I've, in my own battles, interpreted "free-will" as will- the way, received freely. It has nothing to do with choice. Some traditional thoughts say we have already made the choice, and this is true. Just because I'm basically going to say that it is predetermined, doesn't mean we weren't, in some sense that we can't properly imagine at all times, now, those who made the choice... He/she/that, that made it. It's a matter of perception, and interpretation, to find this truth. And still, there are other ways of looking at it, but what I can't stop seeing, is that we are part of what we are in. Although we might exhibit very complex behavior as a species, and within ourselves, and thoughts, we will always reflect. How can we stop circling a sun... And that, being moved around with the galaxy?
I have also had synchronicities that have left me to delve very deeply into this. Sometimes the number 23 is involved. Lately, my emotional attachment has loosened, or something, in some way. Maybe I numbed myself to it, but I was very passionate with my seeing of it, and what was revealed through searching... passionate to find it, to reveal it in so much important in my life. I began to see it, and hear voices, around the age of 20-21. It was right around 2003. A girl named Alisha was highly involved in my life, not that she was really highly involved, living four-five hours away... But she was always on my mind. I also started to have excruciating pain, around that time, localized to my face, jaw, ear, eyes. I can't really explain but at times I had felt that my face was being crucified. It was non-stop, for at least 7 years in total (Almost, non-stop.), but I found ways to compensate. Some involved releasing pressure from the trigeminal nerve, that runs through the jaw joint, which was inflamed, by use of a removable splint, that restructured my jaw. Misdiagnosis.
Skip forward, some few years later, after finding another girl, and what happened with her ending... I investigate, delving into an obsession that I had developed, of adding character placement together, numbering names and anything I could, or would. With this, I found that the girl I was involved with, when I began to see the number, before, that her name summed to 23. She had been server number 23 at a restaurant, along with so many other things I've probably forgotten, or have buried.
Around the same time (It was a rather dark, and bright, bright time), I reflected on the fact that up to this point, I had had four "relationships" that I had invested myself at all into. I wrote these names down, and then noticed something. If I take the first letter, of each first name, I could spell the word "Mask". Number-wise, using the method that I favored, a sum of 92 could be found for the names, which matched a number of elements in some ordering, by some interpretation... and I made a big deal out of that, too (all big and not, except for one). But 92/4=23, as well. Syllables in all four names, full names, come to 23. I was sort of into the 12/21/2012 stuff, for years, and the relationships even reflect, with "23", this date. One example is at a breakup, of my last relationship, 2300 days were left until 12/21/2012.
As of right now, I've started to take a lot more control of my life (but, control?). For years, I couldn't find independence. Maybe for me, 12/21/2012 was a round point when I finally found a way to support myself. Maybe more than that, but I am not writing anything, if I have anything in mind.
I was born 23 days from Independence Day for the U.S.A. Mother, me. This year, 23 years after the hottest recorded year, we are that hot again, coming soon, and a popular celebration in my city might not take place because the fields of grass are crispy. It began in 1982, 23 days after my birth. Conner Prairie. Conner, John- A settler of my home town, Connersville. Drought. It may or may not happen. Conner has something to do with "dog/wolf", in it's meaning.
Alisha, the one to have a sum of 23 for this name-"Alisha", also shared my mother's maiden name, Finch, before being married recently. I had asked her to marry me, in a message that I set to send, coincidentally, on 12/21/2004. I was on the tail end of a mushroom trip. It was 5:30 A.M., or so. I knew what I wanted, but when it came time, and I had forgotten I had sent the message, perhaps, she called and I couldn't answer. It had been 6 months since I sent the message. I was still suffering, with no known cause. I was living with my parents. I had no job.
I told her there were other things for us. She had left a voicemail... excited, and hoped it was true- that I wanted this. I still to this day hardly grasp how crazy I must have been. At her, I've fathomed, it might have been perfect. Instead of "Mask", it'd simply be "ask". The one I did, ask... *le sigh*. Sometimes I think I did it out of spite, but I was justified by my state at the time, I think, anyways. For her she had just heard the message. For me it had been 6 months. Long story, but anyways, she's now with someone... we remained in good spirits with each other, I think... but she's with someone now, and her last name also has a sum of 23. With this marriage, she now has a full name (number) sum of the only girl after the four that I found myself invested in, 159- which in roman numerals, I found interesting, is CLIX. This one came 203 weeks, and ended 203 weeks from 12/21/2012 (I was born 203 days from the end of the year, from my mother). She was the first one to hit me, like Alisha did... Or something. I can't describe it really to my satisfaction Trying...
We practiced divination. I asked questions, and so did she. One she asked, was who are you/what are you, asking me back the questions I asked her, to ask for me. A voice told me I was her husband, that she was my wife. I doubt it- what the voice told me. Because I want it. She was something else. So much more than I was expecting, when I went to meet her. I wasn't ready to feel that way, so strongly, so fast. I wasn't ready. Plus, she was a stripper, and whatnot.
Now, much into the future, a week after I went out and paid for a prostitute, she posts pictures of herself on facebook, that look like... (not that I'm calling her a prostitute for it.).
But I found, that she has a name sum the same as my mother, for full name, if she were in fact my wife. Many ways, the matrices that I find, especially in those girls that I have naturally invested myself into, or wanted to (did, anyhow, mentally), reflect my mother. Names I came to denote as "Mask", average of which, Alisha, shares my mother's maiden name, Finch. Another way, the total of the four, a higher sum than the method coming to 92, of 227, I found resonated with my mother's birthday, of 2/27. I can play with that number and find 22/7, the 203rd day of the year (and "Pi", aproximately, to stop there), and as I have said, I was born with 203 to go, ...and 9/2 was one way of writing the date I could cut the ending of the four, when I ended with Marilyn, and the reversal of that 2/9, by one way of writing, was a date when she had a lung collapse. She was in the hospital for a week, including Valentines day. Alisha was born on Valentines day.
I sort of forget where I'm at sometimes, writing this. The way I have seen it, through, it has been rather... strange. But what am I expecting?
Uhh, so my mom, and the girl I met after the four, Donna (pictured)- if I had taken a different path, perhaps, have one matching sum of 184, which is 2 to the 3rd power multiplied by 23, 8x23. I didn't connect it, until her ,that my mom had this in her name. I had seen the 184, but I didn't think to divide by 23 back when I did. I guess I had to meet it with more emotion. I found these numbers, and I don't think I saw her again. I saw how perfectly it fit together, as it was ripped apart.
The story continues, but I'm alone, and have been. I can't see it any other way. I found out a year after her that I had food allergies, and by removing milk from my diet, I conquered most of the pain I had been experiencing. The chronic facial pain that I was fighting, went away. I still had a sore throat, but thought that was normal. It turned out I was allergic to more food. Exposure to chemicals (mercury), perhaps, led me to become allergic to even more (food and chemicals), over time. At points, I have felt like I needed a mask, but it could have other meanings, I guess, if it means anything. Thomas, my last name, has another name for it... "Mask", oddly.
So, the connection to my mother. Primal. A natural way to go. Milk, the first allergen discovered, and the most harmful- It caused ear infections throughout my life, before the allergy got to this level in it's causing of symptoms. These would happen chronically through my childhood. They led to a tumor in my right ear, which required a couple surgeries to remove, and reconstruct. A tube, stuck in my left ear for 17 years, or something, supposed to come out on it's own in 2 but inflammation in my ear kept it lodged in, causing even more problems, but solving one, finally fell out, four months after giving up milk. The pain, which was fixed for the most part, had been all around my mouth/face.. but I could barely talk, or didn't want to, or smile, much of the time, when I had it. It's like I'm made to pay attention to all these forms of communication... I have felt. To suffer them. The issues with my ear, and my mouth, face, and with these characters that fall on pages, or boxes on the internet, and numbers. Messages are everywhere, if you can read them, or are made to, or fall in with them, and everything.
Just like my failures's showing order, and as I said before with the one, that as it came together in a way, it fell apart in another, my diseases have revealed structure, in meaning. I've even reveled in them, I would say, for this reason... And find myself silently doing so, without my approval. Perhaps because they give me something to hold onto, and as much as my mind has (seemed to have) left it, my body needs that, it seems.
Sometimes I feel, despite how much I try, I'm a machine. But there, I say I am, but I'm also just me. That machines are also a natural part of this universe... that by nature, everything it contains would have reflection of it, including machines, and computing... That it would be only natural for an interpretation to fall on it (the universe) as an elaborate machine, and perhaps something else, and something else...
That you are just experiencing yourself. Blah blah blah blah blah.
She/they made me feel like/think I was Jesus (or a "robot" "mistaken" for "Jesus", by himself, or).