Flickering
Bluelighter
None of us here are qualified to answer your question, so we can only speak from opinion and personal experience. It would be worth talking to an expert, a sexologist or someone similar, without actually involving your son at this stage, because at this point that seems unnecessary and it would leave an impression on him.
However, since you're after our thoughts, here are mine: yes, it sounds likely your son has an attraction to younger children. I don't think it's normal for any 12-year-old to want to experiment sexually with a boy less than half his age.
I'm not positive about that. It could be that he's simply gay and his only outlet for the confusing and heavy sex drive of early puberty is the 5-year-old and he simply didn't think it through... or it could be that he was abused himself, and he's acting it out to try and make sense of it. It's hard to say at this point, and for his sake, you don't want to assume the worst. You definitely don't want to brand him a 'sex predator' when he's only twelve years old himself. That's grounds for a lot of trauma and a very fucked up adolescence. The most important thing is that he's your son and you love him no matter what, and you're doing that already, and it's what counts the most.
When you said you weren't sure if he was crying because he was genuinely sorry or because he got caught? You also said this: "He is a sweet kid with a great heart and up until this incident has been a near picture perfect big brother to the five year old." Okay so that doesn't sound like a sociopath to me. Sounds more like he knew what he was doing was wrong, and he made a big mistake, and of course he's sorry. Was he also crying because he got caught? Well yeah, can you imagine how terrifying it would be to have something like that exposed? I don't see there's any reason now to doubt his integrity, if there's anyone we need to be forgiving and understanding towards, it's our kids.
I don't talk about this often, but I grew up with a very weird and confusing sexual identity. Fortunately I was never attracted to kids, and none of my desires could ever have hurt anybody. But, considering what I went through because of my own fantasies (I'm not exaggerating when I say that without them I would be a considerably less damaged person today), it's not hard to imagine what it would be like: similar stuff, just even harder. If I'm right about this, you have an opportunity here to help your son avoid a lot of that pain. I can go into more detail about my own experiences, what I think is happening here, and what I reckon you can do about it, but I'd prefer you PM me because this isn't easy stuff to talk about. But I'd be happy to help if I can.
For the younger boy, I'm also wondering how badly this has hurt him. Did he go along with it and decide afterwards, based on everyone's reactions, that it was a bad thing? Is he mainly upset about it simply because he has the impression he was caught doing something he wasn't supposed to? Or, does he feel he was coerced into it? (Obviously he was manipulated, but I guess I'm asking whether he was reluctant from the start and forced into it.) Did he ask the older boy to stop, and try to get away? All those things, I believe, are crucial to how you handle it with him. It's a fine line to walk between missing or ignoring the problem, which means he grows up with no sense of resolution or support for what happened... and on the other hand, not making a bigger deal out of it than he feels it is, and through that, actually causing most of the damage. I don't envy you, it's not an easy position to be in. You can only do your best. The thing to remember is, at that age, reality is very fluid, kids do lots of weird stuff and with any luck he'll see it as a game that just got out of hand. He isn't old enough to understand 'sexual abuse' and all the connotations our society has with it. So with any luck, handled properly, he'll come out of this okay. But this is something I really feel you should talk to a professional about.
I'm sorry, I'm sure it's more tempting to listen to the ones in this thread saying there's nothing unusual about it and you're overreacting, but I agree, this is not normal behaviour. However, your son is not a bad person, and the situation is not unsalvageable. Best of luck... I feel for you, and I really hope both your kids come away from this as healthily as they can. You're doing the right thing and you're a good father.
However, since you're after our thoughts, here are mine: yes, it sounds likely your son has an attraction to younger children. I don't think it's normal for any 12-year-old to want to experiment sexually with a boy less than half his age.
I'm not positive about that. It could be that he's simply gay and his only outlet for the confusing and heavy sex drive of early puberty is the 5-year-old and he simply didn't think it through... or it could be that he was abused himself, and he's acting it out to try and make sense of it. It's hard to say at this point, and for his sake, you don't want to assume the worst. You definitely don't want to brand him a 'sex predator' when he's only twelve years old himself. That's grounds for a lot of trauma and a very fucked up adolescence. The most important thing is that he's your son and you love him no matter what, and you're doing that already, and it's what counts the most.
When you said you weren't sure if he was crying because he was genuinely sorry or because he got caught? You also said this: "He is a sweet kid with a great heart and up until this incident has been a near picture perfect big brother to the five year old." Okay so that doesn't sound like a sociopath to me. Sounds more like he knew what he was doing was wrong, and he made a big mistake, and of course he's sorry. Was he also crying because he got caught? Well yeah, can you imagine how terrifying it would be to have something like that exposed? I don't see there's any reason now to doubt his integrity, if there's anyone we need to be forgiving and understanding towards, it's our kids.
I don't talk about this often, but I grew up with a very weird and confusing sexual identity. Fortunately I was never attracted to kids, and none of my desires could ever have hurt anybody. But, considering what I went through because of my own fantasies (I'm not exaggerating when I say that without them I would be a considerably less damaged person today), it's not hard to imagine what it would be like: similar stuff, just even harder. If I'm right about this, you have an opportunity here to help your son avoid a lot of that pain. I can go into more detail about my own experiences, what I think is happening here, and what I reckon you can do about it, but I'd prefer you PM me because this isn't easy stuff to talk about. But I'd be happy to help if I can.
For the younger boy, I'm also wondering how badly this has hurt him. Did he go along with it and decide afterwards, based on everyone's reactions, that it was a bad thing? Is he mainly upset about it simply because he has the impression he was caught doing something he wasn't supposed to? Or, does he feel he was coerced into it? (Obviously he was manipulated, but I guess I'm asking whether he was reluctant from the start and forced into it.) Did he ask the older boy to stop, and try to get away? All those things, I believe, are crucial to how you handle it with him. It's a fine line to walk between missing or ignoring the problem, which means he grows up with no sense of resolution or support for what happened... and on the other hand, not making a bigger deal out of it than he feels it is, and through that, actually causing most of the damage. I don't envy you, it's not an easy position to be in. You can only do your best. The thing to remember is, at that age, reality is very fluid, kids do lots of weird stuff and with any luck he'll see it as a game that just got out of hand. He isn't old enough to understand 'sexual abuse' and all the connotations our society has with it. So with any luck, handled properly, he'll come out of this okay. But this is something I really feel you should talk to a professional about.
I'm sorry, I'm sure it's more tempting to listen to the ones in this thread saying there's nothing unusual about it and you're overreacting, but I agree, this is not normal behaviour. However, your son is not a bad person, and the situation is not unsalvageable. Best of luck... I feel for you, and I really hope both your kids come away from this as healthily as they can. You're doing the right thing and you're a good father.