Recovery I can't go on, I'll go on

[simco]

Thanks for the nice words, closeau! And it's good to see your around SL again.

 

[simco]

So, I'm disappointed...mostly with myself. Yesterday I put in 2-weeks notice at my new job. Shit, I've only been there ~3 weeks. Quitting things (aside from drugs ) makes me feel like a total fucking loser. But damn, I underestimated how badly I'd fare in a retail job. Between the psychotic schedules--never the same hours twice...closing one night, opening the next morning was the closest I got to consistency--and the frantic pace--eight hours on the register with a line 10-deep all day--I was getting to the point where I lay in bed at night dreading the next day. For $11/hr, I just couldn't justify that.

So in two weeks I'll be back in the land of the unemployed.

Feeling pretty lame about the whole thing.

One strange aspect of all this...as accustomed as I've become to being in recovery, this experience reminded me that I'm still not firing at full capacity. When stress, disappointment and general negativity rear their heads, my brain goes right back to thinking about drugs. I go right back to my old 'fuck the world; I'm an alien in it anyway' mindset. That really freaked me out.

But I can't blame the quit on my recovery. That decision was all my own fragility.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Stay strong man.

 

[simco]

Stay strong man.

Thanks, CH.

 

[Stargazer]

Omg Sim-don't be disappointed in yourself-retail is a beast. We're all different and thrive at different things. Retail is not for me either.

What stood out to me about your experience is the way you're handling it--you're being honest w yourself and everyone else. Plus handling it responsibly (and w respect to yourself and others)by giving notice in advance, etc.

You didn't bottle up your dislike of this particular job, keep doing it intil you completely freaked out and went off the rails. Wow!! You have come a long way!!

You're beiing accountable and aware ? That's healthy. You will find a job that's a better fit Sim. I feel confident of that for some reason

You're really doing terrific. I'm sorry this didn't work out as you wanted. But it's only a temporary setback. Go through this thread if you need a reminder of how strong you are.

PS-the stress from retail could cause someone to begin using drugs, let alone relapse. Remember, its going to take time for thought responses to level out. Your reaction sounds pretty normal. The point is-you didn't use. A big hug for that Sim. xoxo

 

[simco]

Thanks, 10years!

I will admit that I'm pleased that I did give notice and didn't simply bail. The temptation was definitely there. Mostly, though, it's really nice to hear from my BL friends about the issue. I really appreciate the support.

Those using thoughts sure get strong when stress and disappointment (especially with myself or at least the direction I'm going in) come up. Last night I had the most vivid using dream I've had for months. It was the kind where you wake up in bed and feel like you should take a drug test to see if it really happened or not.

I'll be glad to put this little episode behind me.

 

[Stargazer]

Anytime Sim. I know those dreams...feeling around for the used rig when I wake up. Uuggh. This stuff isn't easy and takes soo long. But my God-you are really doing this! Really "working" amd living sobriety.

Im having a horrible week. I'm struggling w being infuriated at someone and not knowing what to do w it.

I've tried everything--walking, cleaning, reading and much more and it won't let up. I haven't used in 10 days. I continue trying....

The anger I'm feeling is a culmination of a few years of being taken advantage of and its come to a head. I have fought not to get physical w the person or worse. I hate being angry. And I feel helpless as how to get through it not using ...

The situation itself is causing horrible anxiety and depression-then the helpless anger is causing more of the same on top of it. A day at a time right? Hang on Sim

 

[Stargazer]

*On the dream thing-when I stopped using OxyContin (was prescribed 5 80mg a day-was on them for about 2.5 yrs) --I dreamt my bedroom was full of them-up to my knees-and I was walking through them , reaching down picking up handfuls.

I kept saying-in the dream-"omg is this real???!!!" , touching my face and hair for confirmation of reality. It was soo vivid and real!! I woke up and started sobbing.

Another I can remember-is dreaming I had those huge institution -sized pickle jars, about 50 of them, full of 80mg oxys. All neatly on shelves in my kitchen. Another wake up and sob situation.

It runs deep. Much deeper than we can believe.

 

[simco]

Damn, 10years...those dreams sound intense. I'd cry like a baby after those. Mine are always more mundane. Waiting and waiting to score, going all over town looking for the guy, etc...till it finally happens.

As for the anger, that has always been my biggest trigger. When I get pissed off it's a race to the bottom for me; nothing makes me want to use more, not even depression (which tends to make me apathetic enough that I don't get any grand ambitions). I know this is an obvious question, but can you impose some distance between yourself and this person? Sometimes that's not an option, but if it is, getting the offending person/situation out of my face is about all that allows me to calm down.

Keep going, my friend. I know how hard you're working at this.

 

[herbavore]

^Both my brother and my son found anger (rage would be more accurate as they described it) to be one of their strongest triggers. It makes sense in a way because anger has that flooding quality that switches everything else (rational thinking especially) off while it burns itself out. Ironically boredom was what they both cited as equally triggering.

Anger is a really good thing to probe when you are not in the throes of it. Maybe what you learned from this is that you need a money making venture that does not hold you at ground zero in the an aspect of the world that makes you feel like an alien. I mean we all have to live in it but there are certain situations (like having to be cheerful to a line of strangers 10 deep for 8 hours) that should be avoided if at all possible.

Your description of working retail has disabused me of my fantasy of working at Trader Joe's stocking shelves. That used to be my fantasy when I was teaching. I thought it would be fantastically mindless. My fantasy avoided all reality of imposed schedules, rotating duties including the checkout line, etc.

 

[Stargazer]

Yes those damn dreams are intense. And normally, unless Im dopesick, I don't dream intensely enough to remember them.

I do have distance from the person Im ready to strangle due to not having to live with or near them. But the after effects of what was done to me cause me to think about it-alot.

Today, Im a little calmer but still far from ok. On Tues and yesterday-I was close to constant rage. It was so uncomfortable.

Sim-some good just may come out of this in the end. This may be what I needed to finally cut this piece of crap out of my life finally. Feeling this way has been horrible-really horrible.

Thanks for the support. I really need it.

 

[simco]

Herby,

Yes, I had had the same fantasy--mindless work as some kind of zen exercise, or at least an alternative to the stress of my previous job. But as they say, wherever you go, there you are. Turns out I brought my ghosts with me.

I like the way you put things--I'll need to find something that doesn't place me at ground zero of my own insecurities.

At this point I'm thinking of putting some real effort into writing. I have a few projects lying in the shadows and maybe now is a time to bring them out.

Pretty sure I'm going to apply for school in a couple months. Maybe this is a good time to give myself a chance at writing. After all, I'll be poor once school starts...why wait?

 

[bfreberg1978]

My name is Brian K Freberg and I'm an addict. 4 years ago I was diagnosed with bi-latteral forminal stenosis, cervical ridiculopothy, severe degeneration of my c3,4 and 5. I had bulging discs" meaning the liquid was popping out the sides of what was remaining of my very broken discs. I went to my doctor for help because I needed relief. Relief from no sleep, relief from the grueling and constant pain radiating from the center of my back all the way up through my neck with constant nerve pain shooting all the way down my left arm into my very numb fingertips . Who would have ever thought 90 oxycontin monthly which is a very strong 12 hour time release pain medication and a fast acting roxycodone "120 pills" wouldn't be enough? Not me. In the beginning those pills lasted almost the whole month. During the next year, they went faster and faster, leaving me in an absolute state of physical, psychological and chemical withdrawl. So I did what any normal person would do and told my doctor who kept adjusting the pain medication to a larger dosage. Why wouldn't I have trust in this person who had a medical degree?

You see, in the beginning I had no educational understanding of what was happening to me on a very psychological and physiologically fundamental level. I trusted the doctors and I believed them when they said I would not get addicted, because why wouldn't I believe this person with 15 years of education? The doctors never told me that these drugs we're going to hijack my brain. That they would rob me of the necessary chemicals to feel even the least bit of happiness unless I took another pill. They didn't tell me that I would be anxious and angry all the time and with the most soul crushing depression a human can face or that I would become a slave to these drugs and be stigmatized by every person around me that didn't understand. That I would not sleep through the night because i would wake up to horrible withdrawl symptoms and that I would need them just to wake up in the morning more than I needed a cup of coffee. They didn't tell me that I would feel sick all of the time and they didn't tell me that when I stopped it would be the single most difficult thing I had ever done in my 38 years of life.

Little by little and month by month as each prescription was swallowed, I sank deeper and deeper into oblivion. The doctors promised help through pointless procedures, such as at least eight or nine epidurals. They took a 17 gauge needle and plunged it into my spine all with the promise of relief. They performed procedures called radiofrequency ablation to burn the offending nerves so they would die, all causing even more nerve damage and constant chronic pain. All with the promise of relief. Nothing worked. Nerve conduction tests were done over and over again as well as useless MRI'S. I say useless because they knew after the first MRI that surgery was necessary.

But let me ask you a question. Why would a doctor who is prescribing pain medication offer a suggestion of surgery when every month they get to prescribe a lot more of the medication, do unnecessary procedures and line their pockets to buy their next house or Mercedes Benz? This is a sad but very true reality of the world and climate we currently live in. I didn't ask to become an addict, I was sold a faulty bill of goods.

My education through this has been the single most profound tool at my disposal. I needed to understand what was happening to me in order to get free of this nightmare.

You see, after I finally had the surgery, the surgery I should have had to begin with. I asked my doctors for help in the withdrawal process "trusting them again" but desperate for help. Their answer was to either increase the doses of my current drugs or I should take either methadone or Suboxone. Neither of which were appealing, but as an addict I didn't want to be so sick that I would have rathered die then be faced with that dilemma. Please let me explain.

Day 1-5...Flu symptoms worse than any flu you have ever experience in your life. A restlessness in your entire body which can only be described as electricity running through every nerve in your entire Central Nervous system. Legs kicking and arms flailing. Your freezing in such a way as to describe it as being put outside in 30 degree weather without any clothes on and yet your sweating. Your hypothalamus has failed you!!! Diareah so bad that it can only be described as peeing out of your rectum every 2-5 minutes, so aware of the passage of time that your literally counting each second as though its an eternity. I lost 10 pounds in 2 days. Healthy, right ? But wait, it gets worse. You feel so emotionally wrecked because guess what, as it turns out we need dopamine and endorphins in order to feel happy and not sad. Depression worse then anything you have ever felt before in your life. As though all of the color drained out of life and their is nothing left to live for. Lets not forget about the anxiety which is because adrenaline is absolutely pumping through your body, leaving you incapable of one moments worth of sleep or rest and you feel the most incredible pain because your brain doesn't know how to produce endorphins " a natural pain blocker" and dopamine. The insomnia is the worst. I didn't sleep for almost 20 days.

And so I took the suboxone for 5 and a half month's. Well guess what. One day I asked him to lower my dose of the new "miracle drug" called suboxone. I came to the appointment armed with 4 year's of grueling research and a pool of knowledge that probably was more understood by me, "the lowly peon" without a degree then by this legal drug dealer. He wanted no part of this and from that moment on I knew I needed to take complete control. He didn't care and so I needed to stay in the drivers seat with my only tool and that's called education. I spent hours a day doing homework, taking notes and looking for ways to break these horrible chain of catastrophic rinse and repeat events and that is when I got the news that my insurance was dropping me. And that my doctor "supplier" was letting me go as his patient. I needed a plan and fast before I ran out of my suboxone entirely. With my new insurance I thought I could by more time. So I started calling other suboxone providers and out of the 45 doctors I called, would you believe that not one accepted my privately owned insurance ? Well believe it. They all wanted cash.

Lets put that into perspective. Suboxone doctors can only take 100 patients a month and they only accept cash at 200 dollars a visit twice monthly. That's 40,000 dollars a month for these untrained doctors who are not addiction specialists. But I digress, they care right ? Wrong!!!

It's a trap that millions of people fall pray to every year. 56,000 American's died last year becsuse of this epidemic. That's more than car accidents and gunshot victims combined and its because they were lied to.

The worst part is the post acute withdrawl syndrome which last for up to 2 years as our brains heal. I'm almost 4 months clean. Everyday is a fight kicking and screaming. But it does get better. This is my abridged version. I could write a book. The best thing people can do is to arm themselves with the truth. Knowledge is power.

 

[Stargazer]

Due to chronic pain, exhausting all known treatments for my condition, I was given OxyContin and told it was non-addictive. It was my gateway drug.

It has ruined my life for years. I was clean for 1.5 yrs and have been struggling for over a year now again. If I had known OxyContin was addictive I wouldn't have taken it.

Yes, don't blindly listen to any Dr w/o doing research.

And we all understand the horror of opiate w/d up close and personal. I'm sorry you also have experience. And congratulations on almost 4mos clean!

 

[simco]

Stories about medical paths into addiction are chilling. We trust our doctors to do right by us, and it's awful how wrong things sometimes go.

There is a question I've always had about addicted people who started via prescribed narcotics. And in NO WAY do I mean this to sound insensitive. Did either of you (or anyone else) have any inklings that you might end up addicted whe. You started? It sounds like not.

I ask just because of my own mindset when I started with heroin. I knew it was brutally addictive. But a) I thought I could control it, and b) deep down I was depressed as fuck and didn't think I cared if I got strung out. It was only once I was in really deep that I saw that addiction is more awful than I had naively believed.

 

[Stargazer]

No Sim. I had no idea at all. In fact, compared to fiorinal w codeine I thought they were "mild".

I was started on 10mg of OxyContin 3x/day at first and within a year was prescribed 5 80mg a day.

It took me about 5mos to realize I was addicted. I thought I had the flu when I went through withdrawal. To this day, I remember the moment I put it together and realized "Omg, Im addicted to OxyContin ". It was gut-wrenching.

I have been thinking about sharing my entire story-from OxyContin to IV heroin.

Purdue knew exactly what they were doing and thousands of people sued them in the late 90's. I should've been one of them.

I don't believe my Dr. at that time knew they were addictive. He said, when he first prescribed them to me "These are non-addictive and long-acting. They've much better than taking the short-acting meds that you could become addicted to". Yeah ok.

 

[simco]

Gosh, 10year...that story is awful. I hope you will consider telling us your story on BL. I for one would be all ears.

 

[Stargazer]

I cried everyday for 9months after I got off of OxyContin. It was mentally more difficult than IV heroin. That's a fact.

 

[simco]

Today makes 9 months since I quit heroin.

My recent move--leaving my career and home of 13 years for a new adventure in a new US state--has thrown me into more turmoil than I anticipated. But overall, I'm feeling OK. I certainly don't regret leaving my job. And I love my new town. But the move definitely brought back to the foreground a lot of issues that I'd been able to ignore for a while. Who am I actually? What is my life for? Am I capable of happiness or am I bound to a life of jumping from place to place, job to job, looking for validation that doesn't exist? Why can't I enjoy the many positive things about my life?

These nagging questions have definitely brought back cravings for drugs. I've been dreaming about heroin. I've caught myself considering ways to score (though not considering them seriously). But I'm pretty confident that these are just fantasies, and that the self doubt is just that--self doubt.

Overall, I'm extremely happy to have this distance between me and those bad days.

Peace and love to all.

 

[Stargazer]

Official Congratulations on 9 mos Sim! ??

You certainly have changed people, places and things. Even good changes, which from what you've shared of your journey to this point I believe this is, are stressful and require an adjustment period.

I love that you're thinking about focusing on your writing. I really do love reading your threads-especially the longer ones. I wish you had a published book-I need something good to read.

You are going to be ok.