Alcoholism discussion thread v. 5.0

[S.M.F.G]

^^BN. Im real sorry hey. But just know this type of shit is destroying me also, ur not alone in this mess regardless of how deep it is. Im malnourished and got other medical shit goin on, still grabbin that one beer though...Fucck none of my family wants anything to do with me, I got a kid that loves me, a girlfriend that is holding me together and im in danger of loseing and one kiind lady i see as a mom even though we just known eachother for years now and i always have a bed there, thats alot i suppose but if feels like nothing, like im just hurting these people its a fucked state of mind... My thoughts r with u in this time of darkness
Pls do let us know how ur going when ur upto it.

 

[Mariposa]

5 days sober. It has helped spending a significant amount of time with my housemate (who has not drank since his early 20s due to a brush with some bad shit he did while drunk) doing non-drinking stuff like watching documentaries. There is beer in the fridge that I am not even remotely tempted to touch. n3o - no joke that socializing with non-drinking friends is a great way to relieve a craving. My housemate has a sixth sense about if I drink and isn't afraid to call me out - he thought I had drank yesterday, but I'd just brushed my teeth and it was the mouthwash. I laughed it off, but still.

It has also helped that I socked the money I'd have otherwise spent at the bar or liquor store away for my working vacation, which starts Wednesday. It makes the prospect of going home (I am presently 750 miles away from my permanently drunk family, for whom I also work) until I realized I have more money to spend while there. There will be events this weekend (long holiday weekend) at which there will be drinking. I haven't yet decided whether I will partake, but it will not be with spirits.

My dog has helped me immeasurably as well. Keeping my shit together when I have a true best friend at my side is a LOT easier. My husky (pic and more details will be in the photo thread) is still developing at almost a year old; now is a very critical time in her training and cognitive skills. If I want hers to be sharp, I need to act like an alpha, and I can't do that drunk.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I haven't really been doing much socializing because I just don't feel like myself anymore. I feel so boring. I used to make people laugh and I used to be fun to be around. Now I'm just lost and distant. I don't know how to do that anymore. It's really disappointing. I used to be proud of my personality and sense of humor, now I'm really insecure. It's like I don't understand how anybody can like me.

Thanks for being supportive though, n3o. You've been really helpful for a while now, more than you know.

Firstly, you're absolutely more than welcome We're all in this together dude.
Secondly, do you KNOW for a fact that you are actually more boring and less entertaining now that you're sober?? Or are you just presuming you are, because you feel depressed and anxious about socialising? If you actually force yourself to get out there and socialise, you might be pleasantly surprised with how well you cope. I was VERY surprised at how well I cope with social situations now that I'm sober. Like you, I kept telling myself that I'm boring and incapable of holding a conversation with someone, without being drunk. But now that I've forced myself to get out and just do it, it's getting much easier with practice and now I hardly feel nervous about socialising at all. And in reality (i.e. contrary to what my brain tries to tell me ) I am actually NOT boring when sober.

well the old alcohol and benzo combination fucked my life enitirely last night, i am not sure of the excat details all i know is that my partner of 8 years has her phone off and her sister has told me she wants nothing to do with me at all, i recall police questiniong me last night but i know i would never hit my gf and the fact i was not arrested would suggest i abused her verbally

I am so ashamed of myself, i have screwed my life entirely, today i am going munch a handful of benzos and have a large amount of opiates and a bottle of wine and hope i go into the longest sleep possible

The feeling of not knowing what u did then waking up and having brief memory flashbacks but not a full recollection is the worst feeling on earth, especially when u know u really fucked up

Well if i dont hear from my gf by wedenesday i am doing the old running away from my problems trick and going to put the wheels in motion for 6 months in india then come home and reside in another state

I am the definition of a stupid fuckwit

BN this really sucks to hear man, I'm worried about you. Let us know that you're okay? I hope you're feeling better today. I'm sure everything will be okay wit your girlfriend and sister. Please take care of yourself

5 days sober.
My dog has helped me immeasurably as well. Keeping my shit together when I have a true best friend at my side is a LOT easier. My husky (pic and more details will be in the photo thread) is still developing at almost a year old; now is a very critical time in her training and cognitive skills. If I want hers to be sharp, I need to act like an alpha, and I can't do that drunk.

Congrats on 5 days sober hun! And yes, pets and the unconditional love they provide can be so immensely helpful and healing Keep up the good work love


SMFG how are you doing today mate?

 

[Eyes On the Roll]

Damn. I quit oxycodone around 16 days ago, it was a $100-250 a day habit, spanning almost a year. The withdrawals were intense.. but i did it completely cold turkey without using any other substances. The thing is, I'm 21 and now sober. I have loads of money to spare, but I'm on probation and I can't do drugs anymore. I have that type of personality where I NEED to be fucked up. If I'm not high on something I'm completely cold and emotionless.

So.. I have since turned to alcohol. Almost every night I get drunk till I black out. The dangerous thing about it is, that whenever I'm absolutely fucked on a substance (alcohol included) noone has ANY idea that I'm fucked up. I can conceal it so well, that it astounds even me. I can function very well under the influence, even better than sober. Which is why I don't really have a problem with my drinking. But, even I know that I'm starting to drink a bit much.. it's about 2 wine bottles a day, or a bottle of rum a day.

 

[S.M.F.G]

^ Mate thats harsh hey but congrats on beatin the op8s, I see a bit this happen where the op8 user will turn to alchohol. Im no saint all i can say is the booze for an addictive personality like myself, you and probably 90% of the folks here is no good. Are you able to access any kind of therapy in ur area? Stick about hey there b better advice comin from more knowledgable people or people who can talk sence.

Me... Im sittin in tha same spot, been to therapy its alll still a big headfuck just want my tablet early and try rest tilll i have to get up, It b a good test today of limits, ended up with more beer coz it was cheaper, now i just gottta finish the one and leave the others for tomoz and the next day, Its no great feeling upon waking up though...Ever as of late, waiting for test results to see weather ive got an auto immune disorder/disease, sos im prety freakin out under controll but just wana b outta it, Stress is killing me i swear thru perscription shit and my lifetime boozing on and off, not to mention all the other everything i tried. I need a shift of mind and im getting frustrated alll the time coz im stil stuck here in a hole but its lie ive got a ladder... I'm just 2 retarded to use it

 

[RedLeader]

The problem with trying to "fake being sober" all the time is that it (well duh!) kills the buzz. Isn't the point of drinking, at least to the naive-enough person, to get a buzz and let loose? If you're constantly fighting against letting go, you're kind of defeating the whole point of drinking in the first place. What will probably happen is that your body will become used to alcohol, and you will think that your BAC is lower than it is, causing you to drink more and more, when socially appropriate, to try and get that euphoria that others do off or only a few drinks. This only leads to bad places.

I honestly don't know how people can move from opiates to alcohol. I've been addicted to both, but I know that if I even have one beer (yes, just ONE BEER), I will be on the phone setting up a heroin deal. That's just how it goes. I'm not saying that you, EOtR, are like this, but you're putting yourself into a vulnerable state with your clean time when alcohol is added to the equation.

I am like you, though, in always feeling a need to be intoxicated by something. Now it's not just a chemical for me so much, but I'm still intoxicated by situations into which I place myself. I push myself so hard in my exercise routine that it's quite the rush (this is probably the most common "healthy replacement addiction"). Sex is another good thing, as long as you are safe/smart about it. There are subgenres of electronic music that if I listen to in a dark room for a while, I start to pseudo-trip.

 

[deficiT]

I fucked up again after I genuinely tried to cut back psh probably lasted like 3 days with no alc, ended up going on a 4 or 5 day bender and even started getting fucked on other drugs.

What are peoples opinions on using benzos to help deal with withdrawal? If I didn't take this xanax I'd definitely be moody as hell right now, shaky and not be able to go to sleep.

 

[Eyes On the Roll]

The thing is, I'm not trying to act sober when I'm wasted, it's just how I am. I'm perfectly normal when I'm completely thrashed, idk why but I seldom loose control, and I only do if I fall into a rage.
When I say being under the influence is better for me, I mean it. I was diagnosed with ASPD.. and I am completely different from everyone I know, unable to relate. I'm so callous and cruel, without even realizing it while sober. When I'm on something I can almost feel a relation to someone, and that's something I went 17 years of my life without ever feeling. Once the door was opened, there was no going back. It's like being color blind your whole life and then BOOM, you can see colors, and you understand. That's how it was with me and drugs and emotions. If I didn't get as drunk as I am now, I'd be so bitter, so cold and heartless, that I would eventually probably end up killing. I don't expect anyone to understand, because there are few who can relate to my personality type.

 

[BlindSoothsayer]

About a year and a half ago I bought a handle of vodka. I finished it within one week. One day I just woke up and thought "where the hell did all my vodka go!?" I haven't bought a handle since then, but I frequently get fifths and six-packs. Alcohol also has a tendency to make me extremely destructive. I've thrown glass bottles in the street, keyed random cars, driven drunk, and urinated in public countless times.

 

[Donewthislife]

I know Valium is used for alcohol detox to help prevent seizures. Im sure the Xanax is lessening your anxiety but be careful with becoming addicted and use it for short term relief.

 

[harlans]

Hey, thanks for checking in. Nah, I haven't relapsed. Still have the bottle, haven't touched it, and I don't think I'm going to. I really wanted to drink the night I bought it but just couldn't bring myself to do it. I bought it with the intention of just drinking for "one night" and then getting right back on track, but I have a feeling it would just turn into a bender and everything I've been working at will be gone by the end of the week. I know I should just get rid of it.

POUR IT OUT! You still have the capacity for a full life!!! What I wouldn't give for that...
I think that my alcoholism has shown me there is nothing for me on this plane. If a tiny chemical substance has the capacity to extricate my soul from me, then who am I to say I should still be here.

 

[justsayknow]

I fucked up again after I genuinely tried to cut back psh probably lasted like 3 days with no alc, ended up going on a 4 or 5 day bender and even started getting fucked on other drugs.

What are peoples opinions on using benzos to help deal with withdrawal? If I didn't take this xanax I'd definitely be moody as hell right now, shaky and not be able to go to sleep.

I have been prescribed Oxazepam for withdrawals its meant to have less addiction potential because of the long onset time. It helped for sure in the short term especially if you have been drinking a lot for a long time and get the shakes. In the long term its all up to you really. Luckily for me I didnt have a constant source for benzos so addiction wasnt really an issue. (The only thing that was an issue was dose, I am used to faster acting Benzos so I got a bit messed up the first time I had it because I thought it wasnt doing anything.) The doctor at the time also recommended Thiamine ie Vitamin B1 for shakiness.

The other thing I tried was kava kava root I dont know if its available where you are but I found it useful. It also acts on GABA receptors but its not as strong as Benzo's. I would recommend powdered root or a tincture over capsules or tablets though.

 

[blahman8000]

I relapsed. It was the biggest mistake I've made in quite a while and I fully regret it. It was stupid and weak and now all I can think to do is drink more in order to forget everything that happened last night.

 

[polymath]

I relapsed. It was the biggest mistake I've made in quite a while and I fully regret it. It was stupid and weak and now all I can think to do is drink more in order to forget everything that happened last night.

Don't feel too bad about yourself for that, it happens at least once to everyone who's trying to quit drinking. I'm trying too but I relapsed last weekend and made a total ass of myself, making stupid drunk-dials to relatives and workmates in the middle of the night, and somehow spent a huge amount of money in a couple of days (can't even remember where the money went)... Damn I was embarrased on monday . Now I've been sober for seven days again.

If you keep drinking, you're soon at the same point you were in last christmas, feeling terrible all the time and unable to eat any solid food. Try to stop as soon as possible.

 

[LaserHosen]

Yeah, don't beat yourself up blahman8000. You'll probably always have thoughts of having a drink. At least for a year or two. Our brains can be deceptive bastards trying to rationalise to us every good reason to have 'just a couple of drinks'. I had one of those thoughts on Saturday afternoon but I didn't act on it.

It can be especially hard if you know you've got the weekend free to yourself but just take this as another step in the learning process that you're not like other people that can enjoy booze and get away with it.

 

[deficiT]

It's just so difficult to get out of the lifestyle of getting fucked up. I love my friends but alot of them just wanna drink, smoke pot, and do drugs all day. My one source of inspiration is my girl, whos given me another chance. But even then I don't want to let her down, or myself. It's just so difficult to resist I don't know where to start. I'm gonna try going to a meeting this friday so hopefully that helps.

Last night I got so trashed and 2ci fucked that i basically faceplanted the concrete in front of a bunch of people at a party. Made me realize that I really need to take a break from all the demons in my life right now. I want to be able to drink socially on weekends and not be so fucking ignorant about it. My weeklong drinking/drugging binge ended last night I guess.

But I'm completely out of benzo's now so I know I'm going to be feeling like dirt real fucking soon. I hate being lonely but I know if I go hang with anyone other than my girl I'll probably end up drinking or some shit. I just don't know what the fuck to do

 

[Drownrat]

I've been drinking for about 4 years now 2 of which I have been drinking every day. I have had approximately 5 seizures which may or may not have been the result of alcohol withdrawal. I wake up withdrawing mildly at this point and give in to my urges by about 12pm noon, I haven't been sober for more than 6-8 hours in a day max for about a year. I could not go a day without going into DTs now and it's really wearing on me. I drink anywhere from 4 to 7 8.1%abv 16oz beers a day sometimes more. A recent partner of mine was diagnosed with hep c which I did at one point share a needle with, my liver is starting to become not painful but uncomfortable. 4 days from now I may run out of money entirely for my alcohol habit and I'm trying to taper off so I don't seize and die but I'm having some real trouble doing so. I don't have enough money for any sort of help so rehab and such are out of the question, but at this point I would more than welcome some advice.

 

[RedLeader]

Fuck, blahman, that really sucks. I can relate, though. You made it just about as long as I did the first time I really put my foot down against heroin. And I'm not the type of person who wants to be comforted and told that "relapse is part of recovery," but I can say that you need to try and develop some cognitive association between relapsing and the guilt/shame that you felt afterward, as it will help prevent more relapses. When we drink/use all of the time, we feel more like an outstanding guilt that isn't really over anything in particular, but after a relapse we feel guilty for a specific incident and specific thought/behavioural patterns. If you can link the *idea* of relapsing with this inevitable darkness and not with the euphoria of the initial intoxication, it will be a lot easier to stay strong.

 

[n3ophy7e]

I relapsed. It was the biggest mistake I've made in quite a while and I fully regret it. It was stupid and weak and now all I can think to do is drink more in order to forget everything that happened last night.

Dude, I'm really sorry to hear this, not because you relapsed, but because you're now beating yourself up about it. Please be kind to yourself. Focus on the POSITIVES!! You stayed sober for a really long time, and it took a lot of hard work on your part. You succeeded at sobriety, so you know you can do it again now. Time to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get right back on the sober wagon. You can do it mate



I have now been sober for 10 weeks Feels amazing. I rarely even miss or crave alcohol any more. Don't get me wrong, I still face challenges every now and then with unexpected cravings etc, but overall things are going well.

 

[blahman8000]

Thanks for the feedback and support everyone. I ended up getting drunk throughout the past few days, and I'm just now coming out of it. I don't know how much damage that did on my already-damaged liver. I think it's still in the healing process so I at least slowed it down.

I've spent the past few hours laying in bed, sober and depressed out of my mind. It was absolutely terrible and I had no more alcohol. I think I'm going to finally see a doctor about going on medication for my depression. Alcohol and drugs have been the only relief I've had for it, but really they've just made it so much worse. I'm going to end up killing myself if I don't do something about this. I don't even feel much better anymore when I'm drunk. All it really does now is destroy my body and enable me to make a complete ass of myself. Yet somehow I just can't stop myself from drinking a ton of it. I didn't even gradually start drinking more and more. I just dove right back into drinking just as heavily as I used to. I can't live like this. I'm so fucking unhappy that it's debilitating.