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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

I'm about to kill myself, seriously.

Hey thanks for the info LilbabiC, much appreciated. It may be something worth checking into.

And again, thanks everyone, bluelight is the best. You'all basically saved my life, saved me from killign myself.

Everythi\ng I have given bluelight over the years as a member and a moderator really did come back to me in a positive way. Karma truly does exist. It is jsut important to pay it forwards.

<3 Mike
 
Keep paying it forward out there in the world, too, Mike. I was thinking about you leading groups in rehab and all that you have to offer with your experiences. You can be a force of very positive change for others and help yourself at the same time. Pouring all the frustration and despair you feel out to a group helps others that are feeling the same way not feel so alone and ashamed. The power of getting together and sharing never ceases to amaze me. You have so much strength and courage. Hope today goes well.<3
 
Hang in there brokendownpalace. I was in the same situation a few years ago, it will get better. Just focus on making it through each day, eventually things should slowly start improving. When I quit drugs things actually got worse for me for awhile, before they got better. So hang in there and keep your head up, you'll make it through to the other side. Just think where you'll be 5 years from now, probably a lot better off. If this is what it takes to get you off opiates then so be it. Stay off of them and keep fighting everyday for a better life. Hang in there, things will get better!
 
Thanks guys. Much appreciated, your kind words.

And herb- I enjoyed leading groups at the rehab. I'm; normally a shy person but it helped force me out ofmy shell, as well as addressing a number of personal issues I had in a group setting. It really helped. The other patients said I was a fantastic group leader and were amazed at how much shit I have been thru in my life, and they used it as motivation for themselves. The counselors even took notice of my diligence regarding leading groups and said I could should even consider possibly pursuing a career in addiction counseling. It really helped boost my self esteem.
 
whats good Brokedown Palace. hopefully you're making it. I'm from Millburn NJ, lost my scholarship to Rutgers:Newark (delicious BT projects nearby,) i've sat in essex county (le greenmonster) for 6 months after oding with a brick less the 5 bags i shot. There's the Goodwill Rescue Mission right there by Rutgers Newark, and theres another by where you're from in Morristown. I've lurked this forum for infinite and am kinda familiar w/ your deal. I cleaned up without the help of my family (they make infinite, but owe me nothing - i've stolen/burglarized/gta'd them etc.) AA/NA in that area is real strong. I'd suggest it. bluelight is awesome and provides great support, but I donno if you can find a solution to your problem (spiritual malady that necessitates drug use b/c it warps our perception of reality that it seems like the only viable solution...but it is not) thats as effective as working the steps. thats just my experience. i'm gonna email you my cell and id love it if you hit me up. You'll probably help me more than i can help you...funny how easy it is to get caught up in luxury problems (money, women, vehicles, education) when i used to hop train to nyc to panhandle buy rigs, walk to the edge of newark from broad st station dopesick after waking up in the rescue mission to boost 60 items to hawk to the bodegas on southorangeave to get my fix of at 9am (after walking for three hours,) hop train to millburn to burglarize ex-girlfriends/friends/parents residences, army crawl into fathers bedroom with kitchen knife between teeth in case he woke up b/c i wasnt going to have him stop me from getting his money/car keys, sleep in abandoned buildings, get pistol whipped while copping in seth boyden, etc. I'm in St. Louis now, so i cant offer the couch surfing abilities - but hit me up tho bro. i've been to like every rehab in NJ, methadone cliniked w/ 14 mg a day alprazolam habit plus crack if $ avail, i know the deal. It can be overcome. Its hard to do, but once you can realize that people like us should be dead or in jail, and be grateful for the problems we have...things get better - or different (its a choice of perception.) I'm sending u an email right now; Seriously - call. I'm not gonna try to sell you on the steps if you dont wanna hear it heh i'd love to just chat and if i can be helpful awesome if not we can just bullshit.

-lm
 
bojangles still hasn't gotten back to me.. So now back to the streets tonight with no fuckign money again, andon top of that my friend is threatening stuicide and she won't answer her phone/email/facebook and i can't even afford the train to go out to where she lives to track her down.

Fuck i hate my life! FUUUUCK!!UIO@@JIOgh
 
OP: That's a fuck of alot of shit to deal with man. Jail is bad enough but having to deal with cancer, chemo and loved ones dying around you at the same time is insane. No fuckin cunt has the right to call you a pussy because only a real tough bastard would be able to get through all that without killing themselves. I can't fault you at all for being suicidal at times because that is just way too much for anyone to deal with. So your one tough old cunt and don't listen to the likes of that trash slagging you off.

I have mental issues as well as chronic pain to deal with as well. Between bipolar disorder and trigeminal neuralgia (also known as the suicide disease how lovely is that 8( ) i can get really down on myself and i think of ending it all alot more then i admit to most people. Hell even earlier this week i had real bad suicidal idealization because i felt like i had absolutely nothing in my life and felt like i was going to be some sad old fucker who ends up dying alone in some flop house. Thankfully i have snapped out of it. I can sort of relate to your problems because i know just how badly one problem fuels the other and i can only imagine how bad going through chemo must be.

Feel free to PM me anytime you wanna talk at all. Keep your head up man :)
 
Thanks PA. Luckily my cancer is in remission as of last year so that's good. Going thru chemo and a stem cell transplant was horrible though, i wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I just need money, man.. If I had money I could go spend the night in the hotel or someshit but i'm flat broke til the 3rd when i get my measely disability check. I hate sleeping on the streets. I can come to my mom's in the day but can't sleep here due to the dumbass rules from the housing association which runs the senior housing community she lives at.

I just don't have it in my to panhandle anymore. i can't do it. I just need santa to drop some money outta the sky for me and my mom. I hate being poor on top of all of thse other problems.

people probably think I am complaining a lot but it is honestly a shit ton of stuff to be dealing with. At least I haven't touched abag of dope in over a month and change, though.
 
Stick in there BDP, I don't know you but we have mutual friend and I know you are a great guy, If I had spare money I would send you some, I wish you all the best in your recovery and hope that it is as painless as possible.

Have you tried dumpster diving, not literally in dumpsters, but walking down the streets and seeing if anyone has thrown away anything in their porch or out on the street. Or maybe advertising your services to walk dogs or something, it could get you a bit extra money.

Take care man, from what I know you are one of the good ones, look after yourself.
 
Thanks Mugz, that means a lot to me. I got a job doing construction but i don't nkow exactly when it's going to start. Hopfeully this week.

ON that note, I am starting a charity for ME, a young struggling white kid who's down on his luck.

Western union works, PM me for details.s

Thanks.
 
Can't you stay up at night and then go in the day to your mother's residence and sleep during the day when you can visit?
 
Perhaps you could get a job working nights and sleep at your mothers during the day until you get some cash together.
 
I need an under the table job since I have felonies on my record, plus i have some active warrants. I got a job doing construction from a friend and he also offered me a place to live, it just wont be for another week or two which sucks.

And bojanglse offered me a spare room for a bit but now he doesn't reply to my messages.. go figure.
 
BrokedownPalace said:
I need an under the table job since I have felonies on my record, plus i have some active warrants. I got a job doing construction from a friend and he also offered me a place to live, it just wont be for another week or two which sucks.

And bojanglse offered me a spare room for a bit but now he doesn't reply to my messages.. go figure.
Click to expand...

The response to this thread is awesome.
I wish you all the best BDP.

I presume you know Bo can't reply to PM's cause of their greenlighter status? (sorry if I sound dumb).

Bojangles2.0 said:
Hey man I just sent an email like 5 minutes ago! Sorry about the wait I got held up at the office for a bit. =]

-Bo
Click to expand...

So did he actually make contact?

Anyhow, I hope you manage to get things sorted.
 
bp-would love to hear from you. while support is great, ultimately we have to take the initiative to overcome. if you wanna call me pls do. this may seem harsh, and i am completely empathetic with your situation, but bojangles/yourfamily/whomever will not take care of this for you - YOU have to. People will always let us down. Until i was able to stop focusing on situations (that were ultimately my fault due to my substance abuse and a few facilitating factors i had no control of -childhood abuse, hereditary predisposition to alcoholism, history of mental illness in family) that seemed overwhelming and unsolvable, stopped feeling sorry for myself and playing the victim (not to discount the severity of what you have gone through in your life,) and looking to people to "save me," because the world owed me a place to live, a job, a girlfriend, etc. (reality of the situation is i gave all of that stuff away every time i plunged the spike into my arm and now it was time to deal with the consequences of my actions) I was unable to overcome my situation.

Sadly for me, i had to be cut off from all who had the capacity to soften the blow...so long as i had access to someone to latch onto and suck their lifeforce until they could no longer stand it (i realize now this is what i was doing, at the time i thought i was just utilizing good people for assistance.)

That was the only catalyst for me to change. Get over all the shit (real or imagined, my fault or freak happenstance) and take my life back.

Mebbe this isn't the case for you, i certainly hope not. Blaming people for letting you down is a waste of emotional energy, and a distraction to what really needs to be taken care of.
 
lilmizer said:
bp-would love to hear from you. while support is great, ultimately we have to take the initiative to overcome. if you wanna call me pls do. this may seem harsh, and i am completely empathetic with your situation, but bojangles/yourfamily/whomever will not take care of this for you - YOU have to. People will always let us down. Until i was able to stop focusing on situations (that were ultimately my fault due to my substance abuse and a few facilitating factors i had no control of -childhood abuse, hereditary predisposition to alcoholism, history of mental illness in family) that seemed overwhelming and unsolvable, stopped feeling sorry for myself and playing the victim (not to discount the severity of what you have gone through in your life,) and looking to people to "save me," because the world owed me a place to live, a job, a girlfriend, etc. (reality of the situation is i gave all of that stuff away every time i plunged the spike into my arm and now it was time to deal with the consequences of my actions) I was unable to overcome my situation.

Sadly for me, i had to be cut off from all who had the capacity to soften the blow...so long as i had access to someone to latch onto and suck their lifeforce until they could no longer stand it (i realize now this is what i was doing, at the time i thought i was just utilizing good people for assistance.)

That was the only catalyst for me to change. Get over all the shit (real or imagined, my fault or freak happenstance) and take my life back.

Mebbe this isn't the case for you, i certainly hope not. Blaming people for letting you down is a waste of emotional energy, and a distraction to what really needs to be taken care of.
Click to expand...

Not trying to be a dick, but how well do you know Brokedownpalace's life / background ? I'm glad you are no longer personally hiding from areas that stopped you from maturing into a man. But what's good for one, is often not good for another, ESPECIALLY in a crisis state. You said justttt enough in regards too "hoping you are wrong / maybe this isn't the case for you" to probably keep a lot of heat off your post. It doesn't cut it for me , I think you got pushed out of whomever was enabling you finally (as you said) and now that you've had to live you saw this thread as a great chance to flex nuts on someone who is in a less fortunate situation.
If I'm wrong , so be it , and I know for sure you won't admit I'm right - but ask yourself honestly did you write that response to help BP or to make it known what he was doing wrong and how you did it right when you were pushed back against the wall?
 
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