Elaborate please, I feel like I'm the same way but cant describe it.
I'm not going to go into specifics, for multiple reasons like shit memory and cognitive function to the uselessness of attempting to write out everything that happened, so I'll try to do a concise recap:
I fell for a girl. I cared for her more than I've ever cared about anything, I thought (and still think) about her more than anything else, I experienced attachment and desire like nothing else. I had a psychedelic experience like nothing else when she had her arms around me and our foreheads touching.
Anyway, to be concise, I was in teenage love. The kind of thing that completely consumes you, filled with egotistical desire.
Well I had recently made this new friend, and this girl I loved fancied him.
Me being the fool I was (and am) pretty much got them together (all the while both of them knowing I wanted her) because I genuinely just wanted her to be happy-
This isn't what I should be elaborating.
I had a bad experience and since haven't been able to bond with anyone, feel any real connection with anything, genuinely care about anyone, nor experience any sort of love.
The closest I've come is becoming attached to someone else (although only slightly) just because I wanted to bond with someone. She wasn't anything special, in fact she turned out to be a lying cunt, but that's not the point. The point is I became attached to someone I didn't know very well that I didn't
particularly like (in the way attachment usually arises) and I don't even want to type anymore
I don't even know what I feel half the time. Everything is so chaotic and dissonant and uncertain that it's hard to attain any sort of awareness, and then I'm just assailed by a combination of fucked up emotion
There are so many constants, it's like a circle. There's this circle of emotion that is my range of emotion, and this circle is always jittering and wobbling. Each of this small changes is just that, a small deviation from the 'perfect' circle that is monotonous, it is miserable tedium. Anyway, each of these little wobbles is extremely fleeting and and never deviates from the form itself. The outer layer is crusty, and the inside
seems empty. When examined more, it's not really empty. Anything can come from emptiness, this is far from it. It's full. It's so full that there's no space. And without space to show the difference between something and nothing, it all looks the same. There's nothing discernible that can arise, and if it does you can't be aware of it.
And in this perpetual range of emotion, my intelligence is affected. My awareness, my thoughts, my memory, everything.
It's all fucked.
My entire being becomes the shit that is inside of me, and when my present is so fucked and I grasp so tightly to my past there is no future. The past is still in my present and the future lives in the present and the present is fucked.
Now I'm just rambling because I can't explain my condition, either.
I'm incapable of loving (in most senses of the word, not just romantically) and I feel isolated and disconnected from everything. I can't build any bonds.
All I want is a companion. I just want a real friend. I want somebody to care about, somebody to love.
I want the responsibility that comes from love/care. I want the bond. I want it all.
I just can't have it. And that hurts.
But this isn't TDS, so I shouldn't be rambling on like this. I think my quote describes it just fine, and if it doesn't you'll have to come up with your own description or just keep waiting for a description to pop up on your screen some time.
I just mean that proper diet and exercise will work wonders for your mood and general thought patterns. Proper sleep and hydration are vital.
