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In Twenty days it will have been a year

herbavore

herbavore

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jul 26, 2011
Messages
14,944
Location
in a dream
As many of you know I am on Bluelight because of my son, Caleb (ektamine), who died of an overdose on May 30, 2011. (http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/588158-In-the-interest-of-honesty?highlight=interest+honesty) He died alone, sitting in his apartment, hours after I dropped him off after giving him a ride home from his first night on a new job. He had been struggling with extreme anxiety and depression and mood swings his whole life and drug abuse and addiction (MDVP) for the past few years. The last words that we ever spoke to each other were "I love you".

I dreaded the year changing from 2011 because I felt that time just had to stop. I didn't want it to get further and further beyond the night that we spoke those words, beyond the time when it was possible to just believe this was all a bad dream and that at any moment I could get a text from him or that I would hear him burst in the side door yelling, "where the fuck is everyone?" And I have dreaded the anniversary date of his death in the same way. I don't want to admit that time is just marching right along without him; that other confused and searching young men will get the time to feel and work their way through the hard times and find their footing in a lighter place, but he will not. He would have been 21 on Monday. May will always hold his birthday and the anniversary of his death.

I guess I am writing this here because I need you, my Bluelight community, to hold me. I am not fragile, I am not going to crumble or die, but I am sad with a sadness that makes even howling inadequate. I have a loving family and some of the most awesome friends on the face of the earth to turn to. But I want you. I want all of you that know what he struggled with, what he went through, how he courageously he fought.

I have had 345 days to learn to live with this and the only thing that I can say has gotten easier is keeping it together at work and in other social and professional situations. Missing him gets more acute as time passes. These next 3 weeks are going to be hard for me as irrational as that is--(it is only dates on a calendar after all). I think that it would really help me to have a place to come look for a message from you all in the coming days.

<3<3<3
herbavore
 
this brought tears to my eyes. i can only imagine what the past year has been like for you, herby. <3

i love that you've used this experience to help others on bluelight and have made such a huge difference in the lives of others. caleb would've been proud of you as i'm sure he already was.

i know this is hard and it always will be, but please know that you have a lot of people here to lean on and that won't change. i wish you and your family an enormous amount of love, hope, and strength. you are amazing. <3 <3 <3 (((herbavore))) <3 <3 <3
 
Wow I'm extremely sorry about the loss of your son. It's funny because I was at a time so close to being on the opposite side of your situation. I had OD'd myself, but got clean soon after.

Unfortunately I did not pass that day, and looking back I wish I did. I lost my father to complications with his heart and blood infections indirectly linked to drug use. I was 20 he was 42. While I of course can't (nor won't) try to understand your exact situation the loss is very much real. I can't speak on the relationship of you and your son or losing a child, but I lost a best friend that day. As a matter of fact tears still cloud my eyes as I type this now.

While bluelight isn't for everyone, and isn't always full of the most mature people, there is a lot of empathy and acceptance here. Everyone has had hardships here, some small and some big, but no matter what it was they will always try to help and understand.

herbavore said:
I guess I am writing this here because I need you, my Bluelight community, to hold me. I am not fragile, I am not going to crumble or die, but I am sad with a sadness that makes even howling inadequate. I have a loving family and some of the most awesome friends on the face of the earth to turn to. But I want you. I want all of you that know what he struggled with, what he went through, how he courageously he fought.

I have had 345 days to learn to live with this and the only thing that I can say has gotten easier is keeping it together at work and in other social and professional situations. Missing him gets more acute as time passes. These next 3 weeks are going to be hard for me as irrational as that is--(it is only dates on a calendar after all). I think that it would really help me to have a place to come look for a message from you all in the coming days.

<3<3<3
herbavore
Click to expand...

There is a lot of truth in this piece here. While you are a bit more forward and open, I'm very quiet and reserved about speaking about my father, albeit slightly more depressed because of it. In the years following (and still now that I am clean from drugs) I find it hard to cope, but it's just easier to keep myself together in public. I still wait for my fiance to go to sleep before I cry and lose my composure, as to not project my hurt and hardships onto her. And while I can't tell you that you HAVE to speak to your family about your son, I highly recommend that you do. It was and still is a problem that I won't speak about it to anyone, family, friend, nor doctor.

I'm sure you aren't asking for help, a shoulder, or even advice, I will always be here to stop and listen if you need (as I'm sure others will as well) - I know you just need someone to listen, but try to get it out in real life as well. I've tried to help many others with losses, but even though you get advice and sympathy over the computer, it never helps like it does to actually speak the words in person.

May god watch over you and your family. My condolences. Again, please do not hesitate to PM me or ask anything of me at all. We are all here to help, and your son is obviously in a better place. I'm sorry for your loss and I hope the next 365 days bring an ease to the pain. I know the 1 year mark is hard, but trust me it does get easier.

-Nick
 
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Herb I am so happy you have decided to create this thread to reach out to us. I am also so so so grateful you decided to reach out to us and understand us when you first found Bluelight as well. You have no idea how many people you have helped in the process. Myself included in this to such a great extent. I wouldn't be back on Bluelight and seeking support or have the feeling of friendship and acceptance that I desperately needed at this time in my life if it wasn't for you.

I will always be here for you. I am thankful for our friendship. I am excited for our future. I adore you and admire you so much as a person. <3<3
 
I'm so sorry for your loss Herb. There is nothing I can say that could in any way diminish your sense loss, or alleviate your sorrow, and one of the saddest aspects of our human condition is that it's at those times when we most urgently and sincerely want to give what little comfort we can to help ease another's sorrow that we feel at our most powerless and most inadequate, but still, for what it's worth, I genuinely feel for you. I've only experienced the loss of a father and know how deep and raw that is. The loss of a son is beyond my imagining. That you should in spite of that loss so actively and constantly give so much of yourself to everyone here, with such warmth, and wisdom, and genuine compassion is truly remarkable. It cannot be overstated just how valuable that is, and just how valuable you are to us all. You're due as many shoulders as you think you might need, and I can only hope you're able to take some small measure of the strength and comfort you've given all of us in the past.

Anniversaries are always hard, even for me now 30 odd years on from my own father's death. It's not that we forget about our loved ones the rest of the year, or forget the sense of loss we feel, though it does becomes easier to bear of course in time. They're always with us day by day, and the hole they leave in our lives, being shaped uniquely like them can never be filled by anything or anyone else. It's just that anniversaries, like christmases and birthdays are more prominently marked in our minds as milestones and days we might have shared, that cause us to wonder just what they and we would have been doing on them, for good or bad, and sometimes we let our imagination run with some idealised projection of our innermost hopes and wishes had things been different. Consequently it sometimes feels like the fact that our fantasies can only ever be the fantasies they were to begin with makes the sense of loss more real. It's strange how that works, but there it is. They seem all the sadder because of that. The run up to significant dates for me is still stressful, even after all this time, because emotions that are ordinarily there only as part of the general background noise of life requiring nothing in the way of conscious attention suddenly come to the fore, and remind me that no matter how successful of late I might have been at coping with them, and rationalising and compartmentalising them so I can still function as a human being without being overwhelmed by them they will always be there as a source of deep sadness for me. I don't think there's any escaping that, it will always be there, but in recent years my response to it has changed so that I don't fear them, thinking only of the relief that will come once it's out of the way in the way I used to.

It's taken me a long time to learn that while carrying the burden of it is doable for the most part, dwelling too long on the feeling of loss means I sometimes just won't have the energy for it and things will start to weigh too heavily on me, and feed into other things, but a little shift in focus to the things I had, and shared and gained from him as my dad, even if only for a short time takes the weight of it away almost completely, cos with barely an exception every memory I have of my time with him himself is just golden. The days and years after his death are the very darkest of memories, obviously, but they don't relate to him as such. Those memories are more abstract, and more properly mine and mine alone, but when I put my mind to remembering those times we actually had together the overwhelming emotion is whatever the combination of joy, and pride, and security, and love add up to together, and that feeling is bigger and stronger than any amount of sadness and loss. Whereas I used to dread christmases, obligation days like Father's Day, birthday, anniversary, whatever because I was afraid of opening old wounds, now they're a chance to talk about him, and share memories with other people, some of whom I'll share that memory with, some of whom will add something new to the store of stories I have about him and what he was really like as a bloke in his own right, not just as my dad. I so wish I'd learned that sooner: some things would have been so much easier in my younger days. I'm certain that you, being a woman and a mother and stuff in a way that necessarily means you're gonna be way more intelligent every which way than I am, even as a supposedly intelligent bloke who has nevertheless generally managed to quite spectacularly miss even the simplest of things in life that most other people seem to know till quite late will have discovered that already though! ;) I think that's the biggest source of comfort we can have, and while it's inevitably going to be even more difficult over the coming days than it has been ordinarily over the past year I think if for every dark memory, thought, and emotion that arises you can consciously draw on memories of happer times, especially in the company of others who can share their own memories with you and maybe add to yours it will help you through them enormously. In time I hopes the pain that dates like these cause will be softened by the good things they also bring to the fore. In the meantime, sending you the best internet hugs I can find. You'll be in my thoughts over the coming days. Much love.
 
Damn and too think im bitching about my small little problems compared to some.... Fuck man, you are sooo strong. I couldnt imagine losing someone that close to me :| <3 you herb! Keep your head up.
Your post about your son brought tears to my eyes. That must have been a tragic thing walking in their and seeing him dead. My parents always dreaded that day was coming :\ Its fucking sad that drug addicts are so looked down upon and given a bad name. Because we are some of the smartest and caring people (not in our active addiction) of course :p But man.... I can totally relate with how people look at me in the real world and how no one cared this and that. Pretty much what you wrote about your son i could totally relate. I guess thats why i like the dark side so much. Yall give me the credit i deserve. Sure i fuck up. But at least im trying to work through it... We just dont know how to live. But ya im rambling hah on a rant. Im real sorry :'[ <33
 
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This is the nightmare of every mother angel burden to not know -

although, ever she wishes her every child realize, how -

not to know is to discover so


Life exists ever always in the of such heart persistent everlasting.
 
Its very hard to lose a loved one but I don't need to say that because sadly we know that quite well. The year of my boyfriend/best friend's death came up in April and I didn't know how I was going to handle it. I wasn't sure if I was going to breakdown again or what. Yet I actually didn't do that. Yes, I may have shed a few tears but when that day came I knew it shouldn't be about his death.... It should be about their life. I listened to all his favorite songs and things he would play for me. I threw a letter in a bottle into the river again for him and I spoke to him throughout the day. I also talked with friends and my sister about all the memories we had with him. It made things a lot easier. I know it will be hard but stay strong <3 I know you will and he's not gone... He will always be there by your side. Life will go on but their life will also live on; all the memories and everything else inbetween.
 
I wasn't on bluelight back then and never spoke to caleb, but reading all this is really sad. It's the worst thing for anyone when their child passes, my condolences and stay strong.
 
Please stay strong these next weeks, herbavore. I sent you a PM if you don't mind. <3 I know how hard it is to have someone close to you pass away, but I can't say I know your specific pain. We all have our own burdens to bear and all we can do is make the best of a terrible situation. I hope you find your positive way of coping with the loss of your dear son Caleb.
 
Wow, that was really emotive. I actually have a tear on my cheek, quite possibly a first over something I read online.

Nothing I can say will make this even 1% easier for you, but I hope you know that if it could then I'd happily say it.

Much love. <3
 
I am so very sorry for your loss, herbavore, and should you need anything at all, and are absolutely desperate and unable to find anyone you know online or available via phone or letter, carrier pigeon or some other means, then please consider me on your side. I don't desire for any more sons and daughters of loving, confused parents to die because of drug abuse, but I've really come to learn that men and women, even the ones who spend the majority of their time on this particular forum, in the end, also find it very hard to follow their own rules; their own advice, if you like.

Really, it's so easy to tell someone else that they "need to stop taking drugs" or to "try and take drugs in moderation and never attempt a dose that you can't handle" and to "always check with a small dose to see how you react and to get an idea of the purity". But then, when the time comes that we must stop taking drugs, and after so many threads and posts explaining that others must do it, it's still bloody difficult and practically-impossible, or can seem so, rather, at times...

In the end, at least his last words to you were happy ones; sincere ones; words that summed up your relationship quite simply yet honestly: "I love you." Why would he not say that? You're his mother. But now he's gone and I'm not a parent, so I can't tell you how to go about living after the death of a child, but I dread the day where my own mother might experience something equally disgustingly painful and heart-breaking!

You'll be in my thoughts, as will your son.
I wish I'd known him.
Take care, and I hope you keep it together, or lose it, or whatever's best for your mental health right now.
Just focus on yourself.
Because after a death, I know the feeling of time becoming meaningless: it plays strange tricks with how quickly or slowly it passes, stretching moments of agony into (seemingly) endless ages; times of elation or respite are expended in seconds, though I don't expect you to be experiencing much joy, elation or amusement right now...

Again, I'm sorry.
Again, take care.
We're all here for you, as you've been for us. %)
 
Herbavore I hope that you believe me when I say that I am one of those people who are there for you. I know that our relationship is only maintained over the internet but you are honestly one of the best friends I've had. I've been found crying at my computer because just talking to you after a hard day or some of the things that you tell me just hit me right in the heart and I can't help it. You and me have laughed, cried, had some deep conversations, you've pointed out my utter stupidity in life, and you've also helped me through the absolute hardest year of my life.

I don't think that you should try to fear this anniversary. After all, a year is just a human concept, but the love and legacy that Caleb left behind in people's lives, especially yours, is completely undying. Just remember the past year without your son, I'm sure it's been absolutely crazy. Life went by faster than you thought it would, I'm sure you never imagined happiness, or that you would even reach this point. The sadness of a child's death might be eternal, but it opened up a whole new chapter in your life, and you have Caleb to thank for the many new friends you have made. If I could go back in time and change everything for you, and basically make it so I'd never have met you, I completely would do that. But unfortunately life just keeps on moving in the same direction whether we want it to or not. We can't take things back, we can just hold on to what we have and move forward with the new cards in life that we have been dealt.

What am I saying though, I'm still just a 15 year old. Herbavore, we'll have another phone conversation soon. When I see you on June 13th, I am going to hug the living shit out of you (get ready) I do hope you believe me when I say that you're one of the most special people in my life and I have so much to thank you for. I wish I could do it by making everything better, but my friendship and love will always be the best things I have to offer for you.
 
I wish I had words to express how sorry I am for what you are going through. As a mom of 2, I can't even begin to comprehend the strength you must have inside you.

Sending hugs your way. Like everyone else here, I wish there was more I could offer.
 
I am so sorry you have to go through this. You, your son and all your family did not deserve it. A very close friend of mine died a few years ago when he was just fourteen and, even though I can't possible imagine how much worse your situation is, I know how big of a hole that can leave. I am so impressed that you found it in you to come here on Bluelight and help so many people, including myself, who are struggling with similar problems. You are an exceptional person and I know you can get through this.
<3
 
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