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Approaching wife about opiate abuse, how do I do it?

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Condumbpope

Condumbpope

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May 11, 2012
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My wife has had problems with tramadol in the past. The only reason I found out was because she was shaking in the middle of the night and sweating everywhere, turns out she had a 15x50mg / day habit and had run out cold turkey. I was so pissed at her when I found out, my sister has an opiate and benzo problem. It's basically turned her into a useless piece of shit that just lives at home and mooches off my parents at the age of 29, unemployed, and a shell.

For that reason I already have a strong hatred for dependencies, and even had problems with guilt when I was taking pain management during the height of my lyme treatment.

For the past few days I've noticed her going to bed early, literally just to nod and scratch herself.. She's been neglecting work, negative, and generally nasty towards me. (It's easy to treat people around you like shit when you're on cloud 9) Immediately understanding her behavior I put on my detective hat.

After searching the house I find hydrocodone syrup, a big-ass bottle #280 servings halfway gone... Upon further searching I find a bottle of 180 tramadol 50mgs. Now when I finally get to the car I find vicodin. At this point I'm fucking furious because she has been lying to me this entire time, so I get on her computer to do detective work. Apparently she's been taking (daily) copious amounts of phenibut, tramadol, hydrocodone, vicodin, and valium.

The last time she had a "drug problem" I told her if she hid it from me again, and became an addict behind my back I would divorce her. She said "okay", but apparently... it's not okay, she can't curb her junkie tendencies. I'm just very, very pissed and I need to think about how to approach this before I just explode and throw her shit out of the front door.

End rant
 
Well, you did tell her there would be a consequence for her chosen behavior. The question is, are you ready to do what you said you would do? Junkies are hard to live with and harder to help. There is really nothing you can do other than strongly suggest she get help for her problems. The hardest part for you is when you realize she loves the junk more than she loves you. Sorry, but I know the drill. You said it all. She's a shell.
 
Tough situation. You can't back down on what you said, because that will confirm her view that she can just hid her drugs from you, get high, and have no consequences. I do have sympathy for her situation, as she obviously needs help, but don't let her stupid shit drag you down too. This is self-inflicted, destructive behaviour which you have already said you don't condone. I'd confront her about it in the morning or mid-day, and tell her she has to leave. She fucked with your trust, and it's hard to gain that shit back.
 
I am an addict, but I don't use anymore. All I thought when I received leniency in the past was, "Yes, I got away with it. Now I just need to hide it better."
 
So sorry to hear you're in such a situation, must be awful :(

First of all I think you should definitely take the time to calm down a bit before making a decision and talking to her...have time to really think it through and make sure your choice is rational and not just founded in anger. Thing is, you did tell her you'd divorce her if this happened, but do you think you'd be happier without her? Do you think you'd be happier without your wife, or with your wife & her drug problem?
It's an obvious question but one that lots of people might overlook because they feel like they need to stick to what they've said.

Also, I'm curious, if you're on this forum I'm assuming you have your own drug issues? (or did you just sign up because of hers?) Might help to understand what she's going through/convince her that you get her situation but she needs to stop/has been unfair/awful to you etc. ?
 
No drug issues myself, I'm on this forum for the sake of harm reduction. I had a thing for psychadelics, and have been prescribed many different narcotics due to health issues, but didn't abuse them and tapered off successfully. The only substance that got me real hooked was alcohol, I hit it pretty hard for about two years then went dry.

I don't do anything but smoke herb occasionally, but I miss psychadelics.

I'm not going to approach her tonight about the issue, I have too much stress already. Probably tomorrow, and I don't know yet if I'm ready to follow through with my threat to divorce her. Maybe I'll just make her move back with her parents for a while.. meh

this sucks
 
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Condumbpope said:
I'm not going to approach her tonight about the issue, I have too much stress already. Probably tomorrow, and I don't know yet if I'm ready to follow through with my threat to divorce her. Maybe I'll just make her move back with her parents for a while.. meh
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Do her parents know about her drug use? Are they okay with it, are they upset with it? Do they know the extent of it? Would she have to be less obvious about her drug use if she was at her parents?

Just curious how that would work.
 
Addiction is such an ugly thing. Unfortunately, drug users have to quit because they want to. if they do it for someone else, its easy to relapse. So I don't think a divorce will get her to quit, but maybe a separation and letting her parents know what's going on will help. A lot of people need to hit rock bottom before they realize the seriousness of their addiction. Whatever you decide to do, I hope for the best and remember, being supportive can go a long way
 
Man that is well wrong to project the ill feelings you have towards your sister onto your wife.

Divorce her? Do you love her? If yes then how about asking her, 'why are you taking these drugs'? 'pain? anxiety? just pure recreation? 'why did you hide it from me?'

Yelling at her, "kicking her ass out the door" nice plan there bubba very reasonable human you are.

How about confronting her compassionately & getting to the root of her problem & seeing how you could help.
 
Wow, this is tough. I am sorry that she lied to you. I would be pissed. However, maybe calm down a moment and reflect on your marriage vows. Did you promise to love her in sickness and in health etc etc? It seems to me that this is a time of sickness. I know you have had issues with people in your family using, but she is not your sister, she is your wife and it seems to me that she neds some help. Why is she using this stuff all of a sudden? To kill real pain? Or to kill emotional pain? Either way it seems like she will need you to stick by her side and help her get through this.
 
I'm sorry to hear you are going through this again. IMO I would get the divorce because she was warned of what would happen if she went behind your back again.Good luck.
 
Condumbpope said:
No drug issues myself, I'm on this forum for the sake of harm reduction. I had a thing for psychadelics, and have been prescribed many different narcotics due to health issues, but didn't abuse them and tapered off successfully. The only substance that got me real hooked was alcohol, I hit it pretty hard for about two years then went dry.

I don't do anything but smoke herb occasionally, but I miss psychadelics.

I'm not going to approach her tonight about the issue, I have too much stress already. Probably tomorrow, and I don't know yet if I'm ready to follow through with my threat to divorce her. Maybe I'll just make her move back with her parents for a while.. meh

this sucks
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This may sound like I am siding with your wife, but my all means, don't perceive it as that. Remember- when you made that vow you promised "In sickness and in health". Your wife's addiction is an illness. Treat it like cancer. Get her the help she needs to get her healthy again. You were successful at becoming sober, so why can't she be? I am sorry you are going through this, it must be exhausting on your end. I hope it ends well.
 
Some of you guys don't seem to understand addiction. Yes, it is a sickness, and I don't think he should divorce her, but he has to at least separate from her for a decent amount of time. A drug addict will keep using until a) they die or b) they hit rock bottom and truly want to quit. If they haven't hit that point, they're not going to quit, and they'll keep using. Like I said before, if you don't follow through on the consequences you put up for her actions, she'll perceive it that she can get away with doing drugs and you'll never do anything about it. Coddling her like a baby like some people suggested will only make her use more drugs, it won't help her quit. You guys mention marriage vows, but seem to forget that she made vows too, that she broke. She has broke the trust of the relationship, and that is very hard to get back. You have a tough decision, but good luck.
 
Agree, 100% K-Dazed. I'm addicted to opiates and was pretty much the whole reason my fiance and I are no longer together. When she found out, she pretty much told me the same thing the OP did. I just did it anyways and it took years for her to finally make good on her promise. The truth is, she's not going to quit unless she wants to regardless of any 'sanctions'.

It really comes down to is this a wave you're willing to ride out? If not, then don't just throw her shit out the door and shut her out. Have her leave (whether it be for a seperation or divorce) but it do it calmly and in a civil way.

I've never really been in a serious relationship with somebody with an addiction, but from seeing what I've put people through during my addiction, there isn't a chance in hell I'd stick around. :|
 
Well I ended up taking all of her opi's and dumping them in the toilet, taking a shit on them, wiping, and not flushing it.

I waited for her to come bitch at me about not flushing, then said "I didn't know if you wanted to salvage what was left of your pills".

Not even joking, anyways I told her parents (we are very close and have a good relationship) about what is going down. She's moving back home until she can sober up and not bring her habit into our home, not divorcing her... I'm finding her some help.
 
That is quite the perscription cocktail. As her husband you have every right to be pissed off and worried. I'd approach her ASAP, she will get defensive (all addicts do bc they dont want to stop getting high) try starting off in a nice way by saying "You're my wife and I love you dearly. I know you've been using drugs and I am worried about your health and our marriage." Tell her how she makes you feel when shes high (being bitchy) and how great she used to be when she was clean. Tell her how addiction has hit home one too man times, and youd hate to lose another family member to addiction. THEN you need to set boundaries, and stick to them. This is the hardest part bc it may seem easy to say "its me or the opiates" but her brains all screwed up and shes not thinking straight. Tell her you'll be by her side and help her all the way until she is clean. Check her into rehab, detox, etc. or if thats not an option have her see a therapist weekly. Also notify her doctors of her addiction so theyll stop perscribing her pills which can be potentially a deadly cocktail to mix. When setting boundaries, you need to make a consequence. You need to tell her that if she continues to get high and waste away then w.e consequence will occur and you need to promise yourself to follow through with it. Tough love, its hard but it could save her life.
 
Condumbpope said:
Well I ended up taking all of her opi's and dumping them in the toilet, taking a shit on them, wiping, and not flushing it.

I waited for her to come bitch at me about not flushing, then said "I didn't know if you wanted to salvage what was left of your pills".

Not even joking, anyways I told her parents (we are very close and have a good relationship) about what is going down. She's moving back home until she can sober up and not bring her habit into our home, not divorcing her... I'm finding her some help.
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That does sound a bit immature. I hope that her parents are able to help her.
 
Condumbpope said:
Well I ended up taking all of her opi's and dumping them in the toilet, taking a shit on them, wiping, and not flushing it.

I waited for her to come bitch at me about not flushing, then said "I didn't know if you wanted to salvage what was left of your pills".

Not even joking, anyways I told her parents (we are very close and have a good relationship) about what is going down. She's moving back home until she can sober up and not bring her habit into our home, not divorcing her... I'm finding her some help.
Click to expand...
You're a fucking self righteous asshole and I hope she leaves you. And also, this shit-"The only substance that got me real hooked was alcohol, I hit it pretty hard for about two years then went dry." is no different than opiates, so you're a hypocrite too. Go pat yourself on the back, shitstain.
 
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