SideOrderOfOpiates
Bluelighter
In 2008 and 2009, I had an experience that left me pretty fucking emotionally wounded. At twenty-one years old, I was exposed to full-blown AIDS. The man who exposed me later told me by stating that I "should be grateful for the gift that keeps on taking". This was clearly an unsavory individual. This clearly fucked with my head for many, many reasons. To simplify the trauma and address the issue, although countless amounts of bloodwork had me in 'the clear', I questioned the validity of these tests for quite some time. Prior to the sexual exposure(s), I had been handed a handful of AZT drugs and told that they were 'vitamins'. I knew that this factor could cause delayed seroconversion, as could coinfection with Hep. C. With that said, I saw to it that I was fatally loaded for the next year and six months. As this started to occur, all of the people I used to use with started to test positive for HIV. These people were not exposed to such a high risk malicious individual, and the thought of that had me fucking convinced that there was no possible way that I, someone who knew they were playing with fire by being with this person to begin with, somehow did not have HIV. This was such a high risk person, and I was so foolish in my actions, that I could not fathom being the only one I knew who got out of this epidemic testing negative.
Well, apparently I actually do have a lucky birthdate, because years of testing, and I am still HIV negative. You would think that I would be thrilled, but as elated as I am about my physical health, I am equally as damaged psychologically. The more I have been able to take this as "a new lease on life" and clean up my act a bit, the more I realize that I am not someone anyone can grow close to—let alone fuck. Prior to the HIV exposure, I was quite sexual and quite caring. I am still an intrinsically sexual gal, but between the trust issues derived from my own personal exposure, and the fact that literally almost every individual I associated with has HIV now, I am absolutely terrified to act on any sexual impulse. This was reaffirmed recently after meeting with a friend that I associated with a week after I was told I was exposed to HIV. I did not tell her I was exposed until recently (although she knew based on my behavior), and came to find out that she, in fact, now has HIV. So long as one doesn't pull anything, an HIV status does not have any bearing on whether or not I associate with someone. The way I see it, that could have easily been me, so I know the precautions to take and do not stigmatize. Keeping that in mind, when I went out to lunch with said friend, she hinted that she wanted to kiss me. This is when I discovered I still had a very big problem. Mentally I freaked out. Not in the "I'm nervous because I have butterflies" sort of way, though. Not even in the "I'm nervous because I haven't kissed in forever and I'm fucking sober right now" kind of way. It was as though I was just almost repulsed by the thought of kissing. This made no sense, because being a bisexual female who has never had a shortage of attractive women, I knew she was smoking hot and incredibly intelligent. Sexually speaking, I liked the thought of kissing her again. Physically, I liked what I saw. I just felt repulsed for some reason. Felt as though that part of me no longer existed. I explained to her that I told her I take things slowly now. That I had not seen her in quite some time and merely wanted to enjoy her company. That I wasn't accepting nor declining her. The way I see it now, by not taking action, I was declining her. The way I felt, I was declining intimacy with everyone.
I suppose what I am getting at is that after the exposure, I developed an aversion to being sexual or romantic. I feel as though if I were to have sex, it would be more based on a power exchange. I have always been attracted to both sexes, and I have been into 'taboo' sex acts prior to this happening. After it happened though, I felt this shift. I no longer feel as though sex is romantic. Part of me is quite fond of that. I dig not caring about falling for someone because of my ineptitude to handle my womanly emotions. I do not dig the fact that I am partially comfortable with this. Deep down, I have a desire to be romantic, to fall in love. It is as though that is in me and it has been shut off, deactivated. I can no longer even care about a human being the way I used to. I used to care and love with every bit of my soul. Now I feel like such a shell of a woman at times that I feel absolutely nothing when pretending to care. This almost sociopathic sounding feeling is eating away at me—as is this aversion to sex and romance. I wonder how long this will continue. I wonder whether or not I need some sort of magic individual to break this spell and give me faith in humanity. I wonder whether or not that is even possible because I am so weary to even date. I wonder if anyone would even date someone like me. Not because I possess negative qualities, but because I know I will take so much effort. I have been in therapy, I am on medication, I am cutting back on the drugs, I am trying to be more social. I just don't know whether this is an issue that will alleviate with time and the right precautions, or whether I am looking at a lifetime of flawed relationships and divorces if I attempt it.
Has anyone here ever experienced (or even heard of) anything similar? If so, what helped remedy it? This loneliness is something I never would have imagined.
Well, apparently I actually do have a lucky birthdate, because years of testing, and I am still HIV negative. You would think that I would be thrilled, but as elated as I am about my physical health, I am equally as damaged psychologically. The more I have been able to take this as "a new lease on life" and clean up my act a bit, the more I realize that I am not someone anyone can grow close to—let alone fuck. Prior to the HIV exposure, I was quite sexual and quite caring. I am still an intrinsically sexual gal, but between the trust issues derived from my own personal exposure, and the fact that literally almost every individual I associated with has HIV now, I am absolutely terrified to act on any sexual impulse. This was reaffirmed recently after meeting with a friend that I associated with a week after I was told I was exposed to HIV. I did not tell her I was exposed until recently (although she knew based on my behavior), and came to find out that she, in fact, now has HIV. So long as one doesn't pull anything, an HIV status does not have any bearing on whether or not I associate with someone. The way I see it, that could have easily been me, so I know the precautions to take and do not stigmatize. Keeping that in mind, when I went out to lunch with said friend, she hinted that she wanted to kiss me. This is when I discovered I still had a very big problem. Mentally I freaked out. Not in the "I'm nervous because I have butterflies" sort of way, though. Not even in the "I'm nervous because I haven't kissed in forever and I'm fucking sober right now" kind of way. It was as though I was just almost repulsed by the thought of kissing. This made no sense, because being a bisexual female who has never had a shortage of attractive women, I knew she was smoking hot and incredibly intelligent. Sexually speaking, I liked the thought of kissing her again. Physically, I liked what I saw. I just felt repulsed for some reason. Felt as though that part of me no longer existed. I explained to her that I told her I take things slowly now. That I had not seen her in quite some time and merely wanted to enjoy her company. That I wasn't accepting nor declining her. The way I see it now, by not taking action, I was declining her. The way I felt, I was declining intimacy with everyone.
I suppose what I am getting at is that after the exposure, I developed an aversion to being sexual or romantic. I feel as though if I were to have sex, it would be more based on a power exchange. I have always been attracted to both sexes, and I have been into 'taboo' sex acts prior to this happening. After it happened though, I felt this shift. I no longer feel as though sex is romantic. Part of me is quite fond of that. I dig not caring about falling for someone because of my ineptitude to handle my womanly emotions. I do not dig the fact that I am partially comfortable with this. Deep down, I have a desire to be romantic, to fall in love. It is as though that is in me and it has been shut off, deactivated. I can no longer even care about a human being the way I used to. I used to care and love with every bit of my soul. Now I feel like such a shell of a woman at times that I feel absolutely nothing when pretending to care. This almost sociopathic sounding feeling is eating away at me—as is this aversion to sex and romance. I wonder how long this will continue. I wonder whether or not I need some sort of magic individual to break this spell and give me faith in humanity. I wonder whether or not that is even possible because I am so weary to even date. I wonder if anyone would even date someone like me. Not because I possess negative qualities, but because I know I will take so much effort. I have been in therapy, I am on medication, I am cutting back on the drugs, I am trying to be more social. I just don't know whether this is an issue that will alleviate with time and the right precautions, or whether I am looking at a lifetime of flawed relationships and divorces if I attempt it.
Has anyone here ever experienced (or even heard of) anything similar? If so, what helped remedy it? This loneliness is something I never would have imagined.
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