im so fucked

[cj]

IMHO, addicts who are resistant to the shared experience of AA are looking for an excuse to continue to use. Just my 2 cents.QUOTE]


Thats the very attitude that drives so many away from the program your trying to promote. I understand that your hear doing your 12th step and I hav tolerance to that up to a point. But when you start saying that people who dont agree with your program dont want to get clean that strait infuriates me. I know many many people who have gotten clean without AA or NA. Im not even gonna get into the weak ass success rates the "program" has. Just acknowledge that your way isnt the only way and I got no problem with you pushing your agenda

 

[ihatepipes]

god fucking damn i need to stop using opiates
they are fucking me up too bad
im depressed and lonely, and i dont want my life to be like this.

i am currently in a intensive outpatient program and i still cant stay fucking sober!!i feel like opiates have such a strong grip on me. im not physically dependent though because i dont have enough $$ to get me there which is a plus

i know its as easy to just saay stop, but its fucking hard!! is the sober life really for me? right now i can either chose to get sober or be completely cut off from my family..which would suck because i've spent all of my work money and savings on drugs so my parents are paying for the car, phone, and apartment...

will it really work? if you went to rehab, how did you stay sober?? so much of me wants for me to want this for myself...yah kno? i just don't have the driving urge at the moment, but i can see things slip away day by day..

advice and support would greatly help!

this might sound dumb, but i take to heart what others have to say about my situation on this sight, because no one is here to be bullshit and be like all fucking gung-ho about sobriety and preach and all this shit


idk, i just need help man

So, here is my take on the whole rehab thing: The more you go the more you learn, and many people go through rehab multiple times before they get sober. It seems as though you have not hit your bottom yet. For me the bottom was sitting in a corner of my apartment crying because I felt my life was totally and completely fucked as a result of the fact that I screwed everyone possible. This is the point at which I was able to get clean for awhile and work on my issues. At that point I was getting high to escape my problems, and when I cleaned up I had to deal with all of those issues all at once. Once I dealt with those issues (mental illness=medication / fucked up events=therapy) I am able to get high and enjoy the feeling instead of getting high to escape whatever problems I thought I had that day (you might not want to use ever again and that is fine I just shared my experience with you).

In conclusion, and after having read some of the other posts in this thread I have to say that the formula for cleaning up your act is in this thread.

1. Realize that you have gotten to the lowest point you want to be at and stop taking drugs so you can start to rebuild your life.
2. NO OLD PEOPLE, OLD PLACES, or OLD THINGS (by no old things I mean distance yourself from any paraphenalia (sp?), habits you associate with using, etc.)
3. Replace your use of drugs with a positive activity (if you don't do this you will always have a hard time with cravings)

And that is about it besides rebuilding your life, and making amends to the people you have wronged. You can repay family and non using friends yourself but if you have debt to drug dealers or people you used to use with that you feel must be paid have someone else give them the money for you because misery loves company and I have seen alot of people screw up their sobriety by making contact with old people.

 

[dopesic]

12 step programs are not the answer for every addict.

 

[phactor]

Kratom is not a more effective solution then Suboxone. Kratom still gives a user a "high", Suboxone does not. Suboxone is dispensed at a pharmacy and the dose is always universal. Kratom varies.

Suboxone can be tapered down to a point where the WD is very manageable. Most "horror stories" are from people who jump off at way too high of a dose. My WD from Suboxone was annoying for 2 or 3 days, but nothing compared to full agonist withdrawal.

 

[xburtonchic]

I feel your pain dude, I'm in the same boat. I haven't gone to jail or anything, but I definitely feel I've hit my own form of rock bottom with opiate addiction and I'm ready for it to be OVER. Unfortunately I have a much stronger habit than you seem to, and also unfortunately, different things work for different people so I don't think anyone will be able to give you a magic answer. You have to find what works for you.

For me it's getting outside help. I was in rehab for a gnarly meth addiction when I was a teenager just out of high school. It was like, graduate and then head to rehab... I wasn't happy about it at first but it saved my life. I haven't touched the stuff since and I feel disgusted by it when I see people smoke it/snort it in front of me... no temptation, ever, whatsoever even 7 years later. That's why tomorrow I'm going to a detox facility and then hopefully transferring to a rehab for H. For other people though, rehab and detox programs just don't work... other people can tough it out on their own... while others use methadone/Suboxone maintenance... etc. We're really very fortunate that there are so many options available these days, because no one person is alike and there isn't one set way to get clean. You just have to try different methods out until you find one that works for you. One thing I will say, and this is a fact, is that you will never get clean until YOU are ready and doing it only for YOU. I think that's the only constant thing that's true for everybody when it comes to addiction and recovery. Hang in there though, if you want sobriety then you will find it eventually. I wish you the best of luck!

 

[laCster]

wow thank you all for yall of the advice and posts!! i was off doing my rehab shit for a while so i didnt read all the great responses here.

i am done with the rehab though, its fucking a waste of time. i have been using roxi and heroin almost everyday ive been in there which is about 2months now.

im trying suboxone treatment, moving out of my parents house, and starting over.

 

[stardust.hero]

So sorry to hear the program didn't help and that you were using while you were in it :-/. Always a bummer to enter a dud program. It's a good thing to hear that you are looking into suboxone treatment and attempting to start over yet again. This shows you aren't ready to give in just yet. Good for you!

 

[laCster]

thanks for support stardust! i appreciate it

the current dilemma i am in though is that i dont know if i will qualify for suboxone treatment.
i hope that i can get on suboxone treatment even though i might piss clean and not be in WD because i know if i dont get on it i will end up on heroin again. everytime i go back out it gets worse and worse too i wont stop trying though, if this doctor i am seeing on tuesday wont let me in, i will find someone else to go to. i cant keep doing hard opiates, i will end up dead or in jail and i know i have potential to finish school and go somewhere in life

i am also trying to see a therapist to try and "cure" my depression and low self-esteem..wish me luck!!

 

[maxalfie]

Hey mate,I've been a heroin addict for over 10 years now.
Believe me that you are gonna have to keep looking for something that will keep you from doing drugs. It doesn't matter what it is but you need something to keep you from using.
If you don't find that certain something then you could be setting yourself up for one shit life mate and you can't want that.
I wish I had looked & found something to stop me from using, but I never did.
Now over a decade down the line I find myself spending nearly every penny I earn on drugs. I have one true friend that doesn't use drugs but many drug 'friends'that would steal from me in an instant for their next hit.
I am lonely because the heroin made me seclude myself from all my family etc and I can't see life ever being the same for me.
I just don't want to see anyone else travel down this lonely road of shit.

 

[herbavore]

thanks for support stardust! i appreciate it

the current dilemma i am in though is that i dont know if i will qualify for suboxone treatment.
i hope that i can get on suboxone treatment even though i might piss clean and not be in WD because i know if i dont get on it i will end up on heroin again. everytime i go back out it gets worse and worse too i wont stop trying though, if this doctor i am seeing on tuesday wont let me in, i will find someone else to go to. i cant keep doing hard opiates, i will end up dead or in jail and i know i have potential to finish school and go somewhere in life

i am also trying to see a therapist to try and "cure" my depression and low self-esteem..wish me luck!!

I will wish you luck, laCster, but you already have something more than luck going for you. You sound really determined! Whatever you do, don't get discouraged in your hunt for a good therapist. The first one is not allways a good fit so don't be afraid to be really proactive in your search for someone that you click with. This is your wellbeing that you are seeking and you deserve to have help that moves you forward. Good luck with the subs.

 

[laCster]

Hey mate,I've been a heroin addict for over 10 years now.
Believe me that you are gonna have to keep looking for something that will keep you from doing drugs. It doesn't matter what it is but you need something to keep you from using.
If you don't find that certain something then you could be setting yourself up for one shit life mate and you can't want that.
I wish I had looked & found something to stop me from using, but I never did.
Now over a decade down the line I find myself spending nearly every penny I earn on drugs. I have one true friend that doesn't use drugs but many drug 'friends'that would steal from me in an instant for their next hit.
I am lonely because the heroin made me seclude myself from all my family etc and I can't see life ever being the same for me.
I just don't want to see anyone else travel down this lonely road of shit.

damn man thats rough!! i feel for you dude...i always think, "heh that will never be me," but the reality is that i could end up living on the streets soon. thank you for sharing your story and input...idk what that something will be to satisfy my drug cravings, but whatever it takes, i will find it..

much love

I will wish you luck, laCster, but you already have something more than luck going for you. You sound really determined! Whatever you do, don't get discouraged in your hunt for a good therapist. The first one is not allways a good fit so don't be afraid to be really proactive in your search for someone that you click with. This is your wellbeing that you are seeking and you deserve to have help that moves you forward. Good luck with the subs.

damn man, that's some really insightful stuff!! even though i am ambivalent and scared to get sober and live a healthy life, i think my rational side of me is shining through and giving me zeal to accomplish sobriety and conquer my depression and loneliness.

i have been to many therapists throughout the past 3 years...you're right, some thherapists and shrinks suckk hardcore. i went to one today and i seemed to click with her and she understood where i was at. i am going to her next week, asnd i guess i will just take it one week at a time. if i dont get what i need i will keep searching.

i really appreciate the support i am going through the hardest thing i have ever experienced in my life: getting off drugs. its like climbing a mountain that is covered in slippery moss. i slip up when i start to climb, but each time i come back i get closer and closer to the top. now i am rambling, but i feel happy right now..

i keep saying to myself, "i have to stay sober, i fucking have to!" my opiate cravings are on the back burner right now but i thought about heroin all day today, it was bad however i took my prescribed gabapentin and i feel alot better..

thanks for the help again herbavore, and thanks for wishing me lucks with the subs, i need it!

 

[stardust.hero]

So much luck!!! Subs are a godsend and I know they will put you on a straight path. You deserve it so much!

 

[laCster]

i cant thank you enough stardust! i know if i want something really bad and work towards getting it, i can achieve it. reading your last post instilled some confidence in me. i will go to the sub doc on tuesday and just tell him straight up where i;m at. i cant live doing heroin and oxy for the rest of my life..

i fucking love you stardust;thank you for responding to my thread and helping me out with my situation



i'm getting off bluelight for now because reading about how people are blowing down lines of H and pharm opiates is making me crazy. i will be on tomorow

love

 

[herbavore]

^smart move!

 

[stardust.hero]

laCster Thank you, comments like that remind me why I am here and why I want to be part of this community. You are amazing!

Are you trying to get on subs as a maintenance program or to detox for say like a week or so?

 

[laCster]

i'm trying for suboxone maintnence for a couple months until i have a long enough time off drugs (mainly opiates like heroin and oxycodone), and then i want to taper off.

lucky me i came down with a cold and my nose is stuffed, im tired nd i get hot and cold flashes which are all WD symptoms (WD maybe?) so hopefully i will look like im in WD to the sub doc........but i feel like such a lier

idk what to do about pissing clean on tuesday. do i say that i used heroin on friday, roxi on saturday and tried to maintain on kratom fo sunday and monday?

or do i just tell him the truth that i have been strung out for 3-4 months repeating a cycle of using heroin/roxi for 2-3 weeks, stopping for 4-6 days, and then starting over again with drugs?? and that i am on the stopping for 4-6 days part of my cycle?

like i said, if i dont get accepted, i need to either find another sub doc or buy some kratom and try that because i know if i dont do either i will certainly go back out to the streets and buy more dope!

much love herbavore, satrdust, and everyone who has posted in my thread

 

[stardust.hero]

I'm not sure what would be more helpful in convincing the doctor you really need suboxone :-/ unfortunately. Hopefully someone else will have some history and advice on that subject.

I know I've mentioned before about removing yourself from being in contact with people who use to help you but...

IF you cannot get your doctor to work with you with the subs I would honestly ask around. A lot of people trade their subs for heroin so someone you know may have it and not know you are interested in that. I know this is probably not the optimum route but I know what a life saver suboxone is and I would 100% support any means of getting it as opposed to buying dope. There are ways to stretch one 8mg pill to work for several days if you can't get a full script.

I am crossing my fingers for you that you can get a doctor to work with you but if that route fails look into that alternate option. Ask all friends if anyone knows where to get suboxone. I've found that at least someone in the network knows someone with them.

 

[laCster]

i dont know, i thinkg i will try the using roxi on saturday excuse because i usually pass a drug ttest the next day or the day after so i which would explain why i would come up clean on tuesday. i also will say that i just bought some kratom because my dope dealers wouldnt answer which would explain why i am not in full WD. i dont even know if they are going to drug test me loool. i am just freaking out because i really really really want this to work and i really want to stop using heroin and get on suboxone.

i know people with suboxone but it would be ultra sketchy, and i am living at my parents house right now. they said if i even do anything sketchy, and they suspect im getting high i am out of the house..

however, my parents did say that if this suboxone doctor doesnt work out, that i can try to look for another. if that doesn't work, they said i could try methadone, but id much rather be on suboxone.

i really think this is the way to go for me, it iwll help me get off harder opiates and after a while of not doing heroin, hopefully i will be able to control my urges.

love

 

[laCster]

fuck yah!! i got a suboxone script, i have therapist who i am seeing now, and i am going to NA meetings everyday!!

i feel alot better now

thanks for all of the help all of you posted

much

 

[Missykins]

i'm trying for suboxone maintnence for a couple months until i have a long enough time off drugs (mainly opiates like heroin and oxycodone), and then i want to taper off.

lucky me i came down with a cold and my nose is stuffed, im tired nd i get hot and cold flashes which are all WD symptoms (WD maybe?) so hopefully i will look like im in WD to the sub doc........but i feel like such a lier

idk what to do about pissing clean on tuesday. do i say that i used heroin on friday, roxi on saturday and tried to maintain on kratom fo sunday and monday?

or do i just tell him the truth that i have been strung out for 3-4 months repeating a cycle of using heroin/roxi for 2-3 weeks, stopping for 4-6 days, and then starting over again with drugs?? and that i am on the stopping for 4-6 days part of my cycle?

like i said, if i dont get accepted, i need to either find another sub doc or buy some kratom and try that because i know if i dont do either i will certainly go back out to the streets and buy more dope!

much love herbavore, satrdust, and everyone who has posted in my thread

Lying to your physian is your addict speaking. Tell him the truth--it's compelling enough.