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Vent/Rant Thread vs 3 (Triggering Content)

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i had had a great talk where i was crying told my friend to come so i dont do something stupid likr hurt myself agan and i haven't takrn proper care of myself my sunglasses are my saaviot and he said yoiu know there's a fucking STORM raging outside but i'll be there 20 min and i'm so fucking luckky i have these people in my life to keep me from being the complete fucking wreck that i am and i am so grateful the universe just provided these sincerely good fuicking people and it's hard to accept and believe and sometimes they mad at me but i have to remind them i have so much history with not being able to believe anyone and i'm just so glad he's walking over in a fucking storm to make sure i do't lose my mind and hurt myself and he's just a goddamn great person and he might be a little crazy but so am i and just thank fuckign god
 
So I go to my psychiatrist appointment...being treated for panic attacks...and he let's me ramble on for a while, then asks if I am taking any other meds prescribed by another Dr, which I'm not. So he pulls out this piece of paper which states all scripts I've gotten filled in the last year or so. Like the perc 5s and vics that were prescribed after dental work, which are still in their bottles in my med cabinet. He insinuates...or rather accuses me...of lying, and therefore will not prescribe me any xanax, which I don't even abuse, just want them to get through the dope w/d. Just pissed me off because I was being honest and he called me a liar. Not to mention that its creepy that this data base exists at all.
 
BingeBoy said:
Just bring the pills and tell them he can keep them or get another doctor.
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Getting another doctor isnt going to make a difference in that regard - everything you've been prescribed is all on file in the database so you can forget about that as an option. You could try bringing him in all the pills within their relevent containers that you havent used and see if that changes his mind, though if he knows you've abused drugs in the past then he'll be highly unlikely to prescribe you any medications that have potential for abuse - even though you've no intention on abusing them; merely using them to get you through opiate withdrawal - still not going to happen.
 
Why the fuck can't people just confirm whether or not their going to turn up to something. I made plans for tomorrow and want to know whether or not things have to change all because one fucking person hasn't told me if they're still coming or not >_<
 
the world if full of assclowns.. work, the fukn highway, Im about as irritable as I can be.. way way way to little sleep.. fuk the whole world.. im climbing in bed getting laid, going to coma as fast as possible and not give it a second thought and then Im fuckin sleeping for at least ten hours.. any Aclowns interrupt this needed sleep and I'm going to cut them up and feed them to my fukn dogs>>>>>> fkn worlds full of idiots and it takes good rest to make any sorta attempt to deal with them..

EDIT:hUUUGH.. must not have been thinking rite.. haa.. its all good, im cured=D
 
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I understand why the suicide rates for benzo withdrawals are so high now. I want to give up so badly, I'm not strong enough to come off of them and staying on them is also ruining me. The only relief I get is from opiates, and I don't want to become addicted to them as well. I just want to give up before things get worse.
 
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Please, if you are not using heroin right now, DO NOT pick it up again. I did and destroyed my life.
 
Craving a speedball oh and this chick who turned me down. And I'm lazy so lazy it makes bukowski look good.
 
ugh like a week or two ago i went n this bender and called this guy who used to give me dope for no other reason than he wanted me to fall in love with him and fuck him and it was just never gonna happen and now that i;m with someone he didn;t answer my weird ass sad ass calls at 3 am wasted "JUST ONE SHOT!!!!! ONE HIT!!! COME!!!! COME OVER!!!!!" i mean thank fucking god he just doesn't do that kind of shit anymore(with me). the last time we hung out he gave me dope and acid on top od booze and i just wanted to sit in a corner drawing and writing in my journal and he sat there looking so sad and i couldn't help it. so it's for the best. to keep each other a MEMORY. fuck fucking getting that drunk and self destructive anymore. i'm already dealing with not wanting to eat and some other shit related to that. the ridic shit i ordered off ebay from hon kong actually fits now even tho at the time i was too drunk to see "XS SAME SIZE FOR EVERYWAN". but um now it IS the same size for...me...who is now....everywan....according to factories in asia where everyone is very tiny
 
I'd really like for someone to explain to me how degrading insults ever achieve anything and are supposed to motivate anyone at all. Thought I'd left that behind in France but all I've learned this past year is that there are assholes everywhere. Pathetic.

Really no fucking point in even trying to get clean if that's the kind of bullshit sober and 'responsible' people throw in your face.
 
I'm having a neurotic perfection crisis :? What more can I do?

Pagey said:
I'd really like for someone to explain to me how degrading insults ever achieve anything and are supposed to motivate anyone at all. Thought I'd left that behind in France but all I've learned this past year is that there are assholes everywhere. Pathetic.

Really no fucking point in even trying to get clean if that's the kind of bullshit sober and 'responsible' people throw in your face.
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Regardless of your history, society loves nothing more than throwing your mistakes back in your face. People get their kicks making you feel like shit so they can feel a little better about themselves.
 
Indeed. I just got a paper back today with about 10 pages of comments on how it's obvious I didn't even try and I'm useless and blablabla when the reason I didn't do my best is because I was too busy worrying about my dying father. I didn't even get a bad grade so apparently it's just fun for some people to be massive pricks and bring you down when they can even if you haven't done anything wrong or worth insulting. And I'm moving back to Paris alone tomorrow, I still haven't found a place to live next year, a good friend's in the hospital after attempted suicide and with these fucking heroin PAWS on top of it I'm thinking she probably has the right idea. It's going to be a summer comprised of nothing other than cancer treatments, hospitals and being told I'm a worthless junkie. I just don't see how it's worth it and I could really go on about this for hours and hours but I've got to get back to packing my crap which doesn't even fucking fit in these suitcases and just UGH. I really want to hit something.
 
Pagey said:
Indeed. I just got a paper back today with about 10 pages of comments on how it's obvious I didn't even try and I'm useless and blablabla
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Like Re-distributed said, people do it to feel better themselves and probably about the fact that they're miserable, personally, i say pin it to your fridge so you can revel in that fact. >_>

Pagey said:
when the reason I didn't do my best is because I was too busy worrying about my dying father. I didn't even get a bad grade so apparently it's just fun for some people to be massive pricks and bring you down when they can even if you haven't done anything wrong or worth insulting. And I'm moving back to Paris alone tomorrow, I still haven't found a place to live next year, a good friend's in the hospital after attempted suicide and with these fucking heroin PAWS on top of it I'm thinking she probably has the right idea. It's going to be a summer comprised of nothing other than cancer treatments, hospitals and being told I'm a worthless junkie. I just don't see how it's worth it and I could really go on about this for hours and hours but I've got to get back to packing my crap which doesn't even fucking fit in these suitcases and just UGH. I really want to hit something.
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I'm sorry to hear all of that especially the part about your father, I understand how you feel that your friend might have the right idea but personally i think you should not give up, everytime i've felt like giving up i've ended up just reading over the recovery support threads, I can't help but wonder how many other people like me have looked over them threads without actually posting in it and thought twice about doing something stupid because of the support from people like you, vaya, Re-distributed etc..... I'd guess a lot, so you're much than a worthless junkie and things will get better eventually just keep your chin up :)
 
Pagey said:
Indeed. I just got a paper back today with about 10 pages of comments on how it's obvious I didn't even try and I'm useless and blablabla when the reason I didn't do my best is because I was too busy worrying about my dying father. I didn't even get a bad grade so apparently it's just fun for some people to be massive pricks and bring you down when they can even if you haven't done anything wrong or worth insulting. And I'm moving back to Paris alone tomorrow, I still haven't found a place to live next year, a good friend's in the hospital after attempted suicide and with these fucking heroin PAWS on top of it I'm thinking she probably has the right idea. It's going to be a summer comprised of nothing other than cancer treatments, hospitals and being told I'm a worthless junkie. I just don't see how it's worth it and I could really go on about this for hours and hours but I've got to get back to packing my crap which doesn't even fucking fit in these suitcases and just UGH. I really want to hit something.
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Hitting something better than a hit of something.. stop looking at things as good or bad.. rite sounds insane.. but just for tomorrow make up your mind that you are not going to judge something as good or bad.. it takes some practice, first step is realizing that you do this.. every time you get that insane frustration, and frustration is an emotion, think back a couple of thoughts, there it will be;) the moment you decided something sucked.. then stop deciding that.. anger can be vented strait out of the body, just acknowledge it.. hello anger.. and let it radiate out of you.. really works, helps in the beginning to raise you eyes and arms skyward and say release (but you still have to release it) feel that energy flow out of you, last step smile and say that insanity that NSA borrowed from the buddhists really works and proceed in relative peace. keep it simple pagey.. keep yourself in today as yesterday will cause shame and guilt and tomorrow will cause fear, hopelessness, anxiety.. Just keep moving forward.. take it slow.. stay in today and learn how to enjoy it, good first step is quit making things bad by saying they are, today is all we ever have and life is really how we perceive it, so learn how to not make yourself miserable.. choices choices, you're doing great.. OH and don't let the bastards ruin your day.. ever<3
 
Pagey said:
And I'm moving back to Paris alone tomorrow, I still haven't found a place to live next year, a good friend's in the hospital after attempted suicide and with these fucking heroin PAWS on top of it I'm thinking she probably has the right idea. It's going to be a summer comprised of nothing other than cancer treatments, hospitals and being told I'm a worthless junkie. I just don't see how it's worth it and I could really go on about this for hours and hours but I've got to get back to packing my crap which doesn't even fucking fit in these suitcases and just UGH. I really want to hit something.
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<3

Make a note, we'll be in Paris on the 26th of June <3
Hopefully by then you have settled in to a place somewhat comfortably..
I insist that you take that day off to come help us pay our respects to mr mojo risin <3
Until then, just hang in there and try let the overpowering feelings, confusing emotions, unfair insults & shitty weather subside.
 
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