Paying for everything

[Lysis]

I see your point a little more. OK. I thought you were setting up an apartment to keep her there, so you can just hang out and have sex with her when you feel like it. I see it better now.

Again, I think our cultures are totally different here, but if you want to give her some kind of responsibility, have her pay utilities. They are cheap in comparison. See what she says or does.

 

[pirate24]

I see your point a little more. OK. I thought you were setting up an apartment to keep her there, so you can just hang out and have sex with her when you feel like it. I see it better now.

Again, I think our cultures are totally different here, but if you want to give her some kind of responsibility, have her pay utilities. They are cheap in comparison. See what she says or does.

To be honest, I feel kind of bad for bringing it up. She's told me I don't have to take her out on dates but I do anyway because I want to treat her right, it's my decision. I don't want her to feel awkward or guilty because she can't pay.

Also, even though I don't have that much money lately compared to what I use to have, I still have a lot more than she does and paying rent on a condo here is definitely affordable.

 

[IzGood]

From my experience relationships with foreign girls form third world countries always have this element to it. Filipino, Thai and Russian girls all expect and demand that the guy foot the bill. It will be like this at the start of the relationship and forever through. Unless you are loaded or have substantial passive income this will financially hamper you well into the future so if you don't like footing the bill for everything, walk away now...

And don't think that they will be overly greatful, because it's pretty much expected don't think that you will get special treatment for this. From what I hear Filipino and Thai girls are a bit better natured in this department. Russian girls while having a heart, they will forever have money on their mind...I think it's just in their culture and the accepted way.

But in saying this of course you won't walk away.....because western women are generally, fat, ugly, and argumentative!

 

[pirate24]

From my experience relationships with foreign girls form third world countries always have this element to it. Filipino, Thai and Russian girls all expect and demand that the guy foot the bill. It will be like this at the start of the relationship and forever through. Unless you are loaded or have substantial passive income this will financially hamper you well into the future so if you don't like footing the bill for everything, walk away now...

And don't think that they will be overly greatful, because it's pretty much expected don't think that you will get special treatment for this. From what I hear Filipino and Thai girls are a bit better natured in this department. Russian girls while having a heart, they will forever have money on their mind...I think it's just in their culture and the accepted way.

But in saying this of course you won't walk away.....because western women are generally, fat, ugly, and argumentative!

I don't think that's a hard and fast rule. Like my stepmum has shown that she's willing to work and contribute financially (completely her decision) and she's from Vietnam. I've also been out with girls while I was in Vietnam who've snuck off and picked up the bill. Also, I've had girls from the Philippines buy me small gifts (including my girlfriend). She does seem very grateful every time I take her out on a proper date (which isn't very often at all I admit). I've told her time and time again that I don't have a lot money and she doesn't care.

I mean, surely Filipina women who are professionals and financially well-off must contribute something?

 

[Lysis]

I know what you're talking about when you say you feel bad for bringing it up but then you want to do it too. I've been there, and I was raised that men paid and anything else is a moocher. I don't really believe that, but it did get to me after a while. I even paid for stuff for his kids, because I felt like they really needed someone who gave a shit about them in their lives. We broke up before I could do it, but their mom (his ex-GF) was not very smart and was teaching them bad information for math, so I was going to buy some flash cards and educational tools to help these kids using some old fashioned bribery (money) to get them to learn. They were flunking and they were only 8 and 10. Pretty sad, but I felt like I could financially do something. Anyway, it never happened, but I was seriously burning through my cash for all of this.

For me, the red flag sign was when he would get pissed if I couldn't pay for weed. He would burn through $50 worth in 2 days, and I just didn't have the cash to fund that kind of drug use. He got pissed at me and said I smoke it too (seriously, 2 puffs for the night and I'm done, so I definitely wasn't mooching). So, when the cash ran out and I had to start saying "I can't do it. I don't want to pay for weed anymore. Fund your own drug habit" is when shit went downhill.

Maybe that would be some sort of test. Tell her for a little while that you can't afford to do x or buy x. Maybe my guy was a mooch, but I could have cut off funds for everything except when I did it for weed and that's hen he blew up. I will no longer do that, but it seems to me like some of that expensive stuff is what she cares about. She should (this is from an American point of view remember) pay for at least half. Again, though, totally different culture over there.

 

[Joeof1]

I don't think that's a hard and fast rule. Like my stepmum has shown that she's willing to work and contribute financially (completely her decision) and she's from Vietnam. I've also been out with girls while I was in Vietnam who've snuck off and picked up the bill. Also, I've had girls from the Philippines buy me small gifts (including my girlfriend). She does seem very grateful every time I take her out on a proper date (which isn't very often at all I admit). I've told her time and time again that I don't have a lot money and she doesn't care.

I mean, surely Filipina women who are professionals and financially well-off must contribute something?

In the Philippines it's customary for the guy to cover everything during the courtship period.

I went through the same with my wife when we first started dating. I'm American, she's from the the Philippines. I met her when I was down there like 7-8 years ago. Now that we are married it's a back and forth situation. She's a teacher in Australia, and I do Contract work and run a Business here in the US. When I am making more money, I cover almost everything, when I'm not making as much, she covers everything. That's just how it is there. If she starts coming into money you can expect to see her paying more often. Now obviously we do not see each other as often as the typical couple, but it works for us.

The real question is if her family knows that you two are dating. Flip family is the deciding factor on where the relationship will go. All it takes is the sister or the Mother to say one negative thing and the relationship will end like that. Mind you Filipinas are the marrying type, and you have to ask the Father's permission first.

 

[hiphophippy]

Does she smoke the meat?

 

[pirate24]

In the Philippines it's customary for the guy to cover everything during the courtship period.

I went through the same with my wife when we first started dating. I'm American, she's from the the Philippines. I met her when I was down there like 7-8 years ago. Now that we are married it's a back and forth situation. She's a teacher in Australia, and I do Contract work and run a Business here in the US. When I am making more money, I cover almost everything, when I'm not making as much, she covers everything. That's just how it is there. If she starts coming into money you can expect to see her paying more often. Now obviously we do not see each other as often as the typical couple, but it works for us.

The real question is if her family knows that you two are dating. Flip family is the deciding factor on where the relationship will go. All it takes is the sister or the Mother to say one negative thing and the relationship will end like that. Mind you Filipinas are the marrying type, and you have to ask the Father's permission first.

Well that's kind of reassuring, I guess.

We had a discussion about courting when she mentioned it jokingly. At the time I had a shaky understanding about courtship, I thought it involved me buying her shit and trying to prove my worth to her. I told I wasn't going to do that. She said if I felt that strongly I didn't have to do it. I also said I was never going to get married. While she seemed disappointed she's still with me. When she was asked about it she was like "I'm not with pirate because he wants to marry me."

It's for that reason I don't think a family member disliking me will be an automatic deal-breaker. She has a really rocky relationship with her Dad - he beat her a lot growing up and refuses to support her. She gets tattoos even though he disapproves. Plus, her Dad already disapproves of me because I'm a foreigner (I've never met him though) - they had a huge argument about it and he said I was just using her blah blah blah.

 

[pirate24]

I know what you're talking about when you say you feel bad for bringing it up but then you want to do it too. I've been there, and I was raised that men paid and anything else is a moocher. I don't really believe that, but it did get to me after a while. I even paid for stuff for his kids, because I felt like they really needed someone who gave a shit about them in their lives. We broke up before I could do it, but their mom (his ex-GF) was not very smart and was teaching them bad information for math, so I was going to buy some flash cards and educational tools to help these kids using some old fashioned bribery (money) to get them to learn. They were flunking and they were only 8 and 10. Pretty sad, but I felt like I could financially do something. Anyway, it never happened, but I was seriously burning through my cash for all of this.

For me, the red flag sign was when he would get pissed if I couldn't pay for weed. He would burn through $50 worth in 2 days, and I just didn't have the cash to fund that kind of drug use. He got pissed at me and said I smoke it too (seriously, 2 puffs for the night and I'm done, so I definitely wasn't mooching). So, when the cash ran out and I had to start saying "I can't do it. I don't want to pay for weed anymore. Fund your own drug habit" is when shit went downhill.

Maybe that would be some sort of test. Tell her for a little while that you can't afford to do x or buy x. Maybe my guy was a mooch, but I could have cut off funds for everything except when I did it for weed and that's hen he blew up. I will no longer do that, but it seems to me like some of that expensive stuff is what she cares about. She should (this is from an American point of view remember) pay for at least half. Again, though, totally different culture over there.

She's never made any demands that I spend money on her. That was all my decision. She's told me expressly that I don't have to take her out on dates. Her ex never did that. In fact, I usually don't. What will usually happen is she'll invite me out to an event/bar/club and I won't have to pay anything most of the time. It's cheaper than going out with friends (except for hotels, and she chooses a cheap one). She doesn't even let me buy her drinks usually. When we do eat out she usually suggests the cheapest places (e.g. mcdonalds). I'd try what you suggested but I can't think of anything that I can say that about. On the rare occasion when I have had to pick up the bar tab (maybe once that I can think of) it hasn't been more than $10.

I did test her out though. I just kept telling her that I haven't worked in a while and I don't have that much money, etc. She seemed fine with it, she was just like 'we don't have to rent an apartment. I don't want it to cost you too much.' Btw, I do have enough money, I was just testing her.

Also, if I have a lot more money than her (which I do) then I don't mind footing the bill. It's just the thought of being used that I'm against.

 

[pirate24]

Does she smoke the meat?

Why?

 

[double ewe]

Just to be clear I'm not going to be supporting her. This place is really just going to be a love shack. i've told her as much, saying that I don't intend to move out of where I am.

ok, that's definitely different from how it sounded to me (like you two were moving in together and you'd be supporting her entirely).

from your further descriptions, she sounds straight-forward and not really gold-dig-y. there's definitely a big difference between cultural expectations and using someone. my girlfriend is similar in terms of always expecting me to pay for food/drinks/outings, but is always very grateful. likewise, there are a lot of things she does for me - buying me great presents, keeping her appearance on point, etc. i had some reservations at first, but it's honestly a dynamic i've grown to really appreciate.

 

[hiphophippy]

Why?

If she doesn't smoke the meat and smoke it well it's not worth it bro.

 

[Joeof1]

^^^ Aren't you an awkward Asian kid?

Well that's kind of reassuring, I guess.

We had a discussion about courting when she mentioned it jokingly. At the time I had a shaky understanding about courtship, I thought it involved me buying her shit and trying to prove my worth to her. I told I wasn't going to do that. She said if I felt that strongly I didn't have to do it. I also said I was never going to get married. While she seemed disappointed she's still with me. When she was asked about it she was like "I'm not with pirate because he wants to marry me."

It's for that reason I don't think a family member disliking me will be an automatic deal-breaker. She has a really rocky relationship with her Dad - he beat her a lot growing up and refuses to support her. She gets tattoos even though he disapproves. Plus, her Dad already disapproves of me because I'm a foreigner (I've never met him though) - they had a huge argument about it and he said I was just using her blah blah blah.

Well what sort of relationship are you seeing coming from all of this? In all honesty it does sound to me like you are using her for sex. She's with you because you are providing for her, and you probably seem exciting to her as a Westerner. If the money stops flowing, and since Marriage is out of the question for her already, she will leave.

Her father disproves of you because of the status of your relationship. Culturally you are making her unable to being married by any Filipino. It's a loss of face. If you were courting her, and intended to marry her, there would be fewer issues between those two and you. This is the Philippines, it's completely different than Australia, or any Western nation for that matter. It seems you really do not understand the Philippines. Despite how westernized and Liberalized it can appear on the surface, it's still Asia.

If you are living there, you might want to be careful. It's not uncommon for entire families to be murdered because of a loss of face. I know several stories of it through my family and friends there. Along with some that I saw happening locally. Including my Wife's Cousin becoming crippled from talking to a girl that some rich kid was courting. You are tolerated because you are not Filipino, but by living there that tolerance will only last so long. Don't let those constant smiles fool you, there are some scary Flip's there, especially near Batangas and down near Moros.

 

[pirate24]

^^^ Aren't you an awkward Asian kid?



Well what sort of relationship are you seeing coming from all of this? In all honesty it does sound to me like you are using her for sex. She's with you because you are providing for her, and you probably seem exciting to her as a Westerner. If the money stops flowing, and since Marriage is out of the question for her already, she will leave.

Her father disproves of you because of the status of your relationship. Culturally you are making her unable to being married by any Filipino. It's a loss of face. If you were courting her, and intended to marry her, there would be fewer issues between those two and you. This is the Philippines, it's completely different than Australia, or any Western nation for that matter. It seems you really do not understand the Philippines. Despite how westernized and Liberalized it can appear on the surface, it's still Asia.

If you are living there, you might want to be careful. It's not uncommon for entire families to be murdered because of a loss of face. I know several stories of it through my family and friends there. Along with some that I saw happening locally. Including my Wife's Cousin becoming crippled from talking to a girl that some rich kid was courting. You are tolerated because you are not Filipino, but by living there that tolerance will only last so long. Don't let those constant smiles fool you, there are some scary Flip's there, especially near Batangas and down near Moros.

I'm using her for sex? How do you figure? Because we have sex? Honestly, it's not like that at all. We were the best of friends before we hooked up and we still are.

And where did I say I was providing for her? I'm not providing for her at all.

As for the entire families being murdered thing, I appreciate your concern and I've heard some of the stories but I don't really associate with those types of people. Plus, most of the places I frequent are guarded like Fort Knox.

Don't assume she's a certain way just because she's Filipina. I'm Australian but that doesn't mean I like meat pies and AFL.

 

[shahab6]

are you planning to marry her?? if you are, then it's not a big deal if you can pay for everything.. if you can afford to pay for her. I don't see what the big deal is.. If you can't afford to pay for for her, then that's another story..
it's customary in these cultures for the guy to pay, for example in Persians, if the guy doesn't pay for everything, the father will see it as, you are not financially ready to support her.. And they won't let their daughter Marry you. but once they get married, they start working, and they start contributing.. or their parents will buy them a house when they get married, or they will give them a lot of money.

 

[pirate24]

are you planning to marry her?? if you are, then it's not a big deal if you can pay for everything.. if you can afford to pay for her. I don't see what the big deal is.. If you can't afford to pay for for her, then that's another story..
it's customary in these cultures for the guy to pay, for example in Persians, if the guy doesn't pay for everything, the father will see it as, you are not financially ready to support her.. And they won't let their daughter Marry you.

The issue is I don't want to be with someone who will only be with me if I can support them or wouldn't be willing to chip in financially if she had more money. She said she would if she could, which is what matters to me.

She's not as conservative as most of you seem to think. I think there's a lot of unfair stereotyping going on in this thread. She once threw hot coffee into her stepmum's face (because she was being a bitch) and doesn't listen to her father. When I asked her what she would do if her father disapproved of me she was like 'I dunno, disagree I guess? And helloooo! I'm 24!"

No, I'm not planning to marry her. I told her I never intend to get married because I don't need to sign a piece of paper to let someone know I love them. While that was partly true I mainly just wanted to say that to see if she would stick around. She has. Now, I'm thinking I really care about this girl and if she really wants to get married I would marry her (not right away of course, but a few years down the road).

 

[Antecessor]

'She once threw hot coffee into her stepmum's face(because she was being a bitch) '


I'm blind in one eye from someone who did that to me.
You say it like its a good thing, its not.

It sounds to me, from reading this whole thread, though this is JUST my opinion and I cant know the full circumstances, that yous are both using each other.

In my opinion also, I may not be right, nor to sound rude, but it seems like you have been changing the information based on commenters perceptions of the information you originally provided, ie your story isnt straight, generally when spoken, storys changing are not perceived, but written down, where one can read back everything said, it sticks out like dogs balls, to me.

EG: 'No, I'm not planning to marry her.' 'I would marry her'



Are you attracted to Phillys specifically?
Can you/cant you, get a girl from your home country?

Im just saying it would be better and easier for both of you, if you just got someone who is your cultural equal. Not that any one culture is better or worse, I am a relativist, but cultures are different from each other, and often one will see a westerner going across culture and even country, just because the power imbalance makes it easier to obtain pussy.

My uncle Charlie, the dirty fucker, uses up and spits out mail order bride from the Phil and now China because the Philly agency banned him for sending them away bashed and humilated (though they do all get Aussie citizenship. They only cost him 10 - 20 grand a hit, he's on his 7th wife.


Relationships with power imbalances can work out, but they can also get very ugly and breed contempt, anger and feelings of being used, like you have told us here about you feeling used, and apparently your GFs family feeling that shes being used as well.




Go back to being her friend, get her into your country, wait till she sets herself up, THEN see if she still wants you, if she does, then its genuine. If you cant do that for her, then YOU wouldnt be genuine, in my opinion.


Now I dont mean to be rude or anything, I really dont care about what you do, but you asked for advice based on my interpretation of the limited information you have provided, so here it is, sorry in advance if its in any way offensive, Im sure your a good person.

 

[pirate24]

'She once threw hot coffee into her stepmum's face(because she was being a bitch) '


I'm blind in one eye from someone who did that to me.
You say it like its a good thing, its not.

It sounds to me, from reading this whole thread, though this is JUST my opinion and I cant know the full circumstances, that yous are both using each other.

In my opinion also, I may not be right, nor to sound rude, but it seems like you have been changing the information based on commenters perceptions of the information you originally provided, ie your story isnt straight, generally when spoken, storys changing are not perceived, but written down, where one can read back everything said, it sticks out like dogs balls, to me.

EG: 'No, I'm not planning to marry her.' 'I would marry her'



Are you attracted to Phillys specifically?
Can you/cant you, get a girl from your home country?

Im just saying it would be better and easier for both of you, if you just got someone who is your cultural equal. Not that any one culture is better or worse, I am a relativist, but cultures are different from each other, and often one will see a westerner going across culture and even country, just because the power imbalance makes it easier to obtain pussy.

My uncle Charlie, the dirty fucker, uses up and spits out mail order bride from the Phil and now China because the Philly agency banned him for sending them away bashed and humilated (though they do all get Aussie citizenship. They only cost him 10 - 20 grand a hit, he's on his 7th wife.


Relationships with power imbalances can work out, but they can also get very ugly and breed contempt, anger and feelings of being used, like you have told us here about you feeling used, and apparently your GFs family feeling that shes being used as well.




Go back to being her friend, get her into your country, wait till she sets herself up, THEN see if she still wants you, if she does, then its genuine. If you cant do that for her, then YOU wouldnt be genuine, in my opinion.


Now I dont mean to be rude or anything, I really dont care about what you do, but you asked for advice based on my interpretation of the limited information you have provided, so here it is, sorry in advance if its in any way offensive, Im sure your a good person.

I'm not changing my story. Everything I said is true. It probably just seems that way because initially I just presented one side of the story (i.e. that she never pays) and then presented the other side (i.e. that I hardly pay for anything). Those two statements aren't inconsistent btw. Neither is "I don't plan on marrying her" and "I would marry her". That is, I don't PLAN on marrying her but I wouldn't rule out the possibility.

I mentioned the hot coffee thing just to illustrate that she's not completely subservient to her family. I've done stupid shit when I'm angry too. But I'm not saying it's a good thing.

Honestly, i don't see how she could be using me for anything. What the fuck is she using me for? Free fast food and cheap hotels once a week? Come on. I don't see how you can assume that. And how can you assume I'm using her? Because we have sex?

I know it would be 'easier' if I was with someone from my own culture. Call me a sap, but if you love someone, you can't just give up on them because they just happened to be born into a different culture.

 

[F1n1shed]

Sounds like she's kind of a user, she models and what expects to just save all of that for when shes done with you? She should be chipping in at least a little, unless you were making some big funds. In which case you wouldn't even ask this here

 

[pirate24]

'she'll invite me out to an event/bar/club and I won't have to pay anything most of the time'

The OP says she wont chip in, then says this.

i dont understand, is she contributing or not.

I mean she won't pay but they'll be free drinks.