bye

[paranoid android]

Well paranoid android, you know what I think of your answer. I really can't thank you enough for contacting me last night and bearing with me for hours. I owe you so much. You're a great guy man, seriously.

Well I'm really really happy that you didn't kill yourself. As i said your a really great chick and it would be a huge loss if you offed yourself. And besides people who love Led Zeppelin are not allowed to kill themselves anyway . I'm glad i was of some help to you and it was really nice chatting to you so don't think anything of it. Besides your a easy person to talk to and your actually interesting as well . You don't owe me fuck all there's been so many people that have helped me out alot over the years and if not for some of them i most likely would have splattered my brains out all over the wall. So let's just call it good karma. I will definitely visit you when i make it to the other side of the pond.

Thanks so much for the compliments and believe it or not you helped me out to in a weird way. It's not often i get compliments these days or told I'm worth anything so i can't thank you enough for that. Feel free to hit me up anytime

 

[Twon]

I hope this post finds you feeling better. Even if it's just a tiny bit better.

 

[tripnotyzm]

you rock Pagey, tds would not be the same without your presence.
Please get better x

 

[ocean]

Pagey, I am glad to hear you talked to Paranoid Android and that you're feeling a bit better.
You are a beautiful wonderful woman and I know that life is tough right now but you really never know what wonderful things tomorrow will bring.
The darker the night, the brighter the sunrise
The Battle of Evermore reminds me of embracing the dark times b/c there are always better times.
I plan to PM you soon w/ a more in depth msg.
Keep your head up sweetheart. Things do get better.

 

[footscrazy]

I've noticed you around BL Pagey and you've always stood out to me as someone with a lot of intelligence, empathy and compassion, and a kick arse spark.

I too am really glad that you're still here. Sometimes, it can take more strength than you think you have just to proceed, but you have more strength than you think. That doesn't make it any less painful, but I have a lot of admiration for you for keeping on going, despite it being so tough.

I remember when I was at my absolute lowest, when I couldn't imagine even making it through another minute, let alone another day, one thought I held onto when I couldn't think of any reason my life was worth anything, or that I should keep going, was that my life would be worth something if I could improve things for some other being on this earth. For me, that was animals, if I was there to help out a cat or dog at a shelter or whatever that would've otherwise had a little less love, then that was important and a reason to be alive.

I think your life is incredibly worthwhile, but at some points in life it can be so hard to think that about yourself. I thought I'd share that one little thing that helped me, in case it could be of some use to you too

 

[Tude]

I'm glad you're alive. I really hope you stay that way! You feel you're at rock bottom. The only way you can go is up

 

[Pagey]

This thread in itself will assuredly be helpful to some. I'm not suicidal, but it fills me w/ a longing to continue my shuffle through this lifetime.

Another point, you seem to take the time. The post above is a an outstanding example; you replied kindly and thoughtfully to everyone who left you a response on this thread. TDS is a wonderful place, but even here there are few people who would be receptive to that degree. True, you can't gauge the good you do in peoples' lives, but summoning the strength to be kind and compassionate - as I've seen from you - is absolutely nothing at which to sneeze.

Thank you.

That's very nice of you to say. Considering you guys are here to help me get through the lowest point of my life I think I can't thank you enough but I do my best.

Pagey, you're not alone all these people care about you, all these people want you to live, i want you to live, positive thoughts always positive thoughts...

Pagey I'm glad you're still here. DO NOT give up.

How you're feeling now will be temporary, and you'll look back a month or more from now and think "WTF was I thinking then?!"

I hope you're right. What scares me is that I haven't thought that at all since my last suicide attempt six months ago. All I've been thinking is 'why didn't it work' and 'why didn't I try even harder'. But maybe you're right and things will clear up this time

Just remember something I was once told, this too shall pass. Everything passes. I tried NA around 7 years ago when I was quite a rascal (euphemism) of a 15 year old. That phrase and the serenity prayer are the only good things I took from it.

Do you really think everything passes though? I don't know, I feel like some things just stick to you forever and just ...Eat at you

Well I'm really really happy that you didn't kill yourself. As i said your a really great chick and it would be a huge loss if you offed yourself. And besides people who love Led Zeppelin are not allowed to kill themselves anyway . I'm glad i was of some help to you and it was really nice chatting to you so don't think anything of it. Besides your a easy person to talk to and your actually interesting as well . You don't owe me fuck all there's been so many people that have helped me out alot over the years and if not for some of them i most likely would have splattered my brains out all over the wall. So let's just call it good karma. I will definitely visit you when i make it to the other side of the pond.

Thanks so much for the compliments and believe it or not you helped me out to in a weird way. It's not often i get compliments these days or told I'm worth anything so i can't thank you enough for that. Feel free to hit me up anytime

I'm glad to hear I was able to help even when I rambled on about all my problems for hours! You're a great person and don't let anyone tell you otherwise, that's all I can say. Thanks so much

I hope this post finds you feeling better. Even if it's just a tiny bit better.

It does

you rock Pagey, tds would not be the same without your presence.
Please get better x

Thank you trip

Pagey, I am glad to hear you talked to Paranoid Android and that you're feeling a bit better.
You are a beautiful wonderful woman and I know that life is tough right now but you really never know what wonderful things tomorrow will bring.
The darker the night, the brighter the sunrise
The Battle of Evermore reminds me of embracing the dark times b/c there are always better times.
I plan to PM you soon w/ a more in depth msg.
Keep your head up sweetheart. Things do get better.

I look forward to talking to you ocean. I really appreciate your support.

I've noticed you around BL Pagey and you've always stood out to me as someone with a lot of intelligence, empathy and compassion, and a kick arse spark.

I too am really glad that you're still here. Sometimes, it can take more strength than you think you have just to proceed, but you have more strength than you think. That doesn't make it any less painful, but I have a lot of admiration for you for keeping on going, despite it being so tough.

I remember when I was at my absolute lowest, when I couldn't imagine even making it through another minute, let alone another day, one thought I held onto when I couldn't think of any reason my life was worth anything, or that I should keep going, was that my life would be worth something if I could improve things for some other being on this earth. For me, that was animals, if I was there to help out a cat or dog at a shelter or whatever that would've otherwise had a little less love, then that was important and a reason to be alive.

I think your life is incredibly worthwhile, but at some points in life it can be so hard to think that about yourself. I thought I'd share that one little thing that helped me, in case it could be of some use to you too

That's actually one of the reasons why I started hanging out on BL, and specifically TDS, in the first place. Well I was looking for support at first but I stuck around because since I couldn't find a point to my own life I figured I may as well try to give back to others. I don't know if I've succeeded but I do hope so. Thanks for the support

I'm glad you're alive. I really hope you stay that way! You feel you're at rock bottom. The only way you can go is up

I'll try to think of it that way

Not feeling much better today but it feels good to see the support I have here and I'll try to hang on longer.

 

[herbavore]

I think one of the worst facets of feeling suicidal is that inability to connect with anything outside your own existence and that is a horrible isolation cell to be in. It is like having an ache that cannot be denied or distracted away and yet by focusing on it, it becomes that much more acute. The paradox is built in--you need to look at what underpins the feelings and holds them in place but being drawn down into those waters seems counter-intuitive.

Because of what you have shared about your history (a father that tells you that you are worthless) I can only say that you are both very courageous and also that you will need to summon up even more courage to move beyond the way he has successfully instilled that voice in your own head. You have lost faith in your worth as a human being. No one here can give that back to you even though we want to so badly. You have to fight that voice. You may have to get angry which is not a comfortable place for many women. We are taught that it is an emotion that we should not feel let alone express. Your father should have been telling you the opposite and your mother should not have stood by passively while he set up this disaster in your head. You are a very polite and gracious person, Pagey. Maybe you need to get mad. Fight that voice as if it is an enemy. Right now, it has seduced you into thinking death is the only answer. That could not be further from the truth. People heal from horrible parenting, they heal from trauma, they heal from every kind of pain life throws at them. And they heal stronger and more empathetic because of the pain itself and the healing. The way to heal is to recognize the ways that you have internalized the messages of self-hate. We need a world of people that can recognize and admit the suffering around them and within them without turning away. We all need each other. Your impulse to help yourself by coming on here and helping others is a testament both to your intelligence (smart strategy!) and your big heart. The world needs all the big hearts it can get.

Yesterday I was at a conference on Mindfulness for young children and teens. One of the simple steps that you can take is to start each day with a gratitude (or 3!) that you write down. It can be anything--the fact that you are still here to the fact that you like the smell of coffee in the morning. It is a small act that takes you outside yourself and comes from inside yourself but it has huge consequences in your physical brain. I am a very undisciplined person--my gratitude journal has so many entries that I fill pages one week and then forget about it for weeks on end. It doesn't have to be a burden but it works best when you make it a habit.

 

[Pagey]

Thank you herbavore I've gotten better these past few months at releasing my anger against my dad and I've yelled back at him a few times but to be honest I'm absolutely terrified of him so I've never been able to tell him all I really felt and I think that's holding me back because it's like he's getting too much satisfaction from the situation or something, I don't know. I want to hurt him back. I'm disgusted in myself for saying that

I'm feeling better today. Something exciting happened and I now realize it's true you only need one small thing to make you see that you shouldn't give up. Thank you so much everybody, I owe you guys so much, you're great.

 

[Whosajiggawaaa]

Thank you herbavore I've gotten better these past few months at releasing my anger against my dad and I've yelled back at him a few times but to be honest I'm absolutely terrified of him so I've never been able to tell him all I really felt and I think that's holding me back because it's like he's getting too much satisfaction from the situation or something, I don't know. I want to hurt him back. I'm disgusted in myself for saying that

I'm feeling better today. Something exciting happened and I now realize it's true you only need one small thing to make you see that you shouldn't give up. Thank you so much everybody, I owe you guys so much, you're great.

Now you can see the meaning of my post. Stuff passes it may be with you forever but the severity of it to you will fluctuate or even pass.

 

[MissNervosa]

Pagey I'm so glad to hear you are feeling better.I know we haven't spoken much on here,but you've always struck me as an intelligent,compassionate woman who gives so much to others. The world would a much less bright place without you in it

footscrazy What you said about hanging in there for the sake of helping animals really resonated with me.As I suffer major depressive disorder,there have been plenty of times in the past where I have been suicidal or had suicide ideation.My many furbabies and my work in rabbit rescue has often been the thing that made me stop and think.My animals are often my only reason to get out of bed in the morning,and there are so few rabbit rescuers in Sydney,I feel I make a considerable difference,and that's one of the only things I do that I can be proud of.And that in it's self is enough reason to hang around

 

[sconnie420]

I've pretty much made up my mind. I don't want to continue living at all. hopefully i wont be around much longer i have no one

Honey, me and u r in the same god damn boat..I'm here myself, but I'm glad ur doing bettr . As 4 myself, there is no hope.

 

[captaincaveman]

Please sconnie, I'm sorry that you feel this way. but don't equate courage with suicide. It's the ultimate expression of despair. I hope Pagey doesn't start thinking along the same lines. I understand why Pagey is so down and really feel for her but your post isn't want she needs to hear right now. (Pagey I'm sorry keep your head up and I thought things were going ok with your guy)
So Sconnie you haven't found a partner in arms, she's a tough little trooper who has been through stuff that would finish a lesser being. Hang in there dude. You are worth it!

 

[Thou]

I was very much where you are just a few months ago, but it had been ongoing for quite some time.

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/635995-So-long-folks

I made a thread like this.

I don't quite know how to explain my transformation in that time, but it's completely turned around. And I had been on the cusp of a 10 year desolute hopeless binge.

What helped me the most was zen buddhist philosophy, having a creative outlet (started writing finally after many years of avoiding it due to low self esteem), and realizing fully in the transient nature of the universe.

Whoever mentioned that mediation retreat was brilliant. I never knew of such a thing, I'd love to go to one.

Also, helping others is one great way to help yourself. I'm in healthcare and about to get a job again in that field for the first time in over a year. It's frustrating but if you focus only on the positive (hard, I know) and realize that good implies bad by its very nature and all is necessary and pure, you'll start to see yourself as a direct aperture by which the universe looks through.

We are all one existence.

PM me anytime.

 

[Pagey]

Thanks very much for your answers cc & Thou. I've been feeling back at the same point today. I was really intent on ending it all this afternoon and I think the only reason I didn't is I didn't have any easy way available. Anyway...trying to reread all your replies right now to make myself feel better. I really hope you're all right and it'll get better but I don't know. It's so hard to believe when I just feel this...pointless.

 

[Thou]

If you need someone to talk to nows the time.

PM me I'll give you my no. I'll tell you how wrong you are

 

[Part Time Junkie]

Hey Pagey I had a friend who was very similar to you - very depressed and had dark thoughts.. until he me girl at a party who he now has a very beautiful baby girl with! I know it's not super easy to meet people but I strongly suggest trying to get into a good relationship before you do anything drastic! Keep your chin up and stay positive!

 

[Serotonin101]

Always remember that tomorrow can be better. Just keep toughing it out. I used to tell myself "i can end this whenever i want, lets see how tomorrow goes just in case" and i told myself that everyday and it was worth the wait. Maybe try living a sober life? Sobriety stabilized my emotions and eased my mind so much, relieved a lot of pressure and anxiety and helped quiet all the "background noise" that i dont need (drama filled friends, dope dealers, significant others, money issues, etc).

 

[Pagey]

If you need someone to talk to nows the time.

PM me I'll give you my no. I'll tell you how wrong you are

I did - twice! Are you not receiving them?

Hey Pagey I had a friend who was very similar to you - very depressed and had dark thoughts.. until he me girl at a party who he now has a very beautiful baby girl with! I know it's not super easy to meet people but I strongly suggest trying to get into a good relationship before you do anything drastic! Keep your chin up and stay positive!

Always remember that tomorrow can be better. Just keep toughing it out. I used to tell myself "i can end this whenever i want, lets see how tomorrow goes just in case" and i told myself that everyday and it was worth the wait. Maybe try living a sober life? Sobriety stabilized my emotions and eased my mind so much, relieved a lot of pressure and anxiety and helped quiet all the "background noise" that i dont need (drama filled friends, dope dealers, significant others, money issues, etc).

Thanks. Yes I'm trying to remember that I don't know what my future holds so it might get better, I have no idea. But you know, I mean...it's really tough.
Well I'm mostly sober, I just use on occasion and tbh it's sort of the only thing that makes me feel better these days so...and since it's really not that regular I don't feel like it's bringing me down or anything; but it's hard to know of course so maybe you're right. I'm just not really ready to give up on the one thing that can sometimes keep me from feeling too horrible, you know?

 

[DooMMooD]

Pagey, if you are at all interested in being show a reason for continued living that is independent of the usual cliches, read Plato's Crito. In it he makes a most elegant argument of why suicide is wrong, not based on the simple reasons usually given, but because you do not possess the right.

In essence, he argues it is wrong because you do not have the right to.

Whether or not one agrees with him is irrelevant, because I myself feel there are certain failings where Plato does not take certain things into account, but he does make a most convincing argument. To Plato, it is not your decisions to make when you should or should not die.

Once again, I have read it, and there are a few points he does not address well (although I will let you figure it out on your own), but still, give it a read! Its only like 10 pages long if the idea of reading such scares you off. You'll be through it before you know it, and then able to give it a second read! Its free to boot