im so fucked

[laCster]

god fucking damn i need to stop using opiates
they are fucking me up too bad
im depressed and lonely, and i dont want my life to be like this.

i am currently in a intensive outpatient program and i still cant stay fucking sober!!i feel like opiates have such a strong grip on me. im not physically dependent though because i dont have enough $$ to get me there which is a plus

i know its as easy to just saay stop, but its fucking hard!! is the sober life really for me? right now i can either chose to get sober or be completely cut off from my family..which would suck because i've spent all of my work money and savings on drugs so my parents are paying for the car, phone, and apartment...

will it really work? if you went to rehab, how did you stay sober?? so much of me wants for me to want this for myself...yah kno? i just don't have the driving urge at the moment, but i can see things slip away day by day..

advice and support would greatly help!

this might sound dumb, but i take to heart what others have to say about my situation on this site, because no one is here to be bullshit and be like all fucking gung-ho about sobriety and preach and all this shit


idk, i just need help man

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

NA. Seriously, give it a try, forget your preconceptions. It's saving my life right now.

 

[laCster]

i dislike the 12 steps, and i am basically going to NA meetings every day..i am in outpatient rehab

i appreciate your response though

much

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

I'm not doing the steps yet. I just know that going and getting support from other addicts is very comforting.

 

[stardust.hero]

You need to remove yourself from situations that you will have the chance to be reminded of opiates if you cannot actually move yourself to a completely new location altogether. Get rid of contacts. Do different activities than the ones you used to do. Even visiting a certain store you remember getting high in can be triggering. If you can get yourself to stay clean for a few days and then change all of the things about your life that remind you of opiates it should set you on a good path. Everyone says it, but it's true, don't talk to friends you've used with. Even if you think they will understand you are trying to get clean. You have to want it and accept it 100%. Try to come to terms with yourself that this is what you have to do. It will take a lot of concentration and effort to finally decide it is what you want.

 

[RedLeader]

I've said it before and I'll say it again: You NEED to find things in your life that you want more than one more high. Futhermore, these need to be things which do not work very well with the idea of still using recreationally.

The thing is that opiates make you feel better and they will always make you feel better, so it's completely rational to want them for the rest of your life. It's extremely difficult, if not impossible, to stop your cravings altogether. I've been off of them for a few months now and I still think about them everyday, and I still acknowledge that it would feel nice to get high again. Again, though, there are things I want in life now that mean more to me than a few hours of escapism. They mean enough that I'm not going to risk "one more time" for them, at least not anytime soon.

What are those things? Sure, getting my life on track - better job, new car, new place, good relationship - those are things I want and things I'll never have if I have to keep financing and maintaining opiate habit. But that's not enough. I want my dignity back, I want self-confidence, I want people to respect me and I want to respect myself, I want to be able to help others. I really, really want these things. Really badly. I've had jobs, cars, relationships, but I've never really felt comfortable with myself and my roles within our society. Hell, that's what made me turn to hard drugs (see, you *think* you turn to them for "recreation," but it's more complicated than that). Sure, I'll work toward a lot of the material goals and some may come sooner than others, but I need the immaterial stuff if I want to be successful in life, if I want to be happy and if I want to avoid addiction or suicide indefinitely. I have a little bit of hope that I can achieve these things and make the metal aching go away, and even that hope feels very, very good. I imagine it only gets better too.

And the hard drugs just don't fit into this at all. I'm tired of being scared, of hiding from things, of wanting to escape. Who would want to live that way? It's awful. Sure, the drugs make it feel better, but they also numb a lot of good stuff away as well (note that I'm talking about the opiates, benzos, coke, alcohol...not necessarily psyches/ecstasy). When you're stuck on drugs, you cannot have both (1) the pain at bay and (2) being fully engaged with the world. It's one of those "cake and eat it too" types of things. But you CAN have both of those if you get clean and work hard.

So ya, you need things to facilitate mental recovery - get a job, read/learn, exercise, buy new clothes, meet new people, see new places. You need to have good things that you stand to lose if you go back on drugs. You cannot stop simply to avoid the same pains of the past. We're all insane in addiction and we think that things won't necessarily repeat.

Here's where I'm at right now:

- I have a job. It's not the best and I'm well-overqualified for it, but I have money to pay my bills, it keeps me busy during the day and it helps my interpersonal skills.

- I exercise daily. I have not seen my body look this good in years, and that alone makes me feel better. Sure, it's a little vain, BUT IT'S NOT DOING HEROIN. And if I went back to heroin, my body would fall apart.

- I have a crush on a girl. Sounds silly, and sure it's frustrating that I cannot exactly have her on my arm right now, but IT'S NOT LIKE WORRYING ABOUT WHERE THE DOPE MONEY WILL COME FROM. It's innocent fun, she's a good person who I respect a lot, and who knows what might happen. She may or may not be up for it if I did ask her out, but she definitely would not be up for it if I was still a soulless heroin addict.

Did rehab work for me? No, I used 24 hours after getting out.

Do AA meetings work for me? No, I have serious issues with the disease model (to start...) and I find those meetings to be miserable, dreary and depressing.

Does talk-therapy work for me? I'm not trying to sound overconfident, but I can pretty much predict the words out of their mouths. I never feel like I hear anything original.


The only thing that works for me is MY OWN WILL to hold out for the possibility that the pain will go away and I can feel better in this lifetime. Being clean/sober is a prerequisite for that. The rest isn't easy, no, and I struggle on a daily basis with a lot of stuff. But I'm so caught up in everything I'm doing now that it's a lot easier these days to not seriously entertain the idea of going backwards in life.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I'm going to agree with RedLeader here.

Focus on having positive experiences with your girlfriend.

Does she understand what you are going through?

 

[cj]

Redleader gave some solid advice lots of stuff I agree with. I just wanted to say that getting off opiates is a process. You need to have patience with yourself, you gotta learn to like yourself. It sounds corny and shit but you gotta figure out why you want to be high all the time and correct it. Whether that means talk therapy meditation meetings masturbating or w/e. for me it has been a combination of things I got into college I got laid a few times I started playing basketball and working out not one of those things makes me happy like heroin did but the combnation of them all keeps me busy and that breeds contentment. Dude on bluelight told me some sage wisdom that really really pissed me off at the time. he said your never gonna be happy like you were on opiates so just stop worrying about it and live your life.

 

[silentcowboy]

kratom turned my opiate-addicted life style around. im still dependent on the kratom but im always happy, can afford my habit, and am not living the life of an addict. just my experience

 

[xHippiexchildx]

Opiates are horrible to get addicted to. I feel your pain.. I had to go through the suboxone program to get clean.. It worked.. but I had the worst withdrawals imaginable.

You need to find hobbies. Hobbies are a must when trying to get clean.

 

[cryptix420]

Have you considered kratom?

Iboagaine is another alternative, but one I know little about and is probably less realistic.

I will be sending you healing energy in your quest to get clean

 

[deadmau]

Bro I feel you my life completely sucks because of opiates now.

I've lost long childhood friendships because of drugs but that's not the worst part. I'm absolutely frightened of withdrawal and bored as he'll when I'm not using. I seriously feel like my brain is missing something, I can't have fun unless I do some OP. I quit my job to get clean and I used so much on the job it was routine, there was no way I could continue and not think of opiates. Well now I'm fucked because I keep using, blowing the last of my money I need to survive and rent and am in debt to so many people.

I have no hobbies I can do sober. Smple things like xbox remind me of using. I have half a sub I'm gonna split into 4 and take over 4 days and hopefully I can do this but I'm so weak and so fucked in the head.

 

[endlessnameless]

When I'm not as fucking near catatonically depressed as I am now, I'll share the 'wisdom' I've earned from my own parallels, but for now all I can offer is love.

I understand the pain. Please stay safe and be well.

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

i dislike the 12 steps, and i am basically going to NA meetings every day..i am in outpatient rehab

i appreciate your response though

much

No you aren't, you're in a melting pot of ill people trying to get better. How often do you talk to addicts that are 5/10/20 years clean and are living the clean life they want to live in your rehab? If you don't like the steps don't do them, just go and listen to the experience of other addicts. I can see why you would be put off a 12 step program, it would be so much better if all mention of god was cut from the literature. If someone had have told me a year ago I would in future be attending a twelve step program I would have told them they were a fucking cretin. I'm not religious and I don't feel spiritual, but I don't feel alone now any more.

Just a suggestion, maybe NA is very different where you are. Or maybe, as you say, it's just not for you. All I know is I used to think the same thing, I'm now clean and moving towards serenity (slowly).

I am also unsure of whether the sober life is for me, in fact it scares me. However, I can also say that since starting to attend meetings 4 months ago, I feel SO much better, and it's been through the listening to and support of recovering addicts (and sharing my experiences) that I do.

Good luck.

 

[Missykins]

NA. Seriously, give it a try, forget your preconceptions. It's saving my life right now.

Absolutely.

You wanted to know how those of use with clean time stay sober, I went to rehab for ninety days, and I go to AA/NA every day.

 

[Missykins]

Have you considered kratom?

Iboagaine is another alternative, but one I know little about and is probably less realistic.

I will be sending you healing energy in your quest to get clean

With all due respect, the dude (or dudette) is trying to get clean, not to pick up another habit.

 

[Missykins]

i dislike the 12 steps, and i am basically going to NA meetings every day..i am in outpatient rehab

i appreciate your response though

much

IMHO, addicts who are resistant to the shared experience of AA are looking for an excuse to continue to use. Just my 2 cents.

I will tell, I did not get clean in IOP treatment. I also used during it, had a positive urine each session. I needed the structure of inpatient rehab, ninety-days worth, and I now attend AA on a regular basis. I have six years clean so I must be doing something right. I'm not saying it's the only way, but willpower will only take you so far. Many addicts who "white knuckle" it end up relapsing.

 

[phactor]

Are you being honest with your counselor and group? If not you will not get much out of therapy. You might need something more intensive, outpatient might not be enough. I need to be clear, THIS IS YOUR LIFE AT STAKE. Sounds dramatic I know, but believe me even if you never OD, never get arrested, never get totally strung out... using still places a big burden on you and will at the very least hold you back. By the time you realize how tired you are of it, it becomes very difficult to break the cycle.

Going to AA/NA meetings does not make you a member for life. I gave them an honest try and it just didn't work out. However, the support they gave at first really helped me out.

 

[phactor]

IMHO, addicts who are resistant to the shared experience of AA are looking for an excuse to continue to use. Just my 2 cents.

Not true. This is part of the attitude that turned me off of the 12 steps (that and things like having a "sponsor" tell me I had to pray on my knees to stay sober). Members always make universal statements like you made and then just say something like "well that is my experience". No offense, but you cannot have it both ways.

Group therapy is important. SMART Recovery is a good option for those who struggle with AA.

 

[highhooked]

With all due respect, the dude (or dudette) is trying to get clean, not to pick up another habit.

Kratom is a good suggestion? People go on bupe or even methadone to wean off opiates and kratom is better to use than both of those substances. I know that laC has used kratom before and i would also recommend to just try to keep using that while getting the life together.

Kratom is well known for its uses to help/cure opiate addiction. Even just sticking to kratom can be tough; im not even im deep at all and i still slip up and use opana even though i have kratom.

Edit: o and what was i thinking, good luck laC! Some really great advice on here, i love TDS.