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How often do you get into arguments with your S.O.?

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munki

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 30, 2000
Messages
625
Location
wa
So, since moving in with my bf two months we have been having more arguments, versus before we had almost none. Seems like the last couple of weeks we have been getting into disagreements at least once or twice a week. Its frustrating because I feel emotionally manipulated by him where he claims he feels unsupported by me because I don't necessarily act enthusiastic about his ideas which escalates into an argument.

Some of the disagreements are just over minor mundane stuff like normal living together issues (cleanup, etc.) which I can accept. However, the bigger ones where he claims he is sinking into a depression because I am not excited about whatever he is excited about drive me crazy.

Up till this point we have gotten along exceptionally. I know it is normal to have arguments with your SO, but it still feels uncomfortable. In the past, I had very tumultuous relationships so I don't really know what is healthy or not.

Just was wondering what exactly is "normal" for amount and duration of arguments for others?
 
It's perfectly normal to disagree but it's depends on what is said during those arguments that determines whether they are unhealthy or not. I you both can argue calmly without any name calling or hostility then I wouldn't worry about it too much. If one, or both of you, are engaging in hostile and venomous word slinging then it's time to step back and realize the damage you are causing to your relationship.

It's extremely hard to live with another person, you have to adapt to living with their personality and living habits on a much larger scale than when you live apart. It can be a challenge and it takes a lot of work but the key is communication. You just have to keep talking (in a civil way) and resolving conflicts at they arise. Compromise is a key element to keeping a relationship healthy as well.

What sorts of things does he get excited about that you just can't get excited about yourself?
 
Well, he's obsessed with his website and is constantly talking about it, including the coding, which is basically a bunch of jibberish to me. I am not a computer coder, nor do I desire to be one. I don't want to have obsessive conversations about the website, he does that enough with other people. The latest thing that he wants to do is a "night", whatever that means. I guess he wants to do a club night in an effort to drum up business for his website. He claims he is a dj, yet in the entire year we have been dating I have not seen him attempt to mix any music, other than train wrecking two youtube songs at the same time. I don't know if he is planning on doing his supposed djing at this hypothetical night or what.

I suggested that if he is to do this night he should do it as a monthly event, because it seems like it would be more likely to be successful. This highly offended him and he felt like I was being discouraging. This is when he made his "sinking into depression" comment and went and lay down in the fetal position on the bed. This man is 46 years old, yet acts like a child sometimes. I cook him breakfast and dinner almost every day, do most of the cleaning, including laundry, so am supporting him in the ways I can. I also am a mother, and a full time student, so have little energy for much else.

We generally have a pretty good relationship, but the more frequent arguments are getting to me. We don't name call, and only raise our voices a little bit so I think we are fighting fair.
 
Is he willing to talk to you about other subjects? Or does he only want to discuss his website? Have you explained to him that you don't understand the terms and lingo that he uses? What does he say when you don't want to be the exclusive topic of conversation between the two of you? Does he want you to be somehow involved in this project?

How often does he want to dj? I don't see anything inherently wrong with having a hobby that could be done on a weekly basis, but if it's going to prevent him from spending any quality time with you then that will be an issue. It's also an issue if he wants you to be engaged in the conversation but scoffs or is offended by your suggestions. He definitely sounds immature and he needs to work on his communication skills and how he presents himself to you. Hopefully he doesn't learn the hard way that "talking at you" is just probably going to make you distance yourself from him and walk right out the door.
 
Me and my bf fight a lot to, but not nearly as much as we use to..hope things work out for you, op.. I know a lot of our problem is the way we communicate to each other..idk, I don't really want to give any advice, because I'm not to good @ it, but I do hope all turns out well for you..good luck hun.
 
Yeah, I know neither of us are the best communicators.

As for him being unhappy; I just get the feeling that I have to be 100% happy about whatever he is interested in all the time. I am not capable of that. I am a grouchy asshole at times, and I know I need to work on that. I try to make him happy sexually, being a good little "wifey" so to speak, and in other ways. I dunno.

He has insecurities about when we go out to (I posted about this before) because I get a fair amount of attention because I like to dance, and dancing makes me more smiley, etc. I don't dress in a way to attract unnecessary attention, nor intentionally send out a flirty vibe but it still happens. Some random dood tried to kiss me out at the club a couple weeks ago! I deflected it, but still! Anyhow, we kinda got into an argument later where he said he has to go out to different places than me so he can get "as much attention" as me. WTF? It just seems like he has these low self esteem issues that I don't know how to resolve.

We are monogamous, but I get the impression that maybe he would like the option to "play" despite him saying he is having the best sex of his life now.

It just is all very confusing.
 
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munki said:
Yeah, I know neither of us are the best communicators.

As for him being unhappy; I just get the feeling that I have to be 100% happy about whatever he is interested in all the time. I am not capable of that. I am a grouchy asshole at times, and I know I need to work on that. I try to make him happy sexually, being a good little "wifey" so to speak, and in other ways. I dunno.

He has insecurities about when we go out to (I posted about this before) because I get a fair amount of attention because I like to dance, and dancing makes me more smiley, etc. I don't dress in a way to attract unnecessary attention, nor intentionally send out a flirty vibe but it still happens. Some random dood tried to kiss me out at the club a couple weeks ago! I deflected it, but still! Anyhow, we kinda got into an argument later where he said he has to go out to different places than me so he can get "as much attention" as me. WTF? It just seems like he has these low self esteem issues that I don't know how to resolve.

We are monogamous, but I get the impression that maybe he would like the option to "play" despite him saying he is having the best sex of his life now.

It just is all very confusing.
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He sounds very insecure. You're not seeing anyone else, he needs to be confident about that, and not try and get hit on more than you. That is just ridiculous.
Communication is also something you guys obviously have to work on. Communication is the reason for all the arguments that my boyfriend and I have. (We don't argue much though ... but communication is always the reason.)
Talk things out. He seems rather immature for his age especially. Maybe you should try and be more enthusiastic about what he does and when he's talking about all that stuff, but he should not be acting so immature, insecure, etc. But really, you two just need to talk things out, lay things out on the table, that kind of thing.

Add: My boyfriend and I just moved in together a month and a half ago. We rarely argued before and we rarely argue now. I don't think the arguments should increase much just because you live together.
 
Sounds like he is starting a new business? How long has this website been in business? Is he a coder or a DJ? Is this full time work? It sounds to me like he is 24/7 about his new business venture, and most online businesses fail. I assume he is feeling this pressure and probably taking it out on you and himself. It's so extremely stressful to start a business online, and lots of time people fail because making a website has been devalued by cheap software like WordPress. People think they are webmasters because they installed WordPress, and then the real work begins and they realize it's not as easy as they thought.. I've felt like him before and felt the stress, so I understand it but he shouldn't take it out on you. He also shouldn't expect you to understand code.

Not sure what you could do here, because I can't tell if he needs space or needs to spend more non-website time with you. I can only speak for myself, but when I live with someone, I really need my space at times to think about my work. Too much of the other person around and I get agitated and argumentative.
 
Its a business he has had for 15 years. It used to be fairly successful, but mismanagement and the economy have really impacted how sales have been. He used to have a physical store, but now its online only. Its funny because he is upgrading his website using WordPress. There definitely is stress because he is having a hard time getting the mortgage paid; despite me offering to pay some rent.

Went out last night and again he had major insecurities. Saw my son's father who happens to also be a really good dancer. BF saw us interacting (this is rave dancing we are talking about here...no touching at all!) and told me later he felt like the "third wheel". I just don't get it! I just dance and really get deep into the music; I don't think he is capable of getting lost in the music at all. Its just frustrating because I start to feel guilty for having fun. Tried to stroke his ego a lot after the party, but its draining trying to justify my free spirit.
 
I have to give you credit for trying. I tried to work with someone who had no passion and intimacy issues and just couldn't do it anymore. It *is* draining. I think the failing business (or struggling business) is probably the crux of the insecurities. Imagine running something for so long and now you're failing. I imagine he *feels* like a failure, so it's spilling over into his personal life. Kinda like losing your job, except you're firing yourself and losing your business at the same time.

That's tough, because I think he'll need to work through it and understand it's not your fault. He's taking it out on you, and it's hard to say whether it would be best to back off or to be more supportive when we don't know him.

Oh, WordPress. LOL It has its good and bad. It's usually the platform that gets hacked, but it's also free and easy to use. I use WordPress too, so I can't knock it. Just 2 things: don't use a free theme downloaded from any 3rd party unless they have some kind of editorial review (such as themeforest.com) and be very careful what kind of plugins he downloads. These two things lead to sites getting hacked or dropping spammy, hidden links.
 
SO'S exspect a lot of support try looking at it from his view of things and have him look at it from yours if that dont work let me know love, drug kat
 
normal has alot of meanings munki you just have to figure out what your true hearted meaning is if yuo are having trouble let me know
 
Depends on what you call an argument? Nerdy, meaningless shit like T1 vs T2 weighted M.R.I. for fat vs water differentiation or something equally abstract? daily it's all we do?

Serious arguments about OHNOEZ OMG DRAMA? ... I can't think of one in like 6 months.
 
I can't remember having much more than one or two serious arguments in over 4 years that isn't quickly resolved. There has never been a night when we have gone to bed angry (in fact neither of us can fall asleep with out holding hands or at least touching each other). That's not to say we don't have niggles from time to time. If I'm stressed I might say something snappy and at least once a month I am careful what and how I approach certain things, but I love the fact that both of us recognise we are in the wrong almost straight away and will give each other a hug and apologise.
 
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