biggest mistake of your life by sticking a needle in your arm.
 
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I blame my chronic oain condition, spondylolisis and my extreme lack of self control with the opioids and benzo im prescribed. And shame on my GP setting me up on the path of dependence :P
 
tentram said:
I blame my chronic oain condition, spondylolisis and my extreme lack of self control with the opioids and benzo im prescribed. And shame on my GP setting me up on the path of dependence :P
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I dont think you should blame a doctor if they are kind enough to prescribe you narcotics. Narcotics are a choice as medication. They are far more effective but care side effects such as dependence. I may be an opiate addict but that was because I chose to abuse medication. I have other narcotic medications which I have never abused and truly need as in benzos. Im one of the rare people that actually need them and cannot acheive much if at all intoxication from them.

When a patient asks for narcotics the doctor makes a quality of life choice most of the time and is obligated to advise you right off the bat of the troubles of habituation. Some wont and some do it too much, but I consider it mercy when a doctor gives you a medication that you need to make it through the day without agony mental or physical. Ill deal with the physical for now as I have lost control of my opiate tolerance and have voluntarily given myself a drug holiday and its a bitch to detox off a full blown er/ir CPM regiment with CIIS, but I did ask for them persistantly. I shall go on something when I regain control, but I simply said I wanted to take a break from the medication so I didnt close a door.
 
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