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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

I feel alone in this thought about drug addiction. Am I?

If it makes you feel good, then i dont see why you HAVE to give it up...As long as it dont make you feel paranoid,or any other bad feelings, then you should be ok to remain using as you do...Only you truly know mate...
 
burn out said:
I am a heroin addict so maybe I can offer some insight.

Insight one: Heroin is too expensive. It's not worth spending your money on heroin. It's a total waste of money. This is why I want to get off heroin so bad.

Insight two: It is true in a sense that being a heroin addict gives your life a point of focus. Howevre, after you've been an addict for a while it gets old. Your life stagnates. It's just not that grreat after a while.
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I'd just like to add that with opiate addiction, waking up in pain with your muscles feeling all... rusted, and your innards turning to liquid, it's not exactly glamorous so much as enough to drive one to the brink of insanity and throw oneself off with reckless abandon. Not to mention the sweating, shaking, and the knowledge that you're going to have to spend more than an acceptable amount of time (an acceptable amount of time would be zero time) acquiring more opiates.

I do disagree with the idea that anything perceived whilst under the influence of a drug is not real, however: is there a particular state of mind where everything is real? Just, it seems that if you add in drugs, you'd have to include exercise and orgasms and consuming chocolate and all sorts of stuff. Is life real after running five miles?

But aside from that, yes, I do agree that taking it would be bad (if nobody could tell from the tone of my post) and so, well, don't go chasing addictions when you're already consuming various substances daily. As for anti-depressants, they could be making your depression worse.
 
Kerrigan said:
I do disagree with the idea that anything perceived whilst under the influence of a drug is not real, however: is there a particular state of mind where everything is real? Just, it seems that if you add in drugs, you'd have to include exercise and orgasms and consuming chocolate and all sorts of stuff. Is life real after running five miles?.
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I didnt mean EVERYTHING you feel is fake...I ment that when you think you are handling everything fine, and you are not, but dont realise the extent untill you are clean/sober again...Then i feel as if ive been in a fog...Just my opinion...
 
I can relate to some of the OPs feelings. When my depression was really bad I did consider taking heroin, but based on its effects. I wanted something that would totally remove the pain and make me numb and from what I'd read Heroin will do that, at least for a bit. At that time it was either that or suicide and even my suicidal ideation involved heroin.

Addiction is a perfect circle in many ways, having smoke for 18 years (gave up 10 years ago) I could see the perfection of it, you yearn for something and you can get it, not just like a job or a possession which often turns out not quite as good as you wanted but the exact thing in every way. I believe this is all part of the attraction that the OP feels, but it's not an answer, look elsewhere for completion an satisfaction in life, hang on in there IT WILL GET BETTER.

Fortunately I got help and fought my way back and things are now on the up, I though I was so deep in that hole there was no chance of ever getting back out but here is always a way just keep searching within yourself, drugs are not going to answer any questions for you and heroin will just take you down further into that hole.
 
I can connect with you kinda dude, it is just glamorizing something that is nothing like your mental picture says it is. I have been mentally addicted to quite a few substances or just all substances in general a few times. Never anything like H though but I get what you mean. Honestly, I get exactly what you mean. This is kinda my train of though no matter how bad it sounds when I was like 14 - 16, I had really bad anxiety and just because I smoked a lot of weed and dabbled in other things a lot of my school happily labbeled me as the smack head and it was by far not bullying as I was still kinda popular just kinda, looked down on. I have suffered from occasional bouts of depression and have had other mental issues in the past/present and think that some of it was just finding a way to deal with all that is kind of why I idolized addiction or whatever my actual picture was.

Now, let me say. The first time you actually become properly psycologically / physically addicted to a fucking compound it was like holy shit, I am actually those people that are like societys dregs now, its no longer a fantasy. Sure maybe it was a partial fantasy but now its real, I cant even do things incase I start withdrawing really bad. It is horrible, you feel like shit and tbh, im glad it showed me what its really like. Just it is not nice, it is horrible to think of. Your body isn't happy, you are definatley not happy and sometimes basic things like sleep / eating are impossible. After beating my addiction to synthetic cannabinoids my throat still closes up if I have not smoked cannabis and I approach food. Maybe this will be a lifelong problem that may never go away and I did it to myself by getting high? Of course they are RC's, its a diferent story really then H and known drugs but I know a lot of people who have/are addicted to heroin and have fucked up them physical selfs pretty bad, basically anyone who uses 'hard' drugs in addiction terms has fucked up there body pretty bad, theyve probably taken 10 years off there life. Im no scientist so this is all guesses but, its just not healthy for you. Like its serious, its the real deal, its fucking being addicted to a drug. It changes your life forever, it becomes not a positive fantasy about always being fucked and being some cool loner smack head. It becomes mother fucking real staring at you in the face, all around your room. After beating my addiction to various presciption opiates, I still cant stand the inside of my room at my parents house as it has complete negative vibes, its like a horror film.

Basically, I get you dude, I really do and it is nice for me to see that im not the only one who thought like this. You will grow up though, you will learn or find out the hard way that it is not a good thing. That it is very serious and not something anyone should think about in any terms of positive light, the opiates were easier to kick as I nipped it in the bud but I was going through some stuff and I was very young so it was a bigger deal then say I were to do it now. Synthetic cannabinoids were pretty bad, gave me a view into proper withdrawals and cravings and all the shitty shitty stuff. Numerous times ive gone on benders were I can't stop even when I have things to do or have gone through periods of needing to be on something most of the day. Trust me, do you know what bad H withdrawals are like? Do you know what taking street H does to your body? It ruins you man, lots of drugs can ruin you. You will figure out like I said, either through thought which will be a lot better for you then if you choose the hard way. Goodluck dude and again, I get you 110% :)
 
Miss Kirsty said:
I didnt mean EVERYTHING you feel is fake...I ment that when you think you are handling everything fine, and you are not, but dont realise the extent untill you are clean/sober again...Then i feel as if ive been in a fog...Just my opinion...
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Ah, I see. Complete misunderstanding, then: you're right, I perhaps realized that my behavior had changed due to benzodiazepines because I had planned to use them and had devoured every piece of available research I could about those drugs before taking them, and then I first took them, blacked out and woke up holding a half-empty bottle of vodka; I realized from then that they'd had a rather radical effect upon my behavior, but perhaps not to its full extent; not until I watched video-logs and read journals, written whilst high, sober and over five years later.

I misunderstood what you said and thought you meant that all that one perceives whilst under the influence of drugs is entirely false; that you can't be in love, or you can't be relaxed or in pain or angry, and what you see is, well, I'm sure you get the idea. I'm sorry for that and mean no disrespect. <3
 
There aint NO glory in a drug story 8(

No worries Kerrigan....I understand where you were comming from also and there is no tone to writing so it can be difficult to understand ones comment on occasion...No disrespect at all...<3;)

Reminder to self: Always have a coffee BEFORE posting!!!
 
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Sorry if I'm chiming in late and you've already resolved this, but your post struck a chord with some old and current feelings.

Particularly the idolizing heroin use. This is a bit abstract, but since I started smoking cannabis heavily at 14 I had this glamorized notion of the entire drug game/operation. Once when we were smoking a joint by the dumpster behind the nickel arcade, we stumbled upon a heroin needle with some dope partially left in it. We didn't do it (luckily), but from that point I had this unfounded infatuation with junk. And I'm sure at that age I was worshiping the Sex Pistols, and a lot of punk musicians who were junkies. However, after watching friends steadily waste away, and then being reckless enough myself to take on a heroin habit myself, I can say there isn't a way to check out heroin addiction as if it were a coffee shop. Once you're living that life, you are living it. And it will follow you forever once addicted. Also, you probably will not know for likely a few years when your casual use blossomed into full on dependence. I didn't. And I had very clear demarcations and milestones anyone on the outside would recognize. No idea myself. So, all I'm saying is be careful. If you are going to try it inevitably you feel, do your utmost just to try once. Because if you only use once there isn't much potential for cravings. Either way, heroin use, particularly iV, is a very dangerous game, no matter what. Good luck.
 
i can only re enforce what most others have touched on, i too was full of wonder at the life of a user, i too thought i wouldnt get addicted, guess what? i did and even if i didnt, the mental scarrings massive
 
This is an interesting thread for me.

I, too, was in love with the idea of heroin. For as long as I can remember. I wanted that darkness, I wanted to be in with that group of people. The fiends. I wanted that dirty life.

But I was a good little Mormon girl in Utah with absolutely no way to get that life, which made it even more romantic. As I got older - high school and all, I smoked pot, drank, did all the other drugs we've all done over the years. I was always able to overcome my addictions...or control my usage of any drug, and didn't think heroin would be any different. So why not dip into that pool?

Then I met a true-blue heroin addict. A junkie. And I loved him. Well, I still do love him. And he was my way in. And I got in, I've been in deep for two years. My junkie left me - because I'm one now. He doesn't want me because I'm addicted to heroin. I went into the city today to score some dope, and I guess there is some sort of dragnet going on. I've never seen so many cops anywhere in my life! So I just hung out in the hood watching shit go down. Here's where it hurts: I was mistaken for a hooker at least four times today. I'm a mom and a grandma, a professional woman. And I'm also a junkie, fiending like a mofo. And right now I'm pissed that I was unable to score. And I'm not even a daily user.

Had anyone told me ahead of time....at any point in time....that this is where I would be today....you know what - fuck it. I'd still be here. I've lost everything. I've pawned all of my mom's jewelry (fortunately not while she was alive), I lost my gorgeous Audi A6, and am in the process of filing bankruptcy. Oh, and also selling the condo I inherited from my mom before it goes into foreclosure. I've really fucked things up. I'm so glad my mom isn't here to see me like this, to have lost everything she worked and saved for.

I have no idea if my little saga will make a difference in the OP's decision, but I think if it at least sets a seed, then maybe it's not all for naught. Just something to consider, but you'll make up your own mind - whatever you choose, at least you'll have some things to consider.
 
J.D. said:
I, too, was in love with the idea of heroin. For as long as I can remember. I wanted that darkness, I wanted to be in with that group of people. The fiends. I wanted that dirty life.
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This is what I am so often trying to say, but I worry I'll sound silly. For the record, J.D., you don't.
 
I can totally identify with the OP. I reveled in the darkness of the idea in a self-indulgent kind of way. It's not a healthy mindset, mind you, but I can completely understand where you're coming from. I can't even say that I glamorized it....I was always fully aware of how destructive and painful the life of an addict could be, but it was something that attracted me nonetheless. I've always felt lacking in some manner, but I could never really put a finger of what exactly I was lacking. A drug addiction simplifies things. It streamlines your immediate goals in a way that makes the future seem a little less daunting. Even now that I've actually struggled with addiction, I can't say that it still doesn't hold some strange, albeit self-destructive, appeal.

You know, Russell Brand once articulated what I mean much better than I ever could:

All of us, I think, have a vague idea that we’re missing something. Some say that thing is God; that all the longing we feel - be it for a lover, or a football game, or a drug - is merely an inappropriate substitute for the longing we’re supposed to feel for God, for oneness, for truth. And what heroin does, is objectify that need…

"I want something." All of us, I think, have that feeling. And what heroin does when you start taking it is tell you what that something is.

It makes you feel lovely and warm and cosy. It gives you a great, big, smacky cuddle, and from then on the idea of need is no longer an abstract thing, but a longing in your belly and a kicking in your legs and a shivering in your arms and a dull pallor on your face. At this point, you’re no longer under any misapprehension about what it is that you need: you dont think, "Nice to have a girlfriend, read a poem, or ride a bike", you think "Fuck, I need heroin"
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My Other Half has the same thing....he has never had a needle in his arm but loves watching me do the deed....All his idols, Joplin, Jagger,Hendrix, Nick Cave, Jim Morrison, Belushi, Cobain, Billy Holliday, David Bowie, Old Keify Richards, Jerry Garcia and more if i think hard enough, did it...He asks me for a go but i wont...

Movies glorify it and romantasize it also...It s not that you are wrong for feeling that way OP...Its just that its a delusion...Its only good when your high or just about to have that first shot that takes all your sickness away...
 
^ Seriously, whatever your preconceived notions about Russell Brand, you should check out My Booky Wook, which is where that quote is from. He's actually a great writer, and a hilarious one at that. I was so surprised by how much I could relate to him, especially on the drug stuff. I know his public persona is ridiculous and over-the-top, but underneath all that hair, he's really quite brilliant.
 
He is such a funny and brilliant comic that i seriously thought K.P must an ok chick as well or he wouldnt have married her!! He is a seriously smart man...

Thanks for the quote and My Booky Wook is fantastic!!!
 
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