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huge friendship issue with 2 mates

floatingaround

floatingaround

Bluelighter
Joined
Jul 15, 2012
Messages
625
Location
NSW
Note- keep in mind i have a social anxiety dissorder and generelized anxiety and depression.

So I posted up here a while ago in regards to a female friend I liked more then she liked me.

The issue at the time was that she liked my other best mate(mich) but he lived out of the state. Becaused I liked my friend (kath) it was hard to keep hanging out with her and speaking to her as id get all these anxious/jelous thoughts etc. I stopped speaking to her as I knew it was the best thing to do at the time and you all agreed on here. After a month or so we started speaking again, and probabaly became even closer friends in the months after we stopped contact.

So everything has been alright up untill the past couple of weeks. My best mate mich has now moved back to sydney and this is the big problem I have(i should mention ive had an anxiety attack over this situation thinking about seeing both of them in public). I should probabaly also mention that mich and kath both know my thoughts on kath, and this whole situation and kath after i told her not to tell mich told him that I have a fucking anxiety attack(not happy about that at all as i trusted her) We went to a party the other friday with mich and kath. They ended up fucking etc, knew it was going to happen no real drama's. The next day i hung out with them again after seeing hickies on kaths neck. It was probabaly the most awkawrd, anxious and depressed ive felt in public and couldnt do it again with those two. Everyone I was with knew how pissy and depresed i was by the look on my face, not from what had happend the night before.

So basically im in a fucked situation were my best mates are now together and we all hang out in the same social group. All i can feel is to stop contact with kath and possible mich as this whole sitatution is overwhelming me with anxiety and depression and effects me highly 24/7. I feel that now michs down ive been pushed away and rejected as mich is her 'new boy' so to speak. It shits me eh.

I guess im asking what you guys would do in my situation or a similar situation?. I know for my own health i need to cut contact, it just means at the same time im gonna have huge anxietys and troubles in seeing my old mates as this group i hang in is always together. Not worrying about it is not an option, my anxietys controll the way I feel and i really have lost all control of my thoughts from using to many drugs in earlier years.

Thanks for any responses, i needed to vent this out.
 
Therapists can be very helpful, I second that thought.

Don't you have any other friends? Hang out with them more often. Stop going to the same places those two are going.
It can be tough, but you can do it! Get out there, keep yourself distracted and busy.
 
Being the third wheel is not an enjoyable phenomenon for most, and understandably so. It makes sense that seeing two people happy together, when you're already feeling down will serve only to make you feel worse.

The best advice I can offer is focus less on them, and more on yourself, and what you can do to make you happier. Sometimes it is very important to put yourself first. Also bear in mind that when a friend is in a fairly new relationship they do generally become distant for a time. That passes with time, so don't write them off as friends all together.

Total agreement with what others are saying as well about seeking counseling, it can be a great help. I too suffer from bad anxiety, and know what a total bitch it can be. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to drop a PM.
 
bronson said:
Being the third wheel is not an enjoyable phenomenon for most, and understandably so. It makes sense that seeing two people happy together, when you're already feeling down will serve only to make you feel worse.

The best advice I can offer is focus less on them, and more on yourself, and what you can do to make you happier. Sometimes it is very important to put yourself first. Also bear in mind that when a friend is in a fairly new relationship they do generally become distant for a time. That passes with time, so don't write them off as friends all together.

Total agreement with what others are saying as well about seeking counseling, it can be a great help. I too suffer from bad anxiety, and know what a total bitch it can be. If you need someone to talk to, feel free to drop a PM.
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Thanks bronson appreciate it. Im being refered to a psychiatrist at this moment.
 
It's totally normal to feel depressed and anxious when you like a girl and she's with your friend. If this is the main thing causing your anxiety and depression you don't need a psychiatrist. All it means is that you're human.

I've been in a situation kinda like this. It fucking sucked. The only thing you can do is stay faaaaaaaar away.
 
Ah I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, that really sucks :( but I agree that the best course of action is definitely to try and avoid seeing both of them for now, even though it might be difficult - you do know it's the easiest way to get over her. Can you maybe try explaining to your other mates why you're not really comfortable around the two of them anymore but you'd still like to see the rest of them seperately? I'm sure they'd understand.
 
Appreciate the replys guys. Yeah it's tough. I stayed away from usual group this weekend and have my mates really wanted to see me next weekend now. I think a few people already see why i havnt been hanging out there. Most of my mates know I had feelings for this chick.
 
So a few weeks after making this post things have been stressfull. A lot of my mates are saying I've become a stranger by not coming out at all . Ah I hate this situation, the amount of times I've said to this chick Kaite that I have to stop speaking to her then basically start speaking again soon after I'd just getting sad and pathetic and this anxiety fully controls my mood some days.

I've been meaning to ask this as well. Before my "mate" Michael moved back down he said to me online (after I found out him and Kaite liked each other) that he's never lost a friend due to females and he wasn't about to. Well he moved back, is now fucking her and he knows the pain I go through, yet After saying he wouldn't lose a mate over a female he basically had the chance to do that but didn't, to me a best mate wouldn't put another through that, and that's the same for Kaite. Does that make sense to others or am I thinking selfishly? Bluelight seems to be what
 
In my opinion it's a really tough grey area, because as much as it sucks, your friend can't control his feeling for someone to any greater degree than you or the next person can. It's just kinda human nature that attraction is the one emotion we have the least amount of control over.

I know situations like this can really leave a void in you for a long time, as I've had the misfortune of being through them too. And no you're not being selfish, but he isn't either when you stop to reason it out.

Just hang in there. Things do eventually get better.
 
So I thought I'd update. I've explained to my mates how I can't hang around them while that other dickhead is around nd it's all good. The issue is now is that I've made my mind up I'm defiantly going to stop speaking to this girl as I'm just caught up in the cycle where I feel happy at one point, but more then often I'm left pissed, off, angry, depressed which just makes more probes really.

My question is this. Do I tell this girl were to stop talking, like along the lines of a message "we'll speak in the future" or should I just not respond to her and not say anything and let her get the message herself. She emailed me tonight saying she feels I don't want her to hang around anymore so she's not dumb. I'm feeling to email her and say well talk in the future, but I also want to say " if your in an emergency let me know" as there have been a few times when she's gone out and hasn't had a place to stay legitimately so I let her crash at mine. Lol I know that last line must seem pret obvious, but I do still care for her a friend, that's just the problem as I maintain these fucked up thoughts no emotions and it makes me hate life.

Thanks bluelight your all a huge help!
 
You have a crush on this woman there is nothing wrong with being attracted to your friend. You just need to figure out a way to deal with the fact that it is not reciprocated. Clearly she is a good friend as she still wants to see you as a friend. They have not done anything wrong as she was not your girlfriend so he did not "steal" her from you if you know what I mean.

I suggest you send her an email being honest & telling her that you have feelings for her & you understand that it is not mutual. However you need time to process it & until you have it is best not to see each other. Tell her you value her friendship & maybe in time you can be happy for both of them as difficult as it sounds right now.

This is on the proviso that she is not the type of malicious cunt who would post an email you send her on Facebook of course.
 
Thanks for the update OP, I'm glad to hear you seem to have made the right decisions and that your friends understand the situation :) as for the girl yes, I would be honest with her and tell her what's going on, or at least truthfully explain that you're not going to be talking to her much anymore, at the moment at least. I think it's better to get things out in the open and make sure everything's clear, plus it's just not cool for her to not know why you're suddenly ignoring her - one of my friends suddenly started doing that to me a few weeks back without explaining why and it was very hurtful. Best of luck!
 
Stevenski said:
You have a crush on this woman there is nothing wrong with being attracted to your friend. You just need to figure out a way to deal with the fact that it is not reciprocated. Clearly she is a good friend as she still wants to see you as a friend. They have not done anything wrong as she was not your girlfriend so he did not "steal" her from you if you know what I mean.

I suggest you send her an email being honest & telling her that you have feelings for her & you understand that it is not mutual. However you need time to process it & until you have it is best not to see each other. Tell her you value her friendship & maybe in time you can be happy for both of them as difficult as it sounds right now.

This is on the proviso that she is not the type of malicious cunt who would post an email you send her on Facebook of course.
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Thanks for the reply man. It's more like she only comes down to this area now to see him, I dunno it's hard to explain. I have a lot of hate towards this old mate as well due to him sleeping with some other chick recently( who was my mates ex who he still liked In his fucking room at his house) that's a huge dog move. He only thinks about himself, he's a greedy, selfish scumbag.
 
Pagey said:
Thanks for the update OP, I'm glad to hear you seem to have made the right decisions and that your friends understand the situation :) as for the girl yes, I would be honest with her and tell her what's going on, or at least truthfully explain that you're not going to be talking to her much anymore, at the moment at least. I think it's better to get things out in the open and make sure everything's clear, plus it's just not cool for her to not know why you're suddenly ignoring her - one of my friends suddenly started doing that to me a few weeks back without explaining why and it was very hurtful. Best of luck!
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appreciate the reply pagey, I enjoy your posts. I emailed her this morning and that's that! Hopefully ill be on my way to happier life now !
 
floatingaround said:
Thanks for the reply man. It's more like she only comes down to this area now to see him, I dunno it's hard to explain. I have a lot of hate towards this old mate as well due to him sleeping with some other chick recently( who was my mates ex who he still liked In his fucking room at his house) that's a huge dog move. He only thinks about himself, he's a greedy, selfish scumbag.
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Your "mate" sounds like a dog if he has form. If that happened when I grew up he would get a striping for his trouble most likely. In no way am I suggesting you do anything like that though. Just phase the cunt out of your life.
 
Stevenski said:
Your "mate" sounds like a dog if he has form. If that happened when I grew up he would get a striping for his trouble most likely. In no way am I suggesting you do anything like that though. Just phase the cunt out of your life.
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Yeh and he doesn't even see the issue. The thing that shits me also if he's basically homeless and this best mate whose ex he fucked lets him stay at his like its no issue.

Anyway there both out of my life now!
 
Update since all this happend. Stopped speaking to both of them for a while, completely out of my life. Although last week this guy mike who used to be my mate bottled a train driver and is now locked up for a good few months at least.

Kaite messages me last week as she heaps depressed and not many people apart from mike know her like I do. I messaged back and I basically cracked at that point, really missed speaking to her and said we will hang out soon.come New Years even text her and see what she's doing and in the end get her to come out. We ended up going to this big party and had a good time, then she came back to my place and stayed the night and we had good chats about things and had more drinks, it was really good.

Anyway come about 5pm the next afternoon she says shes going to go soon(I should mention I was drinking bourbons by this stage) and I felt my heart just drop, silly as it sounds I knew at that stage we could not hang out again as I'm soo deeply in love with this girl still it tears me apart that she is my best friend, and I really miss hanging with her, being there for her when she needs things, but it creates so much pain I have to stay away, which I have always known. She knows exactly how i feel aswell, and texted her last night saying ' i really miss hanging out with you man, but its still creating so much pain for me' she replied saying i know man.It's fucking tough.

I just wish things were easier, just wanted to get that out. End rants
 
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