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scared about the possible end of my relationship

deidara

deidara

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May 11, 2013
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I've been with my fiance for the last 3 years and the first 2 were amazing. We were both clean and did lot of fun things together. We moved in together around a year and a half, and a little later got engaged. A little over a year ago we relapsed together and have been using heavily together this past year. On friday I am moving to NC where my family is because we have to get clean and we've tried so many times and I can't do it here, there are too many reminders. He can't make the move with me because he got caught stealing money from his work so he has to stay here and work off his debt. The plan was for me to move into my moms house, get clean, get a job and save up money so we can get an apartment there as soon as hes done paying his debt back (he's got like 2 months) but he keeps saying shit like "your the one who's leaving" and making me think that he's not planning on moving down there with me!! We are very codependent and I think some time apart would be good for us, plus I think of it as starting a new life in a new place, but he just thinks of it as "im leaving him". I love him so much and would give up every drug to keep him if thats what I had to do, and I know he would do the same for me. I'm just scared though, because he keeps giving me these little hints that this is the end. I'm worried that on friday when I get my car packed up and am about to head out hes gonna be like "bye nice knowing ya" or some shit. I'm really worried about him too, bc where I'm moving I'll be with my family, but here he has no one. He's gonna drink himself into oblivion every night (since he cant afford drugs) and cry himself to sleep. I just want to be happy again with him and do fun things like we used to and marry him and have his babies in a few years lol. I know all this is possible and I know its up to both of us to do the right thing, save money so he can come, I'm just scared that when the time comes, he's gonna head west instead of east and run away. Maybe I should follow him. Idk, this is our last week together and we always are like "lets do something fun today!" like go to the park or the pool or something, but we never do anything that doesn't relate to getting fucked up. Wow this is long ok coming to an end, if anyone took the time to read this thanks. I'm just scared of losing him basically.
 
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Until both of you can get clean and stay clean, there's no future even if you were in the same town. Only a continued present. And you can't (=shouldn't) have start a family with him if either of you are using. So what you're really talking about is loneliness and missing each other. I know that hurts. But there's nothing left for either of you the way things are. At least with you being apart, there's a chance that you can both be motivated enough to change and be together again. I'd look at this as an opportunity. Good luck! <3
 
Just reading this at face value he could be more afraid about getting clean and saying these things to you as a desperate attempt to make you stay and you both continue using? It's good that you have made the decision to get away and get clean - hopefully a bit time away from you and without drugs may give him the nudge he needs to follow suit.

Good luck :)
 
I can tell you from experience that a girlfriend moving temporarily is absolutely terrifying. The more you care about them, the worse it is.
Suddenly it is really lonely. And you can trust someone only so much.
I'm not trying to put this on you. I'm just giving up how I felt when a gf of mine temporarily moved back home to get away from our particular drug scene.
I do not really trust anyone completely and it made me extremely uncomfortable, despite the plan that she was gonna stay with her family. Naturally, being in separate places, I had no idea what she was or wasn't doing at any given time.
Hanging out with friends and meeting someone new, cheating on me, deciding one day that she liked it better there than here, I wasn't worth enough to her to come back, etc, etc, etc.

I'm not sure there's anything you can do to completely reassure him. At the same time, he's gotta understand that he worked up this debt, he's lucky to not be in jail(try that for loneliness), you're trying to help him and you, etc.
If I had to guess, I'd say the last thing he probably wants is to say "nice knowing you" or something along those lines. He's probably saying things like "you're the one moving" because he's scared to lose you.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong at all. It seems to be what's necessary.
I'd assure him as much as is reasonable, check in with him and let him know that things are going according to plan/the way they're supposed to be and with that reassurance he should be able to muddle through.
Get clean. Expect him to do the same(binge drinking included) and tell him as much. If he said he'll do it for you and you're doing it then he needs to do it.
You're doing the right thing. It might not be easy but it's the right thing.

Also, I'm not trying to be an ass, but for a long post like that it makes it a lot easier to read if you use paragraphs.
Hope everything works out for you.
 
Thanks for the replies. I know what I have to do, I guess the proof will be in the pudding. If we are truly meant to be together like I believe we are, then we will be, no matter how much time we need away from each other to get "healthy" or whatever that means 8)
 
hmm

codependent drugged up relationship and your worried that when you leave it will disintegrate. so be it. you have to move on with your life. you both had a future then went back to a dead end past. you are waking up to this and if he cant then that's not your problem. i'm sensing that you think he will get back on the drugs and forget about sorting himself out. its up to him which is why you are worried as you have no control over his behaviour. but you have to get clean for you.


then when he gets his shit together all will be good but its up to him to pull his finger out
 
You need to look after yourself now. And you are doing that. Very well done. Top class !! He may or may not get his shit together. In any case, you have to get out from under drugs. Relationships are fragile. They need so much work and dedication. Heavy and/or long-term drug-abuse pretty much always finishes up with brokenness and strife. You two may well be extraordinary, but realistically, there is little if any likelihood of both of you still wanting to continue once you have recovered. You said it yourself. The co-dependency etc...it hurts so much (I'm kinda crying now) to break apart...even when the relationship is killing you. But you will recover. You know you will. And so will he.

It's not unusual for people to take 1-2 years to recover from drugs. The same goes for broken relationships. Who knows what will happen in that time...it's hardly worth worrying about. Your man needs to grow up. We all do. He needs to suffer the pain and grow stronger. Probably quiet a lot, before he's ready to build a family and raise children...maybe in 5 years? (just my thoughts based on my own experience) It takes a long time to grow from drug-addict/alco to loving, supportive partner/father of well-adjusted children etc...many men never do...right?

You can not help him. You need to look after yourself. This is all you can do. I'm guessing you know all this and much more. I'm so glad your family will support you in this difficult time. What a blessing. You will be ok. He will be ok. In one way or another. He can sort it out. He can handle being without you. Even if it hurts. Being a husband and father is way way more difficult than simply getting of the piss/drugs and paying off some stupid dept...way way more difficult than anything you two seem to be going through...just imagine.
Be glad all is well. You are already on the road to recovery. No one knows what the future holds. But you do know the relationship at present holds no future for you...hence you are moving on.

Best wishes in all things...for you both.
Sincerely.
 
If he can't understand now; only time will teach him. If he thinks that you're leaving him and not that you're sobering yourself up for him then so be it. He'll learn in time and it'll be tough but you got to do what you know is best for both of you.
 
maybe it would be a good idea for us to go to couples therapy? once he moves in with me in a few months, does anyone have experience with this?
 
95land hit the nail on the head. That's exactly how I feel and I'm in the same situation. A little reassurance will go a long way.
 
you can do all the reassuring you want but if you get clean and he doesn't where will this go?

there are a lot of uncertainties but one thing is clear. you have no decent future using hard drugs all the time

you both were sober for two years. needs to go back to that
 
Derschieber said:
You two may well be extraordinary, but realistically, there is little if any likelihood of both of you still wanting to continue once you have recovered.
You can not help him. You need to look after yourself. This is all you can do.
Click to expand...

I don't agree with this. They were together and happy for two years while sober.
I think any and all of us that have been in a drug based relationship knows that the use leaves scars. But..... They loved each when sober before. If he follows suit and does what he says he's gonna, I don't think there''s any reason they can't be back together and happy.
I've done it and it was fine. You've just both gotta be willing to accept that the negative things that may have occurred during your period of use weren't the norm or a portending of what's necessarily to come. They may be but not necessarily. The ability to forgive is key, as well.

As far as her not being able to help him? Granted, yeah she's gotta concentrate on herself first and foremost.
However I would not agree that she can't help him get or stay sober. Her continued contact and encouragement may be the key to his sobriety and keeping him going.
If I was trying to get sober and my girl moved temporarily I would definitely be reaching out to her for support.
If she didn't give at the very least general encouragement I might say 'Fuck it. Not worth it." Especially if she were to say something along the lines of "I can't worry about you right now."

It sounds good to tell someone to tell their boy/girlfriend to sack up and fix themselves on their own. To a degree it makes sense. But I don't see any reason why she can't get herself sober and give him support at the same time. Unless he starts dragging her down.

One other thing to the OP- Don't assume that because he doesn't have money he isn't using. A lack of money didn't deter him once.
 
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