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Am I too Independent?

escapingwonderland

escapingwonderland

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 24, 2012
Messages
57
Location
las vegas, nv
I recently met this guy and we ended up having a 1 night stand (fine with me, I just got out of a relationship and don't want anything serious). We talked all night, and he said I must be very intimidating to alot of men because I am so independent. He said I think like a man. It has been bothering me for a little bit. I do everything for myself because I am the only one that i can count on. The next morning he kept asking me if I was ok, like I was supposed to feel something. I told him I was great (I really felt great, no regrets). He is from the UK, and I am from the US. My question is, do most guys find independent women not as attractive???
 
I will say my ex was really independent and at first I liked it as i hate girls that are to needy and possessive. However, my ex also had a huge personality (something she developed to protect herself i imagine as both her parents died in a car accident she was in when she was only 8 ). Although her personality was great out at parities and mingling with friends it became overbaring. She would go out with her friends and never call, even a few days at a time.

Eventually i started getting so paranoid about what she was doing and why she wasn't needing me that i ended up cheating on her. In some sick and twisted way i thought i was protecting myself from what she might be doing out there.

So to answer your question, yes sometime being very independent can scare men, but I am sure there are men out there who would love that in a women.
 
escapingwonderland said:
My question is, do most guys find independent women not as attractive???
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If my gf were independent, had a passion in life, take initiative to take care of herself money-wise, would be emotionally self-supportive, doesn't send me 20 redundant text messages every day, etc..

that would be a gift from heaven.
 
Psyduck said:
If my gf were independent, had a passion in life, take initiative to take care of herself money-wise, would be emotionally self-supportive, doesn't send me 20 redundant text messages every day, etc..

that would be a gift from heaven.
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LOL and yes, I second this.
 
For social and Darwinian reasons, men are often, whether consciously or clandestinely, psychosexually preoccupied with an ideal, archetypical romantic persona: The Provider/Protector.

Most men in the 21st century are perfectly capable of recognizing this proclivity and keeping its worst manifestations (e.g., possessiveness, jealousy, a pathological need for control) at bay. However, in a situation such as yours/his, a relatively complex - but, I'd argue, basically innocent - form of insecurity can easily take root and fester into a bona fide conflict of sexual identity. To some men, the notion of a woman who conspicuously flaunts her socially-/evolutionarily-prescribed gender norms by taking her own initiative 99.5% of the time can be socially uncomfortable and intimidating on the one hand and identity-threatening on the other.
 
Thanks for the responses. Ever since I was on my own I never had to depend on a guy for money. I have always had a job and my own place to live. I love my life. I would love to have someone that isn't intimidated by me. A strong guy, not one that I would be able to walk all over. That is a big turn off.
 
It's not that guys don't find independent women attractive, it's that we scare them. Because damn it, we're hot! And damn it, we don't need them! Hahaha! :D
 
It's not that guys don't find independent women attractive, it's that we scare them.
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nod.gif
 
Tude said:
It's not that guys don't find independent women attractive, it's that we scare them. Because damn it, we're hot!
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Ime it's more that they're too "independent" to be affectionate during the courting process.
 
GhostHardware said:
And that's the problem. Who wants to feel redundant?
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Telling someone you love them when you already do things to show them could also be considered redundant, but it doesn't mean they don't want to hear it.

I hope I made sense...
 
Psyduck said:
If my gf were independent, had a passion in life, take initiative to take care of herself money-wise, would be emotionally self-supportive, doesn't send me 20 redundant text messages every day, etc..

that would be a gift from heaven.
Click to expand...

+1. damn man, you read my mind
 
Psyduck said:
If my gf were independent, had a passion in life, take initiative to take care of herself money-wise, would be emotionally self-supportive, doesn't send me 20 redundant text messages every day, etc..

that would be a gift from heaven.
Click to expand...

I've had some clingy, needy girlfriends in the past, none were serious as I have a really low tolerance for that sort of thing. One expected me to be her taxi but would also text me every 5 minutes if I didn't respond immediately if I was doing something.

I actually made a thread about that and now I feel really stupid for not dumping her sooner as everyone had suggested. She was craaaaaazy.

However, the current girl I am seeing is like that. She has been living on her own for 4-5 years now and I'm not gonna lie, it freaks me out a little bit that she doesn't need me for anything. I s'pose I worry that there isn't any reason for her to continue seeing me. At the same time, I try to let myself know that I'm certainly just being paranoid.

She's also really mature for her age in some ways in that she told me herself, "If I quit seeing someone, it's not really a big deal, it sucks that it didn't work out but its not the end of the world."

So yeah, there are positives and negatives in dating an independent woman, seems like mostly positives though in comparison to dating the opposite of one.
 
I s'pose I worry that there isn't any reason for her to continue seeing me.
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But isn't that, in and of itself, a little cynical? [Not to dole out unsolicited advice, but here's some unsolicited advice] If it's serious interpersonal connection that you're looking for in a relationship (as opposed to a convenient arrangement in which someone who doesn't eventually drive you to suicide and is physically attractive can regularly hang out and/or have sex with you), this sort of mentality might become an impediment. I don't really perceive it as paranoia, but I'm hard-pressed to give it a name...material-dependence-insecurity? I only chime in because I could easily see myself in the exact same predicament, hence the gif above.
 
It has always been very important for me to know I never needed anyone to get my needs met, and I expect my partner to live and feel the same way. (I am a straight man)

For me, any kind of dependence ruins the relationship (at least in the beginning) because you never know if you are together as a celebration of your love for each other or because it is the most expedient way to get your needs met.
Being with someone else should be about the things that go above and beyond your normal routine and in turn deliver more joy to your life.
 
For me, any kind of dependence ruins the relationship (at least in the beginning) because you never know if you are together as a celebration of your love for each other or because it is the most expedient way to get your needs met.
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Exactly.
 
Some guys don't like independent women and some guys do. I'm fairly independent as well but it doesn't mean that it is hard to find a guy. Yeah, some guys may be intimidated, but find another guy! Plenty of them out there :)
 
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