XOCVANDALX
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 3, 2004
- Messages
- 230
Ok ive been going to bluelight for like ten years now but i rarely post. But right now im seriously confused. Im hoping to get some decent feedback 
Ok i started dating this girl in May of 2010. I was twenty three years old and fresh out of prison so i was defidently enjoying the female company. This girl that i had been friends with suddenly took interest in me. I had known her for a few years before we started dating and i had virtually no interest in being anything more than a friend to her. She wanted to hook up with me but i kinda put it off for a little cause i never really looked at her like that. But we hooked up and we started dating shortly after. Keep in mind i had NEVER had a girlfriend before and the list of girls ive hooked up with prior to her was relatively short compared to a lot of my peers. She always knew from day one that i used dope. When we first started dating i was open about it and i would do things like slam heroin and she would itch my head. But really soon she let me know that if she was guna be with me the drug use was guna have to end. Her brother struggles with heroin and has been in and out of jail for the past ten years or so. So i suppose she had seen the damage it can do to someone first hand.
So wat did i do? Well wat any addict does i lied about doing it. I was so strung out all i cared about was getting loaded and her needs were never an issue to me at that point in time. Doing the dope behind her back went on for a solid six months. She would find out i wqs using i would tell her i was straight she would come back. This happened quite a few times but of course i never really stopped if anything i might of lowered my use a little but never totally quit. I was living a lie.
Last december (about a year ago) i took 4mg of xanax and shot up my usual amount of black tar heroin. Big mistake. I hadnt done xanax in almost two years. But i use to heavily abuse it...to the point where i would need 6mg just to get a buzz going. So io thought i could handle two petty xanax bars. Well the combo of xanax and heroin damn near killed me and if it wasnt for my friend walking in on the bathroom to see me sprawled out pretty much dead than i highly doubt i would be sharing this with u all today. So i basiclly almost died and she cried a lot my friend told me. I sent her messages like i wish i would of died and messed up things like that cause she broke up with me and i was already out of my mind with the pills and dope.
Due to my parole status i was facing a violation for using heroin. The cops came with the paramedics the night i od and spread the word to my parole officer real quick. So i thought i was going back to prison and i went on an even bigger run. I started doin pills and slammin dope like crazy. One day my mom walked in on me using and threw the spoon against the wall..which set me off a lot. I was so jacked up on pills and h that i thought it would be a good idea to call the cops and tell them i was guna jump off a bridge so i could "hide out" in the psych ward from my po.
Eventually i came to my senses and called my po. He said i should enter drug treatment in lieu of prison time. So i attended a 30 day rehab that was everyday for 13 hours. At this point my girlfriend had taken me back and she was happy i was getting my life straight and came over every night when i got back from rehab (it was outpatient).
After completing rehab everything was good. Our relationship was solid and she knew that i was serious about not putting a needle on my arm. But than a real fucked up thing happened.
My bed ridden grandma who i looked after fell off the toilet and broke her hip. The paramedics came and so did a couple cops who proceeded to do a parole search on my residence. They found an old hollowed out pen i used to smoke heroin with that was extremly old. I got possession of controlled substance parapehnilia and was returned to prison for seventy five days.
She still stuck by me and wrote me letters and stuff. She was on the team cause she knew the situation of me being behind bars was fucked off.
I got out last May and shit was just different. It was like having to restart the whole relationship and she expressed bitterness towards me being incarcerated. Ive got some time under my belt so 2.5 months wasnt too hard on me. But i began to look at it from her point of view and ya its kind of a long time to be away from someone u care for or "love".
We broke up in June cause i got drunk one night and said some pretty nasty stuff to her. She got with another guy i eventually found another girl. Well around the end of august we both decided to get back together cuz the people we were dating we werent compatible with. She told me she loved me and i told her i loved her. I started off kinda controlling but she told me it was a huge turn off so i stopped. Other than that our relationship was going strong i was taking her out to eat buying her shit and doing everything in my power to tell and show her i loved her and was happy to be back.
Towards september she caught me doing xanax again. This time she broke up with me and i could tell by her demeanor and all around attitude that she was sincerely over it. I guess i fucked up one too many times..
Between mental hospitals jails and drug addiction i can see why i was kind of on thin ice to begin with. I used behind her back again and really kinda didnt have much to say. She was fed up and i was caught red handed with those fucking pills again
Last night she called me at like 5am. I returned her call a couple hours later and she said her friend had the phone and somehow i must of accidentally been dialed. I asked her how she was doing how her job was and how it was with her new bf (whom she acquired kinda quickly but i expected it)
Anyways i know i provided plenty of background information. My concern is everytime i contact her she gives me extremly vague answers and basiclly hints around that she doesnt want to talk to me. I thought eventually she would stop doing this but its been a month and a half and she still acts this way everytime i contact her. She basiclly told me it was too early for us to see each other or be friends and i kinda think shes right....but does the occasional call now and than really hurt? I really grew attached to this girl she was like my best friend and the only one who inspired me to do better for myself..and now she makes no effort wat so ever to contact me.
Never did i think it would be like this i always thought if we broke up she would at least want to be friends and talk from time to time. Im not even wanting to personally see her at this point but i got no clue on why she wants to break all contact with me. The way i look at it she could of cheated on me fifty times and i would still eventually call her and stay in contact as friends. After all we were friends way before we got together.
After our very brief combo i sent her five very long text msgs. I know i should keep it short and sweet but im over playing games and i wanted to tell her that i would always have her back and that our time spent together was cherished by me. I also told her that right now prolly isnt the best time to be friends but i would appreciate an occasional phone call. Im seriously over trying to get her back i know right now its not guna work or it might never work. Fine. Cool. I got no choice to accept it. But im literally baffled at her ability to totally shut me out of her life completely and totally. To me it seems cold hearted and makes me think she never cared much to begin with.
So wat do u guys think? Why is she opting to totally eliminate me from her life? I literally cant believe she would totally abandon me like this and not call from time to time. Btw me calling her gets no where. The convo will never exceed two mins and even if i get that much out of her its like pulling teeth! Help me BL!
Ok i started dating this girl in May of 2010. I was twenty three years old and fresh out of prison so i was defidently enjoying the female company. This girl that i had been friends with suddenly took interest in me. I had known her for a few years before we started dating and i had virtually no interest in being anything more than a friend to her. She wanted to hook up with me but i kinda put it off for a little cause i never really looked at her like that. But we hooked up and we started dating shortly after. Keep in mind i had NEVER had a girlfriend before and the list of girls ive hooked up with prior to her was relatively short compared to a lot of my peers. She always knew from day one that i used dope. When we first started dating i was open about it and i would do things like slam heroin and she would itch my head. But really soon she let me know that if she was guna be with me the drug use was guna have to end. Her brother struggles with heroin and has been in and out of jail for the past ten years or so. So i suppose she had seen the damage it can do to someone first hand.
So wat did i do? Well wat any addict does i lied about doing it. I was so strung out all i cared about was getting loaded and her needs were never an issue to me at that point in time. Doing the dope behind her back went on for a solid six months. She would find out i wqs using i would tell her i was straight she would come back. This happened quite a few times but of course i never really stopped if anything i might of lowered my use a little but never totally quit. I was living a lie.
Last december (about a year ago) i took 4mg of xanax and shot up my usual amount of black tar heroin. Big mistake. I hadnt done xanax in almost two years. But i use to heavily abuse it...to the point where i would need 6mg just to get a buzz going. So io thought i could handle two petty xanax bars. Well the combo of xanax and heroin damn near killed me and if it wasnt for my friend walking in on the bathroom to see me sprawled out pretty much dead than i highly doubt i would be sharing this with u all today. So i basiclly almost died and she cried a lot my friend told me. I sent her messages like i wish i would of died and messed up things like that cause she broke up with me and i was already out of my mind with the pills and dope.
Due to my parole status i was facing a violation for using heroin. The cops came with the paramedics the night i od and spread the word to my parole officer real quick. So i thought i was going back to prison and i went on an even bigger run. I started doin pills and slammin dope like crazy. One day my mom walked in on me using and threw the spoon against the wall..which set me off a lot. I was so jacked up on pills and h that i thought it would be a good idea to call the cops and tell them i was guna jump off a bridge so i could "hide out" in the psych ward from my po.
Eventually i came to my senses and called my po. He said i should enter drug treatment in lieu of prison time. So i attended a 30 day rehab that was everyday for 13 hours. At this point my girlfriend had taken me back and she was happy i was getting my life straight and came over every night when i got back from rehab (it was outpatient).
After completing rehab everything was good. Our relationship was solid and she knew that i was serious about not putting a needle on my arm. But than a real fucked up thing happened.
My bed ridden grandma who i looked after fell off the toilet and broke her hip. The paramedics came and so did a couple cops who proceeded to do a parole search on my residence. They found an old hollowed out pen i used to smoke heroin with that was extremly old. I got possession of controlled substance parapehnilia and was returned to prison for seventy five days.
She still stuck by me and wrote me letters and stuff. She was on the team cause she knew the situation of me being behind bars was fucked off.
I got out last May and shit was just different. It was like having to restart the whole relationship and she expressed bitterness towards me being incarcerated. Ive got some time under my belt so 2.5 months wasnt too hard on me. But i began to look at it from her point of view and ya its kind of a long time to be away from someone u care for or "love".
We broke up in June cause i got drunk one night and said some pretty nasty stuff to her. She got with another guy i eventually found another girl. Well around the end of august we both decided to get back together cuz the people we were dating we werent compatible with. She told me she loved me and i told her i loved her. I started off kinda controlling but she told me it was a huge turn off so i stopped. Other than that our relationship was going strong i was taking her out to eat buying her shit and doing everything in my power to tell and show her i loved her and was happy to be back.
Towards september she caught me doing xanax again. This time she broke up with me and i could tell by her demeanor and all around attitude that she was sincerely over it. I guess i fucked up one too many times..
Between mental hospitals jails and drug addiction i can see why i was kind of on thin ice to begin with. I used behind her back again and really kinda didnt have much to say. She was fed up and i was caught red handed with those fucking pills again
Last night she called me at like 5am. I returned her call a couple hours later and she said her friend had the phone and somehow i must of accidentally been dialed. I asked her how she was doing how her job was and how it was with her new bf (whom she acquired kinda quickly but i expected it)
Anyways i know i provided plenty of background information. My concern is everytime i contact her she gives me extremly vague answers and basiclly hints around that she doesnt want to talk to me. I thought eventually she would stop doing this but its been a month and a half and she still acts this way everytime i contact her. She basiclly told me it was too early for us to see each other or be friends and i kinda think shes right....but does the occasional call now and than really hurt? I really grew attached to this girl she was like my best friend and the only one who inspired me to do better for myself..and now she makes no effort wat so ever to contact me.
Never did i think it would be like this i always thought if we broke up she would at least want to be friends and talk from time to time. Im not even wanting to personally see her at this point but i got no clue on why she wants to break all contact with me. The way i look at it she could of cheated on me fifty times and i would still eventually call her and stay in contact as friends. After all we were friends way before we got together.
After our very brief combo i sent her five very long text msgs. I know i should keep it short and sweet but im over playing games and i wanted to tell her that i would always have her back and that our time spent together was cherished by me. I also told her that right now prolly isnt the best time to be friends but i would appreciate an occasional phone call. Im seriously over trying to get her back i know right now its not guna work or it might never work. Fine. Cool. I got no choice to accept it. But im literally baffled at her ability to totally shut me out of her life completely and totally. To me it seems cold hearted and makes me think she never cared much to begin with.
So wat do u guys think? Why is she opting to totally eliminate me from her life? I literally cant believe she would totally abandon me like this and not call from time to time. Btw me calling her gets no where. The convo will never exceed two mins and even if i get that much out of her its like pulling teeth! Help me BL!
