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The Romantic/Sexual Effects of a Malicious HIV Exposure—Despite Remaining Negative

SideOrderOfOpiates

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 19, 2010
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Glendale
In 2008 and 2009, I had an experience that left me pretty fucking emotionally wounded. At twenty-one years old, I was exposed to full-blown AIDS. The man who exposed me later told me by stating that I "should be grateful for the gift that keeps on taking". This was clearly an unsavory individual. This clearly fucked with my head for many, many reasons. To simplify the trauma and address the issue, although countless amounts of bloodwork had me in 'the clear', I questioned the validity of these tests for quite some time. Prior to the sexual exposure(s), I had been handed a handful of AZT drugs and told that they were 'vitamins'. I knew that this factor could cause delayed seroconversion, as could coinfection with Hep. C. With that said, I saw to it that I was fatally loaded for the next year and six months. As this started to occur, all of the people I used to use with started to test positive for HIV. These people were not exposed to such a high risk malicious individual, and the thought of that had me fucking convinced that there was no possible way that I, someone who knew they were playing with fire by being with this person to begin with, somehow did not have HIV. This was such a high risk person, and I was so foolish in my actions, that I could not fathom being the only one I knew who got out of this epidemic testing negative.

Well, apparently I actually do have a lucky birthdate, because years of testing, and I am still HIV negative. You would think that I would be thrilled, but as elated as I am about my physical health, I am equally as damaged psychologically. The more I have been able to take this as "a new lease on life" and clean up my act a bit, the more I realize that I am not someone anyone can grow close to—let alone fuck. Prior to the HIV exposure, I was quite sexual and quite caring. I am still an intrinsically sexual gal, but between the trust issues derived from my own personal exposure, and the fact that literally almost every individual I associated with has HIV now, I am absolutely terrified to act on any sexual impulse. This was reaffirmed recently after meeting with a friend that I associated with a week after I was told I was exposed to HIV. I did not tell her I was exposed until recently (although she knew based on my behavior), and came to find out that she, in fact, now has HIV. So long as one doesn't pull anything, an HIV status does not have any bearing on whether or not I associate with someone. The way I see it, that could have easily been me, so I know the precautions to take and do not stigmatize. Keeping that in mind, when I went out to lunch with said friend, she hinted that she wanted to kiss me. This is when I discovered I still had a very big problem. Mentally I freaked out. Not in the "I'm nervous because I have butterflies" sort of way, though. Not even in the "I'm nervous because I haven't kissed in forever and I'm fucking sober right now" kind of way. It was as though I was just almost repulsed by the thought of kissing. This made no sense, because being a bisexual female who has never had a shortage of attractive women, I knew she was smoking hot and incredibly intelligent. Sexually speaking, I liked the thought of kissing her again. Physically, I liked what I saw. I just felt repulsed for some reason. Felt as though that part of me no longer existed. I explained to her that I told her I take things slowly now. That I had not seen her in quite some time and merely wanted to enjoy her company. That I wasn't accepting nor declining her. The way I see it now, by not taking action, I was declining her. The way I felt, I was declining intimacy with everyone.

I suppose what I am getting at is that after the exposure, I developed an aversion to being sexual or romantic. I feel as though if I were to have sex, it would be more based on a power exchange. I have always been attracted to both sexes, and I have been into 'taboo' sex acts prior to this happening. After it happened though, I felt this shift. I no longer feel as though sex is romantic. Part of me is quite fond of that. I dig not caring about falling for someone because of my ineptitude to handle my womanly emotions. I do not dig the fact that I am partially comfortable with this. Deep down, I have a desire to be romantic, to fall in love. It is as though that is in me and it has been shut off, deactivated. I can no longer even care about a human being the way I used to. I used to care and love with every bit of my soul. Now I feel like such a shell of a woman at times that I feel absolutely nothing when pretending to care. This almost sociopathic sounding feeling is eating away at me—as is this aversion to sex and romance. I wonder how long this will continue. I wonder whether or not I need some sort of magic individual to break this spell and give me faith in humanity. I wonder whether or not that is even possible because I am so weary to even date. I wonder if anyone would even date someone like me. Not because I possess negative qualities, but because I know I will take so much effort. I have been in therapy, I am on medication, I am cutting back on the drugs, I am trying to be more social. I just don't know whether this is an issue that will alleviate with time and the right precautions, or whether I am looking at a lifetime of flawed relationships and divorces if I attempt it.

Has anyone here ever experienced (or even heard of) anything similar? If so, what helped remedy it? This loneliness is something I never would have imagined.
 
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sockpuppet, firstly, thank you so much for speaking up! Secondly, I have taken into serious consideration the type(s) of people I have known who are HIV positive. Initially I noticed that it truly was the drug users and people who engaged in same sex activities that were affected. Then, in multiple attempts to start dating and get laid again, I began to rekindle friendships with people from my past, who (to my knowledge) did not use intravenous drugs, have hard drug habits, or engage in same sex activities. What I came to find out was that these too became infected with HIV. Many of these people simply had heterosexual sex with the wrong person. While I agree that I am definitely too mentally invested in this, I maintain that finding out that individuals whom I thought certainly would be negative, are actually positive, is not exactly reassuring. I thought that by seeking out non-drug users, and even going back to my early childhood friends, that I would not see this problem. Or at least so much of it. I was wrong. Had I not been celibate after the exposure, I would have most likely contracted it or been exposed elsewhere. The HIV+ world is a lot like the drug world. Once you've seen what it looks like, know how it acts, and know what the drugs do to you...it opens up the ability to spot this elusive community of people. This is a much larger, much more diverse community than I would have thought (think the film KIDS—only with socioeconomic diversity), and knowing that I feel the need to watch someone's blood get drawn in front of me evokes feelings of hopelessness in a relationship. It's difficult as hell for me to even return a smile from someone who is flirting with me. Why, you ask? Well, because they might stick around. If they stick around long enough to...well...get 'stuck', haha...I feel as though if I am not afraid of them and their present, they will certainly be afraid of me and my past.
 
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The short answer is: It is all in your head.


Have you considered seeing a professional? ...someone to talk out these concerns with in a controlled setting?

If that is not an option, how about just getting out there and having some experiences to distance yourself from the past that is still looming large like a black cloud over your psyche?
 
The short answer is: It is all in your head.


Have you considered seeing a professional? ...someone to talk out these concerns with in a controlled setting?

If that is not an option, how about just getting out there and having some experiences to distance yourself from the past that is still looming large like a black cloud over your psyche?



If it is all in my head, then would you please explain the significance of all of my friends discreetly storing bleach in sugar bowls, complaining about constant diarrhea/having to take daily naps and 'cocktails' of medication, bandaging rather miniscule wounds, discussing their acceptance of death, and continously trying to keep weight on their face and legs?

I maintain that I certainly need to accelerate the growth of myself psychologically, but do keep in mind that I have not been wrong once with regard to thinking a friend is positive (I am not saying that I will always be right, that has just been the case thus far with friends). I know because said individuals eventually verbally disclosed this to me. I am cognizant enough to realize that this has impacted my life far more than it should have, but I am also not going to reduce what I know to be factual information. This is a massive problem amongst my friends and acquaintances. One of which started subsequent to various outbreaks of HIV in the adult entertainment industry within proximity of me. I agree wholeheartedly that this is also clearly a massive problem for my psyche—as I have always been susceptible to panic disorders. With that said, I am currently in the process of finding adequate, improved mental health care for this issue, as well as others. I undoubtely want this obsession and fear to go away. Hell, I need to get fucked for Christ's sake! Haha!
bimow1.gif


I merely refuse to state something false and say that this is not an issue that I have had reaffirmed by HIV positive friends themselves, as well as therapists and family members.
 
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I merely refuse to state something false and say that this is not an issue that I have had reaffirmed by HIV positive friends themselves, as well as therapists and family members.

What has been reaffirmed?

No one is suggesting that you do not have HIV positive friends or that it is not possible to catch HIV from having unprotected receptive sex with HIV positive people or through exchanging blood with them. We are just both pointing out that it is clear from the way you write that the primary issue is one of your perception and mental health and that there is no reason whatsoever for you to fear HIV infection if you do not have unprotected receptive sex with those infected or at high risk of infection, do not share injection equipment, etc.

The more your sexual partners come from high risk groups such as sex workers, intravenous drug users, bisexual men, etc - the more real world risk you are putting yourself at. But even if your primary sexual partner has full blown AIDS you can safely have sex as long as you follow basic precautions. You are effectively at zero risk by the way in sex with another woman unless you are using sex toys roughly or otherwise engaging in bloodplay.

So the long and short is:

If you're worried for friends who are sex workers and drug users and getting infected you have every reason to be concerned and should try and educate them.

If you are worried about having sex safely yourself read up on real risks and safer sex and understand that you can easily reduce your risk nearly to zero even with a very active sex life.

If you are worried and thinking about this past 'trauma' you probably need to try and address the mental health issues at the core of the obsession. The drugs too.


Good luck to you!
 
Agreed. I think you are obsessing to the point of blindness.

If you refuse to see a professional then I suggest separating yourself from the people, scenes, and situations that feed your unpleasant and negative thoughts.

It really is that simple and well worth it for the perspective that only distance can bring.

:)
 
Thank you guys for the dose of reality.
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The mere fact that I am still at times deeply troubled by this, signifies to me how much I need to further address the trauma involved. There are various other traumatic factors as well, and after reading all of your responses, I have concluded that my time away from therapy may have just expired, haha. It has been far too long that I have felt as though my trust and trauma issues have hindered my ability to live a more tranquil and gratifying life. I seem to be running in circles with drugs partially because of this, and they only end up eventually aggravating the issue in a far more neurotic manner. Wish me luck and a healthy fuck!
 
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It's good to know about HIV/AIDS and assume that whoever you're sexually active with is or could be HIV+ and have other STDs and have safer sex with condoms and other ways, and not to share rigs/works/IVs if you inject drugs; but don't let paranoia get the best of you.

I also would do what Cheerio said and talk to a therapist or someone about your obsessions/fears. Good luck.
 
what scared untrusting crap.

After knowing someone that was infected by a mate that didn't know their status i have to agree with Priest. Too many people out there don't know their own status. Will never have sex without a rubber until i have know the person for a long long while ever again.
 
It's good to know about HIV/AIDS and assume that whoever you're sexually active with is or could be HIV+ and have other STDs and have safer sex with condoms and other ways, and not to share rigs/works/IVs if you inject drugs; but don't let paranoia get the best of you.

I also would do what Cheerio said and talk to a therapist or someone about your obsessions/fears. Good luck.


This.
 
After knowing someone that was infected by a mate that didn't know their status i have to agree with Priest. Too many people out there don't know their own status. Will never have sex without a rubber until i have know the person for a long long while ever again.


Why trust until you have reason to?

Become that trusting person again. It's not simple, it's a hard road to get there but make the effort. Trusting in the good inside people is what helps us help others. In this life there is nothing else.


Know yourself, and trust in others, through reconnaisance, and hopefully a fine tuned sense of who people are (in this case, what kinda sexual partner they are to you and maybe others...and how many others there have been, and are likely to be now).

But trust in others.

Why would you sleep with someone in the first place if you didn't trust they weren't fucking around carelessly? Unless you knew - then it's playing with fire whether they have something.

I have trusted a lot of people sexually, and known that some were easy, so there was a good chance they were fucking more than just me, and had a past as colourful (if not more so) than mine. I was lucky BUT I always knew what I was getting into. I enjoyed every minute of it, even when I was told that my ex girlfriend gave me herpes, and thought I'd given it to her, until I had MY first attack(oW!).

Then I learnt to enjoy my sex life holding onto that and adjusting my behaviours, until years later I was told I might have chlamydia, and I still enjoyed it then - because I knew that the girl who had it slept around a bit THROUGH POWERS OF OBSERVATION, but still chose to sleep with her, as she always used condoms with others, but for some reason decided not to with me...Now that I've written this I know that reason. I never thought about it til now haha. Lucky for us I know more about sex and ovulation than she did.

Know yourself and watch those who you wish to sleep with, and then sleep with them, and if you get burned then it is meant to tell you something.

LugoJ - Yeah I have thought that too, I honestly would rather not have sex with someone than have sex with a rubber on.
 
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