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Jealousy and Control Issues

S

shishigami

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 4, 2011
Messages
890
So I've been having some jealousy and control issues recently and would like some help in working them out or some advice on what to do.

I asked my girlfriend what she was doing tomorrow night and she told me hanging out with some guy 'G' who I know she hooked up with once in the past but is still kinda friends with. Last time she hung out with him was Thanksgiving and nothing happened and it was fine. I was a bit bothered that she was hanging out with him but wasn't going to mention it. Then she told me they were going to go to a rave (with other people in their group) and I really just wigged out. It's not that I think she's going to do anything with him it's just that I would want it to be me that she was going with.

I understand nothing is wrong with being weirded out by something like this since it's an odd situation but I don't like that I felt that way and my feeling would prevent her from going out and having fun. In the end she decided not to go because all of G's friends couldn't go so it would just be them too and she thought it could be awkward. While on one hand I'm happy with that on the other I want her to go to something like this so I can see how I feel afterwards.

Anyways that you guys or gals mitigate your jealousy in a productive way? Or just any other comments about the issue.
 
I think a big determining factor here is whether you got invited to said rave as well.

If you're a big part of her life, she should be including you in her group activities, especially if it's a mixed group.
 
Cyc said:
I think a big determining factor here is whether you got invited to said rave as well.

If you're a big part of her life, she should be including you in her group activities, especially if it's a mixed group.
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I was not invited and he's not someone she usually hangs out with. Which was definitely part of it. I feel like if she went with one of her female friends to go to something like this I would be fine (especially if it was one of her close friends, who I know sometimes doesn't like how much time I spend with my girlfriend).
 
KhyaBean said:
I don't necessarily agree with that statement. I think that would depend on how much time they already spend together. I learned the hard way that there is such a thing as too much time spent with one person, no matter how much you love them. For a relationship to really work you need to have some time away with just your friends or doing whatever it is that you enjoy. It keeps you from getting into that funk where every little thing they do that would normally be at most mildly annoying becomes the end of the world.
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Yeah but there's a difference between spending time with friends and going to a rave. Rave's are very sexual and if some guy wanted to take my girl to a rave I would say "fuck no." There's no problem with being jealous, if your in a committed relationship chicks are turned on by guys who claim their territory. The fact that she wanted to go and you weren't invited would make me question her intentions. Dude it's a rave, think about what goes on at those. Remember everyone always has their own agendas. Think things through at the risk of being paranoid, shows u care.
 
I guess I should add it depends on what type of relationship your in/ how long you expect it to last. From what you wrote the fact she didn't tell you what was going on right away seems sketchy. If I did something like that I'de get my ass ejected from the house.
 
I wouldn't tolerate that. Girlfriends hanging out with guys who they once hooked up with never ends up well, and just has bad vibes all around. Sure you can call that controlling or jealousy, it's not really. It would just show me that her friendship with ex-fling was more important to her than our relationship.
 
No she just figured out later she was going to a rave, so she told me then, it wasn't like she withheld any information.

It's just sometimes frustrating that she's still friends with a lot of her hookups (because she was friends before), because I feel jealous when she's even though I know she's not going to do anything.

And it's pretty serious, enough so that we're willing to do long distance during the school year (and the past one).
 
You need to ask yourself what the source of your jealousy and insecurity is. Has she ever given you a reason to stop trusting her? Have you ever caught her lying? Maye you have been mistreated by other people in the past, you can't make this girl responsible for that. I know how hard that is though, you just have to talk to her though and tell her how you're feeling without accusing her of anything.

Sometimes relationships don't work, that doesn't mean you can't be friends afterward. I don't see her being friends with an ex, or hanging out with an ex as an issue as such. She hasn't been trying to hide anything, she told you upfront. If she was going to be sketchy and sneak around then she wouldn't tell you she was spending time with this person.
 
i know where you're coming from, i don't know why certain girls like to stay close friends with their previous hook ups like that. The way i got over it is if it's going to happen it's going to happen and hopefully you will find out, and if it does the relationship wasn't going to work out anyway. If she can cheat that easily she is not worth keeping. The only caveat to this approach is that she can hide it from you but usually these things come out eventually anyway. At least that thought keeps me sane.

Also, if the situation were reversed how would she feel? If she would flip out then i think that's a good indication of what's actually happening, if not then maybe it's not a big deal.
 
purplefirefly said:
You need to ask yourself what the source of your jealousy and insecurity is.
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It's a combination of the fact that I wish I was with her (pretty much all the time, so when I know she's having fun I wish I was there if possible), and the fact that I don't like thinking about people she's hooked up with (so don't like her reminding me of it by hanging out with them). She's also really flirty by nature and kinda naive to boys in general so I don't like the idea of her flirting or doing something she thought was no big deal that I would mind (it's happened, she's gotten herself into some stupid situations with boys where if she had just thought about it before hand she would have realized that she was making a mistake).

We had a long talk and I basically told her there were things I was going to be uncomfortable with that she should still do and hopefully I'll become more and more comfortable with them. That way she can still go out and have fun and not feel too constricted. At least that's the goal. This includes her hanging out with exes (some she's friendlier with so I don't really mind her hanging out with now) and drinking (I really don't like drinking and for some reason really dislike her in particular drinking even though when I've been around her drunk it's been jolly). I did ask that if she's gonna go to some big show with some guys I would at least appreciate being invited, I might not be able to come but that would just make me feel a bit more wanted. And lastly I just asked her to, before she does stuff, give it a brief thought about how I'll view it. I know if she had done that in this situation she would have come to the conclusion that I would have been very uncomfortable with it.

I've hung out with an ex-girlfriend before and she had no problem with it but I don't chill with any of my hookups, if I did she might think it was odd but not have an issue with it.
 
The thing is, you're trying to make YOUR problem HER problem. You're her boyfriend, not her father, she doesn't answer to you and she is still her own person. Your insecurity issues are not her issues. She should be able to hang out with her friends and have fun even if it doesn't necessarily include you. Yes, you should have time spent together going out and hanging out with friends as a group but that doesn't always have t be the case. Just because she has fun without you doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

What has she done specifically that has bothered you so much? Has she cheated? You apparently already know she is a flirty person, why do you think she is just going to change because she's in a relationship? Some people by nature are flirtatious, it doesn't mean they are sexual about it or are going to cheat.

I am glad that you said she should do these things anyway because trying to control her is only going to drive her away from you. It's not your place to control her anyway. I think you still need to recognize the source of your misstrust and insecurity though, that's extremely important for you to be able to have a healthy relationship.
 
jam uh weezy said:
Sure you can call that controlling or jealousy, it's not really.
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I'm not a Qist, but I think all Qs should be P in a gas chamber.

I wouldn't tolerate that. Allowing women to go outside without a male relative or her husband never ends up well, and just has bad vibes all around. Sure, you can call that sexist or oppressive , it's not really.

Dubious disclaimer is dubious.
 
If your jealousy arises from feeling insecure or from feeling that your worth is dependent on the opinion or praise of one invididual then you can try to improve your sense of self esteem and belief in yourself.
 
purplefirefly said:
The thing is, you're trying to make YOUR problem HER problem. You're her boyfriend, not her father, she doesn't answer to you and she is still her own person. Your insecurity issues are not her issues. She should be able to hang out with her friends and have fun even if it doesn't necessarily include you. Yes, you should have time spent together going out and hanging out with friends as a group but that doesn't always have t be the case. Just because she has fun without you doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

What has she done specifically that has bothered you so much? Has she cheated? You apparently already know she is a flirty person, why do you think she is just going to change because she's in a relationship? Some people by nature are flirtatious, it doesn't mean they are sexual about it or are going to cheat.

I am glad that you said she should do these things anyway because trying to control her is only going to drive her away from you. It's not your place to control her anyway. I think you still need to recognize the source of your misstrust and insecurity though, that's extremely important for you to be able to have a healthy relationship.
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+99.
 
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