"tacodude"
I have been following your posts, as well as the replies to them. I haven't replied myself until now, partially because I have so much to say, and I already have a habit of getting a bit lengthy when I Post and/or Reply to a Post.
I tend to give everybody the "Benefit Of The Doubt", so I'd like to feel you're being completely honest with your Posts, and not conveniently leaving anything out.
We are humans, and one of the many ways we attempt to process what people are saying accurately, is by association, comparing what they're saying to our own, personal, experience/s.
First, You Are Dead Wrong About Nobody Caring About You. Period.
The sooner you realize that, the easier and faster you will be able to move forward in a positive way.
You are in pain, and the only relief you know of, that actually works for you, is so close, yet seemingly so far away. You also seemingly, and understandably, feel that not only "sucks-hind-tit", but is also grossly inhumane. I'm not going to disagree with you there.
You self-admittedly have some Psychological Issues. (In my experience, and well thought out deduction/opinion, everybody does. It's just a matter of to what degree.)
My interpretation of all this is that you are both Physically and Psychologically Dependent on the very medication/s that give you the pain relief you feel you need to live your life to at least some degree of happiness. No one can blame you for that.
To add insult to injury, you feel the Doctors you have been seeing have labeled you as a "Typical Drug Addict", and you feel that's being used against you in a horrible way....By denying you of the only medication/s that you feel work for you. Which would be inhumane as well.
You also said something to the effect you feel your so-called Health Care Provider/s are being Self-Righteous and Judgmental toward you, and unfortunately, at least some of them probably are. Society is full of people like that, some worse that others.
And then yet on top of all this, you're basically saying your financial situation is "bleak-at-best". So that's but yet one more thing for you to be concerned about.
Give yourself some credit for holding up as well as you have been, are, and will continue to do. In my opinion, we all forget to give ourselves the credit we deserve at times.
Right now, your entire system is exhausted, overwhelmed, de-vivitaminized....Basically All Out Of Whack, and that most definitely severely affects your Thinking Process. It would anybody's.
Without going into details, I've been teaching Survival Training for quite some time. I've seen, and continue to see, alot.
Much of Survival hinges on making good decisions, and you need to keep your brain "on plane" to do that.
Right now, you are not in a position to make a decision of any great importance. That would be like trying to decide which car you would like to buy, by test driving them all with flat tires. I'm hoping your friend you mentioned might be able help with any and/or all decision making right now, including getting you to an Emergency Care Facility if necessary.
Actually, you sound like a fairly intelligent person, and with what you are going through, I'm a bit surprised your vocabulary is as intact as it seems to be.
You're 26 year's old, and if you look deep within yourself with a clear mind, I think you'll be surprised you have the inner strength you need to plow through this long before you "fast-forward" to feeling the only option left is suicide.
Do what you have to do to get your thinking a bit more rational. (Hopefully with "The Right Doctor".) Suicide shouldn't even be an option you're considering at this point.
I've fought my "fair share" of very intense battles, and when it came right down to it, I didn't have to look far to see someone who was much worse off than I was.
Please keep us updated on how you're making out.
R.
