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Not Letting Partner Booty Dance with Randoms Means being Constraining???

M

munki

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 30, 2000
Messages
625
Location
wa
I know there was a booty dancing thread here around somewhere but I couldn't find it.

So, my bf and I have been having issues lately, which has been very frustrating. He seems to have a lot of insecurity and jealousy issues towards me and a big contention is dancing.

I don't booty dance. I think its tacky and border-line cheating because in my experience it usually involves erections, etc. I dance a lot in other ways and have lots of interactions with others in a generally playful manner. I encourage this in the bf, but he thinks he should be allowed to booty dance if he wants because he doesn't "constrain" me. I really don't see any comparison! He complains that I will be having some interaction with someone, especially if it is someone of the male gender, while he is on the other side of the club being all forlorn. I guess I have a hard time dealing with this point of view because it is not my problem he is not getting lost in the music to the extent that he has to fixate on whatever I am doing. He was saying he doesn't want to feel inhibited if "a beautiful woman" wants to dance with him. I have no problem with him dancing with other women as long as it doesn't involve caresses and pelvic thrusts!

Am I being unreasonable?
 
lol he's being completely unreasonable.


How old are you two, if you dont mind me asking?
 
munki said:
I am 37 and he is 46.
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wow very surprising.


In every relationship there has to be boundaries that both agree on. If you do not both agree, there will be problems.-- The simple solution here is, stop going to night clubs. You can goto bars, lounges etc that do not involve ass shaking and grinding.

I am not jealous at all with my Wife, I let her go on the dance floor and dance with her GIRL friends. However, at a club there is always THAT guy that has to put his hands on her and make things difficult. After a while of dealing with it and feeling like I had to be fucking attached to her side, we decided to give up on clubs. To ME, clubs are more for single people, out trying to find a lay. Sure, there are times when dancing with your women is fun, but we find ways of making that happen even at little dive bars with live music. It's not full blown grinding, just some friendly dancing.

Do you guys HAVE to go to night clubs?
 
I do HAVE to go dancing. It is so vital to the health of my psyche. There is a really strong underground scene here so most of the events we go to just involve people getting down to the music, but there is always the select few who booty dance no matter what kind of music is playing.

I refuse to give up my dancing just in order to appease some insecurity he has about me paying attention to others. I would become a very angry person if I was not able to channel my energy in the positive way really getting down to the music does for me.

Its funny, he probably would not care if I was dancing closely with women, but anytime it happens to be a dood he gets really insecure. I can't help it if sometimes my dance-style may be a little more masculine at times, so I am more likely to have "dance-offs" with other guys. He just doesn't get it.

He was telling me I have a double standard because I don't allow booty dancing???!!
 
munki said:
I do HAVE to go dancing. It is so vital to the health of my psyche. There is a really strong underground scene here so most of the events we go to just involve people getting down to the music, but there is always the select few who booty dance no matter what kind of music is playing.

I refuse to give up my dancing just in order to appease some insecurity he has about me paying attention to others. I would become a very angry person if I was not able to channel my energy in the positive way really getting down to the music does for me.

Its funny, he probably would not care if I was dancing closely with women, but anytime it happens to be a dood he gets really insecure. I can't help it if sometimes my dance-style may be a little more masculine at times, so I am more likely to have "dance-offs" with other guys. He just doesn't get it.

He was telling me I have a double standard because I don't allow booty dancing???!!
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Just make it a rule that there is no contact with opposite sex's.

TBH I do get where he's coming from in the sense that dancing is often times very sensual and in order for two to dance together (touching or not), there has to be SOME type of connection (even if it's harmless).

Try to stop the dance-offs with other men, direct that towards your bf. Absolutely no touching other sexes (for both of you), and see what happens.
 
*whines* But dance-offs are fun! Girls don't generally know how to dance in that way which is conducive to that, though there are a select few. And he doesn't necessarily speak the same dance language as me. I have told him that and he finds that to be a huge "insult".

I was thinking maybe I need to let him go booty dancing somewhere, where I am NOT, so he can get his fix and feel like his ego is stroked (along with other things 8))

Its just all very annoying.
 
munki said:
*whines* But dance-offs are fun! Girls don't generally know how to dance in that way which is conducive to that, though there are a select few. And he doesn't necessarily speak the same dance language as me. I have told him that and he finds that to be a huge "insult".

I was thinking maybe I need to let him go booty dancing somewhere, where I am NOT, so he can get his fix and feel like his ego is stroked (along with other things 8))

Its just all very annoying.
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Letting him go grind up on another women isn't going to make him more secure with your relationship. -- In fact, it will probably make him more insecure some way or another..


Wish I had a clear cut answer for you, its just something you two need to sit down and really talk about. Find a happy medium. Sometimes you gotta do things you don't exactly WANT to, in order to smooth things out. I don't think not being able to have dance-offs with other men will be enough to push you over the edge :p...

Since its just us here talking, DO you have any interest in getting attention from other men???
 
Of course attention is nice, but I like to downplay the sexual side of myself to a certain extent. Would rather appear to be more androgynous, especially in regards to dancing. Being told that I am pretty/beautiful of course is always a bonus, but I am not necessarily seeking it out.

He is a handsome man, so I don't understand why he is so insecure. Maybe he needs more random compliments, especially from me. I have been upping them lately, but it still doesn't seem to be enough.
 
munki said:
Of course attention is nice, but I like to downplay the sexual side of myself to a certain extent. Would rather appear to be more androgynous, especially in regards to dancing. Being told that I am pretty/beautiful of course is always a bonus, but I am not necessarily seeking it out.

He is a handsome man, so I don't understand why he is so insecure. Maybe he needs more random compliments, especially from me. I have been upping them lately, but it still doesn't seem to be enough.
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Not to toot my horn by any means, but I am a pretty good looking guy, 6' 220, 10% bodyfat, gym rat, I have NEVER had problems getting women...BUT- if/when my own Wife starts showing the slightest interest in another guy (platonic or otherwise), all the while not giving me much attention, I do become a tad bit insecure. MOST men aren't as needy in this regard, but I think it all depends on where he feels her main focus/attention is being directed.

The only catchy part to me is the fact he's basically said he wants to dance with other women. With me, I make it clear that she's all that I want, I don't want to confuse anything; and me telling her that i'd go grind my cock up on a chicks back if she would let me, would be no good. -- This is why in my OP I said he was being unfair, though now it seems you both are looking for a little attention outside of eachother. This too can be achieved if the couple is on board with it (in extreme cases, swinging etc). I think you just need to talk with him more and try to find some common ground. Hell, maybe if he did get to grind up on some chick it would make him less un-easy when you take on your next 'dance-off'...
 
^ I agree. I think he's being manipulative, insecure and controlling to an extent, but... I also think he has a point. You want your freedom = you want to dance regardless of what he's doing. He wants his freedom = he wants to dance regardless of what you're doing. Your style is "dance offs" and not very sexual; perhaps his style is grinding and more sexual. At the end of the day, you're different people and you admitted you have different dance styles. You enjoy attention from other men (despite playing it down) and he enjoys attention from other women. You have men fucking you in their imagination, whether or not you think you're being "androgynous" and he knows that, so he wants to blow off some (essentially flirty but platonic) steam with others, too, which can be quite healthy even for monogamous couples. I think you're both being insecure, and you'll both be happier if you can bring yourself to give each other the freedom you both need. And whenever you get jealous remember who is taking you home at the end of the night :)
 
boltfan909 said:
I am not jealous at all with my Wife, I let her go on the dance floor and dance with her GIRL friends. However, at a club there is always THAT guy that has to put his hands on her and make things difficult. After a while of dealing with it and feeling like I had to be fucking attached to her side, we decided to give up on clubs. To ME, clubs are more for single people, out trying to find a lay. Sure, there are times when dancing with your women is fun, but we find ways of making that happen even at little dive bars with live music. It's not full blown grinding, just some friendly dancing.
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Totally agree on this point. I don't mind my partner going out, dancing with the girls, having fun in clubs. But I draw the line, on men having there hands on my partner and touching them while dancing. Its not very nice to think of when your partners out. I trust my gf enough to know she'd send away any sleaze, who tried to touch her.

I guess it's a bit of give and take; finding what both your boundaries are. Otherwise, it can make things a hell of a lot difficult.
 
munki, after reading your other threads, I'm wondering if maybe he is doing this to make you jealous and being vindictive? The reason I ask is because I think I remember you saying he gets angry when you go dancing and he sits there while you dance with other men? Am I remembering correctly?
 
He doesn't necessarily sit there. He is pretty mellow when we are out and about. It will just be afterwards when I have to hear about how unhappy he was.
 
munki said:
I am 37 and he is 46.
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munki said:
*whines* But dance-offs are fun! Girls don't generally know how to dance in that way which is conducive to that, though there are a select few. And he doesn't necessarily speak the same dance language as me. I have told him that and he finds that to be a huge "insult".

I was thinking maybe I need to let him go booty dancing somewhere, where I am NOT, so he can get his fix and feel like his ego is stroked (along with other things 8))

Its just all very annoying.
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Indeed it is. No offense Munki but it has to be said, in the nicest way possible: 'grow up'. You should pass that on to your S.O. also.
 
Last edited:
I never said I was a grownup. 8)

Doing the best I can.

Aren't we all?
 
So you want to be able to dance with OS, but not to allow your partner to do so; your partner wants to dance with OS, but not to allow you to do so.

Interesting.
 
I think there may be bigger questions that you should be concerning yourself with, other than whether you're being "constraining."

What's going on in your relationship that has you at the point where you're both so unclear and unhappy about each others' behaviour?

For what it's worth: I certainly wouldn't like my partner "booty dancing" as you've described with other women, and I certainly would not dance with other men in this way. These are just some boundaries that my partner and I find both work for us, and we both respect it - may not work for everyone, you've got to find what works for you, and it seems like whatever it is you're doing perhaps isn't.

Good luck.
 
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