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In Twenty days it will have been a year

*hugs* to herbavore. April 1st just passed for me, and it was officially 4 years since Rob's death and I got that phone call from a rude cop. I remember when it was the 1 year anniversary. I think it was a bit of a relief. Before the 1 year anniversary passed, I used to go over in my head just about every day and say to myself "1 year ago, we were doing x." It just kept me depressed day in and day out. He was also big in the hacking community and gaming community, so every year on the anniversary, I go searching for his name online. At first, I found a lot of friends and family blog posts. His mom posted a new image of his grave, and I visit his website that his friend now runs. This year, I didn't find anything, so I think his legacy is finally dying. Not sure if that's good or bad, but I think it helps not to see anything anymore.

The first year anniversary is the hardest for sure. It's like you run every second of that day through your head and then you wonder what you could have done to change things. It's a terrible thing to do to yourself, but it's like you can't help it. I think for me, I felt so guilty that I felt like I deserved the pain and deserved to be miserable.

I think you just have to keep reminding yourself that your son (and Rob) were grown men and they made their decisions. You can't control people and what they choose to do to their own bodies. If they choose to make ridiculous decisions, there is not much you can do. Depression is a terrible thing, and I suffered from it terribly after Rob died. I understand what it's like not to want the depression anymore, so and what makes me angry now is that my depression centered around this 1 guy who thought he knew drugs better than anyone else and made a really stupid decision.

So, herbavore, I'm pretty sure you go through some of the same things I went through. When I came to BL, I read stories of what people went through several months or years before I did, and I never thought I'd get over it. Everyone told me time heals, and it does. I don't think you ever do just get over it, but the year anniversary marked a bit of a turning point, because I was able to say goodbye and no longer kept thinking of what we were doing 1 year ago.

You're a strong lady, herbavore. You kinda came here for the same reasons I did. You will be OK, even if "OK" means crying your eyes out.
 
If I Had More Than Words.

In many ways, "mere dates on a calendar" are our only realistic representation of the passage of abstract time. In considering the evolution of an event, or a series of successive events, quantifying time allows us to more clearly and satisfactorily assess both the quality and impact of our responses to those events after a given period.

Jan, I have perhaps the strongest respect for you. The consistency and quality of your involvement with Bluelight (and TDS in particular) engenders a prism through which your strength as a mother, wife, friend, counselor and confidant projects onto all who are, and have been, fortunate enough to know you.

Your son's death was an overwhelming tragedy for this community. And for your family, it simply must have been incomparably destructive and damaging.
Your choices after-the-fact have leant tragedy, in this instance, both positive and compelling purpose. In my eyes, it is within both positivity and purpose that the boundaries of your existence have been forever expanded. Per our private discussions, I know that you have managed to cope with your son's death not by pointing fingers and living in a world characterized by resentment.

Instead, you chose to educate yourself.
You chose to investigate and embrace, rather than avoid, the sorrow.
And now, you inspire - on an international level.

Nearly 365 days later.
There will never be enough time to heal as though Caleb had never died.
But the 365 "mere" ticks on the calendar represents a powerful chronicle of your unbelievable, inspirational and transcendental metamorphosis. It is proof positive, to me, that your son's departure was not, nor ever will have been, in vain. I will forever be grateful for your resounding presence in my life. My fear, in fact, is that "gratitude" may be a woefully inadequate word.


You say that you write because you want us.
You have us.

You will always have us.

That I am fortunate enough to have had my own life graced by the presence of yours is a fortune I will never understand, yet a treasure I will always cherish.

I love you.

~ Jamie
 
Thank you all, every one of you, so much for your replies. It is Mother's Day and my other son gave me a card reading" This is probably going to be a hard Mother's day for you and there is nothing I can say that will change that. But you still have a son and a family that love you very much. I am grateful and proud to be your son and I look forward to the future of our relationship."

It is actually a wonderful Mother's Day. I woke up to a beautiful card from my son, a beautiful PM from one of my Bluelight family and all these messages here. It is a day like any other. I miss Caleb. I did yesterday and I will tomorrow. But it is spring, and the whole world is blossoming extravagantly around me. The only sad thing is that it is foggy and I don't function very well until the sun comes out. I had a moment of humor with Caleb when I went outside and thought, "Fucking burn off, you motherfucking fog!" This is not my normal way of speaking, but it was his. It made me laugh and that felt good. I took it as his Mother's day greeting to me.=D

i know that there are many, many people on this site that have suffered huge losses--some from overdoses or the longterm effects of drug use, and others just from life. A friend from Bluelight is just now trying to rush to the side of his grandmother who is dying. Death is a part of life. We can know it in the abstract but the reality slams us to the ground. When a person dies a whole world, a whole unique reality dies with them. The only thing you can do is to honor that world as best you can with both your tears and your laughter.

Lately I am revisiting the Tibetan Book of the Dead quite a bit. While I do not necessarily think that they have a better view through their particular window into the afterlife than any of the others amongst us, I do love all the metaphors as well as the very concrete assertion that" Compassion for everything that lives is the path through this life and on into our death." i find so much compassion her on Bluelight. I feel very blessed to have my family close by my side, good friends that take care of me and encourage me to talk about Caleb every day and are not afraid of my tears, but really, my family here on Bluelight is equally important to me. Without this unique place where people so very much like my son come to be themselves, to offer support and laughter and debate, I would feel so much more lost in my grief. Thank you so much!<3
 
herbavore said:
It is actually a wonderful Mother's Day. I woke up to a beautiful card from my son, a beautiful PM from one of my Bluelight family and all these messages here. It is a day like any other. I miss Caleb. I did yesterday and I will tomorrow. But it is spring, and the whole world is blossoming extravagantly around me. The only sad thing is that it is foggy and I don't function very well until the sun comes out. I had a moment of humor with Caleb when I went outside and thought, "Fucking burn off, you motherfucking fog!" This is not my normal way of speaking, but it was his. It made me laugh and that felt good. I took it as his Mother's day greeting to me.=D
<3
Click to expand...

<3 Herbavore...!

I am not exactly comfortable with what I wrote, but 'not to know is to discover', is perseverance through open perception. If I choose to know how my day will be, it could be disappointing if it isnt, neither will I be aware of what changes could come.

<3<3<3

_________
"I did yesterday and I will tomorrow. But it is spring, and the whole world is blossoming extravagantly around me"

this is applicable to much of life
 
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Herby, you are an inspiration to me.
From your very first post here on BL to this one, you have done nothing but build on my respect for you.
Losing your child is an unimaginable nightmare, and I am truly pained that you have had to experience this.
Caleb would be so proud of you today though. You are strong, courageous and so generous in your love.
Your first post in this thread made me cry. -I'm no cry baby ;)
I hope one day to be as brave as you are, and to practice what I preach ;) .
Please don't hesitate to reach out to me anytime. <3 While I am not walking in your shoes, I know that feeling of not wanting time to pass, having trouble wading through the grief, all the while trying to stay positive for everyone else.
My situation is very different, but I can understand a little bit, where you are- I sincerely want to be there for you.
I'm always just a phone call or PM away.
You will get through this one year anniversary with more strength underneath you and hopefully find peace in the knowledge that Caleb is smiling down on you. <3
 
Herby, so much love going out to you and your family today. I hope you get through it okay. We're all here for you beautiful <3

Caleb, we miss you and love you so much <3
 
My extreme sympathies to you and your family
I don't know you personally but I do remember your post(s) from a year ago and how deeply upsetting it was.
You'll be in mine and everyone elses thoughts I'm sure.
 
Herbavore, you were there for me when I was getting off heroin back in January and have been of great emotional support for me during my ongoing legal problems. Lots of love to you and your family <3. Towards the end of May last year I had a near fatal heroin overdose and was brought back with a massive naloxone injection from my fiance at the time. I'm thankful for having another attempt at life and to be of service to others and of course a friend when needed. As always you can PM me anytime to talk, chat, joke, etc. You're an incredibly strong and loving person and your presence has been always greatly appreciated here at TDS, speaking for myself, I'm not sure if I would have had the courage to change my ways without your encouraging words and the love I feel here in TDS. <3 <3 <3
~Sero
 
Herbie, you have been such an enrichment for the whole TDS community. So many people including me have been comforted and cheered up by your kindness and wisdom and you deserve the same! I hope you have kind people around you today that help you bear your cross, at least I am with you in my thoughts and I'm sure a lot others from TDS are, too!

<3 <3 <3
 
A huge hug to you herbavore!! <3
You are such an amazing person! Your posts about your son made me cry :( Thank you for sharing. You are really strong and brave and it's so awesome how well you are coping with such a horrible tragedy and are using the experience to make a positive difference in the lives of others. And I'm sure you've already helped prevent this from happening to someone else's son. We are really grateful to have you on Bluelight and in the world. I really don't know what to say to make this time any easier for you, but I guess just know that you have touched the lives of many people you don't even know and that our thoughts are with you. I'm sure Caleb would be proud.
 
To everyone that sent me good vibes, messages and love--thank you. The month came and went and the date didn't stab as much as I anticipated. A friend of Caleb's held a memorial for him with his friends and included us, which felt very good. I miss seeing some of these kids because they were such a big part of my life and they are a connection to my son. The girl that organized it all went back into some of Caleb's old myspace blogs, texts to her and printed them up with pictures and bound them into little booklets. There were flowers and food to share and tears and laughter and many moments of mourning the fact that Caleb was not there to energize the whole gathering the way he always did. We talked about his craziness, his daring, his humor and his big huge heart that helped so many of them and left such a huge hole. It was so meaningful to share that pain with others outside the family.

Once again I was reminded of the importance of making community. We all need each other so much. Isolation (both in feeling and in reality) is a lethal killer in our world. I am so grateful for my Bluelight community. You are the surprise that life gave me when it felt like everything had been taken away. Nothing will ever take away the pain of losing this beautiful person that I conceived, carried and nurtured into life. Nothing will ever diminish the experience of being the person to find his perfect young body still and cold. But having all of you in my life, people that understand what he was going through, what he faced and felt, is so comforting to me. I hope that you all can take great pride and comfort yourselves in knowing how much you give to me. <3
 
^You really know how to get me crying through your posts, in a good way though. :) <3

I know I don't just speak for myself when I say that I'm extremely thankful to all you've given back to Bluelight. I don't really like the word blessing, but that's truly what you are. <3 <3 <3
 
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