The state of marriage today - what do you think?

[Samadhi]

^ This. I don't want to get into a debate about the institution of marriage...it's quite a personal subject. I am married, we had a ceremony, we vowed our love to each other in front of our most beloved people and had a fucking great party afterwards. We didn't break our bank by any stretch to do this; it was well within our own financial means, and honestly, fuck it, it was a WONDERFUL day, one that i'll remember for the rest of my life. My marriage is rad, because we work on it every day - it's not perfect, but who the hell wants perfect. We disagree, we talk, we argue smart and have grown to know each other's communication style.

I have been married before, but given that my ex-husband potentially peruses bluelight, I have maintained that I won't disrespect it by discussing my previous marriage on here. One thing I will say is that time provides a lot of perspective, and i can say with a decent amount of certainty that we are both far more happy now than we were with each other, and I wish him the best.

 

[PriestTheyCalledHim]

I think people aren't getting to know the person they are marrying until after the fact.

I agree this is NOT a good thing.

Samadhi I'm glad you didn't spend a lot on a wedding or "break the bank" as you wrote. I have friends who are married or who are getting married and the amount of money they could have saved by being less extravagant or not going all out would have been enough to buy a small house.

I'm not married or partnered to anyone man or woman but if I were to get married I'd want a simple ceremony for family and close friends, and going out to a very nice dinner after for a small group of people. The money my partner, now wife or husband would have spent on an expensive wedding would go to something important.

 

[Noodle]

I want to get married one day.



...still prepared to be single forever though.

 

[tackyspiral]

i am 23 and considering marrying my bf this thread is very interesting to me...
i am 4 months pregnant with his child and i love him but i have only been with him for 10 months and i have to admit i am nervous about "tying the knot"

 

[LuGoJ]

I think people aren't getting to know the person they are marrying until after the fact.

This sounds about right.

Most of my friends who have gotten divorced fall into this category. A good portion got married because they didn't use a rubber, were pressured by their parents or just felt like they had to because they had been going out for a few years. I think it's also a personality issue, people that have issues compromising and just knowing when to shut their mouth will have trouble.

I got married after going out with my wife for 7 years(lived together 5), only then did we feel like we knew each other well enough to make this commitment.

 

[tackyspiral]

^ makes me think i should put off marriage for a bit then....

 

[Lysis]

The only time I really had anxiety (well, except for job-related anxiety) is the morning after getting married. I had this overwhelming feeling of being trapped. It was the weirdest thing. It didn't hit me until the next morning after I woke up. Probably shoulda known it wasn't going to last. :D I think deep down I knew I was going to outgrow him, which is exactly what happened. He stayed in the same job, his only stories and life experiences were high school stories, and I wanted to experience things and grow. He wanted to remain the same, and so I outgrew him on several levels.

I am so glad I never had kids with him or anyone for that matter. I watch my friend and how he has to deal with his ex-GF. I don't really think they have it that bad, but he has the kids and he can't ever do anything.

 

[MyFinalRest]

There clearly some sort of psycho-sociological malfunction in our society, and nothing in popular culture is helping it for sure. I don't really understand it, but people lack the necessary character that would enable them fit together with someone else. It's a selfish, possibly narcissistic world.

It's not contraceptive that's been the real difference - it's a change in attitudes. Contraceptives never turned me away from having the greater appreciation for life-long relationships. I never felt like, wow...I can do chicks and not get them pregnant...I'm never gonna get married!

People have given up on it. Everyone says that you can't be "in love with Love" but you gotta love Love in order to understand what it takes to hold down a life long realtionship. Just make sure youre not being delusional and getting with someone who isn't good to you, and likewise, if you can't be good to someone - stay single and far away from everybody else!

 

[64tf]

I got divorced back in January. Let's see if I can comment on this without a huge out pouring of butt hurt.

I don't think divorce is something most people take lightly. I never looked at it as an easy option. My ex and I REALLY didn't want it to go that way. We tried for 2 years, and those were a really hard 2 years. Divorce law in the US is nutty and outdated. I think a lot of things are changing, and marriage is a little behind the curve on evolving to meet new social norms.

 

[MyFinalRest]

People simply ain't reasonable. That's the word to describe it - reasonable. Can be people be reasonable in their expectations from partners, can they be reasonable in their demands, can they be reasonable with how much they are willing to do for their partner? Relationships are too lopsided with one person somehow taking advantage of the other. Sometimes it evens out with both partners equally taking advantage of each other, but that's not a good relationship!

You got to be loving, caring, sharing, and all that stuff but when you can't do these things in a reasonable parameter, shit is going to be fucked up.

People don't talk about their feelings in even a half-way honest way if at all. You got to give people a chance before you divorce them, but if they blow your concerns off and don't try to resolve anything it's good to get out of it. You better address concerns quickly and be very up front about it. You can't expect to not speak up and for shit to magically fix itself.