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- Thread starter pk.
- Start date
xstayfadedx
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jan 7, 2011
- Messages
- 20,559
I hope you change your mind too... There's something inside you that still wants to live even if you choose to believe so or not. Don't end your life because there is so much to live for. I know this sounds so cliche but its true. Hopefully you get the chance to realize that one day. Just don't take your life because its something you can't ever take back.
I may not know you but I care and it saddens me to see someone feel this way. Please pm if you would like to.. I will respond. I do care about what you have to say and no you would not be wasting my time. Please, rethink your decision.
I may not know you but I care and it saddens me to see someone feel this way. Please pm if you would like to.. I will respond. I do care about what you have to say and no you would not be wasting my time. Please, rethink your decision.
jackie jones
Bluelight Crew
Time to get away, man. Pack your supplies and hit the road. There is no other cure. So much to see and do.
pk, this list is FAR from exhaustive. I'm not dismissing the effort you've put in to feeling better, I can see that you've tried really hard and you've been struggling for a long time. But you definitely have NOT tried everything yet. Please don't give up yet.
What about counselling/therapy?? Therapy can be damn hard work but it can help SO much. Even if you have tried it once, twice, a few times before, please try again. It's not your time to go yet, PLEASE don't give up
Tude
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Aug 20, 2011
- Messages
- 11,204
Obviously you haven't given up. If you had, you wouldn't have posted. This is another option you're trying out before you do give up. That being said, I'm glad you haven't given up on yourself. The only thing I can say is please don't kill yourself!
Mel22
Bluelight Crew
Eight years is certainly a long time, but it can get better. You need to experience more before leaving! How old are you if you don't mind sharing?
I'm sure you've done some great things in your time here, and made a lot of people happy. Is this really how you wanna go out? You don't wanna leave more of an impression, do more, see more before you go? What about taking out a loan and just fucking off backpacking around the world? Please, try everything before doing this. If you try absolutely EVERYTHING and nothing helps, then you can do this. But for now, plan to get up, fuck off and see the world first!
I'm sure you've done some great things in your time here, and made a lot of people happy. Is this really how you wanna go out? You don't wanna leave more of an impression, do more, see more before you go? What about taking out a loan and just fucking off backpacking around the world? Please, try everything before doing this. If you try absolutely EVERYTHING and nothing helps, then you can do this. But for now, plan to get up, fuck off and see the world first!
I feel that there must be at least a tiny part of you who hasn't given up and wants to live too, else you wouldn't have posted.. which gives me hope you may change your mind. N3o makes a very good point - therapy is often the one thing that does work for people - and there are many different kinds of therapy out there to be tried and explored.. while you are alive there is always hope, and choices, and the chance for freedom. None of that exists when you are dead
Do you have people who care about you? If so, if you can't find anything to live for within yourself, how about trying to hang on for a bit for them? In the long term I know things will get better for you (nothing lasts, everything passes..) and you will ideally want to live for you, but as a temporary holding measure thinking about people who would be devastated by your death can be very powerful..
We all want you to live, so much. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk
Do you have people who care about you? If so, if you can't find anything to live for within yourself, how about trying to hang on for a bit for them? In the long term I know things will get better for you (nothing lasts, everything passes..) and you will ideally want to live for you, but as a temporary holding measure thinking about people who would be devastated by your death can be very powerful..
We all want you to live, so much. Feel free to pm me if you want to talk
Deleted member 210577
Bluelight Crew
+1. If you truely feel the way you do, what have you to lose by just taking what you have and just hitting the road to where ever? See what happens? If shit doesn't work out you can still go for plan b, at least you will have had a glimpse at what it means to be free.
footscrazy
Bluelight Crew
effie said:
Sometimes this is what you need to do. At the depth of my despair that's all that kept me hanging on, and while it didn't help me feel better, and I suffered and hated it through every minute, I decided that the people I cared about were more important than my pain.
Along the same lines, I thought that if I could make another living being's life better in the future, my life was worthwhile. Even if there was no happiness left for me, I thought that was a reason to live. Even if it was just a dog or an animal, at that point I had a lot of empathy for others' suffering, feeling it so intensly myself. I thought you know, if I could volunteer at a pound in the future and bring happiness into a dog's life, and I have the power to do that, I should - even if it was just because I never wanted anything else to experience the level of despair I was.
jackie jones said:
This is also great advice. If you're at the point of suicide, you have nothing to lose. You could live life as if there are no consequences, if you've decided you're going to kill yourself at the end anyway. Paint a mural on the outside of your house, give a beggar $100 and write him a letter, swim naked in the ocean, hit the road like jackie jones said, choosing places to go because you like the sound of the name. Hopefully along the way, you will discover there is something to live for
PK... is part of the problem for you the holiday season? It seems like I read posts like yours more often from Halloween to New Years here at Bluelight.
A good friend of mine told me he was going to kill himself. He had been through counseling, been admitted into the hospital a couple times for observation, and at 27 had done everything he could think of, but he was not happy. He was just straight up miserable. (He had never used any kind of street drugs. He wasn't an addict. He was fatally depressed and he could not find a cure.)
We met and talked three or four times a week, from August to November of 2000. I never told him "Don't kill yourself." I just hung out with him and we talked. I asked him what he knew about suicide. I asked him about his beliefs about heaven and hell. I'm nobody, from nowhere, with no idea what to say to someone who really wants to be done with living but I wasn't afraid to listen to him talk about suicide.
He was originally going to kill himself during the Perseid meteor showers in August, but instead we went to the desert and watched the stars fall. He felt better after that for about a month. Our conversations leaned more towards life and I had hopes that he would be alright.
In October the discussions headed into death again. He said that he just couldn't take it. He hated his life. I tried to understand his point of view. I asked him questions. His answers got more and more depressing. Sometimes he would stop talking and ask me to just be still with him. I really don't know how many times or how many hours we spent alone and quiet. He'd ask me not to leave, so I would stay.
Eventually he told me he was done. He said he had tried, and he appreciated that I didn't judge him or try to tell him what to do. He said, "I've decided to do this. I am going to commit suicide. I am not going to see the sun rise on Thanksgiving Day." I said, "I feel wrong saying goodbye to you, I wish you would stay alive."
He held me and thanked me and said some brief, meaningful words to me. I asked him to reconsider... I grabbed his hands and I prayed for him. I didn't know what else to do. It was the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. Wednesday, I went in and told the po po of his plans, which I hated to do. Late Wednesday night or early Thanksgiving morning, he shot himself in the head. I didn't find out about it until the Saturday after because he killed himself in a different city.
This week is Thanksgiving... and I still miss him. Every Thanksgiving, I think about suicide. It apparently stops the pain for the one who dies. I hope it stopped his pain anyway, because he was truly in misery.
I discovered that I didn't even know what pain was until his death settled on my heart. I have been in pain ever since.
I feel for you, and for anyone who knows you. You have a cell phone I guess, with some names in there. Look at the names. Even if there are only two names, there are two people who will go through torture. Identifying your body, contacting everyone in your world, arranging your funeral.... the person who is hurting the most from your death will likely be the same one that has to do all of the above. You might end your pain but in so doing, you will give someone's heart pain like he or she or they have never felt before and the pain of your death will be neverending sorrow.
I understand being miserable and I learned from my friend that maybe not everyone can be saved. I don't feel guilty and I am not trying to make you feel guilty. I wish my friend was still alive. He was a wonderful, caring person. He had no idea how many people cared about him. I don't know you and I won't suffer through your funeral and burial but I know that someone will.
For the sake of that someone, reconsider.
On behalf of the tender hearts with no idea of your plans, please reconsider.
You are unhappy and you have had enough of the bullshit in this world and I agree with you. I got sick of all the shit myself and finally came to the conclusion that I wanted out. I attempted to kill myself last December. My oldest son, then 31 years old, found me, and saved me. I was angry when I first realized I was still alive... then people started coming to see me. My kids, their friends, people I knew back in school, the cashier at the Circle K where I get my coffee... have you ever had someone lay his or her head down on your chest, and weep hard until your shirt is soaked? All these people told me they loved me. I almost did the same thing to them that my friend did to me... I almost taught them a whole new level of sorrow.
(I miss you, Scott, and I hope and pray you found the peace you so desperately sought. I miss you.)
A good friend of mine told me he was going to kill himself. He had been through counseling, been admitted into the hospital a couple times for observation, and at 27 had done everything he could think of, but he was not happy. He was just straight up miserable. (He had never used any kind of street drugs. He wasn't an addict. He was fatally depressed and he could not find a cure.)
We met and talked three or four times a week, from August to November of 2000. I never told him "Don't kill yourself." I just hung out with him and we talked. I asked him what he knew about suicide. I asked him about his beliefs about heaven and hell. I'm nobody, from nowhere, with no idea what to say to someone who really wants to be done with living but I wasn't afraid to listen to him talk about suicide.
He was originally going to kill himself during the Perseid meteor showers in August, but instead we went to the desert and watched the stars fall. He felt better after that for about a month. Our conversations leaned more towards life and I had hopes that he would be alright.
In October the discussions headed into death again. He said that he just couldn't take it. He hated his life. I tried to understand his point of view. I asked him questions. His answers got more and more depressing. Sometimes he would stop talking and ask me to just be still with him. I really don't know how many times or how many hours we spent alone and quiet. He'd ask me not to leave, so I would stay.
Eventually he told me he was done. He said he had tried, and he appreciated that I didn't judge him or try to tell him what to do. He said, "I've decided to do this. I am going to commit suicide. I am not going to see the sun rise on Thanksgiving Day." I said, "I feel wrong saying goodbye to you, I wish you would stay alive."
He held me and thanked me and said some brief, meaningful words to me. I asked him to reconsider... I grabbed his hands and I prayed for him. I didn't know what else to do. It was the Tuesday before Thanksgiving. Wednesday, I went in and told the po po of his plans, which I hated to do. Late Wednesday night or early Thanksgiving morning, he shot himself in the head. I didn't find out about it until the Saturday after because he killed himself in a different city.
This week is Thanksgiving... and I still miss him. Every Thanksgiving, I think about suicide. It apparently stops the pain for the one who dies. I hope it stopped his pain anyway, because he was truly in misery.
I discovered that I didn't even know what pain was until his death settled on my heart. I have been in pain ever since.
I feel for you, and for anyone who knows you. You have a cell phone I guess, with some names in there. Look at the names. Even if there are only two names, there are two people who will go through torture. Identifying your body, contacting everyone in your world, arranging your funeral.... the person who is hurting the most from your death will likely be the same one that has to do all of the above. You might end your pain but in so doing, you will give someone's heart pain like he or she or they have never felt before and the pain of your death will be neverending sorrow.
I understand being miserable and I learned from my friend that maybe not everyone can be saved. I don't feel guilty and I am not trying to make you feel guilty. I wish my friend was still alive. He was a wonderful, caring person. He had no idea how many people cared about him. I don't know you and I won't suffer through your funeral and burial but I know that someone will.
For the sake of that someone, reconsider.
On behalf of the tender hearts with no idea of your plans, please reconsider.
You are unhappy and you have had enough of the bullshit in this world and I agree with you. I got sick of all the shit myself and finally came to the conclusion that I wanted out. I attempted to kill myself last December. My oldest son, then 31 years old, found me, and saved me. I was angry when I first realized I was still alive... then people started coming to see me. My kids, their friends, people I knew back in school, the cashier at the Circle K where I get my coffee... have you ever had someone lay his or her head down on your chest, and weep hard until your shirt is soaked? All these people told me they loved me. I almost did the same thing to them that my friend did to me... I almost taught them a whole new level of sorrow.
(I miss you, Scott, and I hope and pray you found the peace you so desperately sought. I miss you.
)
InhaleDeep
Bluelighter
Suicide - a final solution to a temporary problem. And also the most selfish act in the world. You are "saved" from all the earthly problems, and your loved ones stay here to suffer and blame themselves for your act forever. Seeing the look in my mom's eyes after my failed attempt is the most awful thing I've ever seen. I know I might sound harsh, but the truth is, only cowards attempt to end their life.
Think about it. If you're seriously contemplating suicide, then it seems like you have "nothing left to lose". So why not leave the pills, books, and all those mediocre things you tried behind and do something completely drastical that'll change your life, for good or for worse, forever? Like jackie jones suggested - pack your bags and go. This is your chance. Experience what our planet has to offer as much as possible - you can always kill yourself later, after all.
Think about it. If you're seriously contemplating suicide, then it seems like you have "nothing left to lose". So why not leave the pills, books, and all those mediocre things you tried behind and do something completely drastical that'll change your life, for good or for worse, forever? Like jackie jones suggested - pack your bags and go. This is your chance. Experience what our planet has to offer as much as possible - you can always kill yourself later, after all.
footscrazy
Bluelight Crew
^ There's always someone who comes into threads like this and think they're being useful by saying it's selfish, or a cowardly act. I don't believe it's helpful advice. Even if it were true, it seems counter productive to make someone who feels such despair, even more terrible, and expect that to be the turning point for them.
InhaleDeep
Bluelighter
Well, it's the realization that helped me to finally stop feeling sorry for myself and start living after two failed attempts. People are different.
footscrazy
Bluelight Crew
Fair enough, but I think it may be different feeling your mum's pain after you've done that, compared to being told online it's the cowards way out. What you describe sounds like it's about love, loving someone so much you don't want to cause them to suffer. I believe that's a much stronger force than the desire not to be selfish, or a coward.
Selfish? By the time I felt like killing myself I really believed my fam would be better off without me. Depression gave me wicked thoughts like that. I know they love me and they need me but while I was uberdepressed, I forgot. I was sick. That's what happened.
Cowardly? Put a loaded gun to your head. Is your hand trembling? Fuck Yes it is. No cowardice in killing oneself. Go down to the moment between life and death and force yourself to choose death. The moment of your choice, your finger on the trigger and the gun feeling hard and heavy in your mouth... people who call out "cowards!" can't even allow themselves to IMAGINE what it means to make that choice and are themselves afraid of death. That is how it seems to me.
And of course they are afraid of death, (but too shallow to admit it)... and disguise the fear of death with religions and philosophies.
PK, you already have a date with death, darlin. If you press the date, I won't be mad at you. I won't hate. I know life sucks. I also know I could die today. So could you. Even if you didn't want to, you might die today.
Cowardly? Put a loaded gun to your head. Is your hand trembling? Fuck Yes it is. No cowardice in killing oneself. Go down to the moment between life and death and force yourself to choose death. The moment of your choice, your finger on the trigger and the gun feeling hard and heavy in your mouth... people who call out "cowards!" can't even allow themselves to IMAGINE what it means to make that choice and are themselves afraid of death. That is how it seems to me.
And of course they are afraid of death, (but too shallow to admit it)... and disguise the fear of death with religions and philosophies.
PK, you already have a date with death, darlin. If you press the date, I won't be mad at you. I won't hate. I know life sucks. I also know I could die today. So could you. Even if you didn't want to, you might die today.
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
Pk, I know this is going to sound somewhat ridiculous to say but I feel like you are one of our little tribe over in the Words forum and through that I feel a special affection for you. I always read your poems and feel better for having done so.I feel terrible that I did not know the depth of the alienation you are experiencing right now.
Many people here knew my son who overdosed last May. Depression and despair took huge bites out of him before consuming him completely. I fully understand the slow torture of those emotions. He, like you, tried very hard, for many years, to loosen their grip on his life. One thing that breaks my heart more than anything is a small notebook I found in his apartment with an attempt to get himself to write as a way to save himself. The last entry is scrawled onto the page: JUST KEEP WRITING!
But he didn't. Your writing is a powerful tool, PK. You can use it to find your way through this. Your writing can be your flashlight; you don't have to shine it way ahead of you to stay on the path--just shine it at your feet right now--let yourself see one step you need to take right in front of you. Write as deep into your despair as you can. You have a powerful voice and a poet's soul. That means that you are going to feel and feelings hurt!
I can appreciate that you want to be spared hearing all the reasons that you should choose life, but I will join in the chorus of voices here that say, please try to turn away from this idea as a solution to ending the pain you feel. You are so young and all your senses are wide open and raw. It is completely natural to feel what you are feeling but sitting with that feeling, writing about it if you can, and then letting it pass for now allows for movement, for change. Learning to stay strong without sacrificing vulnerability is the trickiest dance to learn but I know that you have it in you. Please, PK, just keep writing.
All my respect and hope to you
Many people here knew my son who overdosed last May. Depression and despair took huge bites out of him before consuming him completely. I fully understand the slow torture of those emotions. He, like you, tried very hard, for many years, to loosen their grip on his life. One thing that breaks my heart more than anything is a small notebook I found in his apartment with an attempt to get himself to write as a way to save himself. The last entry is scrawled onto the page: JUST KEEP WRITING!
But he didn't. Your writing is a powerful tool, PK. You can use it to find your way through this. Your writing can be your flashlight; you don't have to shine it way ahead of you to stay on the path--just shine it at your feet right now--let yourself see one step you need to take right in front of you. Write as deep into your despair as you can. You have a powerful voice and a poet's soul. That means that you are going to feel and feelings hurt!
I can appreciate that you want to be spared hearing all the reasons that you should choose life, but I will join in the chorus of voices here that say, please try to turn away from this idea as a solution to ending the pain you feel. You are so young and all your senses are wide open and raw. It is completely natural to feel what you are feeling but sitting with that feeling, writing about it if you can, and then letting it pass for now allows for movement, for change. Learning to stay strong without sacrificing vulnerability is the trickiest dance to learn but I know that you have it in you. Please, PK, just keep writing.
All my respect and hope to you
I hope you change your mind. If you don't feel the love in real life you know you can always come to this board and feel love from this online community. I have a lot of love in my heart for you and I have never met you. Please reconsider.
Ixchellian
Bluelighter
Pretty sure of that, aren't you?
Interrogatives:
How do you know that reality is confined by such absolutes?
How can you know death, and what it is?
Rather; it's reckless to assume that the scope of individual experience & opinion defines the reality of others, while totally disregarding the depth of their existence.
Are you so flawlessly empathetic & altruistic that you can determine definitively, that spirits with the sad-sickness are so selfishly motivated? Or does that side of life not have any bearing in your personal reality?