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The state of marriage today - what do you think?

Beachcat

Beachcat

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jul 1, 2011
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In the South, on a beach
I have been thinking a lot lately about the state of marriage in this day and age. I will say up front that I have been married for nine years, with the same partner for 14 years.

Anyway, I went with a friend recently to divorce court and I was struck by how packed it was and that almost every single marriage ending was between one and four years old. I thought wow....this courtroom is packed like this every single day.

It has gotten to where many of my friends are getting divorced because they are bored. Marriage is hard as hell. I have to remind myself daily of my marriage vows. On the flip side, I have a mature love that is awesome.

So I wonder, are we giving up on marriage too easily? Once divorce is an option does it become the easy way out? Is marriage even becoming obsolete? What do you guys think?
 
Beachcat said:
So I wonder, are we giving up on marriage too easily? Once divorce is an option does it become the easy way out? Is marriage even becoming obsolete? What do you guys think?
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If you read enough about human beings over all of human history you will quickly see that the idea of lifelong sexual monogamy is a modern Western creation. There is really no equivalent in other times and in other cultures for a system that expects people to have no outside sexual release for the rest of their lives.

Partly as a result of that - most educated and free-thinking people in the West turned against marriage and expectations of monogamy by the early 1960s. Both were viewed by most younger thoughtful people as reactionary creations of the establishment for many years. It was only after the right wing cultural counter-revolution of the mid 1980s that the pendulum started swinging back and once again otherwise bright young people started sounding like moral young christians from the Victorian era in matters of sex and love.

Marriage definitely has a useful purpose from a ritual or legal perspective, but expectations of happy monogamous marriages lasting for life are delusional - as this only rarely happens in the real world.
 
sockpuppet said:
Marriage definitely has a useful purpose from a ritual or legal perspective, but expectations of happy monogamous marriages lasting for life are delusional - as this only rarely happens in the real world.
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Nah that's absolute nonsense my friend, it's just people today have become incredibly pleasure orientated and can't keep their dicks in their pants (or pussy's to themselves), and have also failed to really develop any depth of character that would ensure a lasting relationship. A stable partnership is more than just a ritual or legal thing, although it has been co-opted by the Church/State for it's own purposes; it ensures the most solid foundation possible for a developing child and it also allows both parties to essentially meditate against each other for their own development.

Marriage is a good thing. The 60's "sexual revolution" is bullshit, nothing more than drug fuelled pleasure orientated bullshit.. it's all about me me me me me! Fuck that nonsense. The whole reason we're going downhill is people aren't developing their character and instead choosing a life dedicated to temporal pleasures that give them nothing and take everything.

I'd much rather have marriage/one partner who is on the same wavelength than a string of hollow empty headed pleasure orientated fuck partners. Problem is people also settle for shit these days.. they don't wait until they find someone of decent character (or develop their own enough). People just jump the gun and marry the first fucktard who promises everything.
 
I think a lot of people are rushing into marriages too quickly. That whole "love at first sight" thing that people see in the movie rarely actually happens, and people don't understand that. I think it's crucial to forge a strong friendship before marriage, because that just makes it easier to get through any issues that may come up.
I guess one could say that divorce IS the easy way out, but honestly, every conflict simply cannot be worked through, say, serial cheating or domestic abuse. I can also see how it would be hard to stay married to someone you've fallen completely out of love with. But then again, if you and the person you are marrying truly know each other, the chances of these things happening are way lower.
 
I think people just marry to fast. A lot of the people I know who got married were engaged after a year or year and a half of being together. If you marry you really need to know the person.

People who get married and being together for a long period ( 1-4 years like you said ) is enough time to truely see how each other really is... and this could be many things you don't like hence why the divorce. They got married fast...

My fiance wanted to marry me just a few months after we got engaged but one year and 2 weeks later I am still engaged and this is because I think rushing into it is what will kill us at the end.
 
-=SS=- said:
Nah that's absolute nonsense my friend, it's just people today have become incredibly pleasure orientated and can't keep their dicks in their pants (or pussy's to themselves).
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Read some history and talk to some old people and then tell me that people are actually more irresponsible with their genitals today than in the past. It just ain't so. If anything in the US it is very much the opposite. Young people today are much more sexually conservative than their parents or grandparents (or regarding men - their great-great-great grandparents! lol). The "sexual revolution" only brought into the open and made possible for ordinary women what men had always enjoyed.

But regardless of whether sexual freedom is a good thing or not, I suggest that you or anyone else who actually believes that lifelong, sexually monogamous, happy marriages are more than a rare occurrence most certainly hasn't seen much of the world. Sure it exists but most supposedly monogamous marriages will involve adultery or will end in divorce - and even of those elderly couples who've kept it in their pants and are still together - mutual loathing is as common as golden years love. Simple facts but always been true.
 
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What does true, everlasting, passionately romantic love (proximately) have to do with one's personal finances, their private property, small tax breaks, shiny rocks, churches, limousine processions, friends&family, hotel/dining hall afterparties, foolish looking pseudo-Victorian dresses, equally absurd/antiquated double-breasted jackets, &c? True, not every wedding contains the standard elements, but most of them certainly do (in the Western world, that is); and if one's wedding does not feature all or most of these ludicrous adornments, what is left? The vows and the friends, and maybe the booze? If so, why bother calling it a 'wedding'? At any rate, can't two mature, responsible adults commit themselves to one another for the remainder of their respective existences without all of those things present? Even without the church, limousines, and whatnot, the whole enterprise just seems so melancholy and synthetic - and that's not even broaching the probability of divorce.
 
I believe it's just to easy to get divorced these days. Take a look back and see what marriage ment to our grand fathers and great grandfathers.
Marriage was done though the curch and it is based of the religious beliefs you have. People would work hard on their marriage because being devorced was fround apon.
Also have a look futher back say 600 years to the 1400's Our life expectancy was say 40 yrs old. People got married to have children, they would marry at an early age, raise a child to be able to look after ones self then by that time your knocking on deaths door with the Black Death or something else at around 40-50.
These days with our life expectancy up around 80, you do the same as I mentioned above and then look at each other stupidly for the next 40 years.
 
I think being married is over-rated. Been there done that. I'm pretty content with the way things are going for me right now. Been with this one for just over 3 years so far. There has been no talk of getting married at all. At least not yet.
 
I think a lot of people get married too fast. I have a coworker who is only two years older than me, she's 23 (turning 24 soon). Her boyfriend is 28 and they moved in together after dating for about 6 months. They just reached their "one year" dating anniversary. She's already talking about marriage. She says she will probably be engaged by next summer.
I guess people just move really fast. I've been with my boyfriend for two and a half years and we have moved in together. We kind of talk about marriage in a way that it is far off from here, like at least a few years away.
I guess I wouldn't want to marry someone before knowing that they were the right person to marry. That means sex before marriage, going through rough times together, moving in together, even making big purchases together. You need to really know what someone's like. Right now, if my boyfriend and I were to break up, it would be tough. I mean, we have another half a year on our apartment lease. We bought our expensive mattress together - how would we decide how to split that? Things like that ... yeah it would be tough. BUT we could work it out. Break ups happen. This gives us time to know if it is really going to work out or not.
My boyfriends family is Catholic and he went to a Catholic school and stuff so a lot of his friends from when he was young are Catholic. He says at our age (22), they are all getting married! I think that seems a bit early. I'm not saying it never works out - but you've really got to know yourself by then. At age 22 - you have so much more to learn and you can grow and change so much!!
 
iheartthisthread said:
I think being married is over-rated. Been there done that. I'm pretty content with the way things are going for me right now. Been with this one for just over 3 years so far. There has been no talk of getting married at all. At least not yet.
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Same here. once you've done it, it's cool, but after that first time, it's like just living with someone is good enough for me. Although, I'd get married for the tax breaks. :D
 
P A said:
What does true, everlasting, passionately romantic love (proximately) have to do with one's personal finances, their private property, small tax breaks, shiny rocks, churches, limousine processions, friends&family, hotel/dining hall afterparties, foolish looking pseudo-Victorian dresses, equally absurd/antiquated double-breasted jackets, &c? True, not every wedding contains the standard elements, but most of them certainly do (in the Western world, that is); and if one's wedding does not feature all or most of these ludicrous adornments, what is left? The vows and the friends, and maybe the booze? If so, why bother calling it a 'wedding'? At any rate, can't two mature, responsible adults commit themselves to one another for the remainder of their respective existences without all of those things present? Even without the church, limousines, and whatnot, the whole enterprise just seems so melancholy and synthetic - and that's not even broaching the probability of divorce.
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yes, two mature and responsible adults can commit themselves to one another in less traditional fashions and with or without the pomp and pagentry; although if you are going to strip tradition and celebration from the affair for the purposes you stated above; why not celebrate thanksgiving without turkey, football and alcohol? christmas and birthdays without gifts?

...kytnism...:|
 
I think the problem is with people wanting to court too early, or not getting to know the other person truly before they get married. I also think that people are scared to leave a relationship, even though there are so many problems that will not get worked out, so much TRUE INCOMPATIBILITY.
 
kytnism said:
yes, two mature and responsible adults can commit themselves to one another in less traditional fashions and with or without the pomp and pagentry
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Well, that's only half the point. Semi-arbitrary sociocultural practices should, IMHO, be tolerated and encouraged only inasmuch as they serve a clear purpose and/or cause no detriment. Divvying up one's finances, sharing property, and purchasing shiny rocks (many of which are produced by the most inhumane methods imaginable) fastened upon bands of mineral alloys are all foolish, needless behaviors that have no direct pertinence to the actual circumstances in which they occur.

why not celebrate thanksgiving without turkey, football and alcohol?
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Sure.

christmas and birthdays without gifts?
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+1. Absolutely. Fuck Hallmark Holidays and all the disgusting fanfare and wasteful expenditure that accompanies them.
 
i couldnt agree more.

call me old fashioned and perhaps even contradictory; but i do appreciate the idea of exchanging vows with someone i deeply love and cherish; that i am prepared to commit my life to in the company of the people we love the most and who have shared in our life journey.

...kytnism...:|
 
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