I have one dose left right now. I cannot sleep and though I'm not in WDs yet, I know that doing that dose would put my mind at ease and my body into a place where it can drift off to sleep. But that means that I won't be able to wake up tomorrow with the luxury of having a morning dose all ready for me. Because we all know that there's nothing better than waking up to the strange occurrence that there is a nice dose waiting there for ya. I wouldn't even have to get out of bed to do it. I do, however, know that I have enough money to go and buy another gram tomorrow as soon as I can line it up. I thought I was going to be just a bit short. But then I found the money to cover it, so making the deal happen tomorrow won't be an issue, at least not financially. I mean sure, he'd probably let me buy a half, but I alway like to at least make it a gram to be as good of a customer as possible. Sure, I'm enabling myself thinking that way, I'll admit it. Anyway, it's past four in the morning and I'd do the deal just after noon, so if I did this last dose to help me get to bed, it's not like I'd even be sick before I'd have that next bag in my possession. That next bag, which is going to be my last because I need to once again get my system clean for next Friday. So I will get that last gram tomorrow and do a rapid taper with it across tomorrow, Friday and Saturday morning. I'm kidding nobody, I'll still feel a WD from that type of detox, but I think I'll be able to time the sleeping right to get me about to the 36 hour point before I really feel like I'm doing battle, and my diet will be better this time around as well. I wish I could take the Suboxone I have, as even one 8mg dose would make this taper nearly painless. Alas, they will test for Suboxone and with its halflife as it is, I cannot get that help if I am using the dope as long as I possibly can. Like everytime. Fuck, I just got hit with the realisation that I am going to have to go through a few days of the sickness this weekend. Fuck, I swore last time that I'd spread those doses out in a way that I could dodge the physical part of it the next time I had to get my system clean, but as always I screwed up. And it's that PAWS that I really don't want to have to deal with. Those dreams I'm going to have as I try and sleep away as much of it as I can (and thank god that the WD is still bearable enough that sleeping part of it is possible). But ya, I don't want to have those dreams. And I don't want to deal with that apathy either. It's amazing how good I feel right now about my future goals, but how bleak and pointless everything will feel in just a few rotations of the clock, as my eyes will become wet not because of emotions but because of a process that also strips away my emotions entirely. I'll turn my phone off to the world and everyone will be offended once again when I go off the radar. But I won't care, because getting to that 100 hour mark clean is the only thing that will be on my mind. I'm sure that I'll plan everything perfect again this time - the food, the meds, the entertainment. And then I will follow almost none of it, and make the PAWS as painful as possible by lying in my bed doing nothing but thinking, worrying and being afraid for the brunt of it. A WD of just under two weeks of daily use is going to feel like a proper kick because I'm going to work it up that bad in my own mind. But anyway, back to that dose for tonight. Should I do it? I'll probably do it and still won't be able to sleep. Maybe I'll do it and stay up all night and morning doing pointless stuff in my bedroom, stay up until I can meet up with my dude for that last gram. I'd better wait until I get home to start on that last bag too, because I know if I stop somewhere and do some before I get home, I'll do way too much. Anyway, that's for tomorrow. Right now I think it's time to take that dose. My mind is flying with all of these thoughts, and that's the only thing that will calm it down. I hope it's big enough. There's never enough, I'm afraid. There's never enough...
