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what is the best way to deal with someone who seems clingy?

P

psytaco

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 20, 2005
Messages
1,673
Location
Melbourne, Aus
I went out this weekend to a gig and got chatting to a girl and got her number. We then went out for drinks two days later and were really enjoying each others company. She is about my age, smart and cool to talk too. Well one thing led to another and we ended up sleeping together. The sex was pretty good (best I have had in a while).

There are just a few issues. She has recently gotten out a relationship and still sounds like she is dealing with that. Further, after we slept together she got very clingy. Suggesting we do all of these together, that she really likes me, that we should talk on the phone a couple of nights a week (I don't live in the same city as her) etc. On the whole she just seems to be wanting to jump into something resembling a relationship or at least something more serious than I want to get into at this point in time.

She is a cool girl and I definately will be hanging out with her again, but I don't want to get into a relationship straight away nor do I want something too serious. I would rather just go through things a bit more slowly. Is there a good way of telling her this without hurting her feelings?
 
Any way is a good way. Leading her on to believe there is a relationship that doesn't exist will only hurt her.
Just be honest, tell her you're not looking for anything serious but the sex was great.
 
Yep you just have to be absolutely honest with her... It's better to tell her earlier.. Just tell her how you feel there really isn't a perfect way to say it and whether she will like it or not it really depends how well she will take it.. Let's just hope she is not too sensitive of a girl.
 
Tell her you really enjoy her company, find her physically attractive, like to spend your time with her. However, state that you have many other things to attend to in your life and can not "hang out" with her all the time. Providing examples to make her feel good, before letting her know you need some space, will be highly beneficial if you would like to continue the relationship.
 
Just tell her - sooner's better than later. I think if you make it clear that this is just because of how you feel in general these days and not because of her, there's no reason her feelings should get hurt too much. Just say that it's not about her but you don't want to jump into a relationship yet :)

aussie's advice is good I think.
 
psytaco said:
She is a cool girl and I definately will be hanging out with her again, but I don't want to get into a relationship straight away nor do I want something too serious. I would rather just go through things a bit more slowly.
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That sounds nice enough.
:P

Hey, I've been wanting to talk to you lately. You're so beautiful and we always have a great time together. The sex is awesome with you and I would love to spend more time with you. However, I know that you're just getting out of a relationship and I don't want to be the rebound. It seems like we're moving really fast. Faster than I'd like to move at this time. I don't want to rush into something and then it have it ruined because we rushed. I want this to last so it doesn't hurt to just take it slow, right? I really feel like we should get to know each other better and take it day by day. I just think you're such an amazing person. :)
 
Cool shall do.

I really don't think it is an unreasonable request to ask for things to go slowly. But yeah, I am hoping I'm not dealing with someone who is a bit too intense or unstable. She has been messaging me each day which is sweet but the initial intensity that she acted towards me after we slept together did trigger a bit of a red flag for me (though flattering). I have a bit of a worry about getting involved with someone who might have borderline personality tendencies as I have a very strong suspicision my ex girlfriend has this (even though she has never been diagnosed as such). I know what an emotional rollercoaster having involvement with a person like thi can be like.

Do you guys think I should send her a message via facebook telling her I would like to take it slow or wait until I see her in person next?
 
Taking things slowly implies there is a relationship and something serious enough to warrant changing pace in order to sustain it

I also think it's pretty unfair to insinuate being eager for love/affection/whatever (maybe she's lonely/driven to desperation through emotions) as BPD.

Are you looking for a serious relationship or a fling?
 
Abject said:
Taking things slowly implies there is a relationship and something serious enough to warrant changing pace in order to sustain it

I also think it's pretty unfair to insinuate being eager for love/affection/whatever (maybe she's lonely/driven to desperation through emotions) as BPD.

Are you looking for a serious relationship or a fling?
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A fling.

No you are right. that is just me being paranoid about the whole BPD thing.
 
Awww, she probably really likes you. The poor thing. If you like her as well, just tell her you need to go to work/school/whatever and you'll talk to her later or something.

Sit her down in person and tell her and yes before you sleep with her too.

Although I'm one to not mind serious long text messages either (Ali is gonna roll his eyes haha). But in the case of wanting her to slow down with the texts, I would do it in person.
 
psytaco said:
A fling.

No you are right. that is just me being paranoid about the whole BPD thing.
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If you have already decided what this relationship means to you, I think by being honest will be the best policy.

At this point, no matter what you do or say, you are still gonna hurt her after what has happened.
The only difference you can make is to man up and tell her the truth, that your not ready being in a relationship etc. I believe she will appreciate you telling the ugly truth now rather than telling her a lie just to get over it.

Since you've only known her for the past weekend, I don't think there will be any, if any at all, heavy emotions involved in this relationship.

Best of luck :)
 
This is the best time to slam on the brakes since you just started seeing her.

She probably hasn't BPD, but if you get a sense something is off you gotta trust your gut.
 
maybe she just really likes you

how logical is it to think someone has BPD because they are emotionally attached after having sex with you?

for some women sex causes instant attachment and you shouldn't view this negatively.

just be honest and dont lead her on if all you want is sex. its not fair and a waste of both parties time...
 
Yeah. In person.

Clingy is one thing that I just can't stand, personally. It works for some people but not for me. In the past, when guys have been interested me but gotten too interested too fast, I just couldn't deal with it. But everyone is different and sometimes two clingy people works just fine. Although I could stand a clingy (and likely codependent) relationship.

Some people move faster in relationships than others. Like others have said, she probably just really likes you and just doesn't know how to slow it down. She's excited. Just have a chat with her. It should be fine :)
 
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