Medley of drugs/frustration and confusion

[Ozekat]

Ahhh, I don't really know where to begin. I'm going to try and keep this short.

In 2011 I quit using oxycodone (perc 30s are HUGE where I live) and switched over to kratom, and tricked myself into thinking I wasn't an addict since I was using kratom instead. I was eating the hell out of some kratom though. I've just been an addict all along, though, In reality. Anyway, I managed to get tired of kratom and started abusing the hell out of xanax, buying 20-30 pills all at once, eating them days on end and still thinking I was not an addict. I know, right??? So from there I was introduced to H, which is probably my favorite even though I suffer terribly from using it. My body has gotten used to H over this past 8 months (I didn't touch the stuff for 4 months this year) but it seems I have a pretty strong allergy to it, since I know I am allergic to morphine. I get serious sinus infections after use, and my throat gets super irritated and sometimes it is very hard to breathe, congestion and secondary infections in the sinus/throat. But it doesn't seem to stop me. Of course after "finding out" about heroin last fall I've been dabbling in any and every opiate I can get my hands on since then. So all that time off oxys went down the drain.

Honestly I have a joint ebay account with a friend, I'm selling products on there and I am supposed to get 33% of all profits, but I already stepped over my bounds and took $100 off there so I could score some oxy, and a couple days before I got that money I sold my wii and a bunch of games to get some heroin. Its just fucking ridiculous, I never EVER thought I'd be the person to do this shit.

I'm just seeing myself go down this horrible path, but I just feel like nothing matters in my life. I don't fucking care, why should I? I have money on that account I'm "not supposed to touch" until there is a g or 2 but I want to SO BADLY just take all the money off now and go get some fucking heroin and skip town.

I don't know what the hell is going on anymore. I've been working off and on, and the money is great, making cash in hand, but I find it works against me because as soon as I'm off work I'm plotting on getting my next fix. Its just spiraled totally out of control.

I just smoked crack for the first time, and did H this week. Did methadone this week. Weed and alcohol are always around. I feel trapped in this circus sideshow of intoxicants, everyone I know is high and its just messing my head up. Amphetamines are on my ticket as well....I just have been getting my hands on any and every drug I can, and having money seems to only work against me.

I feel embarrassed just posting this shit, I know a lot of people are having worse problems than me, but I'm tired of trying to act like some super strong person when I'm not. Hope someone out there knows where I'm coming from.

 

[neversickanymore]

Yo Ozecat, I know exactly where you are coming from because I used to live there.. First off being strong has nothing to do with it.. addiction crushes "strong" people worse than "week" people, because the truth is that it is such a thing that it is almost impossible if not impossible to do on our own, and "week" people are allot better at asking for help. Hey congratulations on coming to the right conclusion, that you are an addict, and asking for help (this thread). First thing try and throw all the guilt out the window, you don't need it where you are going and if held onto it ALWAYS leeds to use. I wish I was as brave as you are, If i listed everything that I gave to my addiction before coming to the the wise conclusions you just have, you would be reading a very, very, long list.. and since you seem to be quite a bit brighter than me, and I climbed out of a hole that I had dug for decades in a few brief months and work a program that keeps me really content and prevents me from screaming kawabunga and diving rite back into that whole, yeah the thing about hole is once you dig them you can move away from them but if you loose your way you might fall rite back in cause they seem to be there forever.. so getting off the subject on a little rant there.. I did it and am as happy as I've ever been.. If I can do it so can you.. lets find out a little bit of where you are at so I and others might share our strength, wisdom, support, and what ever else we can... are you physically dependent or are you just addicted, in other words if you don't use do you get sick.... Oh and I think you just may be able to walk away from the crack thing with a one time use.. so don't do that again ever.. If you want to see your life become such a mess that you wont even remember when you had a ebay account and wouldn't even list that Wii on the things addiction took from you, then form a relationship with crack.. dirty hit after dirty hit until its all gone (your life and the crack).. So where are you at right now and why did you use so much xanax and why do you love the H so much.. why do you use it, what are you trying to get away from?? What paths to recovery are you familiar with? what is your use like right now over the last week? lots of good people here at BL that have been rite where you are and can get you traveling in the right direction. Hang in there and you might just set up system so that it take both of you to access the account.. but simple fixes like that NEVER work so lets try and address this

 

[Ozekat]

Hey, I just wanted to thank you for replying, neversickanymore. I actually typed out a big long response, but fucking lost it all when I tried to post so I'm coming back to show my appreciation.

I don't feel like going into it right now but I will answer those questions you posted for me. I didn't think anyone gave a fuck about my problems honestly, so thank you for taking the extra time to care.

 

[Ozekat]

I'll answer one or two for now. I've been using just oxy, I'm really tired of the allergy I get after using heroin ( only occurrs the day after use and lasts for 2-3 days, really disgusting coughing up shit not breathing right). If I wasn't allergic to heroin, I'd probably be a full blown H addict! So I must be lucky.

I've been around my dad who is a complete alcoholic/addict my entire life. And my mom is an addict too. So I've learned this lifestyle from them. I'm trying to get away from.....thats a hard question. I think responsibility and effort right now in my life. Because opiates fill that hole, but only for as long as I can keep them in my system.

Yes I do get somewhat "sick" when not using. I've been getting achy and irritably, anxiety....even a little RLS, which I've never had, even used to laugh about it when others had it.

I'm looking forward to being sober soon. I just keep trying to maintain this lifestyle. I don't want to keep taking heroin though, and I haven't had any since the last time I used and got really sick, which was probably 2-3 weeks ago. I've been sleeping my days away and being really really super inactive, which I hate because I enjoy working out, MMA (boxing, jui jitsu, muay thai) hiking, hard labor, camping......

So this is where I am now.

 

[neversickanymore]

Ozekat.. there is really compelling research that has been done on "identical" twins or addicts or one addict and a "normie" separated at birth and the results are pretty conclusive so far.. the researchers are looking for a Addiction gene, but are having trouble identifying one. My thoughts on that come from two things. First the ability of a newly born foal to run somewhat gracefully moments after being born. The other is the relationship between the limited size of the human birthing canal, because of the engineering requirements of the pelvis as well as the requirements of the human head. This relationship causes the unique phenomenon of the human baby coming out so dependent on the parents. The reason the baby comes out SO dependent on the parents is it is forced out when its brain has not had sufficient time to develop, had it been allowed to develop it would be unable to pass through the birthing canal. Considering some of the research concludes that the human brain reaches some sort of maxims at around twenty one years of age, hence the drinking age in some countries, then this would also indicate a very long pregnancy. Anyway the correlation between these is the striking percentage of addict parents who reproduce addict children. The children have been shown to have addict traits, such as certain addict thinking, before they ever touch a drug. Even when the life situations are dramatically different with each separated twin, different socioeconomic backgrounds, different home life, etc etc.. don't quote me but i believe the likely likelihood of either one of the twins becoming an active addict with one parent is in the high 60 percentile, while if both parents are addict i believe the likelihood jumps to the high eighties. If you look at how the brain seemingly works, important things necessary to life are hard wired into producing a dopamine release when achieved, orgasm during sex.. obviously to continue the species, the things with high priority also seem to come with a drive. The sex drive for instance. The drive for food, hunger. I believe these are all drives we are born with. It only makes sense to me then, since we introduced a huge "unnatural" dopamine release that this system would log it in as it does in an individuals addiction and pass it along to the offspring. I believe that where we are at with genetics is in an infintile stage, as there are many more chemicals that comes off the specific xna's. How else is the information to allow a foal to gallop around shortly after birth transferred from the parent. I believe the late development of the human mind hides allot of the information that is transferred from parent to offspring. But i feel it makes total sense that an event that produces such a dopamine release in a parent will be transferred to the offspring, as it is most likely looked at as the most significant event in that organisms history and it would make sense that something so significant should be locked into the system and the system should then drive offspring in this direction using positive known pathways to success, (addict thinking).

IMO if my theory is correct or parts of it correct, or just based on the fact that somehow genetically addiction is passed on down the line, you will have to alter your thinking. This is fully possible, a good example is the fellowships based of AA. They "teach you how to live" and you spend time in meeting, increasing your dopamine to calm the addictions drive, getting support as it is almost impossible to battle an addiction alone, as well as re programming your thinking. Every Time a fellow addict tells a story, as our situations are so similar, we are able to input a new ending to a neural pathway that previously had negative ending. In order to "recover from your addiction" you will need to change your thinking. Smart recovery addresses key issues that the fellowship falls short on and I advice you to incorporate as many of their ideas as you need.. there is no need to take one approach over the other as they both have amazing things to offer... look at the smart websight and look at the resouces. There are many amazing things there. IMO it is best to stay out of the this approach that approach and take all you can from where ever you can.. the goal is peace, wisdom, serenity, and enjoyable sobriety not some allegiance to a certain approach.. the more wisdom the better, even if the sources don't see eye to eye..

You are at a good stage to really start to figure this out.. Physical dependence does not equal addiction and there is no need to experience the nightmare of physical dependence to start working a program to live a life of peace and happiness, free from the misery and chains of addiction.. I have little to no doubt you are an addict, and have even less doubt you will find yourself in the heart of the fire if you continue. Change your thinking and you will set yourself, and hopefully your children free

 

[aliencowstorm]

Hey, I just wanted to thank you for replying, neversickanymore. I actually typed out a big long response, but fucking lost it all when I tried to post so I'm coming back to show my appreciation.

I don't feel like going into it right now but I will answer those questions you posted for me. I didn't think anyone gave a fuck about my problems honestly, so thank you for taking the extra time to care.

That crap happens to me all the time! Freaking hate it. And there's no way to get the exact thoughts back and I end up not even responding. Glad it's not just me.

 

[neversickanymore]

happens to me sometimes too.. go to edit, then GO advanced and see if the restore original content comes up, if it doesn't then close out to the forum go back into the thread and go to where you posted, it will be blank of course, then try the same thing to restore, or after trying the advanced thing the first time and having it not respond refresh your browser and see if going advanced will show the restore option.. hate that when i put allot of time in but usually by messing around with that stuff I get it back

 

[Ozekat]

Thank you so much, neversickanymore! Once again I am surprised in a very positive way by your long thought out and highly relevant responses. Not just to me, but on almost all the other threads I see you lurking ! haha

I am part of a wonderful buddhist network in my life, but because of my addiction I have distanced myself from them and from practice for about a month or two. Your response in part was a call to me to return, maybe you can understand maybe you can't, but I kind of feel like your words have a strong resonance to them, where you at the least rattle old chains that have rusted over and kept me (or you?) tightly wound.

Anyway I don't want to put you off be sounding too kiss-ass. lol. I'm just depressed right now and you seem to "get it". I never thought of things like what you are talking about. I mean, not to this extent anyway.....you really make sobriety sound fun, intellectual and possible! I must admit I have been quite fatalistic/ apocalyptic lately, so I'm looking forward to going back to my meetings because they DO help me tremendously.

I will read your long response a few more times before touching on it, it really is a beautiful point of view and very stimulating intellectually.....which for me is important to my own survival seeing as how I am an intellectual.

What a wonderful place BL can be.....!

 

[Ozekat]

I have been to one AA meetings and one NA meeting. I liked the AA more, the NA meeting I went to was new and a lot of the people didn't seem serious about recovery, just using the meeting as a place to emit large volumes of really bad vibes. It was awful. The AA meeting was more sincere. Seeing as how I have a lot of training in this department (being a vice district leader in my buddhist organization) and also a natural critic and psychoanalyzer, I can spot sincerity or lack thereof about 10 miles away.

 

[deidara]

holy shit I'm so glad I just took the time to read this whole thread. Thank you Ozekat, that is pretty much the exact same point I'm at in my life. I've really been struggling lately too, I almost had three years clean at one point by going to NA, but relapsed about a year ago and have been shooting dope with my fiance of three years on and off for the past year. I got 60 days clean at one point by running away back home to my family, but as soon as I returned to my city I started using with my fiance again and we've been running hard for the last 4 or 5 months. There have been a lot of heroin busts in our city (most of our main sources were gone) so we've been getting dopesick a lot or trying to get pills so we wont be sick. Last week I did a 3 day suboxone taper (something I've done many times), in hopes of staying off opiates (or surviving somehow) until I can move back to my hometown permanently which will be in the next few weeks. Well I used heroin again hte day after I stopped taking the sub, so now I'm back on and I guess I'll just have to sustain my habit and try to find some more suboxone strips for when I move. Really what's been bothering me lately though is that I'm just not sure any more if there's any chances left for me. Or really, if all us "addicts" just got unlucky at birth and this is just the way I am: a junky. Basically, I'm not sure if there's any point in me trying to get clean again. Besides every time I'm clean, I'm just as miserable as when I'm using because all I do is obsess about drugs. I used to believe NA worked but all of the people in the fellowship that I had become close to just cut me out of their lives as soon as I started using, even when I ask for help they want nothing to do with me or my fiance. So that made me lose faith in the program, and kind of in people in general. I drained my savings account that I had worked so far for by using this past year and I still have a little bit of money in a different bank that I'm not supposed to touch, but I'm thinking about just saying fuck it and taking that money and buying a one way plane ticket to europe. They treat junkies like real people over there and then I could be done with this whole stupid state. I just don't want to leave my family or my finace and if I did the guilt would be unbearable I'm sure. I already have so much I can't even get high enough to get rid of it anymore. Sorry for making this so fucking long I shot some speed earlier so I think that's why I went on a rant. If anyone is still reading you deserve a medal. Peace.

 

[Ozekat]

No, you're fine, deidara! I actually love deidara from naruto and you even have him as your avatar! Thats cool. Do you read the manga by chance?

Anyway I actually got back on here to thank neversickanymore AGAIN because I just started researching the SMART program and am very impressed so far. I am spiritual/religious but I like the approach that SMART has compared to the 12 steps.

You know, it amazes me just how little I have actually tried ANY kind of recovery for myself. I am still young and I hope I only have to really go through with this full fledged one or two times at most. Its actually embarassing to me that people like deidara here have gone through so much to recover and here I am bitching and haven't even attempted 25% of what he has.

Regardless, I am liking where this thread is going. To deidara, there IS hope!!! Don't beat yourself up, thats something the nice people on BL around these kinds of threads anyway are always reminding us of. Maybe you need to find a different approach than NA, and honestly unless you have done something specifically to insult or abuse those people at NA, they should not be treating you that way. I can relate to you actually. I have so many "friends" that don't use, and honestly the way they judge me and look down on me I would rather be in a room full of junkies than be around assholes who are "fair weather friends." It pisses me off because you never know who your real friends are. I think sometimes people are actually cowardly at heart, even though they try to appear as better than us because they don't use. They cannot fathom nor handle the complexity of why we are addicted, and frankly they do not care. So cast them out of your life.

Just recently I had to do this with my EX gf's bf. It is actually something that is contributing a great deal to my depression because I was developing a great and beautiful relationship with their baby girl of just one year old. These sick people were snorting lines in front of their daughter and chain smoking cigarettes in front of her around her constantly (WHILE she had a bad COUGH!) since she was in the carriage. And it is sad, but I have to move on. I can't get hung up on a kid that isn't mine, but when they were in MY house I demanded they not snort pills in front of the kid and try and smoke cigarettes with a door open or blow the smoke away from her.

Isn't it pathetic how some people are so strung out that they forget what truly matters? That the 1 year old takes precedence over everyone else in the house? I am not saying I was clean, of course the entire reason they were coming over at all was because of oxy, and he was the shit head who introduced crack into my life. Just an all around bad influence. And a thief. I'm not trash talking here, I know it for FACT.

My point here is that I told him (the dad) he was a scumbag and not allowed at my house anymore (which is actually my dads house). There is so much anger and frustration in my life......no one cares except me about these little innocent kids! Even my dad has no backbone to stand up to these bad parents.....such a shame!

"Justice will perish if people fail to be angered by evil." - The New Human Revolution by Daisaku Ikeda.

 

[neversickanymore]

Isn't it pathetic how some people choose to disregard what truly matters? .

Fixed.. not putting in the effort to smoke outside is a choice based on laziness should never be blamed on drug use.. most likely if those people were sober they would be smoking in the same place. my active addictions could probably swallow both thiers whole without even flinching and it never made me do such a thing.. and i never used it a an excuse to become a an excuse for a human being.. yeah its always an excuse.. junkies that use their addiction as justification to do whatever they feel, give us all a bad name and provide a justification for our mistreatment

"Justice will perish if people fail to be angered by evil." - The New Human Revolution by Daisaku Ikeda.

 

[deidara]

ozekat- yes I love Naruto I watch the shippuden every thursday and just recently started reading the manga. (I'm not caught up so no spoilers lol) anyways what you were saying about friends, that's why i can't do NA, at least in my current city, because all those people I used to trust and I thought cared about me just talk shit about me behind my back all the time because I'm using. One of my best friends from when I used to be clean recently relapsed so we've been shooting dope together. I hate it for her because I know it's gonna bring her pain but very selfishly I'm glad to have a close friend to hang out with because I'm lonely. The reason she relapsed in the first place was because a few months ago she did something bad and she told her sponsor and her sponsor just dropped her!!! Just cut her out of her life and then told all her friends (we all used to have the same group of friends) not to fuck with her anymore!!! So she was all alone and everyone close to her just shunned her so of course she started using. I don't blame her either, those people are judgemental assholes. They've all done horrible shit in their lives too, it's not like they're any better than us. That's why I'm moving back to my family, because they are the ones that really have unconditional love. The other reason I don't want to go back to NA is because I LOVE smoking weed, I'm a big pothead lol. I really hope one day I'll be able to smoke weed and not go straight to the needle. Amyways, I got a great fam so I got lucky in that area. Try to stay positive, the world can be a beautiful place, just depends on how you look at it.

 

[Ozekat]

Thanks Deidara. Man I'm really sorry to hear that. I don't have much experience with NA or AA, but man what these sponsors are doing is downright nasty. It just ain't right.

Yeah I LOVE naruto. I've been really into the manga (and I'm caught up so no spoilers I promise So don't worry, the manga stays good....where are you at btw? I love talking nerdy naruto with people.....or DBZ or whatever lol.

Hey I wonder what neversickanymore thinks about this NA deal you are going through? Like I said I don't have much experience but it sounds morally bad and in the end the people who are treating sick/addicted people like that, making them become alone and miserable with no one to turn to....well lets just say I am a very strong believer in karma, and one day they will get back a lot more of a dose of what they are serving. Believe it, cause and effect is real.

I'm kind of glad I haven't gotten too involved in AA or NA......it kind of reminds me of a endless cycle or I dunno, maybe I'm being closeminded but the people I've talked to and met, so many of them just relapse and they're all like "yeah I used to be in NA/AA". I guess there isn't a cure-all for addicts.

 

[Ozekat]

Thanks neversickanymore. I've been working through all that shit, in my head, about those two and their kid. I think I've mostly come to the right conclusion about distancing myself and not looking back, even though I can't help but worry about their poor little daughter they don't treat right. But its not my place at this point.

I think you're right. It is a disregard, or a choice and it can't be blamed on drug use. I was just so baffled by this guy, his entire life is like a diversion, or a shady sideshow and I told him that. But I want to move on now. And I am, one step at a time.

Our addictions can let us really let people walk all over us at times.

 

[neversickanymore]

The other reason I don't want to go back to NA is because I LOVE smoking weed, I'm a big pothead lol. I really hope one day I'll be able to smoke weed and not go straight to the needle.

Please think on this, if something doesn't apply to an addict in NA then throw it out the window, but allot of the time it does

Try to stay positive, the world can be a beautiful place, just depends on how you look at it.

Love this

Our addictions can let us really let people walk all over us at times.

if we choose to let them no but it is VERY compelling at times, but a moral active addiction takes time and effort, but in the end we choose to continue with the addiction or start to work at it

Hey I wonder what neversickanymore thinks about this NA deal you are going through? Like I said I don't have much experience but it sounds morally bad and in the end the people who are treating sick/addicted people like that, making them become alone and miserable with no one to turn to....well lets just say I am a very strong believer in karma, and one day they will get back a lot more of a dose of what they are serving. Believe it, cause and effect is real.
.

The fellowships as well as peoples experiences are a mirror image of life.. there a a few great, some good, a bunch ok, a few bad, and a couple terrible.. as in any place where a person is vulnerable there are wolves there to take advantage.. but in the general sense there a soooo many more good than bad.. also the practice of keeping a using member at more than arms length is totally normal, we are addicts and if we tried to plunge in and pull every active addict out of the teeth we would all fail.. an active addict that has been to the fellowships already knows the path they have to take and it is their responsibility to begin to make their way down that path, the members who shun an active addict will usually welcome them back with open arms when they make the necessary effort to regain sobriety.. "an addict personal sobriety comes first" and it is the responsibility of the active addict to put the necessary effort into climbing far enough out of the whole for it to be safe for the addict in recovery to lend a hand.. that being said allot of gossip permeates the fellowships, imo that is everywhere, and the "whats said in these rooms stays in these rooms" , is at best wishful thinking, thouigh it is usually kept to addicts and their partners.. kinda just like the drug scene the sobriety scene gossip moves just as fast.. that being said the benefits far outway the negatives, although you may be vulnerable and will need to expose yourself to strange people, lower your walls but keep your wits.. the steps are amazing as they can cripple an addiction if done well or even ok.. I do them and attend meetings, but this is just one weapon , I like to live a really good life but I also watch for wolves in the midst of SOOO many good people in the fellowship..

 

[Ozekat]

Guess I need to start getting busy. Man, I just don't want to do much of anything that doesn't involve eating, sleeping or getting high. But today I mowed the yard and was on my bike, it feels good to be out in the sun. Sunlight helps me feel better nomatter what.

I've decided I really need to move out of this house. Being here is like waiting to die. I need to distance myself from my dad (enabler). I'm barely getting by selling stuff online, and soon I will have nowhere to turn to. I've been out on my own before, I actually have a friend who is sober in florida and he suggested I come down there. I really want to get away and I love being abroad anyway. One of my happiest times in life is when I took an adventure to Oregon in '09.

I want to be happy again. But I wonder if my strong desire to just up and leave is part of my shying away from responsibility? Moving out of this house is one thing, but I don't want to be thrown back into addiction if I meet someone out on the road.

 

[neversickanymore]

I really want to get away and I love being abroad anyway. One of my happiest times in life is when I took an adventure to Oregon in '09.

I want to be happy again. But I wonder if my strong desire to just up and leave is part of my shying away from responsibility? Moving out of this house is one thing, but I don't want to be thrown back into addiction if I meet someone out on the road.

You take yourself wherever you go, if you are an addict in recovery you will be an addict in recovery on the road, you are who you are where ever you are.. responsibility is overrated if it doesn't involve offspring.. begin to live the rite life and hit the road addicts in recovery everywhere!, but don't think it will "fix" you you can do that and all you have to do is change your thinking.. your world is how you perceive it, your perception is based on your thoughts, your reaction to something determines how you feel, happiness is fleeting as it is an emotion, look for peace, look and find it in your own head

 

[deidara]

Right now I am sitting at home trying to decide to stay home and smoke weed all day and take a suboxone strip later if i feel shitty to start my detox, or go get some dope? A few ppl have called this morn and i have been offered dope to get some for someone else. So now I'm like well should I do the right thing and start my detox? But I really want to get high now... Ah this is fucking stupid this is my life just how it goes. I'm probably gonna do it.

As far as traveling goes, I feel you Ozekat. I want to go out on the road so bad, just say fuck it pack a backpack and get on a boat to europe.. I would if I wasn't addicted to opiates. Or if I had enough to last a while.... Over there in lots of different countries things like bupe or benzos are otc... In switzerland the government makes 100% pure heroin and provides 2 free doses a day to addicts... God I wish I lived there. It's clear, like pulling up a shot of liquid morphine... no more nasty black tar shots..

 

[Ozekat]

I feel you on all that deidara. I'm having just as hard of a time today. I ended up sleeping for like 16 hours. I'm so fucking bummed out, I need to have something to do besides sleep eat and get high but right now thats been my life for the past month.

Fantasizing about dope and all that. Yeah life sucks when you are a drug addict, unless you have your stuff. It still sucks then, even.


***edit

lol man I was just grumpy feeling better now. I'm glad I'm not on dope tonight. My addict brain is still wanting to burn one and drink beer though.