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  • BDD Moderators: Keif’ Richards

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Atm - I understand ur addictive nature. My isn't just any sort of drug though - all I get from opiates is nausea, benzo's out of the 2 I've tried hold no appeal, monged out diazepam euphoria is not my bag and the only use I find for clonazepam but I have to be on the edge of sleep deprivation psychosis to resort to this as it renders my DOC useless for nxt 2 days. Rather use zopiclone to sleep. Weed makes me wanna vomit after 1 drag. GHB - I thought this was a date rape drug! How on earth could it be recreational?! The 'legal highs' frighten me a little - never tried and not tempted til I know what to expect. Alcohol was my 1st crutch to get me thru life - quit no problem and never been tempted since, but I suppose liver failure aged 20 could shock ya like that. Then came coke, you only care about urself and think about coke so problems, though still there, you couldn't give 2 about them. Finally knocked that on the head wen I realised I dint enjoy it anymore - and realised how using coke to escape had cost me a lot, not just money. Followed by my current crutch speed - UK speed, the old fashioned shit, us brits r largely scared of meth. I rely on it for energy, happiness, motivation etc, I really do HAVE to stop soon tho, admittedly not by choice, but I got an op on 22nd, and I'll be passing thru the airport beggining july an I aint gettin nicked for smugglin. Just aswell I gotta ava forced break though, usin my zopi more an more and can see the likeliness of fallin in2 trap of eatin stims 4 breakfast and Z for bed. Finally MDMA! Manmade sexual, horny, happy, loveliness in crystal form, I adore, highly unlikely it will be welcomed in2 my life as my daily DOC cos I look twisted on it an would shag a lampost if it moved! God knows what I'll do wen am bored of speed - no doubt a lil period of sobriety followed by an exploration in2 the unknown an c wot I can find.
Or just maybe that 1 brain cell that reads his books an gets straight A's will make his voice heard above the others and I can work wiv me shrink to find a combo that gives me the energy, motivation an the rest that I feel I need - without it triggering 1 of my manic episodes, which I think are the dogs - even the hallucinations are great fun. But unfortunately I'm the only 1 that feels they're a positive thing.

HR - Ideally an Illegal/illegally obtained drug free life in which you feel happy, content and whole.

For Me - Using a substance that makes me happier, energetic and motivated, in a way that I'm not hammering it all the time, using just amount needed to give me desired effects. Arming myself with knowledge so I can minimise risk of harm. Ensuring DOC does not interact to much with meds I have to take.

Ultimately, if my manipulative control freak ex gave me back my son, to live with me instead of the shitty 6 wks a year spaced out - I have no doubt I would not feel the need to touch another non prescribed substance or use a prescribed one for anything other reason than the intended one for as long as I live.
 
I have real problems relating to the way other people are and see the world, it used to bother me much more than it does now. In the end I have concluded you cannot have an objective view of yourself and you cannot assume others are experiencing the world / universe / consciousness in the same way you do.

So I can only attempt to explain how things are for me, I try not to make the assumption that any of that counts for anyone else.

Personally my goal is to be drug free at some point, that means ADs as well as recreational drugs, luckily at the moment I don't have any other conditions that require psychoactive drugs.

External pressures like work, bereavement, relationship problems and other deeper issues around self esteem and lack of inner peace have been triggers for me to dig deeper into drug use, whatever the substance but in the end I have failed to deal with many underlying issues and it's bitten back hard the last few years.

If something isn't working then you have to try something else and this time its not more drugs, only time will tell if this path brings me a bit more of the things I really want out of my life.

Sorry about the ramble its late and sleep is eluding me this evening;)
 
just got off work, now im chillen and it has been an awsome day :D


anyone do something crazy today? stay sober? try a new drug? or get reallllllllllllllly messed up?? who here nodded off today?
 
I'm workin on it!

Thinkin bout getting spun of course, but I probably won't.... self control!

I got like an hour to kill before my girl gets off work, so I'm working on my high until then :D

How you doing lacster
 
hahahahaha nice man!! im doing really good at the moment because i have everything i want in my possession ;)i

a nod will kick in abut in a hour or two nce i had some shit in hahahahaha

tonight was my second day at work and it wasnt bad at all, alot more entertaining than sitting on my ass all day watching the pool to seee if someone is drowning loool

my job at this mexi restaurant is to bring chips and salsa to people and sometimes bus or clean tables. i made maddd tips tonight, got 44 bux in my wallet! its so nice actually having money because for a long time all my money went to drugs, but thats not the case anymore
 
thanks man i appreciate it :)

a year ago, i would NEVER thiink that i could stay sober for just 1 day.

wthe first couple rehabs i didnt want to stay sover and didnt stay sover there....now i am in no inpatient of outpatient rehab, but instead i make AA/NA meetings everyday. i love AA so much. pr at;east ,y group. because it is all up to you, there is no authoritarian douche that runs the place like a rehab, but it is self run and self supported through donations. i think that is aazing. so much more freedom to do fun sober activities like exercise and girls hahah.

most of my weeks i am completely sover except with ciggs and coffer (if that even counts lol). then i will have 1-2 days where i would combome it woth other shit.]\\

i cant believe i am saying this bu \being sober aint that bad, and ive even had sooo muchn fun sober!!!

anyways im realll fucked ight now, i ave have to close 1 eye to type, but it feeells soooooooooooooo good
 
Cigs and coffee, living the AA dream. I always found it ironic that they're so highly tolerant of carcinogens but that's just me. Amen to the girls though <3 Females truly are the finer sex.

Whatchu on?
 
Hey Cane, don't be so mad
Take a troll post and make it shatter
Remember, to always let me into your heart
Then you can start
to make bluelight better
 
^thats good shit renz, what you up to today??

whats up everyone? what's everyone doing today? drugs? party? sign me up!


i work at 5:30 today but i feel really good :D and i will definitely feel good at work still
 
What a shitty day, I now know y I do drugs - cos life is shit no matter wot so u may as well b outta ur tree.
Tell ya wot, a few people r headin 2 hell an I'll b the bitch waitin 4 them.

Hmm, yeah, echo those thoughts - hope ur ok baby xxx
 
Ha I wish it were just a case of out of drugs.
I were s'posed b goin wivout 2day - I woke at 7.15 and caved at 9 ah well.
Nope, took my boy bk 2 his dad who's got residency after I had a full blown psychotic manic episode (drug free) an he wunt giv him bk wen I got stable. Anyway, puttin ma boy in dickheads car - remember son, mama always loves u no matter wot - really? Daddy doesn't think u do - I don't say mama dunt love u (this is after a brief pause) - yes u do all the time ! Wot kind of shit is that? Who tells a 4 year old ther mam don't love them?
My DOC is speed, I love it usually, 2nite its makin me think 2 much 2 darkly, wud trade anythin 2 feel numb, nothin - lifetime wivout joy but also no pain seems very appealin at the moment. Ah. Sod it.

So, anyway, anyone happy?
 
Oh no! That is so shitty that your ex would undermine you to your kid that way! What a dickhead! He is doing huge damage without even realizing. That is really low, I would be depressed too!
 
I know - he's messin my boys head up, an it aint even wrkin cus he STILL wants 2 live wiv me despite his poison.
Gunna discuss wiv social worker if I can do anythin 2 get him bk.
In the meantime do wot I do best, bury my emotions, smile, and make life seem better by taking way too much of something that's really bad 4 me! But it's better than merely existing.
I'll be happy in the moro when I remember how 2 not think.
 
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