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Is my 12 year old a sexual predator? Need advice ASAP

None of us here are qualified to answer your question, so we can only speak from opinion and personal experience. It would be worth talking to an expert, a sexologist or someone similar, without actually involving your son at this stage, because at this point that seems unnecessary and it would leave an impression on him.

However, since you're after our thoughts, here are mine: yes, it sounds likely your son has an attraction to younger children. I don't think it's normal for any 12-year-old to want to experiment sexually with a boy less than half his age.

I'm not positive about that. It could be that he's simply gay and his only outlet for the confusing and heavy sex drive of early puberty is the 5-year-old and he simply didn't think it through... or it could be that he was abused himself, and he's acting it out to try and make sense of it. It's hard to say at this point, and for his sake, you don't want to assume the worst. You definitely don't want to brand him a 'sex predator' when he's only twelve years old himself. That's grounds for a lot of trauma and a very fucked up adolescence. The most important thing is that he's your son and you love him no matter what, and you're doing that already, and it's what counts the most.

When you said you weren't sure if he was crying because he was genuinely sorry or because he got caught? You also said this: "He is a sweet kid with a great heart and up until this incident has been a near picture perfect big brother to the five year old." Okay so that doesn't sound like a sociopath to me. Sounds more like he knew what he was doing was wrong, and he made a big mistake, and of course he's sorry. Was he also crying because he got caught? Well yeah, can you imagine how terrifying it would be to have something like that exposed? I don't see there's any reason now to doubt his integrity, if there's anyone we need to be forgiving and understanding towards, it's our kids.

I don't talk about this often, but I grew up with a very weird and confusing sexual identity. Fortunately I was never attracted to kids, and none of my desires could ever have hurt anybody. But, considering what I went through because of my own fantasies (I'm not exaggerating when I say that without them I would be a considerably less damaged person today), it's not hard to imagine what it would be like: similar stuff, just even harder. If I'm right about this, you have an opportunity here to help your son avoid a lot of that pain. I can go into more detail about my own experiences, what I think is happening here, and what I reckon you can do about it, but I'd prefer you PM me because this isn't easy stuff to talk about. But I'd be happy to help if I can.

For the younger boy, I'm also wondering how badly this has hurt him. Did he go along with it and decide afterwards, based on everyone's reactions, that it was a bad thing? Is he mainly upset about it simply because he has the impression he was caught doing something he wasn't supposed to? Or, does he feel he was coerced into it? (Obviously he was manipulated, but I guess I'm asking whether he was reluctant from the start and forced into it.) Did he ask the older boy to stop, and try to get away? All those things, I believe, are crucial to how you handle it with him. It's a fine line to walk between missing or ignoring the problem, which means he grows up with no sense of resolution or support for what happened... and on the other hand, not making a bigger deal out of it than he feels it is, and through that, actually causing most of the damage. I don't envy you, it's not an easy position to be in. You can only do your best. The thing to remember is, at that age, reality is very fluid, kids do lots of weird stuff and with any luck he'll see it as a game that just got out of hand. He isn't old enough to understand 'sexual abuse' and all the connotations our society has with it. So with any luck, handled properly, he'll come out of this okay. But this is something I really feel you should talk to a professional about.

I'm sorry, I'm sure it's more tempting to listen to the ones in this thread saying there's nothing unusual about it and you're overreacting, but I agree, this is not normal behaviour. However, your son is not a bad person, and the situation is not unsalvageable. Best of luck... I feel for you, and I really hope both your kids come away from this as healthily as they can. You're doing the right thing and you're a good father.
 
No point trying to ascribe adult motivations to little kid shenanigans.

Who knows what in hell they were doing any why.

Either way, the moment has definately past now, I think doing anything other than leaving it alone at this point can only be for the worse.

Unless a patern of behaviour emerges there is nothing really to be done.
 
I was molested as a child but, I never touched anyone else. I also never told my mother or anyone else for a very long time. I couldn't say weather your son has been molested or not. I do suggest that you take him to see a counselor because as you already know this behavior isn't good. Honestly, I think your entire family could benefit from counseling. All of you have been through alot with drug addiction, losing your jobs and home. None of that is easy on children. I think it's great that you are both clean and rebuilding your lives.
 
Nobody wants to admit it, but this is somewhat normal

Just a matter of hiding it

Guide him gently along the right path and teach him societies rules and bullshit
 
MrGrunge said:
Your son isn't a "predator" nor does it sound like his behavior is particularly abnormal. I don't know a lot about your living situation, but it is clearly not what someone would call traditional. Your son is in the middle of puberty and is currently experiencing significant hormonal changes which have caused him to become curious about his sexuality resulting in his experimentation with his stepbrother. Most kids don't experiment with siblings, true, but most kids also don't have 3 addict parents and shower and sleep in the same bed as their siblings, so comparing his behavior to the societal norm isn't necessarily valid. Talk to the kid, explain to him why his actions were wrong and help him understand the changes his body is going through. The only reason you should consider psychiatric attention is if his behavior continues or intensifies. There's no reason to shame him or punish him too severely, that will only cause him problems later in life - just talk to him.

Source: I've studied Developmental Psychology
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i like this guy, he knows whats up. great response.
 
I agree with the people who've said you should try not making too big of a deal out of this (though I understand it must be difficult). It's very likely it was nothing more than harmless experimentation, as many kids engage in. He probably wasn't aware that he was doing anything wrong.
It's definitely a good idea to stop him from showering with anyone else (he's way too old for that anyway) etc., but other than that I would just have a talk with him explaining why he shouldn't have done that...it'll probably be enough. Don't jump to any premature conclusions :)
 
amnesiaseizure said:
Apologies if you think me flippant, i realise it can seem a complicated issue but i'm just not sure it is. In terms of the 5 year old, do you know that he was a true 'victim' in this? Was he physically hurt or felt bullied? I hate to say this as i can imagine your reaction but is there a chance that he enjoyed it at all? What I'm trying to say is that most sexual activity is basically playful until adults put their own spin on it. Before then its simply touching parts that feel sensitive and generally exploring the body. Sorry if I've not registered parts of your post properly but i think i just wanted you to look at the situation from another angle. I'm also worried the 12 year old is going to get labelled as sexually deviant which will probably incur more damage than the 5 year old has experienced.
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I am uncertian as to whether you are serious or not but this sounds very heartless. So in your mind that as long as the victim of sexual abuse enjoys the touching or sexual activity then they cease becoming a victim. Most of the time sexual abuse and/or rape feels good for the victim as there are nerve endings in our sexual organs and our bodies are designed to make sexual activity feel good. The sexual abuse victims usually feel guilty about liking/enjoying the abuse. This doesn't mean it is okay or that the victim has any less trauma from the abuse. I can understand if you truly don't understand this but it is an incorrect view . Even if the five year old requested or initiated the touching doesn't alleviate the blame on the twelve year old. Sexual abuse is a very serious issue due to the feelings and amount of time the victims suffer and usually suffer lifelong trauma and mental illness from the event. Please see below on how I handled the situation and please have a bit more sympathy for sexual abuse victims and that just because they touching/abuse feels good doesn't make it okay or lessen the pain the victim will suffer.
 
Here is how I handled the situation. Please respond with any criticism, opinions or advice.

Twelve year old - I simply sat him down after school and had a long talk. I explained that I still love him the same and I don't look at him any differently. I told him that he made a big mistake as a result of the changes his body is going through and the hormones in his body. I said that all boys/men get impulses and ideas but that he has to control them. I explained that he could come to me about anything and I wouldn't judge him or think any differently of him or love him less. I asked him if he had ever been touched that way or any one has done anything sexual with him (I made sure in the way I framed it that he would tell me) and he said he hasn't. He said he didn't know why he did it but he felt curious. I told him that he needs to focus on exploring his own body now and that the other stuff would come in time. I said it cannot happen again or this will escalate the situation and I will have to include doctors, CPS and the police and there would be serious consequences. I also explained that I did some weird things at the onset of puberty as well and that I had all kinds of weird feelings at that time. I didn't ask his about his sexual orientation and told him whether he liked boys, girls, both or he didn't know that I totally didn't care and still would love him and treat him the same. He now sleeps alone and showers alone. I also plan on making more one on one time for him and insuring that at least 30 min a day are spent on father and son quality time. I told him that the mistake is dropped and forgotten about and that he is okay and I don't think any different or love him any less. I then hugged him and told him how much I loved him and that I was lucky to be his father and that he was the best son that a father could ask for.

The three parents involved continue to let him play with the other kids but no more closed doors and the twelve year old sleeps and showers alone now. We will watch for any other signs of sexual compulsion, obsession or deviance and will address that if it is there. I personally think this was a one time thing and was brought on by hormones, curiousity and opportunity. I do understand that this is a serious issue but I think this is all that is needed with the twelve year old unless more behaviour presents itself.

Five year old - I sat him down as well and let him know that the twelve year old touching him was bad. I told him that if any one touches his privates that he needs to tell his mother or me immediately. No matter what the person who touches him threatens or anything. I then repeated a bunch of scenerios where people touch him there and threaten to hurt him or his family if he tells us and he still says he will tell us. I let him know that the twelve year old didn't know it was wrong but he does now. I also made sure that he knows if it happens again that he will tell us. I will continue to present this to him until his answer is automatic and I am certian he will tell us. I told him that doctors may have to touch him there and that is okay because mommy and daddy will be there. He treats the twelve year old the same and seems to have no ill effects from the incident. We will watch for any manifested behaviour or suffering that he might have from it and get help if needed.

Thank you everyone for your help and advice and I think that a lot of the responses were well thought out and understanding. Everyone who replied let me see the situation through their POV and helped me with the ultimate resolution for the problem. I think I took the most reasoned and best response for the children involved and did my best to minimize the damage that not only the act but being caught in the act did to them. Please feel free to comment if you think I dealt with it right or wrong and with your thoughts. I will not talk about the issue with either child unless serousily needed.
 
Yeah, it sounds like you handled the situation the best way you possibly could have - I'm sure things will turn out okay :)
 
yeah i think you (OP) handled the situation appropriately, what else can you do really?

it'd be great if more parents sought advice from others instead of being stuck in their ignorant ways (my family). If i ever do become a father i hope to stay as open minded as you have been.
 
Thank you all and believe that I couldn't have handled it in this way without the honest, caring and wonderful reponses from all of you. I am fairly new to Bluelight but the community has been fantastic on this issue and I wish I had some of you in my real, not on-line life. You all helped me see the issue from several different views and I think helped me to react in the best possible way for all involved. I did and still do understand how delicate the situation was and what it could do to both boys long-term along with how I handled it which, in my opinion, could have done even more harm to either boy if I acted incorrectly. I was lost and in searching the internet couldn't come up with a correct response so since I browse SLR when I am bored and due to some of the situations presented and well thought out responses, I decided to pose the problem to you all. I cannot express the amount of gratitude I feel in this post and I will not only browse but contribute to the forums in a way to pay back the wonderful, timely and life-saving help that you have all provided.

Also update v2.0 - The talks in the previous post happened last night but today the boys seemed their normal selves. The situation while still talked about in private by the adults has been not been discussed or alluded to towards or in front of the boys. The boys are playing together as normal and all four kids now bathe alone. The girls still sleep in the same room together due to the amount of room we have. No child shares the bed of another and doors remain open. We will continue to watch both boys for any further non-normal behaviour as a result of the act but everything was normal. The two girls while talked too by the mother (no they haven't been touched or had any sexual contact with the boy) and don't know what happened so no chance of son's friends or parents finding out. We seem to have contained the situation and hopefully this will be a one-time thing. I also believe that barring any other issues both boys will be fine and we shouldn't have any long term issues stemming from that night. I will update in awhile unless god forbid something new happens.
 
Codemaster Mike said:
Here is how I handled the situation. Please respond with any criticism, opinions or advice.

Twelve year old - I simply sat him down after school and had a long talk. I explained that I still love him the same and I don't look at him any differently. I told him that he made a big mistake as a result of the changes his body is going through and the hormones in his body. I said that all boys/men get impulses and ideas but that he has to control them. I explained that he could come to me about anything and I wouldn't judge him or think any differently of him or love him less. I asked him if he had ever been touched that way or any one has done anything sexual with him (I made sure in the way I framed it that he would tell me) and he said he hasn't. He said he didn't know why he did it but he felt curious. I told him that he needs to focus on exploring his own body now and that the other stuff would come in time. I said it cannot happen again or this will escalate the situation and I will have to include doctors, CPS and the police and there would be serious consequences. I also explained that I did some weird things at the onset of puberty as well and that I had all kinds of weird feelings at that time. I didn't ask his about his sexual orientation and told him whether he liked boys, girls, both or he didn't know that I totally didn't care and still would love him and treat him the same. He now sleeps alone and showers alone. I also plan on making more one on one time for him and insuring that at least 30 min a day are spent on father and son quality time. I told him that the mistake is dropped and forgotten about and that he is okay and I don't think any different or love him any less. I then hugged him and told him how much I loved him and that I was lucky to be his father and that he was the best son that a father could ask for.

The three parents involved continue to let him play with the other kids but no more closed doors and the twelve year old sleeps and showers alone now. We will watch for any other signs of sexual compulsion, obsession or deviance and will address that if it is there. I personally think this was a one time thing and was brought on by hormones, curiousity and opportunity. I do understand that this is a serious issue but I think this is all that is needed with the twelve year old unless more behaviour presents itself.

Five year old - I sat him down as well and let him know that the twelve year old touching him was bad. I told him that if any one touches his privates that he needs to tell his mother or me immediately. No matter what the person who touches him threatens or anything. I then repeated a bunch of scenerios where people touch him there and threaten to hurt him or his family if he tells us and he still says he will tell us. I let him know that the twelve year old didn't know it was wrong but he does now. I also made sure that he knows if it happens again that he will tell us. I will continue to present this to him until his answer is automatic and I am certian he will tell us. I told him that doctors may have to touch him there and that is okay because mommy and daddy will be there. He treats the twelve year old the same and seems to have no ill effects from the incident. We will watch for any manifested behaviour or suffering that he might have from it and get help if needed.

Thank you everyone for your help and advice and I think that a lot of the responses were well thought out and understanding. Everyone who replied let me see the situation through their POV and helped me with the ultimate resolution for the problem. I think I took the most reasoned and best response for the children involved and did my best to minimize the damage that not only the act but being caught in the act did to them. Please feel free to comment if you think I dealt with it right or wrong and with your thoughts. I will not talk about the issue with either child unless serousily needed.
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Sounds like you handled it great from this post. And please don't think i have no understanding of how sexual abuse affects the victims, i do. However, i realize that post you quoted did not confer such understanding. It wasn't a great way of communicating what i was trying highlight or suggest but from reading subsequent posts, they do it far better. I'm sure you've read them as it seems you've acted in a way that significantly mirrors the suggestions. Also, really really well done on kicking the opiate habit. I have come out of heroin addiction twice in my life so far so can relate to that 100%.

Like others have said, its great you sought advice instead of getting a god complex about parenting! Makes nice change to see someone looking for other pov in a difficult situation.
 
JessFR said:
I agree.

Look, it's obvious you care about your children and that's great, but I feel very concerned that what you're doing is traumatizing and labeling your children.

I can't say if what the 12 year old did was a sign of something darker, what I can say for sure is that it might well not be, and that you may well turn it into something dark if you label him as that.

Children 12 years old DO NOT know what they are doing, that's why we as adults have a duty to protect them from others and from themselves.

Talk to all the children involved, but please try not to overreact. Taking them to a therapist when they haven't been to one before is a sure way to make this into a long term issue. Obviously if there were a problem you can't just ignore it, but this is far too benign to be concerned of that in an otherwise healthy 12 year old boy.

Odds are if you make a label out of this, get the 12 year old to believe he's bad and what he's done is irredeemable, the way I see it there's only 3 things that could happen. One is he really does have a problem which seems unlikely if this is the first issue of its kind, and if that's the case labeling him will have changed nothing. Two is he doesn't have a problem and now will believe he does and will suffer very low self esteem that will follow him for a long time. And three is he doesn't have a problem and now believes he does and will act out that role he's been given.

Regardless, labeling does no good.

Talk to him, tell him you're sorry if you scared him and that you're just trying to look after him and his siblings. Reassure him he can tell you anything, and ask what he's thinking, why he thinks he did it, if he's ever been involved in anything else like that.

Just, please don't set him down a path where he believes he's broken and bad and can never be any better.

EDIT: I just read the post that showed up while I was writing this one. I looked back over my post and you're right, I didn't say enough about the 5 year old. I guess because I know that as the victim, he will get the support he needs and deserves. I'm worried that the 12 year old didn't know any better and that when he grows older and does that he will punish himself all the more as a result of your reaction.

12 is far too young to carry that kind of burden.

Ask the 5 year old boy how he feels, which I'm sure you've done, but try not to turn this into any more traumatizing than it already is.

Minimizing trauma is something we all widely recognize now as harmful, which it is. But maximizing it can be damaging too.

Keep an eye on the situation, but personally, I don't think 12 is old enough to be held responsible for this. Tell him he was wrong to do that certainly, and make sure he appreciates that, but don't traumatize all of them by dragging them all over the place to a head doctor.
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To the OP: I wanted to respond but this comment sums up most of my thoughts on it too, definitely follow it. My advice is don't traumatise the kid as it's highly unlikely that its a sign of anything sinister and any kind of serious over reaction will only have the opposite results. Seriously at that age, my libido was so insanely out of control, my parents had no idea and I looked and touched everything I had the chance to - female or male although admittedly they were all in my age group or older, can't say how i'd have reacted to someone aged 5 having a shower with me but luckily I was never in that situation. Also don't worry about the homosexual thing, I played around with males until i was about 15 then worked out that girls were totally me and have been straight as a desert highway ever since, but no regrets and happy memories of both, just not happy memories of how my parents handled my issues so be gentle and supportive and try to remember how awful those feelings were back then.
 
amnesiaseizure said:
Sounds like you handled it great from this post. And please don't think i have no understanding of how sexual abuse affects the victims, i do. However, i realize that post you quoted did not confer such understanding. It wasn't a great way of communicating what i was trying highlight or suggest but from reading subsequent posts, they do it far better. I'm sure you've read them as it seems you've acted in a way that significantly mirrors the suggestions. Also, really really well done on kicking the opiate habit. I have come out of heroin addiction twice in my life so far so can relate to that 100%.

Like others have said, its great you sought advice instead of getting a god complex about parenting! Makes nice change to see someone looking for other pov in a difficult situation.
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I am sorry if I came off as harsh but I believe I am correct. The victim enjoying the act definitely doesn't absolve the wrongness of the abuser. If that was the case then a majority of the sexual abusers in jail should be released.

I feel that the reason I didn't do more for the five year old is that I realized as a boy he is less likely to suffer repurcussions from the event. As there was no forced oral or anal sex and only a little touching and kissing I think the boy will be just fine. If this was my daughter I would have her in counseling to address the negative feelings that would come from this but I think boys are more resilient in this regard. This doesn't mean I don't think he was a victim but in seeing that there seems to be no fear or negative attitude towards the older boy that he should be just fine.

Also realize that I am very open sexually and have a very progressive view of sex. I have had many sex talks with my son (one main talk and a few boosters) and answered his questions honestly. I have tried to rely a postive attitude about sex in general but one that should have caution due to pregnancy and STD's. I explained safe sex to him as well. I don't shy away from explaining these things to him and that is another reason why I am suprised at this. I feel like situations like this are usually in homes where sexualality is repressed and not one where a parent that is available and open to solve sexual problems and questions is right there.

I feel (as well as everyone who responded to my update) that I handled the situation in the best way I possibly could. I took everyone's replies and really thought about everything I read. I feel that I didn't over or underreact but handled the situation the correct way.

Thank you for your congrats on beating the bear that is opiate addiction. I was a two to eight a day roxicodone 30mg user and got on suboxone and took that for two weeks splitting the 30 month script with my wife because she didn't have insurance. I didn't want to be dependant on opiates at all so I got the bright idea, with no research or I would have proceeded with more caution, to jump from the subs (4mgs a day) to nothing and my wife and I felt fine for three days and then pure hell with acute withdraw that lasted a week and then never ending PAWS. After acute withdraw we started to feel better again and then PAWS came and everything really started coming apart. We started to become very co-dependant on each other and that combined with the PAWS not only pushed us to the edge of breaking up but to the edge of sanity. We made it somehow and we ended up hanging on to our relationship (addict couples getting clean together is rare for a reason as it is twice as hard to deal with withdrawal, PAWS and due to co-dependancy) and now feel normal. Now we have to pick up the pieces and solve the problems a couple with a long-term addiction can leave in their wake but we are positive, happy and looking forward. We are stronger as a couple for going through this together and we met prior to being addicted so the pills weren't the only thing we had in common. I'm sorry for breaking it out and I might go to an addiction/recovery area and post our story because I think as a couple clearing the hurdle together it has unique value due to the rarity of success. We are over two months clean and will never relapse. Thank you again.
 
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Ok, here goes. I was'nt going to post on this until the situation was handled due to the possibilty of the OP not getting the opinions that helped him deal with the situation.

I am the wife, also the mother of the 5 year old and stepmother of the 12 year old.

First I would like to say thank you to everyone for giving my husband some advice and your opionions on this situation. This was not an easy matter for anyone, meaning the adults and the boys. My husband did handle it in a very private, loving and non intimidating manner that made both boys very comfortable.

I do want to clear up the whole Oxy addiction thing. Yes we were both addicted to it for a while, and yes it did cause some damage but it was not damage so bad that it is beyond repair. We are clean now and we are and have been trying to repair the damage that we caused.

Prior to and during the drug use (emotionally except for the times we were out of pills and in withdraw) my husband awed me all the time by his actions of being a father. The drug use took us both away from them when we couldn't get the pills and financially it hurt our family as a whole. He is aware of the toll addiction took on our family and is incredibly remorseful for it happening but he is also the one who made us get clean and I don't think I could've done it without him.

Yes he is the stepfather of my 3 children, but he is nothing less than Daddy to all of the children. He took on the role as Dad to them due to the fact their biological father walked out on them when the 5 yr old was only 3 weeks old. In my eyes as well as others that takes a big person to take on the role of an absent parent, especially to 3 children. He helped me with my children when I never asked nor expected him too. He did it out of love and because he has one of the biggest hearts I have ever seen. Needless to say my children have the father they deserve and now since the drug use is over he has became that complete dad to them again.

The relationship between my husband and his son ( the 12 yr old) is nothingless than a great one. They have an unbreakable bond between each other. His son looks up to him and I believe he should. He has made mistakes and yes the addiction was part of the reason but he has not once used it as an excuse to the reason he was a semi-absent parent. He blames himself for it and has taken the steps to fix what he broke with him.

They have a very open and honest relationship with each other and it has made them as close as they are today. I was upset when I read some of the posts kinda blaming him for this situation. We never thought we would have to put anyone in the living situation we are in, but believe it or not EVERYONE is very comfortable with it including the 12 yr old. This was discussed and asked of him by his Dad and mother as well as myself and he reassured us that he was comfortable with it.

Dad has had several talks with his son about the feelings that boys will have at his age and what he can expect when he does hit puberty as well as sex. His son has been reserved in regards to sex but has no problem asking about changes or possible issues with his sexual organs. Dad has made sure he explained as much as he could about sex and sexuality to him as much as he can without over doing it. But even though basic sexual topics been discussed I do know that some curiosities are going to arise that may not have been discussed.

When this situation happened my husband did not freak out, yell, scream or make his son feel horrible about it. He was hesitant to let me know what happened due to my son being the 5 yr old. He was very concerned that I was going to flip out and attack the 12 yr old in a way that I would regret. I did not have it in me to do that to him even though I was sitting there looking at my 5 year old knowing that he just had this done to him. I think it was also due to the state of shock I was in.

I then gained my composure and thought to myself what would it accomplish if I blew up about it. It would have done nothing but make the situation worse, make the 12 yr old feel like a monster and scare the hell out of my son. It would have also been something that I would have regretted. It took me about a day to come with terms with what happened but I did and forgave the 12 year old. I look at his son (I consider our son but for the sake of confusion reference his) and see an amazing, loving kid. I see a baseball player that comes to me and talks to me about the girls he likes and things they tell him. I see the boy that helped the younger boy learn how to ride a bike and stand up to his sisters that always push him around.

I myself was a victim of mild sexual abuse when I was 7 and severe sexual and physical assult by 4 men when I was 15. I wish I had this man as my parents when both of these situations happened. The first incident was touching done by a close male friend of the family. My parents told me to forget it and it was never spoke about again. Nothing was discussed at all. NOTHING!!
I was living with my grandmother up north when the 2nd incident happened and my grandmother found me. She then contacted both of my parents and let them know what happened.

Once I was well enough to go home my grandmother immediately took me to my father's home to protect me from the men who did this and to hopefully get me help. Well guess what kind of help I recieved? NOTHING!!!!! My father refused to talk about it and refused to allow me to talk about it. I was not allowed to discuss it with anyone, no doctors, counselors or other family members. My father was too embarrased that this happened to me that it was not allowed to be spoke of again. So I was a damaged teenager and it did eventually cause me to act out and to have bad feelings towards my family. My father and I do not speak to each other today and I dont know if we ever will.

I did get a chance to talk to the 12 yr old one on one and I DO feel it was something he did out of curiosity. I DO feel that he is very very sorry for doing it. I DO feel this was a one time incident and it will not be repeated by him. I did let him know before I even started to discuss the issue with him that I love him very much, DID NOT think he was a monster and I did not want him to think I hated him. I did let him know that I was upset, hurt and worried due to what happened. He understood this. I wanted to reassure him that I was not going to think, feel, act or treat him any differently than what I did prior to this happening.

Our talk was after his Dad handled the situation. I think letting him know how I felt about the situation and letting him know that I have no negative feelings made him feel that he can move on and know that we love him. He had the look of relief on his face when we finished our talk.

All 3 of the adults do believe it was done out of curiosity only and he felt that he could allow my son to help him with that cause he knew that his little brother would think he was helping him and wasn't doing anything wrong. We also feel that its not something that will happen again.

Well as my husband said in a recent post everything is back to normal and no one is walking around or acting like anything wrong happened. Yes we have made changes but not changes that will affect the children in a bad way. We do admit to the mistakes that we have made but anyone that is a parent knows that those mistakes and learning from them are what makes you a better parent.

I again thank everyone for helping him out with this difficult situation. I know some of you will still have your same opinions as before but we are doing everything possible to correct everything that has been brought to our attention. Please do know that all 3 of the parents in this situation do let the children know that they are very loved and they are our #1 priority no matter what.
 
Thanks for that Addie. I almost can't believe how common it is to hear about victims of sexual abuse being ignored or even silenced. Addressing what happened to your son instead of dismissing it was definitely the right thing to do. So was not blowing it out of proportion for either boys. I agree with Mike that he most probably will be fine. You've done the best you can for your kids and put them first, which is all anyone could ask for. Anyone who judges you for your drug addiction while raising children needs to get over it. What counts is that you got past it, and it sounds like you got past it for them, and that's more than a lot of people could say.

I agree it's safest to assume your stepson has a more or less normal sexuality and that this was just a very inappropriate way to express feelings he doesn't know how to deal with yet. To me (and I understand I'm in the minority here), it seems possible this is a more chronic problem, but pragmatically speaking, there's no need to worry about that unless you have cause to, so again, I can only applaud the way you've handled this and hope that if I ever have kids, I'll be as good a parent.

I definitely agree you shouldn't have to worry about the 12-year-old doing something like this to any of the other kids again. Sounds like he learnt a hard enough lesson.

Mike: yeah I get your confusion that this happened in such an unrepressed environment. Repression can lead to weird stuff like this happening out of frustration and inner turmoil. But it can also happen just on its own. So he knew he should've gone to you, but he also knew even without that that he shouldn't have done this. Sometimes even smart people make bad decisions. This just happens to be a case of a very bad one.
 
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