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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | Eligiu | deficiT

I'm going to overdose with the next month once I obtain the heroin

Barely here... I appreciate the support that's developing, but it just makes it harder. I tried to cold turkey and if course I was calling for the ambulance only to refuse to go afraid to be at a hospital I may walk out of... Or on top of trying to kill myself if they neglected me even though the paramedic seemed understanding saying he would call APS, which I did today anyways. I also had to pawn my game console to get enough to get me through the night, but now I'm sitting here picking scabs hoping something will develop afraid to try to go to the hospital because it will just lead to me getting called a drug addict and denied help only making me want my life to end more.... Fucking supposed legit vendor of #4 sold a weak ass fentanyl batch and is accusing me of being someone else they dealt with not even acknowledging the two positive fentanyl test results and the package... If he ignores the two other people acknowledging he sent fentanyl then I'm going to be shocked as this person was the only domestic vendor known to have high quality heroin. It's just bullshit
 
Hey man I've seen your posts around but I think you are an ok dude to be honest. Can you at least give things an honest chance before you do something impulsive like this ? There has to be another answer even if it's so far ahead of you.

And one day, maybe years from now you will be delighted that you did not kill yourself. Life sucks. It's about the good moments and good days that make it worth it even if they're rare. Your own mind is defeating yourself right now. Your perception of everything is just overbearing
 
Imagine living with that perception... If I do make an attempt it won't be impulsive as I've done that too many times to know it wouldn't work it I didn't go about it thinking each piece though as hard as they may be.

I try to think about the good moments, but all be I remember is abuse, rape, tears, and pain literally even throughout the "good" times. It's also a reminder of everything I've lost and will never get back as I can't get support where I'm born and raised.

I'm trying to fight for the support I deserve, but I need at least 40$ worth of the local heroin a day. 80$ if I want to stop the methadone and get it out of my system. I'm honestly open to any bitcoin or cash transfer to help me because I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow possibly tonight or this last 100 mg doesn't get me through
 
man that is a good thing that it isn't strong the pure is near impossible to quit. it is possible, although you would have to deal with some chronic pain. I am still learning to live with my own, it comes and goes but can be hell and is every day. It is a better life than when I was doing dope. I was suicidal back then, and realized that I could no longer justify my use as my tolerance was too high and it was not controlling my pain like in the beginning stages. Cold turkey the shit that is what I did you will suffer enough especially if it's like a triple relapse since each withdrawal weakens the body to do it again. Just do that why not, then you can see how you feel. It has taken half a year but I feel pretty damn good now compared to before. And yeah those street drugs are so fucking horrible for you that clearly you are not thinking straight. When I used it, I still feel this way sometimes I guess but yeah it's just better. Up and down as the emotional amplitude dampens to a more stable state and the frequencies become more eurhythmic with higher harmonics present.

There is so much fun stuff you could do to get over that shit. Got your life ahead of you why take it away when you have no idea where you'll be a year or two from now. I'd definitely quit the dope or you'll be dead.
 
Tacodude, I'm sorry you're going through this. Addiction is never easy, but there is no turning back once you kill yourself. Surely there would be people that would miss you if you were gone. Please rethink your decision.
 
It sounds to me like you've had "support" and you know what your demons are. First step is knowing where the pain is coming from. Opiates quiet down the worst voices in our head but they truly do not let us feel the emotional pain we need to feel in order to really address them and take the blows we need to in life. Your opiate use may be magnifying past events and putting them under a microscope--at least I know this is 100% true for me. Once the euphoria dies out I begin to think about everyone who hurt me and somehow it's far more intense than if I was in a sober state of mind. I know you have chronic pain but is it possible to use less opiates and add something in for the physical pain?
 
If i could afford the cannabis and to use something like ald-52 every 6 months maybe I could drop the dose, but can't afford it. I am sure my situation and stress exacerbates the pain, but they are not root issue and caused by the pain. Reducing them does not reduce the pain or else I'd be able to smoke a bowl and be okay. My cavaties finally got to the point they hurt non stop as well so it seems every day is getting harder... I have 3 hours at least where I can't talk to anyone, get any help, and I have to lay here experiencing excruciating pain because the hospitals treat me like a drug addict and if I hear that now I would kill myself in response looking at the 2 miles or so I would have to get home on my own in the freezing cold with the bus system that runs every 30 min at best usually skipping me even if I had my bus pass waving it in the air as everyone stereotypes me and neglects me.

I'm at the point I'd take any money donations.... I'd sell myself for money if I could, but they took down the Craigslist casuals... I'd do anything for money, but I don't know how to steal stuff. I don't have any legitimate it illegitimate ways to make money. I'm broke and if adult protective services keeps fucking around with me I'll just overdose when I can get the dope next social security check like I had planned to before being told not to by a friend being given money to order off the darknet only for the one supposedly reliable local dope vendor to send fentanyl and deny it accusing me of being someone they already dealt with when they should know that's not true looking at the address. They purposely fucked me over robbing me of 180+$. I'm not risking getting screwed again. I'm gonna get an eighth of the local crap or as close to it as I can and I'll overdose. At least if nothing changes. I'm tired of this bullshit
 
You are 26 years old. The best part of life didn't kick in for me until mid to late 30s.

I know you are going through a lot but I promise you there are many people in much worse situations. I promise. I was brought up with the saying that Life isn't Fair and owes you nothing.

Whenever I feel like life has crushed me I remember how much worse others have it.

When I was your age I was dealing with sexual abuse from a family member, I had recently divorced a husband who thought I was a great boxing bag and was raising 3 small children on a job that paid $4.75 an hour but couldn't get foodstamps because I made $20 a month too much.

I went hungry all the time, my oldest daughter is deaf and paying for hearing aids cost me everything. My electricity was turned off every few months because I had no money to pay it. I sold every piece of jewelry I had to put gas in the car to go to work. I had 3 TV channels because cable wasn't a consideration and I had no phone so when my car broke down weekly I had to knock on a neighbors door.

I will leave out the most painful things that made me consider suicide pretty often but I wouldn't wish on an enemy.

Even now I have flashbacks from a 2 month hospital stay 2 years ago. One month in a coma, lost part of my left lung to an infection, I have scars everywhere from it and the trachea tube caused damage and I can't eat certain foods because I can't swallow them. My throat closed up some so eating and drinking is a daily chore. The hospital stay really messed me up and I had just left my 2nd husband of 25 years (27 years altogether).

My point? We all have horrible things that happen and we all have stories that could devastate us if we let it.
Hunt for your strength. If you are completely broke then maybe there are services available to you. Foodstamps, welfare or something. I was denied all of it because I was paying off a crappy car but needed it for work. They said sell the car and you can have foodstamps but there were no buses getting me to work so I had to have it.

You feel like a victim and I understand. But I'll say it again, Life isn't fair and owes us nothing.

I feel like asking for money or you'll kill yourself is blackmail. Many of us here could desperately use money, and not so we can spend $40 a day on H. It's not cool.

You can get mad at me...but I'm being honest. That's a lot of money and there are folks here that need that money but wouldn't ask a group of strangers.
 
Fucking bullshit... I have level 10 pain in my tooth, no dentist, and they won't prescribe opioids "because I filled a bunch of prescriptions" being one fucking script a week two weeks ago for 4 two mg hydromorphone meant for a week. If I don't get money in an hour to buy dope I'm killing myself
 
Well, I sincerely hope you have friends or family close by to give you money. Unfortunately, tomorrow you will back in this position as borrowing $40 a day is not sustainable for most people.

Good Luck in your life.
 
Well that was a horrid day.... I came close, but realized I could get money for my phone then ended up meeting random people that helped me make some good money so I'll be able to make a new order. Plus market staff acknowledged the situation so hopefully the vendor come to their senses and do right.

Also cp you say things as if I don't know it. I'm not an idiot. That's why I don't like to talk, but I always appreciate the support and concern even if it seems I take it for granted
 
So what is your actual plan? You keep saying that if you can't get any money, you are going to kill yourself. But you also keep saying that you are planning on overdosing.

You also keep asking for money here with the threat that if you don't get money you're going to end it all.. which is wrong for so many reasons.

Lashing out at the people who are attempting to help or comfort you isn't exactly going to encourage more. You refute all other options besides getting dope or killing yourself, saying things like methadone makes you emotionally unstable and that H is the only thing that will allow you to work and bring about stability.

But the truth is, the rollercoaster of using H and similar opioids is far from emotionally stable. I can't argue that methadone is for you, but it seems pretty apparent that H isn't a practical solution either. I highly doubt that your situation with the doctors is going to improve by continually going and asking for pain killers. Love it or hate it, we have a label and the situation is much bigger than individual suffering.

You're going to have to be open to change if you want to get out of this cycle. Hope things work out for you.
 
tacodude said:
I was not referencing you, but everyone else derailing my thread or assuming certain things about me that aren't true that if they read my posts they would've realised what is true
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Hey mate just so you know that its not unusual to have a back up exit plan abd rough date in the future of said exit.

I got my own vague thing, other people have yet here we are still living.

As sad as it is, theres countless of us wandering the world in the want to leave it.

I would hope you find peace and a strong set of people who know that being angry is part of it.

Checking in to show you people do care, even random internet people and youre worth every effort getting to know.

Im sad that some people here are lashing back at you when its you that needs to let it out.

At this point Id hope you are feeling a bit better and progress is going to take a long time.

Dont give up and take things out on yourself.

Take care mate
 
I am making what effort I can this month, but I need an improvement by next month when I get my income
 
Do you know how angry you should be with your life - am sick to my stomach of seeing good people go into the victimhood fuckin' abyss!!!!

Fucking pussy ass bullshit - from people who gave up at the first hurdle - seriously- this crap annoys the fuck out of me, beyond belief. :!:!:!
 
tacodude said:
I literally have made every attempt to go without opioids trying to get the underlying pain treated or holding it off. Doesn't work. Scubagirl200 who I don't even recognize is being an especially heartless bitch. I've had to deal with tough love my whole life.... Doesn't help.
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tacodude, I am thinking of you. I’ve had chronic pain since I was in my 20’s. (I’m much older than you.) I had back and neck disc replacements but I’m easily a 6-7 pain level, 24/7. I am prescribed 10 mg oxycodone every 4 hours and Carispodal every 3 hours. I’m absolutely dependent and I worry daily about this “war on opioids” b.s.

I can’t feel your physical pain, but I can sense your emotional pain and frustration clearly in your posts. And your angry, rightfully so, as how we feel is how we feel. Period. The next step is our actions, if any, based on those feelings.

Mental illness led to serious attempts in the past, I’m glad I’m alive. I’ve committed to not try again. I want to see “what happens tomorrow.”. I never told anyone I was permanently ending my pain. I didn’t want anyone intervening.

You have my sincere empathy, tacodude. I’m not judging you. I believe you. I’m worried about you.

Do you want to end the pain? That’s how it always was for me. I was just “done.” I can’t make my illnesses “go away” (treatment resistant bipolar 1, et. al. and chronic pain...disabled permanently after only practicing law for ten years).

It’s a loss you are experiencing, perhaps? A loss of a quality of life that you deserve. That is how it’s been for me. A huge loss...and unrelenting.

May I venture to say you are reaching out for support? Perhaps part of you wants to live, but in a different “meat suit,” is how I call it. I want that! Why us?

I dont have words words of wisdom, I just want to extend my support. I often wish that life had an “off button,” just for a bit.

The thing is, we are an online community and a lot of us are hurting for you. I know I’m worried, but I’m powerless to help you...this is not IRL.

Is is it possible that you are needing support right now? And that can help you pull through? Not kill yourself?

There is a term called Compassion Fatigue. It’s common for many members to experience this. We care, tacodude....do you realize our hands are tied? Do you realize we are powerless? What do you think about that? What would you post here if it was someone else, knowing, deep down, you can’t help them?

I hope we can turn this into a support thread, that’s up to you. We are not Crisis Intervention. Why, tacodude, maybe you need to project your anger and we are the recipients?

I also have a psychology degree and I have worked on a suicide hotline. And my personal experience. I think I understand—but do you understand we are powerless here?

Don't do it. Don’t give up. I wish you well and I hope you seek help. An ER will not turn you away, from my experience, if you say you are actively suicidal right now, you have a specific plan and the means to carry it out, and the absolute intention to do so. Boom. You are admitted and safe until you’re no longer in crisis. Five times I’ve admitted myself, not the same hospital. I bring a suitcase. Bring a support person if they don’t take you seriously.

Please reach out now. ER. Don’t pull up those bootstraps. Fling them on the floor. Call an ambulance or drive to the hospital....please
 
tacodude said:
I am making what effort I can this month, but I need an improvement by next month when I get my income
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You don't need anything but the realization that you have plenty of time and need a vision for the future of a happier life to keep you through the tough times that will pass if you believe that they will. It is hardly time to give up dude you always can later.
 
I'm doing it before my birthday next month... The hospital didn't do anything... My doctors won't.... My family ignores me. I'll walk into traffic tonight if I can't do anything, which likely won't kill me, but they can't refuse to take things seriously after that. Then I just have to wait to receive the money I'll receive from social security and buy what I need to overdose. I can't live like this anymore and there's no options for me that don't involve self harm. I give up. I'm ready to die
 
You know even if you had that magical opioid you need it won't fix the clear and present deterioration of your mental state. Your clinging to some idea of where things will be more perfect for you, but how? I have chronic pain to that coincidentally started after I very nearly succeeded killing myself years ago. Complications from rhybdomylosis, kidney failure, extreme keto acidosis, and compartment syndrome. I could've lost my legs. Had to be on dialysis permanetly. Believe you me too, my overdose was structured far better than yours in the sense that I eat many different classes of drugs and I was not addicted to H or anything. The sad thing to me is your stuck on a life raft that'll kill you no matter what. That raft is dope. Your feverishly trying to build unto the raft. It already has a gaping hole though. Yet futulity still eh? Your mind is warled from the H and your past experiences. You sound kinda like a child throwing a tantrum. I don't even feel like your killing yourself for yourself, it's kinda like the teenage your gonna show everyone. When I tried to off myself I cut all ties with almost anyone. I didn't want anyone to know about what happened. I didn't want anyone to hurt. Just like you need to understand though, life is pain. Since I had OD'd before going to the hospital after I woke up and couldn't feel my legs. No pain killers. I had to relearn to walk, etc, etc. I didn't cry because of that, I didn't curse. If you hate people because their not what you want them to be in acting how you want? It's like your trying to swim up current. You'll get next to nowhere and drown due to exhaustion. All you can do is search for the right person. Oh and don't make your life more complicated by getting hit by a car. Then you might actually be truly willing to do it....but maybe you can't because your paralyzed.... Either way be safe, take care, and I'm rooting for you!

Opiates or iods were never really all to great IMO. I wanted to kill myself on them or off them. Unless I was nearly unconscious. MJ thank fuck helps with my pain and is a god send mentally. Psychedelics and dissociatives have the power for mental repair and replenishment. Fuck drugs that make you a listless thoughtless fool. I can't wait until medical MJ is in full swing in my state and I won't need Lyrica unless I want it. It also seems like a problem that you have all these "reasons" as to why you can't use most of them.... If your in so much pain it should be easy to choose even if it might not be exactly what you wanted...
 
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