Devoid of Any Type of Relationship

[Michael_25]

I've been single for a few years now. I went on a date yesterday (my first date in about 5 years). I met this girl online, and we had great conversations over the Net over the past week. Then we decided to meet up in person, at a café... It was all downhill from there. I felt nervous, and this in turn made me awkward and caused the conversation to become stilted. The date lasted a brief 30 minutes. She finished her coffee, got up and said "I might leave now, but it was nice to meet you."

Clearly, the humor, social ability and playful teasing couldn't be converted in person. She must have found me a bore and weird, like every other girl I've met. I'm losing hope with females. I'm 27 years old and this was my first date in over 5 years, and it was a calamity.

I messaged her throught the dating site the following day, apologising for my awkward demeanor and poor conversation. I told her I was just nervous (which is true). She replied saying she felt we didn't "click", and that she can tell within 5 minutes of meeting a guy whether there's going to be chemistry between them. She did apologise for leaving so early. She said that she didn't see the point in trying to "force things that won't happen [i.e. the chemisty]", which is why she left so early.

I can make girls laugh and playfully tease them online (as I did with this particular one), but in real life, I'm as fun as watching paint dry. It sucks, because she was quite an attractive girl. We asked each other open-ended questions, but the whole conversation just sounded so formal and heavy, and the conversation was stilted. I couldn't relax, even with diazepam in my system.

So, I can't meet girls in real life since I'm reviled by them, and meeting girls online is now not going to happen. I realise that it's too easy to be humorous and laid-back when you're behind a computer screen, but when it comes to actually meeting the person face to face, it's a different story. I'm deleting my online profile, and will probably spend the rest of my life celibate. I have tried to reach out to people, but I've failed each and every time. I'm a social fuck up, and at the age of 27, it's unlikely to change.

I read books on body language and how to gain friends and influence people, but the methods suggested do not work for people like me. I don't have a single friend in the world.

I can't connect with people. I have no friends of either gender. I come across as weird, and no matter how hard I try to change it, it never pans out. Fuck my life. It consists of going to work, coming home, going on the Net, and watching porn. I'm breathing, walking and talking, but I have no life. I'd be better off dead than living this life of hostile alienation and loneliness. I really can't think of anything to live for other than my Dad. Sometimes I feel like lashing out violently at those who've humiliated and persecuted me.

 

[ugly]

hey Michael,
I'm really sorry you are feeling bad. Your writing aches with deep personal sadness.

At least you can express your bad feelings.

Keep going if you want. I am listening, as are others on this board.

I can't give you any advice. Life is rough and we both know it. We are living through it. Who humiliated and persecuted you?

 

[Michael_25]

hey Michael,
I'm really sorry you are feeling bad. Your writing aches with deep personal sadness.

At least you can express your bad feelings.

Keep going if you want. I am listening, as are others on this board.

I can't give you any advice. Life is rough and we both know it. We are living through it. Who humiliated and persecuted you?

Not the girl I met for the one-off date. She was actually showing me basic courtesy and was kind throughout the date, despite her boredom and disinterest. The people who humiliate and persecute me are just people in general, usually women. I don't fit in with society's "norms," so I'm usually just ostracized and made to feel inferior, which is mainly why I use drugs to alleviate these feelings of emptiness and anger. It's not a solution, but it helps me cope, although it's only transient happiness.

 

[ugly]

I understand every word.

I don't fit into society's norms either. I've been ostracized, even on BL once or twice, and it hurts like a bitch. The pain does cause inferiority although I don't understand why it should.

I use drugs to make myself feel better just like you do. Sometimes they make me feel my alone as A L O N E on the planet... an intense loneliness that hurts my whole being.

I feel inferior too. It was way worse when I was younger. I'm a 53 year old grandma now... I shouldn't ever feel lonely anymore but I still do.

No body really understands me. I think that's why I hurt sometimes... this weird feeling of being off the trail, lost, hopeless.

Friends, family, colleagues, neighbors... no one gets me. I have heard them talking shit about me when they didn't realize I was in the next room.

I'm not normal. I can't pretend to be normal anymore. It's too much trouble and I really suck at being normal. I act even weirder when I'm trying to act normal.

I want you to know that your suffering will ease up a bit as you age, but in the meantime, people are brutal, for the most part, and will make fun of you because you are lonely. Pure evil to kick a person when he or she is down but it goes on all the time.

You are ostracized, and made to feel inferior, and I want you to know that all the assholes can turn their backs on you, but you don't have to feel inferior. You have the strength to write as clearly as you do, so you have enough to hold you up.

You cope. I cope too. I don't feel as inferior as I did at your age, but sometimes still, STILL... sometimes I still ache from wanting someone to understand.

I hope you feel a bit more connected because I totally understand. Our situations are completely different but underneath the situations, there are a couple of souls in need of....

what ?
I know I need something, I feel this longing to be accepted and not judged. I have felt this longing all 53 years.

 

[addictivepersona]

Michael, maybe before you jump into the dating pool you should start off trying to find some friends. What are you interested in outside of work? What type of work do you do? Do a search for events in your area relating to your interests and start going to one or two of those events. I know, it's much easier said than done, but it can be done. :)

You say you don't have any friends, but is that really true? Are there any acquaintances of yours that you would like to get to know better? Invite 'em over for a beer, pizza, and movie night if that's your thing. Let them pick the movie and pizza, you provide the beer.

Also, we don't always need a companion in this life to feel happiness. There are plenty of activities you can do on your own that will be just as enjoyable alone as with someone else. :)

 

[i against i]

^that. get out there. obviously you're not in a good place in your head so all these negative feelings and thoughts will be reinforcing themselves, and you have no external basis for challenging your own negative assumptions about yourself. i bet people don't view you as negatively as you think they do, and if they do, then fuck 'em. but the majority of people aren't out there to get you, hell, the majority of people are too wrapped up in their own self image to care beyond a few seconds how much you don't fit in with their norms. i'm speaking from experience, a few months ago i thought everyone hated me, i was the worst person ever, a failure etc etc, and now i'm not depressed it's so easy to challenge insidious negative feelings about yourself.

 

[Belisarius]

With regard to relationships, I totally sympathize; I've always been much more charming and natural with women behind a computer screen than IRL. It's like this witty person on my online profile turns into a quiet tight-ass on dates; in fact, the only
people I interact naturally with are longtime guy friends or females with whom there is no possibility of romance.

What to do about it? Well, I know this guy who supposedly got jilted in love once, and never got over it. He's in his fifties now, still lives with his mother, and does nothing but eat everything in sight, watch TV, and order increasingly obscure Japanese monster movies. Personally, he's not a bad guy, but I have him in front of my eyes as an example of what I never want to be. Though it's easier said than done, get up when you get knocked back down. The very act of trying again will make you better at it, IMO. Like Aristotle said, the virtues have to practiced, but once you do them enough they should become both effortless and enjoyable. This goes for Bel, too.

Good luck, man.

"The world isn't so bad if you can just get out in it." -- Calvin and Hobbes.

 

[Michael_25]

Thanks for the replies, guys. You're right: I do need a good group of friends to rely on when times are tough. Facing tough times alone are daunting, and I've been doing it for a while now, but I don't know for how much longer I can cope, going the way I am. It sucks. If I had a good support network such things like bad dates, etc. wouldn't bother me as much. But when you have no-one, well, molehills become mountains. I just find it hard to make friends at my age (27). Many others my age are already partnered up and have their own already established social circle, and it's hard to break into those.

 

[i against i]

have you considered travelling for a bit? mass chance to meet people, everyone looking for new people to hang with.

 

[Maniaz]

i know how you feel dude. whilst my situation isn't as bad as yours and I'm only 18 i feel like i can't connect with a lot of people and it sucks. i ask my self why me? what did i do to deserve this. i find it hard to hold conversation with a lot of people especially females . part of this is because of my stammer which imo has destroyed a lot of my social skills. its gotten slowly better over the years but in my younger years it used to be pretty shit. my gf dumped me a month ago probably because i was a boring fuck who she couldn't connect with. the relationship only lasted a month and was my first proper one since i was 13 ( even then that wasn't proper ). the first week was great , happiest i had been in so long and i fucked it up cuz I'm an awkward tard. I'm working on my social skills atm , trying and getting out and seeing friends and its working slowly . i hope i dont fuck this up.

A bit off topic but i had my first experience in a strip club a few weeks ago and it made me think i dont want to be a 40 year old fat single bald loser who goes to strip clubs cause they can't get anything

 

[Beatlebot]

You just had a bad date that's all. There's no reason to extrapolate you "will probably spend the rest of my life celibate" from one bad date. Take a deep breath, get online and go on more dates. Invest a little less next time. Think about whether you really like her before you worry about her liking you. Everyone everywhere in the history of everything had to go on a few bad dates and have things not work out occasionally. Having a bad date makes you normal, not an outcast from society. Silly.

 

[Noodle]

Agreed.

 

[p0ly]

picking up a girl starts when you wake up, it's a state of mind and you've pretty much resigned yourself to the fact you are going to fail. change that.

 

[Michael_25]

You just had a bad date that's all. There's no reason to extrapolate you "will probably spend the rest of my life celibate" from one bad date. Take a deep breath, get online and go on more dates. Invest a little less next time. Think about whether you really like her before you worry about her liking you. Everyone everywhere in the history of everything had to go on a few bad dates and have things not work out occasionally. Having a bad date makes you normal, not an outcast from society. Silly.

You don't understand. It's not this one-off date that made me realize I'm a social fuck up and will probably remain celibate for the remainder of my natural life; it's the interactions I've had with every girl over the past 5 years. I have never formed a connection with any female during half a decade, not even on a friendship basis, and believe me I've tried.

This one-off bad date was just a catalyst that made me introspective and realize that nothing's going to change in the future. I am awkward, always have been and always will be. It's inherited -- my siblings are the same. I got the same "we just don't click" line from every chick I've met. They don't even want to be friends. Fuck, I'd like it if I were even just friendzoned. That would be a step up for me. It's not just females I have great difficulty connecting with, but males too (but to a lesser degree, yet still prominent). Sure, online I'm witty and charming, but in person I'm socially awkward, boring and obtuse. I am at the bottom-end of the charisma scale -- I have none.

Why would any other girl I meet online and then in real life be different? Writing messages on a dating website cannot convey your personality as it would be in person. So it's just a waste of time. I would be deluding myself if I start believing that girls will fall for me over the Net, and that my online personality would transpose just as well into a in- person encounter.

And forget about meeting girls in the real world, too. Not one of them is interested in me.

 

[Michael_25]

have you considered travelling for a bit? mass chance to meet people, everyone looking for new people to hang with.

I have felony convictions which prevent me from travelling to many different places abroad. Besides, people in general don't want anything to do with me. I infer that when I talk to them.

 

[Michael_25]

Nonsense. If my mindset about pick up girls was positive, I'd still be awkward and boring. You can be as positive as you like, but at the end of the day you're still the same inferior person.

Also, I have hobbies and and interests that don't fit with the masses, as well. So I can't connect on that front.

 

[trappedpenguin7]

Also, I have hobbies and and interests that don't fit with the masses, as well. So I can't connect on that front.

Maybe you're trying to fit in with the masses when you should be trying to fit in with other people like you....even if you could get a "normal" girl to like you, would you really be happy spending your life with her? Obviously it will be harder to find people who have similar outlandish interests, but they are out there.... keep your head up man

 

[nooneanymore]

i dont want to be a 40 year old fat single bald loser who goes to strip clubs cause they can't get anything

We all get old and fat... if you try to fight aging you'll lose.



But to address the original post... I think you're putting too much stock in having a gf and thinking that a relationship will change your life. Meeting someone can be good times at first but the underlying bs will always surface sooner or later.

 

[Web]

i dont want to be a 40 year old fat single bald loser

Hey! I resemble that remark! Well, not bald yet, baldING...

OP, ya gotta lighten up a bit. You might be able to do a little better if you didn't have such low self esteem. How can you ever succeed in anything if you feel like you've already failed inside?

I'd suggest getting yourself out there a little more.

So what's with the hobbies and interests? Doesn't fit with the masses? Man do you KNOW there aren't people out there in the world that aren't into what you are? The world is a pretty big place...

 

[BluLait]

Only thing you need is confidence and a right attitude. But you have to base that confidence on something.

Now you have to bear with me on the next one:

Think of it like this: I have unlimited confidence when I'm on uppers and benzos. I don't think all of this is due to just the drugs. It's also the mindset. The: "I'm on speed so I can outsmart anyone, nothing to fear, I'm smarter, better, faster, stronger."
Or the: Anxiety be gone! - "I'm on benzos and there's no situation that can make me uncomfortable".

I then found out that I can be like this when taking some beta-blockers. Then I realized that It's pretty much all placebo since beta blockers don't really do shit to boost confidence, just makes me less likely to get panick attacks or nervous. But I felt exactly as I would on benzos. I also realized that I can actually have unlimited confidence when I don't take anything. It's just that I have to believe I took something. And now I got this "I figured out how to be like that without drugs, there's nothing that can stop me"-feeling and that's the anchor I need. That's the thing I base my confidence on. The fact that I figured out how to emulate the feeling from benzos or speed.

Whatever you base your confidence on, it has to be something.

Personally I also found out that if you meditate on getting it into your head that you are the absolute shit, it will help you a lot.

Then if you go on a date with even the slightest of fear that you will get nervous and be an awkward fucker, you will get nervous and be an awkward fucker just because the fear of not being an awkward fucker makes you anxious about being an awkward fucker. It's a vicious circle, just like having panick attacks about having heart attacks: The panick attack raises your heart rate, you see your heart rate is raised, you get scared about it getting any higher so you don't have a heart attack which in turn causes your heart rate to raise even more (cause you got scared). Then you get even more scared because your heart rate isn't dropping, it's actually increasing. This causes you to freak out even more so your heart rate goes up again.

Once you learn to break the cycle, and ignore any bad, insecure thoughts shall you be able to be what you want to be.

You have to stop trying so hard to make these people like you. I personally pick up on these little things in other people and I can imagine how you must be like. Nobody likes those people who keep on seeking approval because that just shows how insecure they really are. I spot them from a mile away. The people that do not give a shit, the ones that have that "If you don't like me fuck you" attitude - now that's attractive as fuck, in both men and women. I want to be their friend, no matter what they look like. Cause the brain says: "They must have something amazing about them if they're acting like that, hmm... I like that". So yeah, stop trying so hard, stop taking shit so seriously.

Of course, the attitude and confidence is not everything. Drunk rednecks are very confident picking fights with everyone and all, but nobody likes them. Don't be a pig or come off as any sort of a dick in any way. You must be sensible and respectful.

It's also about your social etiquette and your general view on things. Never take anything too serious. At least not with people you've known for a short while. Nobody likes somebody who gives too much of a fuck.

I don't know if this will help you. But I know what you want. You want some sort of miracle advice that will give you an ace up your sleeve so you can finally be what you want to be. Well, this is as close as it gets. Remember, it's all in your head.

You need to act exactly as you would if you had just won the lottery and have 5 other hot women queued after her ((your date)). That you don't really need her at all. The date is just so you don't get bored that night having jacuzzi sex with some brainless supermodels. Try to establish if she's worth your time, not worry about whether you are worth her time or not. Get that in your head. Start acting like a million bucks. Like you were on some clean coke.

Other than that.... I hope you're not the super-weird type of a person who says really awkward and retarded things at totally inappropriate times.