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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

I'm about to kill myself, seriously.

BrokedownPalace

BrokedownPalace

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Feb 26, 2005
Messages
3,762
Location
Planet Telex
I don't know what to do anymore. I just did 35 days in rehab, and did spectacular. I was running groups, helping others, and felt great when I left. I'm seeing a new psych who put me on suboxone maintenance and adjusted my other medications. After all that, I don't know what to do. My whole family doesn't give a shit about me, they wont' even offer me a place to stay for a little. I'm homeless again. I have no friends left, (people who I thought were my friends). The only few people who even OFFERED to help arep eople in fucked up life situations who cannot actually help, which is fine. But at least they care.

My family would rather me be back on the streets than help me. I have warrants for probation, so I cannot get into most shelters and since I am on suboxone i can't go to halfway houses or other long term rehabs. I haven't done 1 bag of heroin since going to rehab. Now when I am truly trying to better my life nobody gives a shit. They'd rather me be on the streets or dead.

I'm so upset right now, my bi-polar and anxiety is serious right now, I don't know what to do. I'm at my mom's but she wants me out. I have NO money, nowhere to live.

I might as well just go rob somebody, go back to the street, and shoot a bunch of dope and coke and fucking kill myself. Everyone will be happier with me like this anyone.
 
Don't know what to say other than DON'T DO IT.

How about going back to the rehab place and asking to help you out with that. Don't let go man, you have already accomplished something and are getting on the momentum to get your life back on track. I'm sure the people at the rehab centre will be able to guide you in some manner. Desperate times call for desperate measures.

Whatever you do, don't kill yourself man. Someone will be able to help, even check the local churches, I have heard that some do take people in short-term.
 
What kind of warrants do you have out for you? You are going to have to take care of them eventually and now may be the best time. Jail is a good place to be in initial sobriety because it will make it much more difficult for you to relapse (assuming you don't have a ton of money to buy jail dope). Some states will let you continue your suboxone treatment as well.

I know this isn't the ideal plan but this legal stuff will follow you around until you take care of it and if you don't have any other place to go maybe now is a good time.

I might as well just go rob somebody, go back to the street, and shoot a bunch of dope and coke and fucking kill myself. Everyone will be happier with me like this anyone.
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What kind of sense does that make? You are lamenting the fact no one cares about you because of past dealings so you want to do even more shit to harm your legal and social status?

If you are truly trying to get on with your life like you claim then you need to start taking care of the consequences from the mistakes you have already made.
 
Hey man, your not thinking straight.
Well done for completing rehab!
I know things look dark and hopeless at the moment, but believe me it will get better, it wont be easy but anything worth doing is hard work.
I get those thoughts too, but after a good meal and sleep I feel a bit better, just take it one day at a time...baby steps.
Usually as one door closes another will open.
Hang in there man.
PM me is you wanna chat?
 
That sounds really tough :(

I'm not familiar with the US, so I'm not sure what specific advice I can give. You said most shelters wont let you in - does that mean there are a few that will?

It's often said but very true - there is nothing permanent in life except change. There have been times in my life when I've felt hopeless, that there was no way out, or that my future was set in stone. Each time I was wrong, and I never could have predicted what happened next.

I do think that there will be a time in your future where you're happy and glad to be alive - in ways you perhaps can't even imagine right now.

There is a way out of this - it might not be straightforward or easy but it is possible. You have a lot to be proud of - staying of heroin for this long, and given your tough circumstances - is a great achievement. Regardless of whether or not you stay clean, your choice to try and do so, take the steps to put this in motion and get this long off it - shows a real strength of character, persistence and resilience.

You said rehabs wont take you because you're on maintenance - could you stop taking suboxone and go back to rehab? I know this isn't an ideal choice - but if it's that or your life, perhaps it's worth considering.

I wish you all the best <3
 
If you were running groups and what not then you sound serious about recovery. So if it was me personally, I would try to find a local NA meeting and go share what you told us right here. Often times they can lead you in the right direction or help you find a place to stay. Don't worrry about being on suboxone because I'm on sub and go to NA.

That might be something you don't want to do, but I really think it can help you a lot. You always meet someone who had it really bad and can help you through stuff like this. I mean you've made it this far it would drive me crazy to see you give up now. When your mom says she wants you out what is her reason for it? You just got out of rehab and now shes MAD? She should be fucking thankful if anything.

Is there anyway you can rationalize with her? Maybe find a way to build trust with her?
That sounds like a real tough situation but god man, you're OFF DOPE. This is suppose to be the part of your life where things get better not worse. Just keep in mind its the drugs that have caused all this in the first place so going back isn't going to fix anything. I know you want to give up and kill yourself but PLEASE just hang in there man.. it will be SO WORTH IT if you can just get through this part of your life. Theres been so many times in the past I've wanted to kill myself, a couple times I actually tried, and I look back now and it was me just taking the lazy way out.

You got to FIGHT. Tell yourself you REFUSE to put up with this garbage anymore. Promise yourself you'll do whatever it takes to get yourself situated and healthy, living with people who accept you.

Just please don't kill yourself man I hate hearing that stuff. Its bad enough you had to go through what you just did but to get out and not have a place to stay is absurd. We live in one fucked up world thats for sure but I really think you can make it if you want. I don't think it will be easy, but I DO think it will be more than worth it if you try.

Maybe someone else has better advice for you. I'd gladly take you in if you lived by me but I'm guessing you don't live around NJ.

-Bo
 
Oh shit, well thats good news because I'm on sub too and live in NJ. Let me go pm you right now..
 
I can't live with my Mom because she lives in a retirement community and isn't allowed to have overnight guests for more than 7 days a year and I've exhausted that. I know nothing is permanent, but I just don't knwo what to do anymore. Im thinking about waiting to get my check on the 3rd and head west ( or possibly new york to where my friend lives) and start over. I have warrants, which I know I need to take care of , but its so hard to turn myself in. I just did 5 months this year, then 35 daus in rehab, now probably another 9 months in jail. I'd rather do 9 months in rehab. Maybe my probation officer can help me. I will voluntarily turned myself in and voluntarilly completed rehab so hopefully that will help in my favor

I'm just looking out for some help guys. Some support. And I appreciate. I've been a member/ a moderator on thie site since 2005 and helpe countless individuals and rarely ever asked for anything back. And now I am, I need help Thank you for your advice and words so far. Please keep them coming, its heliping a bit already..

Much love <3 to you guys.

Bluelight is the best.
 
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We've all been there! At least, I assume most people who frequent the dark side have. I've been at the point where I've wanted to kill myself, pretty much tried and found out I don't even have the balls to kill myself. Now that's a low place to be. BUT DON'T GIVE IN TO IT. PM me, please! You seem to be doing so much better than me right now, so giving up would be dumb, if anybody should be giving up, it's me. And I'm hanging on... somehow.
 
I don't have a lot to add,but just wanted to chime in,and tell you how well you've done for taking such important steps to better your life already.That takes a lot of strength and guts.

Like most of us here,I've been suicidal a few times,and if I can give you any advice,it would be to sleep on it first.Just wait 24 hours and see how you feel.In the meantime,keep talking to us all here.

There are plenty of people here that care about you and are willing to help,and the fact that you're reaching out here for help is awesome.Please take care and know that we're on your side <3
 
BrokedownPalace said:
I can't live with my Mom because she lives in a retirement community and isn't allowed to have overnight guests for more than 7 days a year and I've exhausted that. I know nothing is permanent, but I just don't knwo what to do anymore. Im thinking about waiting to get my check on the 3rd and head west ( or possibly new york to where my friend lives) and start over. I have warrants, which I know I need to take care of , but its so hard to turn myself in. I just did 5 months this year, then ayear in rehab, now probably another 9 months in jail. I'd rather do 9 months in rehab. Maybe my probation officer can help me. I will voluntarily turned myself in so hopefully that will help in my favor.

I'm just looking out for some help guys. Some support. And I appreciate. I've been a member/ a moderator on thie site since 2005 and helpe countless individuals and rarely ever asked for anything back. And now I am, I need help Thank you for your advice and words so far. Please keep them coming, its heliping a bit already..

Much love <3 to you guys.

Bluelight is the best.
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Hey man I just tried pm'm you and bluelight is giving me a message that says "you need to wait 180minutes between messages". No idea what that rule is about but we will need to find another way to communicate (maybe you can pm me your email?).

The good news is we live within 30 minutes of each other. In fact I work in union a lot which is only a short drive away from where you are.

So I WILL HELP YOU anything you need you got it man! I got a tiny little shack but I have an extra bed you can crash on. At some point if you really want to change things around you will have to turn yourself in for those warrants. But I'm not going to try to talk you into it or anything. I've already served time many years ago for drugs so I know how much jail sucks.

We're both on sub, both trying to stay off drugs, so lets get in touch man shoot me your email or something. Networking with people is always a smart thing because even once you get out of jail you will probably need a place to stay, and some type of plan to stay away from drugs.

Also, my best friend is bipolar so I get along with most people pretty well. I've been through enough shit in my own life so I don't judge people at all. If you want to talk more just send me your email!

Thanks man - Rob

ps. just figured I'd mention this too but I do webdesign/marketing for a living so if you need to get some type of side hussle going on for yourself I can definitely help you out. I don't have a job I actually go to, I work at my home and do all the marketing myself. Its really VERY easy to do too so fuck if you want to learn some skills maybe it might keep you motivated. I can teach you how to build websites, teach you all the valuable stuff businesses don't know about marketing/lead generation, you can set up your own biz and have a side hussle for when you get out of jail.

Only reason I'm mentioning this is because its the one thing that has personally kept me on the right track. Its fun, it pays better than most jobs I've ever had, stress free, its really the perfect type of job for a recovering addict if you think about it. Anyways enough babbling just shoot me your email bro.
 
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Hey man, my email is [email protected]

I so so so much appreciate your generosity man, I can't even tell you. I'm easy to get along with, and not too crazy as long as I don't get provoked by certain people. We'll talk more, just shoot me an email.

Again, thank you SO much man.

Mike
 
BrokedownPalace said:
Hey man, my email is [email protected]

I so so so much appreciate your generosity man, I can't even tell you. I'm easy to get along with, and not too crazy as long as I don't get provoked by certain people. We'll talk more, just shoot me an email.

Again, thank you SO much man.

Mike
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Perfect! I got to call someone back real fast then the second I get off the phone I'll send my info over to your email (give me about 20-30mins).

KEEP YOUR HEAD UP bro will talk to you in a bit.

-Rob

ps. Thanks everyone else for the positive comments I really appreciate it! Can only hope someone would do the same thing for me if I was in the OP's situation. =]
 
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