I've discovered that my grandmother has narcissistic personality disorder.

[LogicSoDeveloped]

So recently after studying my grandmother's behavior patterns, I've determined that she has NPD. For those not familiar, NPD is characterised by such behaviors as grandiose self-worth, inability to see one's actions as being wrong, controlling behavior and so on and so forth. I can go in to more depth if necessary. I would prefer to not add personal painful childhood stories but that can be PM'd if necessary.

Nobody sees this behavior besides me and one of my best friends-as she is really good at what she does, either that or most people are unaware of narcissistic personality disorder. My aunt has also confirmed what I have said about my grandmother.

My grandmother raised me since I was 8 and as a result, I exhibit SOME behaviors of a child of a narcissistic parent but not ALL.

What should I do?

Confronting a narcissist is generally useless by the way-they lack the ability to feel empathy nor do they see themselves as imperfect in anyway.

 

[Beachcat]

I would do nothing in terms of trying to get your grandmother to come to terms with your discovery. Instead, I would focus my energies on making sure that you are protecting yourself in your interactions with her by knowing all of the signs of NPD. May be worth seeing a therapist for yourself as well.

 

[pofacedhoe]

dont bother wasting your time on trying to make her aware. i would spend as little time as is necessary around her.

is she hyper critical of you?

either way i would avoid spending too much time with her. personality disorders affect you less the less time you spend around them.

focus on improving yourself and distance yourself from this situation and make a life for yourself on your own terms

 

[B1tO'RoughJack]

I wouldn't do anything about addressing "NPD". It is not really your business to bring up her being a narcissist, she is probably aware, but I'm sure the term NPD means nothing to her.

How old is she? And what symptoms exactly? List them all, or we cannot help you to deal with this much.

I would say you cannot help her with the "NPD", she is probably too old to feel the urge to change significantly.

What you can do is not let her dramas bother you, and anytime she starts some shit, tell her you are not entering into it as it is pushing your buttons. THen later calmly inform her of her negative behaviour, and why you had to take time out on spending time with her. If the behaviour continues, simply adjust your behaviour to a positive one, with self-discipline and let it bounce off you, or walk away if you cannot.

Part of it of course will just be your emotional reaction to her actions, but I'm sure most of it is not very nice.

 

[Lysis]

Good luck op. My mom has mental issues although she has never been officially diagnosed. The last stunt she pulled was 4 years ago and I flat out told her I had enough and will not have anything to do with her until she sees someone. 4 years later and she just pretends not to know why I refuse to talk to her. In fact she uses my separation from her as a means for more attention.

Basically she chose attention seeking to having a relationship with her daughter. That's fine. I'm so much less high strung now that she is out of the picture.

So you can't help or make someone accept that they need help if they don't want it. Better to remove yourself and live a happy life and hope she sees someone.

 

[LogicSoDeveloped]

For example, when a family friend told me something she didn't want me to know, she tried to bring up pedophilia charges against him. These accusations were completely without base-the man is a loving, caring individual who has done nothing but help me. She realized that that was a weak spot that she could exploit. She did this after getting me on juvenile probation for arguing with her-I didn't curse at her, hit her or anything of that nature- I simply argued with her. She had the officer going and ready to do something up until I straight up said I don't care what you do, I'm not going to help you get an innocent, good man in trouble.

That is just an example of her behavior. I can continue. My grandfather is dead along with my mother, both through suicide. My grandfather committing murder-suicide.

From what I've read thus far, most people that develop strong/close bonds with sociopath/narcissists end up dead. These evil people have no long term friendships. The more I read about these behavior disorders, the more I see these patterns in her behavior.

From what I've read, the only thing I can do is walk away.

 

[Pagey]

I would do nothing in terms of trying to get your grandmother to come to terms with your discovery. Instead, I would focus my energies on making sure that you are protecting yourself in your interactions with her by knowing all of the signs of NPD. May be worth seeing a therapist for yourself as well.

I agree with this. You probably can't do much to help her or change how she is/acts, so the best thing to do is ensure that you manage to protect yourself from it.

Edit: just saw your reply. I'm so sorry you had to go through all that, that's just simply awful. It just goes to reinforce the point that you should really 'save' yourself from her influence, maybe therapy wouldn't be such a bad idea.

 

[llama112]

Yeah, I agree with the above. I probably wouldn't do anything about it. What is it that you want to accomplish?
Learning about NPD is great, but that's what you're doing already - all you can do is keep learning, and possibly see a therapist yourself.

 

[T. Calderone]

For example, when a family friend told me something she didn't want me to know, she tried to bring up pedophilia charges against him. These accusations were completely without base-the man is a loving, caring individual who has done nothing but help me. She realized that that was a weak spot that she could exploit. She did this after getting me on juvenile probation for arguing with her-I didn't curse at her, hit her or anything of that nature- I simply argued with her. She had the officer going and ready to do something up until I straight up said I don't care what you do, I'm not going to help you get an innocent, good man in trouble.

That is just an example of her behavior. I can continue. My grandfather is dead along with my mother, both through suicide. My grandfather committing murder-suicide.

From what I've read thus far, most people that develop strong/close bonds with sociopath/narcissists end up dead. These evil people have no long term friendships. The more I read about these behavior disorders, the more I see these patterns in her behavior.

From what I've read, the only thing I can do is walk away.

Sorry about your mother and granddad. It must have been hard for them and I'm sure grandma made their lives hell too.
That is classic sociopath behavior. They can be very convincing liars. There's no sense trying to speak to her about it because she won't listen.

Stay as far away as you can. I dated a guy like this and I think I'm still having post traumatic stress from him.
Sociopaths generally cannot maintain friendships because they alienate them through their manipulation and lying.
They try to make you think that you're the crazy one when confronted, that won't work.

Distance is the best cure to heal yourself besides therapy.

 

[Effuzion]

I'm pretty sure every woman in my life is one of these (mom, both grandmas, multiple ex-girlfriends). Here's what I did: move really fucking far away. They still find ways to pull me back in ("oh come home for Christmas, we miss you, let us buy you plane tickets" then the day of "by the way your flights are 12 days apart so I hope you can spend 2 weeks with us") but at least for 90% of the year I don't have to be around them.

 

[Lysis]

Sorry about your mother and granddad. It must have been hard for them and I'm sure grandma made their lives hell too.
That is classic sociopath behavior. They can be very convincing liars. There's no sense trying to speak to her about it because she won't listen.

Stay as far away as you can. I dated a guy like this and I think I'm still having post traumatic stress from him.
Sociopaths generally cannot maintain friendships because they alienate them through their manipulation and lying.
They try to make you think that you're the crazy one when confronted, that won't work.

Distance is the best cure to heal yourself besides therapy.

On my phone so I can't quote just the part I want. Amen to making you feel crazy if you bring it up. This is what my mom does. She even goes as far as to get angry and cry and give you the silent treatment like you're the asshole when *she* asks you why you don't talk to her. Lol

That shit just don't work on me no mo'

 

[pofacedhoe]

I'm pretty sure every woman in my life is one of these (mom, both grandmas, multiple ex-girlfriends). Here's what I did: move really fucking far away. They still find ways to pull me back in ("oh come home for Christmas, we miss you, let us buy you plane tickets" then the day of "by the way your flights are 12 days apart so I hope you can spend 2 weeks with us") but at least for 90% of the year I don't have to be around them.

i dont see how paying you're ticket fare is so bad...

maybe thats just me

 

[LogicSoDeveloped]

My plan is to essentially cut my interaction with her down to only what is necessary-such as getting checks to pay my rent since I'm only 20 and in college. When I'm 21, I'll have control of my college money but until then, I must interact with her but I am ordering "the sociopath next door" and going to read it like the fucking bible.

I still can't believe this. She raised me and all of these years, I knew something was wrong with her but nobody believed me. Now, I know and I'm fucking glad. I will let her know when she's on her deathbed. I know this sounds sick and twisted but her psychological abuse has caused me to feel no empathy toward her.

I know that I need therapy though. I do know that if I'm not going to end up like her or her victims.

 

[LogicSoDeveloped]

i dont see how paying you're ticket fare is so bad...

maybe thats just me

manipulative behavior at its finest, the control aspect is disguised her in kindness. Few people can argue with it unless they understand the behavior behind it. The money isn't the issue here, it is the issue that they have made all of the decisions without his consent. It's something my grandmother does to create codependency. Sociopaths create bonds that are difficult to break to accomplish what they want.

She has created a lack of self-confidence in me on purpose so that she can push me this way and that.

 

[Lysis]

Wow I can empathize so much. I do the same thing looking back as I grew up and didn't see it but now I think back to how she was and its no wonder I was a nervous wreck with mood issues until I left that house.

But if you think about it, no one teaches you about this stuff ever unless psychology is your major in college.

 

[Pagey]

My plan is to essentially cut my interaction with her down to only what is necessary-such as getting checks to pay my rent since I'm only 20 and in college. When I'm 21, I'll have control of my college money but until then, I must interact with her but I am ordering "the sociopath next door" and going to read it like the fucking bible.

I still can't believe this. She raised me and all of these years, I knew something was wrong with her but nobody believed me. Now, I know and I'm fucking glad. I will let her know when she's on her deathbed. I know this sounds sick and twisted but her psychological abuse has caused me to feel no empathy toward her.

I know that I need therapy though. I do know that if I'm not going to end up like her or her victims.

I think that souds like a good plan. It's great that you've come to realize this, it'll help you actually deal with it rather than letting yourself be sucked in, as would probably have happened were you not aware of her problem.

 

[LogicSoDeveloped]

I have confidence issues, depression, anxiety and a slew of mental problems stemming from how evil she is. My main goal is to not become a sociopath in learning how to deal with her because I'll have to use my manipulative skills to win, which I will.

This is why I like my girlfriend so much. She has helped me acknowledge my behaviors without her realizing it. She's a really good person and understands that I am too, I just have a lot to work with. If I didn't have some amazing people in my life, I don't know where I'd be. Whenever I unconsciously try to use manipulative behaviors, she isn't phased. I have the early stages of these behaviors but now I know that I can slowly repair myself. I'm only 20 after all.

I don't think that my girlfriend is aware of dangerous these behaviors are or that I need to fix them in myself so she doesn't back away. I even mentioned to her that I've used manipulation toward her but then she asked "did it work?" and I said "never to you," and I understood better then.

I have issues with impulsivity as well.

 

[RobotRipping]

no offense but unless you are a psychiatrist then you haven't really diagnosed her. She could be borderline/sociopath or whatever else. From your description she sounds manipulative and completely fucked up but you can't just slap a label on her without proper qualifications. Maybe urge her to seek medical help or just don't talk to her again. IMO these individuals are best left out of my life, even though that is cold, unless they want/seek help, i'm not going to let them fuck my life up. My gf's mom is the same way, completely fucked just like that. We don't talk to her at all.

She would send us money/buy food for us all the time, only to manipulate us and then blame her massive spending on me being a drug addict and then telling me whole family i spend 7 grand a month on drugs (i spend like 300-400 of my own money at most on drugs per month). That kind of bulllshit i just can't deal with, i wouldn't even take money from her, that seems fucked up IMO. I guess you are using it to a good end but still, IME, it only creates further issues and gives her more power over you emotionally.

i wouldn't consider her evil either, but i guess that is an argument for another forum. Perhaps she has some sort of disorder that has to do with neurological issues, maybe she grew up fucked up too, who knows but she is a human being and as such is neither good nor evil.

 

[Lysis]

Logic, you have the ability to overcome your issues once you get away from her. My sister and I both became much less high strung and much more confident and outgoing once we got away from the bullshit. People like that are so toxic and you don't realize how badly they affect you until you're able to get away from it.

Good luck and don't feel guilty if you have to finally tell her that she is too toxic to be around. At the end of the day you have to take care of yourself first.

 

[Noodle]

Spot on Lysis.

I agree that distancing yourself from her is key, especially now.

Realizing where the problem lay--not with YOU!--is the first step to reclaiming your sense of self, reality, and relative sanity.