Well...

[Pagey]

I feel like such an idiot.
I tried heroin for the first time a few months ago. I'd done pretty much all the other opioids in the book aside from morphine but I'd sworn to myself to never, ever, ever get near heroin because I knew I wouldn't be strong enough to only use it occasionally. I'd already had a few problems with oxy (which luckily I'd managed to get rid of quickly) and also way bigger problems with xanax a few months before. The xanax had drained me of all life -literally, since I tried to kill myself - and I'd just vowed never to find myself in that place again.
So anyway, I was offered heroin about 3 months ago and was in a bad place at the time and just wanted to see what the big deal was. You'll all have heard this a billion times before but you know, I thought I would be the one exception that would be strong enough and would manage to use only once and that would be it. I tried it one evening after class; and used every single day after that for 5 days.
After those 5 days were up I freaked out, realized what I had done and once again, promised myself it would never happen again, I had to get out while I could, I knew what addiction could do to you blablabla. It was okay for a bit, mainly because I lost contact with my dealer anyway and didn't have anyone else to supply it for me. I found another one very quickly though and once again, used for 6 days straight this time. And once again, freaked out, swore not to do it. I bought some more a few days later, after which I broke all contact with that dealer in a pathetic attempt to save myself. I made this batch last a few weeks, using only once a week...so I figured I was fine, it was under control. But I started panicking as I realized I was almost finished with it. I went a couple weeks without, been using OTC codeine instead but well it wasn't very satisfying. A few days ago though I got a new contact and well, you can guess by now, I've been using a few days straight.
I feel like a mess. I know where this is going to lead me and I know I'm inevitably heading there, because as much as my brain is yelling at me, I don't want to stop because it feels like this is all I have right now. I keep telling myself things in my life are improving but they really aren't, I'm just kidding myself. I really just feel as bad as I have for years. I want it to end so bad and heroin is the only thing keeping me going and giving me a reason to get up in the mornings, something which I haven't even been doing in the past few weeks. I've been forcing myself to go out in the evenings and interact with people, 'have fun', or at least pretend to, but truth is it just feels like shit because I know how fake it is. I hate being with them and the whole time I'm just telling myself I can't wait to get back to my room and do more h. I hate how much I've let myself go physically but I don't have the strength to change it so I just snort more. I've stopped going to my classes or doing any of my work. I'm going home for a few weeks in a week and I'm dreading it so much. There are horrible memories there and I don't know how I'll handle it. I'm terrified.
So there's my confession, I've been deluding myself for weeks thinking I was controlling everything but no, I'm not. I'm pathetic and I failed once again.

I really don't want to go to NA again. I've been seeing both a therapist and a psychiatrist for months but I can't tell them about it. I mentioned it vaguely to my therapist a couple months ago and she said if I started using on a regular basis she wouldn't be able to see me anymore because 'I want to be having conversations with you, not the drug'. That made me feel horrible, like I was some sort of outcast. I don't have anyone in my life I can talk to about this either and I think if anyone here knew about it they wouldn't ever talk to me again.

 

[nervousone]

You need to identify the root issue of what makes you want to go out and get smacked. Once you have discovered this issue, you need to address it. Until this happens (if you are anything like me) you will likely have an on again/off again dope habit that will rule your life for a long time.

You need to get rid of any connects you have for dope. If you become weak and you know you are going to relapse it is better to take a couple pills then getting into the heroin scene again. Make a serious effort to separate yourself from anyone with a heroin connection or tie to the culture.

Outside that I can only wish you luck. You know what you are doing is leading down a slippery slope and you don't need me to explain that to you. You know you are not the exception to the rule who can use heroin from time to time while holding down a normal life.

Find what makes you happy in life outside and drugs and focus on that. The universe is a beautiful place and there is so much more to it than a tiny envelope of powder.

Physical and mental exercise will help aid you. Weight training, yoga, and or meditation are all things that may help you realize how valuable life truly is.

I wish you the best.

 

[joonya77]

Yeah Pagey. I know it's easy to say but hard to do. Stay away from this shit. My wife and I intended to dabble for 2-3 weeks, and spent the last 2-3 years trying to get off it. I'm on Day 4 without dope (suboxones) and am trying to stay positive. It can only end badly. Some people may seem like they can dabble, but its like sticking your head in and out of a lion's mouth over and over again. The lion's gonna bite you sooner or later. Good luck. I'm pullin for you.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

Pagey there's nothing wrong with getting help, messing up, relapsing, or admitting that you have a problem and can't handle certain drugs or that you easily get addicted to certain drugs. It does not make you a bad person, it doesn't mean you're a failure, and you're learning that you and opiates and benzos do not mix just like for myself alcohol and I don't mix.

Is it possible you could tell your therapist how you messed up? Or could you find a different one that specializes in addiction issues?

I know in your post in SLR how you said how you don't really talk to your dad, is there anyone in your family you do talk to who you can trust?

Or is there a way you can get to rehab or a treatment place so you can get off of opiates?

Good luck.

 

[amnesiaseizure]

These are good replies Pagey (gotta say your name piqued my interest ), please heed them as much as you're able. I was in a boat very similar looking to yours and i gotta tell you, it really does only get worse...while inadvertently feeling better for a while. Once I'd tried heroin and been using on and off for over a year i fell fully onto addiction with it. I remember the feeling of knowing just how bad things could get by going out to buy again and again but at tea same time knowin g that one more bag would just pit off the decision for a little longer.

This cycle keeps going till a) you stop, or b) you give up caring about making the decision and just use. Please make it 'option a' of you can Pagey.

I promise you that if there is any option OTHER than using heroin long term then it'll be the easier one. Maybe even allow yourself to talk to the Dr about medication while you get some psychological help from someone who doesn't mind if you use drugs of not? Whatever you do, it is SO SO worth spending time to get yourself the right support now before you get yourself a habit.

Good luck and fight hard!!

 

[VanWeyden]

Hey Pagey, similar spot for me. I was clean for eight months jan-aug, since then I relapsed three times, always a 3-5 consecutive days, and the intervals become shorter and shorter. I don't know how to deal with it exactly, fortunately I have an excellent support group I can talk this through with, but neither my therapist nor my psychiatrist know about it because of similar reasons. Thinking about christmas holidays makes me freak out so much, except last year I was on drugs all the time then.

I'm thinking about setting up some rules about when I have to tell it to my psychiatrist and possibly get into inpatient treatment again. Something like when the intervals become shorter than 10 days in between. I'm not sure whether this could become an excuse to use once I made it through day 10, but it's simply not worth discontinuing uni, risking my therapy (I waited 9 months for that) and some other things when I actually manage to get along more or less. Guess I'll go back on an antidepressant asap since I feel very undifferent about that.

 

[Foreigner]

I'm a firm believer in the idea that life will keep presenting you with challenges to trigger you to make the same mistake over and over again until you finally learn. For this reason I don't think you have done anything wrong and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You are doing powerful work, so try to re-frame your experience if you can. Where you are at right now is not going to last forever and this is a lesson in the making.

IMO your psychiatrist was a bit heartless to say that she wouldn't see you anymore because you are using. What kind of healer does that? It's like saying that your therapy is less genuine when you are using. Okay, maybe for some people that's true, but wtf? Maybe if you were on a drug of her choosing, she would be more lenient? If she really turns you away when you need her most then she is partly responsible if you go off the deep end, at least morally/ethically. I would find another therapist if it's within your current will power to do so.

Good luck and please keep us all in the loop here. You're not alone!!

 

[Pagey]

Thanks a lot for all the answers, I really really appreciate it.
nervousone - I definitely know what the root issue is and have known ever since I started taking drugs for self-medication really, but it's just I've got no idea how to resolve it and well drugs are all that have worked for now. I've really tried addressing it but just kept failing so I guess this is my way of giving up. I'll try to go back to focusing on things that used to make me happy.
joonya - yup, everywhere on BL I saw people say it would end like that but kept thinking I would be the exception, like everyone I guess.
Priest - I wish I could tell my therapist but considering what she said last time about discontinuing my treatment if I got on drugs, I dunno if I should. It would be great if I could get another one specializing in addiction issues but the problem is I've been seeing the uni therapist, so the sessions are free - and I definitely can't afford to pay for one, nor can I ask my parents to. Same for rehab. There really isn't anyone at all in my family I can talk to about this, not even in my group of friends.
amnesiaseizure - thanks. I do know that I should stop while I still can without too much difficulty but that's what I hate the most, I know it but I'm just not doing it. I've been trying to find a concrete reason to convince myself to stop but I just haven't found anything yet
VanWeyden - I'm sorry to hear that and I really hope things'll get better soon. You were clean for eight months, I'm sure you can do it again!
Foreigner - yeah, I agree. It made me really angry and was also a bit hurtful when she said that. I mean when I have drug problems is exactly when I need therapy the most and I found what she said really callous considering I was literally pleading for help when I said it. As I said to Priest though, this is the uni therapist I'm seeing so sessions are free and I just can't afford to see another one and there's no one who could pay for the sessions for me, so I think I'm stuck with her

Thanks again

 

[Jean-Paul]

it sounds like a dual diagnosis counselor would be best for you. you could maybe find one free of charge, but possibly not outside of at least an outpatient rehab.

 

[parachuteantics]

What is one of your ultimate goals or dreams? I was in a huge rut with drugs and in a terrible relationship - then I was broken up with and left to the curb, failing school, gained a lot of weight, depressed, unhappy. I told my important family members everything and they helped me and encouraged me, friends and family can be very helpful and supportive of a new transition in your life.

Anyway, I already had anxiety and I found something that changed my outlook on everything - I wanted to be a dj/producer. I saved my money for DJing equipment instead of drugs and bought one of my first pieces of equipment. It was a such an acomplishment! I took money from what could have been used for drugs and used it to head towards a personal goal. Sure, I understand I might not ever make it in music but it's a hell of a lot better feeling like crap, doing drugs, wasting money etc. I guess my advice is follow something you are passionate about - and it helps elevate some of that anxiety/use of drugs.

 

[Pagey]

it sounds like a dual diagnosis counselor would be best for you. you could maybe find one free of charge, but possibly not outside of at least an outpatient rehab.

Yeah that would be good, I'll definitely try to find one free of charge but if I'll have to pay I really won't be able to.

What is one of your ultimate goals or dreams? I was in a huge rut with drugs and in a terrible relationship - then I was broken up with and left to the curb, failing school, gained a lot of weight, depressed, unhappy. I told my important family members everything and they helped me and encouraged me, friends and family can be very helpful and supportive of a new transition in your life.

Anyway, I already had anxiety and I found something that changed my outlook on everything - I wanted to be a dj/producer. I saved my money for DJing equipment instead of drugs and bought one of my first pieces of equipment. It was a such an acomplishment! I took money from what could have been used for drugs and used it to head towards a personal goal. Sure, I understand I might not ever make it in music but it's a hell of a lot better feeling like crap, doing drugs, wasting money etc. I guess my advice is follow something you are passionate about - and it helps elevate some of that anxiety/use of drugs.

That's great you were able to follow in a path you're passionate about rather than continue with drugs. My biggest dream is to be a (successful) author but unfortunately I find drugs actually help me write and it's not as if I needed the extra money for that...but I do know that in the end they'll just drain me of everything if I continue down this road and I won't be able to really write anymore. I'll try to focus on that.

 

[amnesiaseizure]

Morning Pagey! Those "concrete reasons to stop" won't be obvious at the present time. They'll be things like choosing between food or a bag, whether to re use the pin you've already used 5 times, using the same infected vein again or digging around for one you can't see etc etc. Sounds a bit much but you'd be amazed at how quick it goes.

I don't mean to sound alarmist or overly critical, how could i be?? I just hope you get talking to someone about why you're pushing your own limits so far at present. Seriously, even when all that shit was happening to me i still made the decision to use time and time again so it really does just get harder. But then maybe you want harder?...

 

[cook]

Sounds very familiar, especially that issue with your therapist, I have had the same problem. You know, opiates especially are the kind of drugs that freeze your emotions and psychological growth for the time being, which is the reason why most therapist refuse to deal with people that turn in to drugs. It's up to the therapists patience whether your sessions will end if you bring that up again, I would suggest not because it's just pushing it. The therapists feel that his/her work with you goes down the drain when you do that, that's why they tend to be very sensitive regarding drug use (especially opioids). And of course you take yourself down the drain also, as you already know. But I think it is a very personal offense for the therapist also when you do that, not only professionally. You have other issues besides your addiction, and the other issues cannot be treated when the addiction is masking them. That's just the way it is, unfortunately. This is all based my personal experience with long term psychotherapy and opiate addiction.

You should turn to another party for addiction issues if possible, that's what I've done and it has helped me a bit. I know it kind of sucks to go multiple places, but that's just the way it needs to be if you are not able to control your use on your own.

 

[T. Calderone]

Pagey, when I was in the midst of my opiate addiction I saw a great therapist. She didn't talk down to me, as she was a recovering addict as well. I just wasn't ready and it's awful what happened in my life since then. I had a great job, always had money but the drugs controlled me in a way I could have never anticipated. I know you don't want to go to NA and have limited funds. But you need to seek a better therapist who's experienced in substance abuse.

I got to the point where my main concern was using oxys every day. It's the only way I felt "normal" but overdoing them, I found myself more drug sick then high. Not showing up for work or caring for myself. Needless to say I lost everything. Three years later, I'm still trying to pick up the pieces. Now my son is struggling with substance abuse and I have no-one to blame but myself. I think you have such a bright future ahead of you. You're pretty, and smart and could have the world by the ass. Don't do what I have done and get some help. I'm always here for you!

 

[paranoid android]

Pagey you already know my whole stance on the thing as i think Ive told you a few times. But honestly it is shocking how close to me you sound in that heroin is the only thing keeping you going and the only reason you get out of bed. I feel the exact same way just swap morphine or hydromorphone for heroin. It isn't the only thing keeping me going (that is mostly spite and the fact that i don't want to die just yet anyhow) but it is the reason i get up out of bed most mornings. I have absolutely nothing else to get up for. All to frequently people think that the drugs themselves are the cause of this but it sounds like in your case and as somewhat in mine that there certainly are pre existing problems that drove you to not only do heroin in the first place but keep doing it.

Really all i can say is what i have already said which is stop now while your ahead and try and get some help other then opiates for your problems. Heroin and opiates in general don't get any more magical the longer you use them. Once you get hooked you won't be waking up because of heroin but rather because your too sick to lay in bed and you have to get up and get some or your going to get even more sick

Take care of yourself and I'll talk to you later on okay

 

[Thou]

You're in my thoughts constantly and your well-being is very important to me.

Let me know if you ever need a talk - you know where to find me.

 

[Stevenski]

All to frequently people think that the drugs themselves are the cause of this but it sounds like in your case and as somewhat in mine that there certainly are pre existing problems that drove you to not only do heroin in the first place but keep doing it.

Drugs are just one of many methods of delivery to deal with deep seated problems. Masking the symptoms rather than dealing with the root cause however painful that may be. It is what we do as addicts of one form or another & however bad addiction can get it is bearable compared to confronting what has driven you to that point.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

I'm a firm believer in the idea that life will keep presenting you with challenges to trigger you to make the same mistake over and over again until you finally learn. For this reason I don't think you have done anything wrong and you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. You are doing powerful work, so try to re-frame your experience if you can. Where you are at right now is not going to last forever and this is a lesson in the making.

Good luck and please keep us all in the loop here. You're not alone!!

Quoted for truth.

 

[motherofearth]

Please don't let yourself feel pathetic. Heroin is a very powerful drug; it is quite easy for the uninitiated to feel they will circumvent addiction - even if you've had experience w/ oxys etc.

If you want to continue therapy, and it is at all possible, I think you should switch therapists. In effect, your therapist has stonewalled your drug issues. If they're unwilling to assist you where you need it I think it would be a good idea to move on.

I can relate a lot to feeling like heroin is the only solace in life. But as I've gone on under this impression I've come to realize I've likely missed many opportunities to find other healthy alcoves of reprieve and pleasure in life, b/c when you're on smack why would you need to look any further. I'll take it to enhance my night out w/ people and be completely nonplussed by my peers and any and all activities going on - much like you mentioned, I'm just waiting to get back to my bag.

But more than anything, I think you need to avoid condemning yourself for succumbing to heroin abuse. It really is a trifling motherfucker.

 

[Cohesion]

Sorry to hear this Pagey

It sounds like you are willing to do some work and find ways to change your thinking/behavior... So therapy will still be beneficial to you but maybe not your current therapist? You should be able to switch therapists in the Uni. It's a little uncomfortable to ask for a switch but I've done it and it's not a big deal. If the relationship isn't therapeutic then that's enough. We all grow & change, including our relationships.

Therapy is hard work. I'm getting ready to start again. Best to you love.