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Vent/Rant Thread vs. 2 (POTENTIALLY TRIGGERING)

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So crap right now. Working every day to occupy myself during daylight hours. Work is awesome getting to hang out with friends, but even pretending to be happy and well is a bad enough struggle that even though I would love to be able to hang out with everyone for a beer afterwards....I bolt right away just to go away and be alone and truly allow myself to feel miserable...which is getting pretty unbearable. I don't want to use my friends as a distraction, especially since I usually can't manage to pretend all's well for very long after we have a drink or two. I keep coming home and just waiting to go to sleep...waiting to pass out and have a few hours of easy unconsciousness. Telling myself it'll be better tomorrow. Tomorrow keeps coming and nothing's getting better. Weight on my shoulder of thinking about tomorrow, next week, next month....I have no drive to keep this up. And I don't know how to even talk to my friends about it because somehow I've managed to function well enough during the day that they tell me I'm doing so much better this year. I can see the relief in their eyes when they say this...know how much it frustrated them that they couldn't fix me. It shocks me to hear them say this because I feel like I'm doing so so so much worse. Looking back on all the things I tried within the past 2 years to make positive change and seeing and feeling that it did nothing. I just can't seem to find the energy to keep trying because at the end of the day this fucking depression hurts so goddamned much. My whole body hurts with tenseness....curling up and crying is the only thing that feels natural and it offers no relief. Completely out of motivation to keep trying
 
today a girl i like quite a bit admitted to me that she's more attracted to people with money

the idea that a girl might like me just because i can buy shit for her really makes me NOT want to succeed in life.
 
^ yeah, that is ridiculous. She might as well have said," I don't even care about people, just money". How shallow can you get? I would imagine that inside she is a pretty lonely person.
 
i am stressed about school i have these big projects and i get so anxious i cant even start them and i am having trouble concentrating without my add meds cuz i stopped taking em cuz of being pregnant
 
tackyspiral said:
i am stressed about school i have these big projects and i get so anxious i cant even start them and i am having trouble concentrating without my add meds cuz i stopped taking em cuz of being pregnant
Click to expand...

School IS stressful anyway but especially with being pregnant; of course you need to limit this stress, is there someone at school that you can talk to about your predicament? If you need help with it/time off/support-of course you deserve to get it hun. Get the help you need with getting through school. You need to be looking after your own and the baby's welfare now- dont hesitate in getting that, I rekon that most professional authorities will support you in that. I hope so anyway.
Also, check with your Doc or school Med service about what to do with regard to managing your ADD symptoms.
Let us know how you get on? <3
 
insurance company owes me a bunch of loot. they agreed to pay me on august 27th. calendar says november. no money. they're crying about how they were affected by hurricane sandy. forgive me for being cynical but the hurricane was 2 months after they were supposed to start paying me.

don't these fools know i want to see the grand canyon?
 
michael said:
insurance company owes me a bunch of loot. they agreed to pay me on august 27th. calendar says november. no money. they're crying about how they were affected by hurricane sandy. forgive me for being cynical but the hurricane was 2 months after they were supposed to start paying me.

don't these fools know i want to see the grand canyon?
Click to expand...

charge them interest.
 
All I want to do is call tonight the night. I have no desire to do this anymore. I know it won't happen. I know I'll fucking fall asleep eventually or I'll stay awake to see the sunrise and feel the pangs of responsibility..shower, go to work...do it all again. But I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to look at tomorrow and feel like it'll be any different.
 
well, unless i have a check in hand tomorrow (i won't) we file a penalty petition with the court. penalty, in this case, is plus 50% (plus associated legal fees).

my lawyer is of the opinion that they are willing to pay the penalty just to be dicks. i find this supremely depressing on a very deep level.
 
Why the fuck is it that the ones who are closest to you and are family end up hurting you the most in the end? I have seriously never been insulted and driven as mad by strangers or even friends as the ones that profess to love me when noone else does! I have to get out of this house and preferably out of this province and hopefully out of the country altogether. I want to forget everyone i know here besides my mom who i have no other choice but to keep in contact with.

Ive thought of suicide many nights this past year many a long fucking night. But Ive realized that i don't want to die at all i just want certain aspects of my life to die a merciful and long overdo death.

I simply want my past to disappear like yesterdays sunset.
 
Fucking hell, I'm so paranoid. Either my housemate is fucking with me by misplacing my things/ turning my things off, or I'm going fucking crazy? :| I probably shouldn't of sent her a text asking her, she IS going to think Im on a complete bender/ going nuts.. but god damn, this shit is too weird!! :s This is not fucking cool at this time, I need to be in a class at 9am. I need my attendence to be 100% for the rest of term, or I risk getting kicked out of uni. What the fuck do I do? I don't think I can sit in a class for 2 hours, I just don't feel right at all..

And this is why I am such a fuck up. This same fucking cycle keeps repeating itself, over and over. The cycle of failure.
-
I just phoned up this drug misuse place for an appointment, guess it's time to deal with this.
 
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I want to fucking scream. I have a major paper due today and now that I finished my Internet is down so I cannot freaking turn it in. I'm vehicle less too at the moment so I have no way of getting to a place with wifi. I'm really hoping this sorts itself out soon or I'll be severely fucked. I fucking hate Charter Internet. :X
 
Crisis averted. I fixed the Interwebs and submitted my paper. *breathes a huge sigh of relief*

I still hate charter though. ;)
 
I am so FUCKING sick of being woken up at 7 fucking am every single morning because they couldn't be fucking bothered to install plumbing good enough that there wouldn't be a tapping sound going on in the walls for about 18 hours every day and I am so fucking tired of being allowed about 5 hours sleep a night because of it. for fuck's sake
 
I don't know how far I will get into this rant or how elaborate it will be, but I gotta get some catharsis right now somehow and chain smoking at 2:30 am doesn't seem to alleviate my discomfort.

I'm 'nsfw' tagging the first segment b/c it seems trite; I just wanted to release it somewhere for introspective purposes.

NSFW:
I've been hanging out amongst a network of anarcho communes (more-or-less) for the past five years. Largely, I get along w/ the ostensible transient households, despite often carrying (humbly I try) political opinions varying from theirs to different degrees. Recently, my childhood best friend moved into one such house after his release from over a one year prison sentence for heroin possession. Sadly, before I visited the house to introduce myself my outrageous reputation as a drunk troublemaker and addict preceded me. This created apprehension among many of the soft-spoken docile household. For this I can not blame them, unfortunate as it may be. Yet, after my expressed effort to quit drinking, as well as an assurance I would not drink there, they relented to my presence. Over the last few weeks I've gained the amicable acquaintanceship, if not affections, of the household. Tonight, most of this given household was present at a party at a different haus. None of them greeted me or acknowledged me (w/ the exception of my old friend, albeit a very nominal and nodding grunt of a welcome due to severe intoxication). Granted, their time there very merely overlapped w/ mine, it almost seems like they made a concerted effort to not address me. I was under the influence of heroin as well, so perhaps they noticed this, or they simply needed to move on quickly. I'm just a little saddened b/c I like a lot of these people and I've even helped them w/ some of the benefit and community-based actions they are taking (all innocuous stuff ie helping the homeless - rewarding unto itself, of course). I didn't feel indignant or snubbed; just a little hurt no one said hello. This is a silly rant and I probably shouldn't of made it.


At the same party (mentioned in the tagged portion above) things were going fine. That is, until I encountered an old friend of mine. I've known this guy "D" since 2001, we've never been very close, nonetheless I've considered him a fun, insightful, and enjoyable presence.... someone's company I enjoy periodically. We've never had each others numbers or the like.

From the instant I greeted him it was apparent he was intoxicated and bothered. Shortly after we met in a group of people he indicated he needed to speak w/ me privately. Before we were afforded any privacy he already demonstrated he was irked w/ me by making some snarky comments. We separated from the party and walked to get cigarettes, where along the way he proceeded to bring to light his grievance: according to him, roughly four years ago, I dismissed a topic he brought to me (one which he can't recall), and after told him "I can dance around your intellect." Now I have zero memory of this utterance, or any like remark. My first reaction was to believe him, however I suggested I was intoxicated at the time of the insult, and hence couldn't remember it. I have a fairly sharp memory for biting assertions I make sober (an easy attribute given I make so few of them). Now drunk? That is very different, and, I'm embarrassed to admit, it totally plausible I allowed an insensitivity as that leave my lips. But he insisted I was sober and nonchalantly said these words verbatim. As I tried to grasp at this he became frustrated, even venturing to mutter something about slamming my head into a wall. While he was drunk to the extent he would fail in any such effort, I wasn't excited to see the prospect tested as the man has over one hundred lbs and a half foot on me. I quickly made issue of this and let him know I wanted to understand him, but we would go no further if there was any further insinuation of violence. He then launched into a speech I've heard often from my father concerning how I maneuver about allegations w/ rhetoric. This effectively (at least for him) shut down any reasoning w/ him, and significantly hindered my ability to ask questions and understand what the fuck he was remembering.

I believe I did inflict some insensitivity to this distant friend of mine, but he was so inconsistent in his accusations, and so unwilling to elaborate on how I hurt him four years ago, and what, if anything, I could do to make amends. He claims to reach out to me thoroughly and frequently and that I "shit" on him. The implication was I treat him in a sub-par manner. Also, he stated how he looked/looks up to me, but presented this as some sort of leverage against me - ie he looks up to me based on these idealized notions of my life and bases more than a few expectations on me. The entire exchange lasted for a half hour before I was able to calm him and appeal to him to speak w/ me tomorrow when he's sober.

I don't mean to be overly sensitive, but this came completely from left field. If I wronged him four years ago he has resented me for all that time, said nothing of it, and feigned to enjoy all subsequent time w/ me until now. I am genuinely concerned I did something wrong to the guy, but I hate to say it, part of me is skeptical; I don't know what is going on here, and I'm bothered at being genuinely confused. Moreover, removed from the intensity of the situation and the potential of violence, I am getting more upset w/ D for threatening me w/ a fight, but also saying a number of hurtful, really hurtful things to me.

Well, I hope this is appropriate for the vent/rant thread, b/c (hopefully) it will be as close to either I have....

 
My roommate has four dogs. I'm still without mine, and michael - I hear you about the lawyers. I'm not allowed to talk about my beloved husky beyond that she'd be better off with me. Of the four dogs, three are elderly pugs. All four are food-aggressive. We cannot even go to the refrigerator to get a soda without this gang of four.

They're sweet dogs to me when I am alone with them. But they get fed people food!!! The three pugs are obese. They should be on a strictly controlled diet, on paper, they are. They act like jackasses when my roommate feeds them people food, which I do not. I am a husky enthusiast, and my husky loves people food. She also needs to keep her high-protein diet so she can pull a sled with a payload of about 180 lbs - I'm 130 of that. My dog can weigh between 40-50 lbs. The three pugs? They're at 30 lbs apiece and are 1/3 her length! It's because they get people food.

The fourth dog is a French bulldog. He's adorable.

My roommate had bariatric (stomach band) surgery and she feeds everything her stomach can't hold to these fuckers. How about to me instead?! They wake her up in the middle of the night. I'm on the opposite end of the house, I still hear these jerks woofing at every noise. My husky and her husky/malamute friends would not dream of doing that. And did I mention these dogs have hip dysplasia, tear up books, and are destructive? A spray bottle has done little. I just let them into the backyard to run it off. We have a great fence and a big yard. This does precisely jack shit fuck all. Did I mention, also, that their dysplastic hips makes them not know when they are shitting, so they spray shit wherever they go? They're not allowed in my bedroom or my office because they will spray disgusting dog diarrhea everywhere.

Ill-behaved pets get a thumbs down. No treats, just food. I'm in charge when my roommate is in Seattle after Thanksgiving, and those fuckers are going to run with me outside. My roommate sleeps with all four of these idiot dogs and she deserves to have her own life. I love the dogs. I see them becoming more grossly obese and more aggressive toward food. The pugs are around 9 years old. One is on Prozac and is stunned all the time. I really want my roommate to have her own life, to date, to not worry about these fools. She doesn't even sleep in her own bed because the dogs cover her. I'm exhausted at the way they walk all over her, so I'm hopeful she'll get her life back after the pooches go to Mariposa's boot camp. I've got a Radio Flyer for the dogs for the holidays and I made a track around the yard. It's time these dogs make themselves useful.
 
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