NASADD Social - bringing back oldskool bankai style

[tentram]

what's up wiggi?

 

[brutus]

Just got home from class. What about you?

 

[MemphisX3]

So me n the little lady have been having some problems lately

well who the hell am i kidding we have been having problems since we began having a relationship

as you all well know, initially in our relationship i was addicted to heroin, there was never supposed to actually be a relationship. she propositioned me for a one night stand and we clicked n there was a definate connection,

but my constant using, lying, lack of attention to her, only focusing on getting high and even actually saying i would choose heroin over her led to a break up that lasted less then 24 hours but was a long enough break up for her to fuck someone else

i didnt find out about it til months after the fact, like ~7 months or so, n despite how hurt i was i knew that i wanted to be with her because we had something special and real.

but unfortunately, i was never able to truly forgive her, and never truly able to trust her or get past the whole thing

and although at the time i thought i had forgiven her it has become apparent that i never truly did, as a result i treated her less then she deserved, she really was a great girl n i do believe she truly loved me, well its been just over a year since i found out about what happened yet i have still treated her less then she deserved. dont get me wrong there would be days when i was good to her, and i think over all i was pretty good to her but i definately know i could have and should have done things differently and treated her as well as i possibly could have

well things have gotten hectic the last week or so, we decided to spend less time with eachother last week, and that seemed to help alittle, it brought me to the realization that "Damn i have been so terrible to her" and so after a talk with an old trusted friend who called me out on the fact that i Had Not forgiven her i realised he was right, and i made an attempt to make things right

i was super nice and understanding and told her that i want her to be happy, with me or without me, (obviously i wanted her to be happy WITH me) and after me telling her i wanted her to take some time and decide if she wanted to be with me we decided that we would take a break.

mind you this previous week when we were also on a break but still sleeping next to eachother at night it was specifically mentiuoned that we would be sexually faithful to eachother, and last night when we determined we would take an actual break nothing was mentioned about sexual fidelity, and while the topic is disputed i believe it was specified that we would still be faithful yet she denies this (obviously i feel im right n i know my memory is shit but i truly believe in my heart of hearts she specified we would "be on a break were we would not sleep next to eachother but it would be the same as the previous week"

well tonight i got a hotel room (cuz i was too embarrassed/too much pride/dont want people IRL in my business) and i was bored as fuck so i went to one of the bars a few blocks from our apartment, i wasnt drinking i just am childhood friends with a barteneder there (guy who made me realise i hadnt forgiven her the previous night) and when i left i decided to go to the apartment n tell her i dont like the break and wanted to sleep at home in my own bed,

i get home and she is sleeping with a guy from work, i knew it would happen but i also knew my lack of trust was hurting the relationship so i wanted to trust her.

we are no longer together,

fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me

sucks cuz even despite all this i just wanna block it out n try n think it could work though i know it cant, WE ARE DONE. yet i feel so lonely, alone and sad and i wanna love her n want her love.

i dunno how many mgs deep of xanax i am and despite the xanax it doesnt seem to be working, i took as much as i had and i cant make myself passout

ill be moving my stuff out tommorrow and i just dont know what to do, im not necessarily lookin for advice tho i dont ever shun advice,

ive never been good with women, no one has really ever loved or cared about me accept my family (and her but i question how someone could hurt someone they 'LOVE' like that 2x, i know i pushed her, pushed her away n was a jerk but i was good to her at times too) and i feel pathetic in that i just want love

i just want to be loved. i had love n my ego my anger n my inability to forgive pushed it away.

i guess it was a good learning experience but i didnt want a learning experience, i wanted my fiancee to become my wife

i dont know what else to say

i dont know what else to do

i just dont know

i wanna be mean to her. but i also want to be nice cuz i know im partially to blame n i dont want her to look back on this as something that was a good thing.

i dont care bout anything any more

how much responsibility has SHE taken?

 

[HighonLife]

HoL, I'm here for you man. I was in a similar situation a few years ago with a girl that I was going to propose to and move 3 hours away just to go to college with her.

I'm not going to say any kind of bullshit like time heals all wounds because I still haven't forgotten about that. I caught my ex cheating on me with another girl, which I'm glad looking back at it because I have never been so angry in my entire life. I had a bad feeling that night and I thought she was cheating on me with a girl since she was bisexual, so I didn't grab my pistol before I left the house that night. IIRC I was sober at that time, so drugs were the only coping mechanism I had.

I wish I had some good advice to give you, but to be honest, after I caught her cheating on me was when I really went downhill in a hurry and I only remember bits and pieces from that time in my life.

no pistols in the house

he wouldnt even come dowwn stairs for the longest time, i told him t just leave cuz i had so many drugs in the house n even without the drugs i dont want the cops called, i try to make it sound like jail is no big deal but i hate it n refuse to go back

how much responsibility has SHE taken?

i dunno

 

[brutus]

^ So are you moving back home with your folks or kicking her cheating ass out?

 

[ohline]

i'm sorry things seem so shitty for you atm HoL..

i know you care about her but at the end of the day she's just a girl who's quite obviously not deserving of your loyalty.

we all fuck up and maybe treat those we love less than we think they may deserve (i've all but been called a monster for shit like that lately, myself).. that's still no excuse for turning around and pulling what she pulled. and if i remember correctly, she was a pretty major reason as to why you got clean from opiates. just don't be too hard on yourself.. it's things like this that remind me of why i think sometimes you gotta work on yourself before jumping into some kind of relationship which will essentially turn into a back-up addiction. look after yourself and try to be happy with who you are. otherwise you'll end up right back here.

if you ever need someone to talk to let me know. i'm pretty familiar with pushing people away, not because you don't want them there.. but because you're trying to protect yourself.




in other news, i'm upgrading my comp. to a gaming computer.. a learning computer..

fuck yer.

 

[RecklessWOT]

In other news, On the menu for the dinner I’m going to cook the boyfriend this weekend:

Crispy Rosemary Sriracha Yogurt Chicken
Butter & Brown Sugar Roasted Sweet Potatoes
Garlic & Parsley Buttermilk Biscuits
and for dessert possibly a Chocolate Eclair cake, but it’s TBD still.

I'm so classy.

Damn! Next time I come out there, make me this.


Hungry now.... fuck

When you come to Nh where do you go?

Usually southeastern, I know that's not really right near you. I have friends in the Manchester area, and a one or two near Nashua as well.
I actually plan on moving up there in the early summer. I want to go sooner, but I just started a new job so I can't exactly just take off, I'll need all the experience I can get if I want to get a job in the same field anywhere up there.

 

[RecklessWOT]

HoL, man I'm sorry to hear about all this. I'd like to be able to give some advice but I was in a similar situation once and I still haven't gotten over it many years later. To this day I haven't been able to let myself into a serious relationship and I push women away as a result. I am not one to speak on subjects that I don't know a solution to. Just be rational though. I almost did kill the other guy and it made things worse. Now that I think back about it, it wasn't his fault anyways, it was that bitch. Don't rely too heavily on drugs to cope though, if you cloud up your mind too much, sure you won't feel the pain but you won't be able to think about anything else good either. PM me or get my AIM from me if you ever want to talk more man. We really haven't talked much outside BL now that I think of it, but reading thru your posts over the years I feel like you and I are pretty similar. I hope shit works out for you the best way that it can and sorry for being useless to the whole situation, but then again realistically when is people's consolation ever any help anyways?

 

[tentram]

Just got home from class. What about you?

just got home from getting x-rays done on my thoracic area of the spine. gonna have a shot and smoke a few cones soon with a bit of val and chill.

in other news, i'm upgrading my comp. to a gaming computer.. a learning computer..

those new ipads for you autistic peeps are suave as, have fun learning! be patient with yourself, no more monster attacks.

 

[Welderman]

Tentram if you are looking for a baseball team to root for go for the Tigers.

 

[RecklessWOT]

So about 30 seconds ago I just got the strangest sensation of "huh, so this is what my life has turned into" and I actually for some reason I wasn't upset about it for the first time. Maybe it's the wine, lord knows I've got plenty of reason to be unhappy about it and I usually am, but god damn that takes so much energy.

GivesUpCaringAndJustTakesIt.jpg

How about that. Just felt like sharing.

 

[Johnny blue]

Go tigers indeed.

HoL, shit sucks but as fucked up as it sounds at least you know. You don't need that shit. A relationship takes two and if she felt that you should've been treating her better than she should've bounced. There's no justifying what she did so don't beat yourself up over what you could've changed. You weren't out looking for tail and she didn't cheat because of something that you did or didn't do so don't even believe that shit for a second.

Dude I've been everyone in this story. Even the guy afraid of getting shot or stabbed with no pants on. The whole thing sucks but, you were not the cause of it, she was.

 

[tentram]

i just smoked some hydroponically grown weed for the first time in at least a year. i was already on the verge of nodding face not long after my friend dropped around but we had a couple small cones each and it knocked us into oblivion. i started nodding after an hour or so trying to hold conversation between my mate and dad haha. my friend brought his e-cig over and we were passing that around like a joint, sampling the flavours/mixtures he's made himself; most of which were decent. i really dug the menthol flavour, i used to smoked menthol fags back in the day. the java flavour wasn't half bad either.

he just left so i'm finishing off my last 2 beers, probably eat 2 or 3 valium, have another bowl and likely crash out. i am maggoted.

bankai stylee.

i'll have to look into the detroit tigers and see if i like the looks of them. thanks for the suggestion, welderman.

 

[coelophysis]

So about 30 seconds ago I just got the strangest sensation of "huh, so this is what my life has turned into" and I actually for some reason I wasn't upset about it for the first time. Maybe it's the wine, lord knows I've got plenty of reason to be unhappy about it and I usually am, but god damn that takes so much energy.

GivesUpCaringAndJustTakesIt.jpg

How about that. Just felt like sharing.

"Wearing an olive drab
But feeling somehow inside opalescent
Wonder how I'm managing to smile oh
When I can't even pay my rent
Maybe it's because I've finally found
My little tulip my Norge dear
Funny how in spite of all my woes
Life can appear rosy and clear
Rosy and clear"

-OM~LB

 

[xxkcxx]

HoL, sorry about that shitty situation. I was thinking that perhaps she could be forgiven for the first one because I've been in a situation where a boyfriend was choosing heroin over me, and if the breakup conversation ended with him SAYING he chooses heroin over me, I would probably go fuck someone else too. Especially if it was really a break up. But this time, it appears you had an understanding that it was a break not a breakup, so I'm not sure that is so forgivable. Idk, man. Best of luck.


In other news, I'm off the next two days.

Thursday I have my meeting with the creditors for bankruptcy which means I am getting ever closer to having everything discharged. I'm so ready for this fucking process to be over.

 

[HighonLife]

I know it's hard but you need some time away from this. People who truly love one another don't treat each other that way. They don't spend their lives making their lovers pay for their sins. They forgive and communicate. They don't cheat and they are not cruel. Both of you need to take a step back. I will say, once on partner has cheated, it's pretty much impossible to get the trust back. I don't know how anyone actually gets over it. For me, it's a total dealbreaker and there is nothing to save in the relationship once infidelity occurs.

For you, are you in love with her or the idea of her? Is being in a toxic relationship (that is comfortable for you because it's what you know) less scary than being alone? This period of time is the hardest, when the wounds are fresh. Take some time to think about your life and where you want yo go. Do you want to spend your life unable to trust and taking your anger out on someone else? It's hard as fuck, but for your one sanity you need to figure out a way to let some of the anger go. I still don't have this mastered and I know how hard it is, I also know what happens when you hold on to it all.

Hang in there mayne. I truly believe that everything happens for a reason. Learn from your mistakes. Maybe this experience teaches you how to be the ultimate partner to the woman who is as good to you as you are to her. I know you talked about marriage in your post but it's way better that you know what you know now. Divorce is one of the most horrible things anyone can go through.

i definately dont wanna or like to be alone, being alone sucks

having said that, this girl despite her flaws is amazing, she was/is my savior, even if we dont get back tgether i wont go back to dope, I have no doubt in my mind tho how much i love her, and your right i should not have "made her pay for her sins" cuz i was hurt and angry n treated her poorly, just as she should not have fucked someone else cuz i was having trouble "living n let live"

^ So are you moving back home with your folks or kicking her cheating ass out?

unfortunately the apt is in her name, her parents were the csigners and i have no real claim to it, we always kept my name off the lease cuz its 75$ extra a month if there is a second person staying in a one bedroom, yea its fucked up but so are most of the leasing agreements around campus

i'm sorry things seem so shitty for you atm HoL..

i know you care about her but at the end of the day she's just a girl who's quite obviously not deserving of your loyalty.

we all fuck up and maybe treat those we love less than we think they may deserve (i've all but been called a monster for shit like that lately, myself).. that's still no excuse for turning around and pulling what she pulled. and if i remember correctly, she was a pretty major reason as to why you got clean from opiates. just don't be too hard on yourself.. it's things like this that remind me of why i think sometimes you gotta work on yourself before jumping into some kind of relationship which will essentially turn into a back-up addiction. look after yourself and try to be happy with who you are. otherwise you'll end up right back here.

if you ever need someone to talk to let me know. i'm pretty familiar with pushing people away, not because you don't want them there.. but because you're trying to protect yourself.




in other news, i'm upgrading my comp. to a gaming computer.. a learning computer..

fuck yer.

yea she may not bbe worthy of my loyalty to her, but for whatever reason she has my loyalty

yea she was a huge part of why i got clean, i do sometimes think of her as my savoir. perhaps she was pushing me away cuz she wanted to protect herself, that kinda shit is definately in her nature, doesnt make it hurt any less but also doesnt make me love her any less, just makes me more confused about what to do

HoL, man I'm sorry to hear about all this. I'd like to be able to give some advice but I was in a similar situation once and I still haven't gotten over it many years later. To this day I haven't been able to let myself into a serious relationship and I push women away as a result. I am not one to speak on subjects that I don't know a solution to. Just be rational though. I almost did kill the other guy and it made things worse. Now that I think back about it, it wasn't his fault anyways, it was that bitch. Don't rely too heavily on drugs to cope though, if you cloud up your mind too much, sure you won't feel the pain but you won't be able to think about anything else good either. PM me or get my AIM from me if you ever want to talk more man. We really haven't talked much outside BL now that I think of it, but reading thru your posts over the years I feel like you and I are pretty similar. I hope shit works out for you the best way that it can and sorry for being useless to the whole situation, but then again realistically when is people's consolation ever any help anyways?

im definately worried that if this is over for good that it will permanantly effect the way i deal with future relationships and my ability to fully commit to someone in the future

and that sucks, cuz i got a lot of love to give, i think of myself as a loving person and i wanna love and be loved

Go tigers indeed.

HoL, shit sucks but as fucked up as it sounds at least you know. You don't need that shit. A relationship takes two and if she felt that you should've been treating her better than she should've bounced. There's no justifying what she did so don't beat yourself up over what you could've changed. You weren't out looking for tail and she didn't cheat because of something that you did or didn't do so don't even believe that shit for a second.

Dude I've been everyone in this story. Even the guy afraid of getting shot or stabbed with no pants on. The whole thing sucks but, you were not the cause of it, she was.

yea i told her if she was so unhappy then why didnt she just break up with me, i mean it woulda sucked but its better then this alternative

HoL, sorry about that shitty situation. I was thinking that perhaps she could be forgiven for the first one because I've been in a situation where a boyfriend was choosing heroin over me, and if the breakup conversation ended with him SAYING he chooses heroin over me, I would probably go fuck someone else too. Especially if it was really a break up. But this time, it appears you had an understanding that it was a break not a breakup, so I'm not sure that is so forgivable. Idk, man. Best of luck.


In other news, I'm off the next two days.

Thursday I have my meeting with the creditors for bankruptcy which means I am getting ever closer to having everything discharged. I'm so ready for this fucking process to be over.

yea the 1st one was more easily fogivable tho its easy to say that now and unfortunatly i wasnt good at forgiving the 1st one


im chillin at the parents right now

glad i have family i can count on, but no matter how much i love them n how supportive they are it still sucks to be home under these circumstances

 

[Welderman]

Hol, remember that you quit dope for you and no one can take that away from you. I never know what to say so I'll just whish you the best of luck getting through this.

 

[purplefirefly]

Usually southeastern, I know that's not really right near you. I have friends in the Manchester area, and a one or two near Nashua as well.
I actually plan on moving up there in the early summer. I want to go sooner, but I just started a new job so I can't exactly just take off, I'll need all the experience I can get if I want to get a job in the same field anywhere up there.

Manchester and Nashua are about an hour and a half from me so not terribly far.

Nh is definitely a great state, take the plunge as soon as you can

 

[purplefirefly]

i definately dont wanna or like to be alone, being alone sucks

having said that, this girl despite her flaws is amazing, she was/is my savior, even if we dont get back tgether i wont go back to dope, I have no doubt in my mind tho how much i love her, and your right i should not have "made her pay for her sins" cuz i was hurt and angry n treated her poorly, just as she should not have fucked someone else cuz i was having trouble "living n let live"

im definately worried that if this is over for good that it will permanantly effect the way i deal with future relationships and my ability to fully commit to someone in the future

and that sucks, cuz i got a lot of love to give, i think of myself as a loving person and i wanna love and be loved

yea the 1st one was more easily fogivable tho its easy to say that now and unfortunatly i wasnt good at forgiving the 1st one

What makes her amazing? Do some serious thinking and write the list down. It will really help you identify what you get out of the relationship and will help you to see why (or why not) the two of you are compatible. Thinking someone is as amazing and identifying specific things as to why s person is amazing are two different things. You need to look at the specific reasons that you love her. Can you freely speak about why you love her? Don't let your fear of being alone cloud your perspective.

You are the only one who can control your own actions. Our pasts have a way of molding who we are but that doesn't mean you have to spend your life bitter sand jaded about love either, it just means you have to learn a more effective way of dealing with hurt and letdown. Sticks and stones break bones but words can hurt...they hurt deep. Try not yo say anything you will regret later because once it's been said it can't be taken back.

You aren't broken from loving again, it just feels that way because you're in the heat of the moment. Let this experience make you a better person not a negative one. You can't always control what happens but you can control how you respond and how you let it effect you as a person.

 

[ohline]

those new ipads for you autistic peeps are suave as, have fun learning! be patient with yourself, no more monster attacks.

u so funny