And once you get a case of the fuck its and start drinking heavily everyday, it's really difficult to stop those feelings until something bad happens to you. So when you're saying "fuck it I'm worthless and I'm just gonna die drunk" just remember that in a couple days or weeks or whatever, you most likely will get too drunk and make some kind of fool of yourself. Those horrible feelings of regret the next day just aren't worth it. So maybe we all just need to think of the regret we'll soon feel if we don't put the bottle down
I've run into these kinds of consequences before, and the rational decision to make would be to quit drinking. Unfortunately, for me and for a great many alcoholics, it also reinforces the behavior as a need for escape. I made a fool of myself when drunk, I drink more to cope with the resulting shame. As I do this, I know for damn sure what I'm doing is foolish and irrational. But it's the almighty "FUCK IT" that has learned to take charge above all, especially after so many times, because the buildup becomes tremendous.
It's only after about 48 hours of sobriety, though, that I find the cycle is much easier to stop, and easier to understand from an objective point of view. Drinking then begins to feel more like a choice than a need. Then, it isn't the cravings that lure me back in so much as the constant overflow of negative thinking and melancholy, and just the conditioned response of seeking comfort in substances. Alcohol still appears to be the remedy, some kind of cure-all that nothing else has really competed with. And when in a drinking bout, any supply of alcohol always seems far too limited. No matter how much I drink, I'm never quite "there" yet. I'm always taking intent notice on how much alcohol I have left, how long it will last me, if I can remain inebriated until I fall asleep on the amount that I have, etc. It's as if my existence is as long as my last few waking hours before I pass out. Then the next day always comes and I have nothing. Right now it's morning, I drank last night, and I have nothing to drink and nothing, absolutely nothing to relieve this feeling, like there's a hole in my entire being. I cannot enjoy anything, I cannot fully exist, I can't quite feel like I'm alive, when that hole is empty. With sobriety, the reality of my life and who I am, who I've been, is clear as day. I don't drink for alcohol's sake. I drink to fill that hole, to get it out of the way, and to then exist as it seems like most everybody else manages to naturally. Leaving the house suddenly seems worthwhile, reading a book seems worthwhile, listening to music seems worthwhile, watching a movie or television show seems worthwhile. With enough alcohol in my body, it even seems like a good idea to apply for jobs and enroll back in school. My thoughts are not so rapid, and I can express them. I feel capable of being myself. Conversations are interesting and worth participating in. I can express what I really feel and think without fears and doubts piling up, and I can even make people laugh. I don't feel like a pathetic mental cripple. I don't feel like a stone, unwilling to speak or even move, and I don't have that constant nagging of wishing to be alone and/or asleep at all times.
And I'm sitting here, sober with nothing to drink and not a penny in my name, and I cannot sleep at all, and even if I could I'll just end up waking up and facing it again, sober. And I think about sleep, and how the only downside is that I still always end up waking up. And I know there's a way to never wake up again. I realize that the whole problem is being awake. And when I am awake, my goal is to cope with being awake, like it's some undesired condition. When I'm drunk, I don't feel like I'm coping with life one second at a time. It feels more like I'm enabled to live. I drink to resume living.
I don't know if this is just plain addiction, or if I'm also going crazy. I don't care if I'm going crazy. I want to get drunk so I can enjoy a book. Not so I can be overjoyed with a big group of friends at a bar. I want to get drunk so I can have a conversation, instead of being sober and a conversation is all about me trying to find a way out of it. I want to enjoy talking to someone, instead of just throwing out responses just to get through it, with each response, each spoken word, feeling like a challenge, a weight that I'm lifting off by forming the words and getting it over with, just to satisfy the other person until the next point I have to respond. I want to drink right now so I can walk down the stairs and coexist in the same room as a member of my family without feeling like I'm being crushed by thousands of pounds of pressure, that pressure being their mere presence, being in someone's company, but having to hide that anxiety so that they don't feel bad and/or mock me for it, like I'm doing something terribly wrong when I just really really want to be as alone and as unconscious as possible. I want to get drunk so I can resume feeling somewhat alive, and not existing as a fucking corpse.
just my opinion haha. I've had my share of special moments like that. something is broken in me and what you've said, eotroll, resonates with me. i even went to a state funded genius kid school. didn't help one single bit. i remember wanting to do heroine by the time i was 8. something's just wrong in my head. i come from a loving, supportive family, am reasonably attractive and none of these things has served me one bit of good. it's like i HAVE to shit on and sabotage anything that might actually be good for me. BTW it shouldn't be funny, but that bit about the chair at the pool cracked me up. i had a friend who woke up sitting up in bed with food on her face not remembering we'd done the whole post-party denny's thing. that was funny too. but if booze was all full of humor and fun i wouldn't be on this thread... i feel like i'm in a speeding car headed for a brick wall.
I'm horrible and depressed wen I haven't got or had a drink, I'm on the brink on fucking everything up, I have responsible job, and relationship but I kno if I keep drinking sooner or later someone's going to spot how bad it's become. I'm constantly tired, constantly look like shit, hate having the shakes. Jus I feel so much more alive wen under the influence,