We recognize the real strenth of the fighter at the size of the battle... One day at a time.. Don't let your toughts fool you to think that this is the easy way out. It's a cosmic desaster that will get you stuck in a loophole not being able to get to the light and will leave you here in infinite sadness..
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sarcophagus.heels
Bluelighter
That theory is highly dependent on the OP being male...but yeah, men with low t-levels are much more likely to suffer from clinical depression, which may be because it causes fatigue, lowered libido, and irritability. And there was an animal study that suggested low-t levels might lower serotonin levels.
But I agree with vinz - take things one day at a time...don't let yourself get overwhelmed by thinking about an unalterable past and an uncertain future. Take things as they come.
MistaSmokalot
Bluelighter
I hope these small things you are taking care of do not involve hurting anyone. Please think again about what you're doing, there is always a way out.
Yes, it could not hurt getting some blood work done. If t-levels really is abnormally low a shot of test could be a world of difference.
I may have no right to say...
The unanswered questions will all be, "What ifs?" and suicide will leave them unanswered forever regardless of any note.
What if all the pain and loss, and intense inner conflicts have occurred in your life to preceed a step of developement in you? Highly sensitive, gifted people go through such periods.
What if someone or something could help you reach that next level? Maybe you have had to go through terrible struggles for a greater purpose.
The unanswered questions will all be, "What ifs?" and suicide will leave them unanswered forever regardless of any note.
What if all the pain and loss, and intense inner conflicts have occurred in your life to preceed a step of developement in you? Highly sensitive, gifted people go through such periods.
What if someone or something could help you reach that next level? Maybe you have had to go through terrible struggles for a greater purpose.
U
Unsureandlost1
Guest
put this in the waiting to die thread in TDS
Hi everyone, I am still not dead yet and I would like to say I am not a male. So low t does not have anything to do with my depression. I also like to add that I don't have bipolar like one other member stated and nor are the small things I want to do have to do with hurting anyone. The small things I want to do is have sex; I'm still a virgin was more worried about school (university). I also want to go visit certain places and then I will be content with killing myself which I am slowly doing right now.
I also would like to add I've been on so many anti-depressants and they did not work. I was even prescribed benzos but they fail to help me all the time. They just make me feel tired and yes I do become calmer but once that wears off I still feel the same. I don't plan on relying on benzos all the time.
I plan to overdose on heroin, a very large quantity and some benzos. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I was too afraid of the pain. By the way I'm not writing this because I'm not sure I wan to commit suicide or I want you to tell me not to but I just want someone to hear me out. I just need to get this off my chest and I find this the best way to do it.
I held bottles of pills in my hand and almost did the dead numerous of times but then I stopped myself. I thought things would get better but they don't. So I finally figured out that I am ready. I've been ready to die.
Hi everyone, I am still not dead yet and I would like to say I am not a male. So low t does not have anything to do with my depression. I also like to add that I don't have bipolar like one other member stated and nor are the small things I want to do have to do with hurting anyone. The small things I want to do is have sex; I'm still a virgin was more worried about school (university). I also want to go visit certain places and then I will be content with killing myself which I am slowly doing right now.
I also would like to add I've been on so many anti-depressants and they did not work. I was even prescribed benzos but they fail to help me all the time. They just make me feel tired and yes I do become calmer but once that wears off I still feel the same. I don't plan on relying on benzos all the time.
I plan to overdose on heroin, a very large quantity and some benzos. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I was too afraid of the pain. By the way I'm not writing this because I'm not sure I wan to commit suicide or I want you to tell me not to but I just want someone to hear me out. I just need to get this off my chest and I find this the best way to do it.
I held bottles of pills in my hand and almost did the dead numerous of times but then I stopped myself. I thought things would get better but they don't. So I finally figured out that I am ready. I've been ready to die.
BabyGurl3171
Bluelighter
If AD's haven't worked for you, you could try Desoxyn. Yes, I know it's legal meth but it's used off label for depression. Scroll down, it's right before effects.
cire113
Bluelighter
life is so SHORT OP your gonna die eventually anyways... Might as well start living......
sarcophagus.heels
Bluelighter
Well, that's not true. That's like when people tell me to "snap out of it" and just stop being so sad. You can't fucking snap out of it. When it's severe enough, depression become the lens through which you interpret the world, and infects everything from your interests to your self-image to your interpersonal relationships. Life can seem hopeless and devoid of meaning. I personally get mood swings, and when I'm low I completely forget what it's like to be reasonably happy and stable, and I've often wished for death, if only to end the exhaustion of it all. But I can generally push past those moods eventually, and I thankfully have some absolutely wonderful friends who can help me through it.
To the OP, I've been through 3 anti-depressants and an anti-psychotic, and so far none of them have worked. My psychiatrist is about to refer me to an outpatient program to see if that can help address my problems with emotional instability, self-harm, impulsivity, and drug abuse. It's not an easy road to take - actually, it's really fucking hard - but if there's a chance that things can get better, I'm willing to go for it. Honestly, I'm mostly motivated because my greatest fear is hurting those that I closest to me - I can't bear to 'cause my friends and my family any more distress than I've already inflicted. Also, death terrifies me...cold oblivion really doesn't seem any better than the hell can manifest itself in this mortal life. As long as you're alive, there's a chance for things to get better. Death, on the other hand, is forever. Don't take it lightly.
In my opinion any life is better than none, for me, and it is wrong to take one's life, that is my feeling. There are other options which might help, opioids, amphetamines, heavier doses of benzodiazepines. Normally, I would not advertise these to cure depression, especially not amphetamines, however if your life is on the brink, I might suggest as BabyGurl did to explore stronger drugs which might help much more than anti-depressants and benzos alone. I would do anything to avoid killing myself due to depression/anxiety. There are always options, always.
harlans
Bluelighter
i'm no stranger to this. tried to kill myself 3 times. the most recent being a little over a month ago. I also had a bf kill himself by jumping off a bridge because he couldn't kick heroin. i hated his note. it was so stupid. not that the content wasn't sad and heartbreaking, but it just bugged me thinking about the dramatic satisfaction he got while writing his notes (he wrote individual ones) - which he did sitting in his car on the bridge. personally, i hated getting the note. for me it made an already devastating situation worse. i've never done more than try to get someone to take care of my cats when i try to kill myself. this last time it should've worked. I left my house to climb down in a ravine so no one could come "save the day," but they did anyway. and for that i'm glad and relieved. i was bummed the first time i woke up from my 2nd attempt, but was happy when i came out of it the first time. i think my 2nd attempt was just a prelude to the third. BUT the point is none of the many suicidal people I"VE met have been ultimately disappointed that they failed. maybe not right away, but life always changes. lm not going to say that sunshine and rainbows will shoot out of your ass soon, but things will become... different
So you're gonna kill yourself too. All these people and nobody was considerate enough to give you opinion about suicide notes, as you asked! Here is my thoughts on suicide, and I thought plenty.
One thing that I am worried about is other people. I dont want a friend/relative finding me dead. Not only it will be unpleasant but could also get him in trouble with the law. They might even think he/she killed me. So I worked on a plan to be discovered by strangers. I'd share it with you in more depth if you care to know. I also care about my parents, how they'll feel. It would be better to die after they are gone. I'd feel better.
About suicide notes: they are mandatory! Otherwise possible legal trouble for strangers/family/etc. And they'll never know why you did it. Make it long, really long, and pour your heart out. Dont blame anyone for it, its not fair with that person. Its OUR choice, no one is murdering us. Dont write stupid shit like "I'm sorry, I dont mean to hurt anyone, blah blah blah." Write with all your spirit for once in your life. Its your last words in this mad universe. And write it yourself, dont print it!! So people will know its really you who wrote it...
Here is my story:
Male, 23 yo. I have a failed suicide atempt in my book. I always thought "how can someone be so stupid as to fail in a suicide?". Guess Im the stupid now. It wasnt a cry for help, dam it! It was a real attempt, though I now recognize as naive and badly thought out. But I was much younger then.
I was born with a deformity in the face. Its disgusting to look at. I have never been kissed or even huged by a girl. People dont look at me. Even my parents sometimes I can tell they are trying not to look at me. I dont blame them. So I tried to kill myself, and failed. Ended up in a hospital, locked up. A doctor there sat me down and told me: "Write down one thing you have to do before you die." I said "nothing, just wanna die". But he kept insisting, day after day, till one day I wrote "have sex". And he said: "then do it, and then if you still want to kill yourself, think if there isnt one more thing in that list still." I thought he was full of shit trying to "trick me into living", and he was, but whatever, bottom line is for the first time I thought about how much I wanted to try that before I die.
When I got out I hired a hooker. (I really dont want to call her that, her name is Kim). I'd do it in a dark room so she wouldn't see my face. My friend Matt helped me set it all up. Then when she came I gave up the idea. I was scared and ashamed, I felt bad for using the girl like this, that it was all wrong and that I was a creep. I felt like shit and sent her away, in the dark, whithout even touching her. But she said "Since you already paid for it, we might as well sit in the dark and talk a while". So we talked for hours, even though she was suposed to leave soon. She dint leave. I told her everything, the hell I live in. And she told me about her life, how hard it had been for her. I felt she was one of the bravest person I knew, and I aposlogised for using her like that. And she said:
"You're a nice man. Sometimes in this work I meet all kinds of creeps, and I fell really really bad about myself sometimes. But sometimes I just meet a gut who is lonely and tired and nice, that needs warmth and someone he can be honest with. And then I feel really good about what I do. Anyway, its my choice and I forbid you to feel bad about my life, just as I dont never feel bad for yours. Dont look down on me like that, ever."
In the end we had sex. It changed my life. I cannot explain it in words, so dont even bother. DO IT. But DONT go hurry and be sloppy and find one of those creeps whos gonna use you and make you feel like shit. Find someone who respects you, and make sex an spiritual thing, because it is. Even if it takes time, look for that person. He doesnt have to be in love with you, forget that bullshit. But he must be nice and polite and treat you with respect and tenderness. Do it.
I decided to postpone my sucide. I dont have to do it in a hurry. Just knowing its still there waiting for me gives me peace. I can get out of this pain anytime I want, its the one thing no one can take away from me. But it dosnt have to be today. My death is my friend now, always looking over my shoulder but not insisting anymore, not in a hurry anymore.
I look at life with a diferent view now and the looks of disgust and the little kids who are scared of me and all the girls who pretend I dont exist and all the mirrors in the world dont bother me so much. I can always end it whenever I want, so I might stick around for a little while longer. Even if you're f#cked up like me there are SOME things you HAVE to do before you die.
There is one more thing I have to do before I die. I wrote it down in a paper. "Climb the Everest". Stand on the top of the world and scream my lungs out. If I'm lucky, die there.
Im not a climber, and its incredibly dangerous. Its gonna take years in hard work, training, saving and preparation but I dont care. Its a few more years with Kim in our dark room, and I thank the Everest for that. Then maybe the Everest kills me, spares me all the trouble. I'd go as a hero, and not a coward.
It would be awesome.
And if it doesnt, there is ONE more thing in my list. Maybe two.
(Sorry for the huge post guys.)
One thing that I am worried about is other people. I dont want a friend/relative finding me dead. Not only it will be unpleasant but could also get him in trouble with the law. They might even think he/she killed me. So I worked on a plan to be discovered by strangers. I'd share it with you in more depth if you care to know. I also care about my parents, how they'll feel. It would be better to die after they are gone. I'd feel better.
About suicide notes: they are mandatory! Otherwise possible legal trouble for strangers/family/etc. And they'll never know why you did it. Make it long, really long, and pour your heart out. Dont blame anyone for it, its not fair with that person. Its OUR choice, no one is murdering us. Dont write stupid shit like "I'm sorry, I dont mean to hurt anyone, blah blah blah." Write with all your spirit for once in your life. Its your last words in this mad universe. And write it yourself, dont print it!! So people will know its really you who wrote it...
Here is my story:
Male, 23 yo. I have a failed suicide atempt in my book. I always thought "how can someone be so stupid as to fail in a suicide?". Guess Im the stupid now. It wasnt a cry for help, dam it! It was a real attempt, though I now recognize as naive and badly thought out. But I was much younger then.
I was born with a deformity in the face. Its disgusting to look at. I have never been kissed or even huged by a girl. People dont look at me. Even my parents sometimes I can tell they are trying not to look at me. I dont blame them. So I tried to kill myself, and failed. Ended up in a hospital, locked up. A doctor there sat me down and told me: "Write down one thing you have to do before you die." I said "nothing, just wanna die". But he kept insisting, day after day, till one day I wrote "have sex". And he said: "then do it, and then if you still want to kill yourself, think if there isnt one more thing in that list still." I thought he was full of shit trying to "trick me into living", and he was, but whatever, bottom line is for the first time I thought about how much I wanted to try that before I die.
When I got out I hired a hooker. (I really dont want to call her that, her name is Kim). I'd do it in a dark room so she wouldn't see my face. My friend Matt helped me set it all up. Then when she came I gave up the idea. I was scared and ashamed, I felt bad for using the girl like this, that it was all wrong and that I was a creep. I felt like shit and sent her away, in the dark, whithout even touching her. But she said "Since you already paid for it, we might as well sit in the dark and talk a while". So we talked for hours, even though she was suposed to leave soon. She dint leave. I told her everything, the hell I live in. And she told me about her life, how hard it had been for her. I felt she was one of the bravest person I knew, and I aposlogised for using her like that. And she said:
"You're a nice man. Sometimes in this work I meet all kinds of creeps, and I fell really really bad about myself sometimes. But sometimes I just meet a gut who is lonely and tired and nice, that needs warmth and someone he can be honest with. And then I feel really good about what I do. Anyway, its my choice and I forbid you to feel bad about my life, just as I dont never feel bad for yours. Dont look down on me like that, ever."
In the end we had sex. It changed my life. I cannot explain it in words, so dont even bother. DO IT. But DONT go hurry and be sloppy and find one of those creeps whos gonna use you and make you feel like shit. Find someone who respects you, and make sex an spiritual thing, because it is. Even if it takes time, look for that person. He doesnt have to be in love with you, forget that bullshit. But he must be nice and polite and treat you with respect and tenderness. Do it.
I decided to postpone my sucide. I dont have to do it in a hurry. Just knowing its still there waiting for me gives me peace. I can get out of this pain anytime I want, its the one thing no one can take away from me. But it dosnt have to be today. My death is my friend now, always looking over my shoulder but not insisting anymore, not in a hurry anymore.
I look at life with a diferent view now and the looks of disgust and the little kids who are scared of me and all the girls who pretend I dont exist and all the mirrors in the world dont bother me so much. I can always end it whenever I want, so I might stick around for a little while longer. Even if you're f#cked up like me there are SOME things you HAVE to do before you die.
There is one more thing I have to do before I die. I wrote it down in a paper. "Climb the Everest". Stand on the top of the world and scream my lungs out. If I'm lucky, die there.
Im not a climber, and its incredibly dangerous. Its gonna take years in hard work, training, saving and preparation but I dont care. Its a few more years with Kim in our dark room, and I thank the Everest for that. Then maybe the Everest kills me, spares me all the trouble. I'd go as a hero, and not a coward.
It would be awesome.
And if it doesnt, there is ONE more thing in my list. Maybe two.
(Sorry for the huge post guys.)
Miss Kirsty
Bluelighter
Well OP i am glad your still here...
I will feel just awful if you kill your self...Ive already known one person here who passed by accident and im still dealing with that and we wernt really that close..This stuff upsets me and i find it hard to deal with, so if your so intent on doing this, i must leave this thread...I dont want to become emotionally involved in another death so soon...Im sorry i wont be here to offer you any advice you dont want guest....
Really, Your actions are going to hurt many people,
bye OP...I hope you change your mind and live, find your true calling in this world...You may be wonderful helping others on the brink of collapse after all you have been through...But you will never know and neither will I..
AS for the note: Yes, you should absolve everyone from your death verbally...They will probley hate themselves forever anyway over this...
I will feel just awful if you kill your self...Ive already known one person here who passed by accident and im still dealing with that and we wernt really that close..This stuff upsets me and i find it hard to deal with, so if your so intent on doing this, i must leave this thread...I dont want to become emotionally involved in another death so soon...Im sorry i wont be here to offer you any advice you dont want guest....
Really, Your actions are going to hurt many people,
bye OP...I hope you change your mind and live, find your true calling in this world...You may be wonderful helping others on the brink of collapse after all you have been through...But you will never know and neither will I..
AS for the note: Yes, you should absolve everyone from your death verbally...They will probley hate themselves forever anyway over this...
Missykins
Bluelighter
It's much harder to do this than you think.
lars90
Bluelighter
^ same here I agree!
Vaya
Bluelight Crew
EdieG said:
I would love to hear how, in your mind, refraining from condoning taking one's life represents a lack of consideration for the person.
~ Vaya
Listen girl,
I have a severely autistic son, non verbal.
I used to wish he wasn't alive.
He would violently self injure and has hurt a lot of people.
Bt he has a heart of gold, I learnt that eventually.
He loves me above all.
I feel privileged and anxious, when I go, what then?
You are young at uni. I was once, I'm 46 now. My wife has left me, my career has been patchwork, but I kept going, I got money, a house, dogs.....
Girl, I don't know you, I know life. Give it time.
I wish I could sit and talk to you.
Politics, history, health, drugs, whatever, I get lonely when not at work.
See, life is truly amazing. Even if you have a down on yourself, look at others. Find some way to help those in need. The severely disabled. The poorest.
Young, smart, probably pretty, Don't give up.
Get real fit.
Walk a couple of hours a day.
Eat natural food. Drink water.
Read.
One day you will find love.
Hang on.
Uni can be a bad time, but its not forever.
Girl, what can I say?
Don't do it.
I have a severely autistic son, non verbal.
I used to wish he wasn't alive.
He would violently self injure and has hurt a lot of people.
Bt he has a heart of gold, I learnt that eventually.
He loves me above all.
I feel privileged and anxious, when I go, what then?
You are young at uni. I was once, I'm 46 now. My wife has left me, my career has been patchwork, but I kept going, I got money, a house, dogs.....
Girl, I don't know you, I know life. Give it time.
I wish I could sit and talk to you.
Politics, history, health, drugs, whatever, I get lonely when not at work.
See, life is truly amazing. Even if you have a down on yourself, look at others. Find some way to help those in need. The severely disabled. The poorest.
Young, smart, probably pretty, Don't give up.
Get real fit.
Walk a couple of hours a day.
Eat natural food. Drink water.
Read.
One day you will find love.
Hang on.
Uni can be a bad time, but its not forever.
Girl, what can I say?
Don't do it.
morpher001
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 1, 2006
- Messages
- 1,067
Great post