Waiting To Die

[unsureandlost]

I've been depressed for awhile now. I really do not care to explain everything I've been through but let's just say I've reached my breaking point. I can't handle everything going on in my life anymore and I just want to die. I use to plan my suicide and I did that for over a year but then I forgot about it all and actually felt like living for once. Then things went downhill once again and now I'm in the same spot of wanting to kill myself. I know that I will kill myself. There is no question about that. The only question that remains is when? A long time ago I told myself I would end my life and I believe that time has surely come. I'm not going to kill myself tonight or tomorrow but soon. I just have things left to do and no not anything big just small little things. After I do that I'm going to commit suicide. This should be in less than a year and probably no more than a couple of months.

I am not posting in the dark side for you guys to change my mind but I'm posting here because I need to say this. I need to let it all out. Please do not try to tell me things will get better. I know that its true but things always end up back how they were before for me or even worse. I've lost so much. I know people love me and that's the main reason I am still here. I choose to not kill myself because I am afraid of causing them pain but in the end all I am doing is putting myself through pain. So I'm sorry everyone but I'm giving up. I'm finally going to die.

So my question to you all is should I leave a suicide note? What should I leave in it? I know my death will leave so many un-answered questions but I want to try my best to answer as many as I can.. Please I really need to know. Yes, I am sorry for admitting this to you. You don't need to know about my death. I don't mean to cause you pain. I'm just lost and unsure. I'm going to overdose on drugs, I already know what. It will be pretty quick I'm sure of. It will be fool proof because no one will know where I am.. So no one will be able to save me or call 911.

 

[Nazman]

Make a left turn, change countries, do something you've never done before. Don't kill yourself.

 

[sarcophagus.heels]

Seriously, it's not the answer. I've been there, I went to the hospital after a suicide attempt two years ago. I'm glad I wasn't successful. I'm not going to tell you that things have been wonderful ever since, because it hasn't. It's been fucking difficult, and I'm still trying to deal with my depression, but I'm no longer suicidal. As long as you're alive, they're still a chance that things can get better, which is certainly not the case when you're six feet under. Please, don't do this.

 

[iconoclast56]

Seriously, it's not the answer. I've been there, I went to the hospital after a suicide attempt two years ago. I'm glad I wasn't successful. I'm not going to tell you that things have been wonderful ever since, because it hasn't. It's been fucking difficult, and I'm still trying to deal with my depression, but I'm no longer suicidal. As long as you're alive, they're still a chance that things can get better, which is certainly not the case when you're six feet under. Please, don't do this.

I hate this shit. My fellow man are suffering with neurochemical imbalances all around me and I can't help them because the people who make it impossible for you to find the right medicaiton for your ailments, also make it difficult for me to obtain them. I'm a chem major but I've experienced my fair share of neurochemical imbalance induced states of hell so I've made it my life mission to help my fellow man overcome this insidious, virus that has infected humanity.

 

[Missykins]

So many of us have been where you are, and I don't think you would have come to this forum if you weren't aware of that. Wanting to die is excruciatingly painful. It's relentless. I know how you feel. For years I stayed alive just for the sake of others, just because I knew how much it would hurt my family if I followed through with it. But I also knew that there were things worth living for. I needed to be under the care of a psychiatrist. Are you? Medication isn't everything, of course, I know that, I won't pretend that it is. I would never trivialize how you are feeling that way. Frankly, the best thing that happened to me when I was acutely suicidal was a period of hospitalization because it involved both medication and intensive therapy. It was a safe place, too, I didn't feel trapped or locked up. Quite the contrary.

You should know that suicide by a drug overdose, generally any drug overdose (sleeping pills, opiates, benzodiazepines, psychiatric medications, etc.), is not a painless and swift way to end your life, which is another reason for you to reconsider.

I'm not going to advise you about leaving a suicide note for the survivors because that would imply that I condone your actions. I simply can't do that even though I sympathize with how you must feel.

 

[Dr_Gerber_s]

This really struck a chord with me... waiting to die, I get it. I used to be really suicidal then you know life happened and I was in a good place for awhile. I still thought about suicide everyday, actually I still do that's why I'm in the DS I guess.
I don't know how you feel, I mean how could I? I'm not you. But the whole reason I wanted to comment was to say Why end the pain? For me feeling this sometimes excruciating mental pain is actually better then death which is nothing. You wont know you died you'll just be dead so if you're going to kill yourself I say do it doing something awesome like base jumping or some shit because lets say you don't die, you may have just found something that makes your life worth living. I understand base jumping is a bad example but you get it.

 

[iconoclast56]

Where did all my other replies go?

MODS: If you deleted my replies, can you please give me a way to recover them so I can write a blog or something. It took me a long time to write all that. Those were things I have thought long and hard about over the years, that was the first time I'd worded them out. I'm guessing they were deleted because they might derail the "don't do it" bang wagon so fair enough but can you gimme a way to recover those threads.

 

[Missykins]

Where did all my other replies go?

MODS: If you deleted my replies, can you please give me a way to recover them so I can write a blog or something. It took me a long time to write all that. Those were things I have thought long and hard about over the years, that was the first time I'd worded them out. I'm guessing they were deleted because they might derail the "don't do it" bang wagon so fair enough but can you gimme a way to recover those threads.

That would be extremely unusual for your reply to be deleted. I would PM a Darkside mod as they don't necessarily read each post.

 

[lars90]

Are you siriously asking ous to accsept the fact hat your gonna go kill your self. Do you seriously think that any of us will giv you the answer to your questions? I could right here and know but to be honast I have been to the same points as you have been! I really concidered killng my self becasue at that point really almost nobnody liked my exsept my family. I wasent on drugs or anything then (THANK GOD!) but I really had lkots of those thoughts. But I would hurt my family to bad with it I meen if you did it you would basicly cause post traumatic experences for your friends and family and that would chase them their whole life. Do you really want them to feel that way?

I think I know who youa re if you have a account her eI just dont get hwy your posting this as a guest? Look what I have learned is that time heals everything no matter what it relives the pain all docters can do is speed the process up and take little amounts of pain. YOu should really see a phycitrist. Dont tell anyone just make a date and time to go their and you might wanna ask for a little treatment just before you give up. Try atleast to cure it before giving up. think of it what pain is releaved if you kil your self? What if you live on somewhere else that is even worse than that place your in right now. What if somehting goes wrong andf instead of killing your self you paralise your self and cant move or talk for the rest of your life. What if the drug overdose doesnt kill you and just causes all kind of short term organ failures. What if your in more pain after wards. You haven quit thought this though!

A friend of mine (she was such a smart girl so witthy and beatiful she was to.) but their was somehting inside of her which ate her up I knticed but she never would tell me she never let anyone help her. I tryed so hard to. Well after the 3rd try of comitting suiside she finally sucseaded with an over dose of asprins. She chugged down like threehundred of them (not to give you any bad ideas). Well this really hurt me and still does now after 2 years! I really look back sometimes and want to go back in time just to tell her that her life made since and that I loved her and that all her other frineds loved her to. I wish I could have stopped her but just dindnt understand. See one of her friends is in a mental hospital cause she found her dead when she wnet over to her place. She's never been the same since then. What Im trying to say and what you already know is that this will hurt your friends and family alot more than you! I know this is kind of udmb but before you think of the missery of your self think of the missery of your friends.

Do you know what my sulution was? Go back to sosiety that heeled all my problems.

Not only do you fail yourself and your self, friends, family and relatives but you also faile on us. I really hope this little reply can get you back up or make you fell beater atleast.



Theirs always someone who can help
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DWfAtaKARAE

snip

 

[tokenname]

Where did all my other replies go?

MODS: If you deleted my replies, can you please give me a way to recover them so I can write a blog or something. It took me a long time to write all that. Those were things I have thought long and hard about over the years, that was the first time I'd worded them out. I'm guessing they were deleted because they might derail the "don't do it" bang wagon so fair enough but can you gimme a way to recover those threads.

Yeah...I think Missy is right..you'll probably have to pm the mods..they might not see this post.
But I see that 2 or 3 of your replies were removed.

I'm sure it did take a minute to write them out.
I hope they can recover them for you, though.

-token

 

[Vaya]

OP, I do hope you listen to Dr_Gerber_s when he says,

But the whole reason I wanted to comment was to say Why end the pain? For me feeling this sometimes excruciating mental pain is actually better then death which is nothing.

I liked that part of this response to you.
I do not support your decision to kill yourself and will not advise you regarding whether or not to leave a note. I can only hope that the next time I check in on this thread, that you have posted some sort of response indicating that you have not yet left this world.

Seriously. You will find hugs, even in the deepest depths, here.

I hope to hear from you.

~ Vaya

 

[Vaya]

Where did all my other replies go?

MODS: If you deleted my replies, can you please give me a way to recover them so I can write a blog or something. It took me a long time to write all that. Those were things I have thought long and hard about over the years, that was the first time I'd worded them out. I'm guessing they were deleted because they might derail the "don't do it" bang wagon so fair enough but can you gimme a way to recover those threads.

They haven't been "deleted," per se. Please check your private message inbox!

~ Vaya

 

[Alex000]

I can say that I feel suicide is always, always wrong. Putting moral issues aside, suicide is wrong, because it is a finite decision to temporary and every changing problems, because life is beautiful in its all, because nothing deserves to be killed. If you feel everything is so terrible, so terrible you must terminate your life, don't you take solace in the fact that one day you will die regardless of whether or not you commit suicide. If it is all so horrible for you doesn't the fact that your life will one day come to an end console you? No one sits in the beauty, pain, wonder, love, misery of this fantastical affair life forever, we all will die. I ask you not to kill yourself not for my interests, but for yours. I don't know what motivates you, truly motivates you, to end your life, however, any issue can be resolved. There are times when I truly feel with my whole heart I am falling into the unmerciful and bleak abyss, the void, but such feelings, however real, are temporary and will not last. I am happy now, the beauty of life has made me happy, and that drives me to live, to thrive. If I cannot persuade you to change your mind, than I do suggest you consider something else. If you want to end your life, why don't you live it up first. You could do what others don't for fear of risk of this or that. Embrace the world for these next few months before your planned suicide, see the world, travel, do art, do it all. If you feel the same after those months, and I have not effectively persuaded you to choose life, so it is. If you will kill yourself, I'd suggest you leave a note, yes, and explain yourself. I would also suggest you void your bowels right prior to the overdose so they don't have to find you covered in feces. Just a suggestion. Just my thoughts. Really, though, choose life, for whatever reason, it is always better than killing yourself, always.

-Alex

 

[Miss Kirsty]

Op, i think maybe you do want some help, some kind words, or this thread wouldnt exist...I too think your writing is very similar to another poster on here...You have alot to do in your life...Not just one or two small things like you mentioned...You have many things that will come your way over the duration...
You have made some good contributions on here ( if im right), and helped others...You just dont know it...I like the first post that said "Go to another country, make a u-turn, do something you never have done before,"...Please Op, anything but kill yourself..Turn something horrible and fucked up into something positive..

There are only a few things in life that are sureties, death and change... See a Doc, You really need some meds mate, You have a massive chemical imbalance in your brain that can be fixed...I dont think you are thinking in a normal way ATM OP...What if you could be helped?.....And you do nothing...

Please check in...and tell us your thoughts....

 

[winston red]

In the 20s or something like that there where a lot of writers philosophers and humanities people in general bragging about committing suicide. It was a bit of a fashion actually... They all vowed on taking themselves seriously, but none of them actually killed himself.

Write a short story as a suicide note! Send it to a publisher! Given the level of intelligence, maturity and knowledge of life your post seems to show you'd fit right in the literary world

 

[lars90]

I think i know who the creator of rhis thread is and my question to you is why dont you just post it from your a ccont itfeels so much better if people can send you pms.
heres the list of things YOU HAVE TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE!
1. have Had a child
2. been to the eifel tower
3been on the chinese wall
4. have solved therubics cqube
5. have been in the empire state building
6. have been in a rain forest
7. have run away from the police for doing something funny/stupid not including drugs.
8. have married
9. have had a house
10. have been in a helicopter
11. have grand children


send me a pm when your finshed and i will be glad to answer any questios
Life is worth living even if you have long term damges from something or were diagnosed with bipolar ....

 

[sarcophagus.heels]

^ That's an awful generalization to make. Especially since this person posted anonymously. At least among my acquaintances on Tumblr (take that for what you will), I've known a few people who have made an outright suicidal post before an attempt, and one who unfortunately succeeded. Of course there are those who post that shit just for attention, just like there are people who cut themselves just for attention, but that doesn't mean they all do.

 

[Miss Kirsty]

*removed original content along with post ~ Vaya*

Here we go again...GENERALISING!!!!! How the hell would you know WTF the OP is thinking or feeling OR INTENDING to do?
People like you, who know everything there is to know about life, should keep their wrong ideas to them selves..
YOU CANT GENERALISE MATE...IT DOSENT WORK..EVER, EVER, EVER......
ANYONE and I mean ANYONE who asks for help is a very brave person, and people like YOU should keep their negative opinions to yourself, you must realise that your comment is verbal diarrhoea and is not helping anyone..

 

[lars90]

Here we go again...GENERALISING!!!!! How the hell would you know WTF the OP is thinking or feeling OR INTENDING to do?
People like you, who know everything there is to know about life, should keep their wrong ideas to them selves..
YOU CANT GENERALISE MATE...IT DOSENT WORK..EVER, EVER, EVER......
ANYONE and I mean ANYONE who asks for help is a very brave person, and people like YOU should keep their negative opinions to yourself, you must realise that your comment is verbal diarrhoea and is not helping anyone..

No Im sorry to break you at htis point but he is right. She/he was asking for atention which is basicly asking for help which is a very big step for this person. From the inside this person knows he/she doent want to die yet. Cause their are so many things to achive in life. She/he is basicly asking for help yelling it out, asking other people for reasons to live so life makes sense. She/he wasent atenshinally doing this. But if this person looks in their deep in their inside she/he will find that I am right.

See I belive nobody ever really wants to die. The reason for comitting suiside is not that they want to die but becasue they cant break down some ivent in their life. If it is a dead family member or violence or drugs. You jsut cant get finshed with it. From deep inside you want to live on and you want to get over it but your jsut not stong enoughf to do it on your own so your just looking for a pain relive which is suiside. The concept of not having to deal with the pain after your dead is very reliving for some people.

Although I dont agree with the second part of Diazecam's post.

And this goes to the OP:
No matter what it is which is so hard for you at the moment time will heel it. Wait long enough and you will soon find that it was redicoulos (Spelling just isent my thing). I meen like you said the only thing which is still keeping you from doing it are your family members and freinds. You know you are loved from some people and that htese peole will always be their for you for as long as their life lasts. So do us all a favor and talk about this to someone. You dont even have to talk to your parents just find someone trust worthy and you will feel the relieave. It will be like a small dose of MDMA. It will relave the pain. It will lift the huge wait of your sholders. Give it a try comon

Lars

 

[enhanced]

Have you checked your testosterone levels? Lots of suicides are due to low t-levels and could easily be avoided with simple steroids/hormone therapy