there's some really great replies here...
I have to say, about the first year of usage, had I not been on cloud 9 because of the drugs, I'd have quit, for sure. I had no idea that there were so many dishonest, quick-to-fuck-you-over, rip-off, greedy fothermuckers in the world, much less one or two that I had thought were friends.
In the same breath, I have learned a significant amount about people, and more importantly about myself. I have learned to speak up and stick up for myself instead of rolling over and letting people fuck me over, because it was the "nice and polite" thing to do. Fuck that. Fuck me? Fuck you.
Well, not completely...but like I said, I've learned to speak up..."hey, man, this bag is short as hell, you owe me." instead of just taking the loss and being quiet and nice.
The game with myself is the most amusing and important to me.
Could I let myself go over the edge and lose my marbles at any time? Certainly.
Could I sink to the levels of those I detest, and start stealing from people, get fired from my job, get evicted, live in my car, sell everything I own, fuck anyone over as fast as I can, and say, "fuck. it. all." ? Sure.
But, I refuse. I refuse to be one of the 'statistics' and 'fill the stereotype.'
Nobody knows. I keep my shit together. I keep my job. It's not a fucking option to not have a job, imo.
I don't take handouts, never have. I earn everything I have and want, fair and square.
I refuse to picture my mum & dad thinking about me, and having the next sequential thought to be "drugs." no fucking way.
Although, some days...the thought if throwing it all away is seductive in an odd way; it may sound stupid or crazy, but - often times I find myself a tiny bit jealous of that guy on the street with his backpack and cardboard sign asking for food or work...because it's a different kind of freedom that I don't have. No job to tie you down, you can go anywhere you want on a whim with a thumb and a generous/risk-taking motorist.
I have met some scum, and I have met one or two people who I will [hopefully] be friends with for the rest of my life, with or without drugs.
I was very open-minded before, but now, shit....there's really nothing I wouldn't try, at least once. I see this because, if I am with a friend, let's say a friend-w-bennies or someone I'm dating or whatever, and they have a fetish or an idea that they want to try that most people would consider gross, off the wall, or what have you...and they have the balls to admit it to me, and show it to me? Not only do I have more respect for that person, but I am thrilled that I have presented myself in a way that makes someone comfortable enough to feel that they can open up to me and suggest things or say they like something without fear of judgement, and the decent possibility that I'd probably give it a try with them.
I try to project this into all aspects of my life; I don't judge. I don't create ideas or opinions about people unless I know the facts first. You never fucking know what kind of day someone's had, or where they've been or what they have or had not gone through.
And most importantly, I've learned the hard, hard lesson that LIFE IS NOT FAIR. Not one bit.
I used to think that things were supposed to be fair, balanced, and right.
If something went wrong, something 'right' would happen to correct it.
If somebody stole from me, they'd pay me back.
Naw.
That was a very difficult lesson for me to learn and grasp and admit.
. Bliss.
