Tapering Benzo withdrawal: Losing my mind

[cj]

I used it excessively for about nine months before I ultimately gave it up around 2012. Have only dabbled with it since here and there. Haven't shot any drugs in well over 2 years though, and haven't been using any hard drugs in the same time period.

A lot of people end up with many problems. I sensed I was one of the few who could "keep on" with it, but I'm glad I didn't.

I get all the problems when I use stims. But my friend sounds like you he never feigns out or gets overly paranoid. Congrats on the 2 years man. I am coming up on 2 years of not being addicted to heroin in june which is crazy to think about.

My clinic is still pushing for total complete abstinence from all drugs I strait told my counselor that wasn't going to happen. She is a nice lady so I hated being so blunt but I came there to get off heroin no more no less. Ever since I quit weed for the clinic my life has started regressing so I am gonna cut the other drugs smoke pot and eat my kpin and gabapentin script. If that gets me kicked out then the blood is on they hands when I die from street smack.

Oh well im having a good day so im gonna fucking enjoy it!

 

[F'Loki]

If people feel bad because you feel like you've made no progress with the benzo taper....Don't. I am at 10 months and relapsed right back to square 1.

March last year was on 30mg diazepam
Got down to 5mg by May.
Then life stuff happened (armed robbery whilst overseas working - AK-47s in the face not so fun for WDs!) and I just hovered around 5-10mg until October, where I got down to 2mg for a week. Sooooooooo close. Yet so so far.
By January 2nd this year me and my wife come back home on what was supposed to be a temporary holiday ..... Unlucky me, I end up getting kidney stones - I get hooked on my opiate pain meds, and go nuts with illicit diazepam and some xanax and k-pins thrown in for good measure...Then start buying some Heroin and Oxy on top of the dihydrocodeine prescribed meds. Now I have a dual addiction and outpatient rehab.

On the bright side I did not find the taper very painful at all, perhaps because I was travelling and working overseas it occupied me enough? Or it might've been because I was taking it slowly and had a GP with the Ashton Taper Schedule and who understood the need to take it slowly.

It's incredibly frustrating being stuck back at square one, but relapses happen. Learn from it, try not to dwell too much (though I need to take my advice more than most on this matter lol). I don't think looking through message boards online and reading about how benzos can permanently damage your brain and cause dementia etc is at all helpful, it'll just feed that WD anxiety and make you paranoid to the point many symptoms become psychosomatic.....Sure, they do cause damage, but so do A LOT of other substances. Even alcohol is toxic. And I am a firm believer your brain and body can regenerate: It's remarkable the kind of abuse our bodies and minds can actually take, and how they can regenerate. Meditation (no, you dont need to be a hippie or a religious person to practice meditation and reap the rewards), getting exercise (even if it's just walking or gardening) and a good diet will go a very long way to reversing a lot of the damage, I believe.

The real challenge is not relapsing and dealing with cravings - but remembering these cravings are temporary and if you just let them pass and find things you enjoy doing instead they seem to pass much quicker....But of course, I need to take my own advice here. lol
None of us are perfect.

 

[Stargazer]

^^Great advice. I slipped for s month or so w IV heroin after being clean for a yr and a half of a little longer. Got a dependence back.

Ive been trying to stay kind to myself and not brutally beat myself up. Im doing my best trying to get back on the right track. I think that's what's important. I hate feeling the w/d. But - hope it will pass quickly.

 

[Jabberwocky]

If people feel bad because you feel like you've made no progress with the benzo taper....Don't. I am at 10 months and relapsed right back to square 1.

March last year was on 30mg diazepam
Got down to 5mg by May.
Then life stuff happened (armed robbery whilst overseas working - AK-47s in the face not so fun for WDs!) and I just hovered around 5-10mg until October, where I got down to 2mg for a week. Sooooooooo close. Yet so so far.
By January 2nd this year me and my wife come back home on what was supposed to be a temporary holiday ..... Unlucky me, I end up getting kidney stones - I get hooked on my opiate pain meds, and go nuts with illicit diazepam and some xanax and k-pins thrown in for good measure...Then start buying some Heroin and Oxy on top of the dihydrocodeine prescribed meds. Now I have a dual addiction and outpatient rehab.

On the bright side I did not find the taper very painful at all, perhaps because I was travelling and working overseas it occupied me enough? Or it might've been because I was taking it slowly and had a GP with the Ashton Taper Schedule and who understood the need to take it slowly.

It's incredibly frustrating being stuck back at square one, but relapses happen. Learn from it, try not to dwell too much (though I need to take my advice more than most on this matter lol). I don't think looking through message boards online and reading about how benzos can permanently damage your brain and cause dementia etc is at all helpful, it'll just feed that WD anxiety and make you paranoid to the point many symptoms become psychosomatic.....Sure, they do cause damage, but so do A LOT of other substances. Even alcohol is toxic. And I am a firm believer your brain and body can regenerate: It's remarkable the kind of abuse our bodies and minds can actually take, and how they can regenerate. Meditation (no, you dont need to be a hippie or a religious person to practice meditation and reap the rewards), getting exercise (even if it's just walking or gardening) and a good diet will go a very long way to reversing a lot of the damage, I believe.

The real challenge is not relapsing and dealing with cravings - but remembering these cravings are temporary and if you just let them pass and find things you enjoy doing instead they seem to pass much quicker....But of course, I need to take my own advice here. lol
None of us are perfect.

If you are interested it would be a great resource to our community if you wanted to start a recovery journal thread documenting your experiences with recovery, relapse and moving forward. Just a though. I have enjoyed reading your posts. You have a great head on your shoulders!

 

[F'Loki]

What me? You're trying to encourage me to keep the mohawk aren't you

But then I won't be able to enjoy me complimentary Tecaté and chat with my local barber friend Jesse who is kind enough to give me the local employ discount. Shit, I'd also pay just to be able to catch up on local gossip. Barber shops really can be a great resource for that. More reliable than bar or club gossip even

You really remind me of Noah Levine lol That's a compliment btw.

 

[F'Loki]

I have already unintentionally started one:

http://www.bluelight.org/vb/threads/815727-Journal-of-an-addict-on-the-road-to-recovery

If you think it will help in any way with the community here, then please, you can do whatever you like with it. It's my gift to the world and will maybe extinguish some negative karma

lol I don't think I have a great head on my shoulders, but thanks . I'm a junkie 9 days into recovery and I can give some good advice sometimes and explain Buddhist philosophy to people in a way that is helpful to them and without being a preachy asshole.....But when it comes to practicing it myself....haha. Well, i'm a real hypocrite tbh. And that is the truth.

But that will change as everything does. I am very hopeful of that.

F'loki

 

[cj]

I have already unintentionally started one:



I can give some good advice sometimes and explain Buddhist philosophy to people in a way that is helpful to them and without being a preachy asshole.....But when it comes to practicing it myself....haha. Well, i'm a real hypocrite tbh. And that is the truth.


F'loki

That describes 90 percent of the posters here buddy. Your in good company

 

[NiceEnough]

I try my best. But yeah, the 90% includes me too! At the moment anyway...

 

[F'Loki]

haha well being brutally honest with yourself is half the battle I guess so I am happy to be one of the 90%

 

[NiceEnough]

Being brutally honest as opposed to being brutal with yourself, both of which I do very often I am afraid...

 

[cj]

I really hope I can talk my mom into paying for my doc appointment tomorrow. I don't know what to do otherwise. I am out of kpin and have only 10mg of Xanax. Im getting really worried which makes me want to take more benzos. vicious cycle.

 

[F'Loki]

I really hope I can talk my mom into paying for my doc appointment tomorrow. I don't know what to do otherwise. I am out of kpin and have only 10mg of Xanax. Im getting really worried which makes me want to take more benzos. vicious cycle.

Yeah this is a classic worry for us benzo addicts! I really feel for you. I always get anxious when my meds start to run out and I am short of money. It does inevitably increase anxiety unfortunately.

I can only suggest you maybe "ration" the rest of your Xanax to make it last incase you can't get hold of more. At least that way you wont be paranoid about seizures and other severe withdrawals, you may just be uncomfortable for a while.

Do you take Diazepam too (or Diclazepam if you are desperate)? It's the best for tapering because even if you run out, the WDs wont kick in for sometimes a few days due to the long half life. Xanax really is just all round terrible due to short half life and thus WDs become a factor due to having to re-dose every 6 hours due to the short half life.

I am sure you know all this though. Sorry I am probably not being very helpful. But you should be at least able to stabilise on 2mg xananx a day if you say you are stable on 2mg k-pins a day.

 

[Agirl77]

Hey you, yeah....YOU. I know what you're going through. And I will tell you how it ends. I am a 25 year old girl and I spent the last 7 years on and off of any type of narcotics and benzos. I'm free...let me tell you how this feels. First, let me warn you.
Getting on drugs will give you the single most difficult, painful, soul-crushing experience in your life....soon or later. You've never experienced completely LOSING yourself and all form of life and hope like you will if you take for just one more day. Because one more day is just a precursor to an endless number of one more days. I know you don't believe me....I know you think you have control....I know you've heard that before....but you don't....and you won't. Because if you take for one more day thinking you can stop tomorrow....tomorrow never comes. Because why would you wake up and choose to stop taking when you could just choose to do it "one more time"....to feel good today instead of bad. You won't. Don't tell me you will.
You might find yourself 7 years later and talking to your sister about how she gets the same high, happy, "all is good in the world" feeling without any drugs, as I do with them....and not be able to for one micro-second wrap your head around that idea or remember what that was like, or if you have even experienced that before. Because in the blink of an eye....you lose control....and you forget. And you look back and all you can remember is being unhappy without drugs...we can't seem to remember any joy we actually did feel...that's because the drug will refrain to give you any reason to let go of it.
So here I was....7 years later....after endless nights of crying and asking God to help me stop...but waking up the next day to choose to take something because why wouldn't you choose happiness if it came in an easy to take form? You would. And then it wears off and at night you find yourself crying and feeling the weighted blanket of shame covering your eyes all over again. But you live to quit another day. Tomorrow? Keep telling yourself that.

After talking with my sister about her joy and me not being able to fathom feeling it without drugs....I came to the end....I decided that I will never stop if I don't just do it NOW and choose to never look back. Am I ready? No. We will never be ready.
I needed to remember how that felt....it really was possible to feel joy and happiness like I do now without habitually taking something right before? I don't get it and it made my brain hurt and my heart ache that I couldn't grasp this. I really am not normal anymore.

So I stopped. Cold turkey.
I just decided that I am going to suffer....because if I don't feel the pain I need to feel from 7 years of drug use than I will never be terrified enough of returning. So I did...I didn't occupy my mind with other things to get it off of the withdrawals, no....I took it all in. Every restless leg jerk at 4am, every anxiety-ridden thought, every tear. And I just prepared myself for the worst....and somehow....that made it easier....
But cut to 6 days later. In the past withdrawals took about 3 days and on the third day it was either the worst and gone the next day or already gone completely. I think it's because in my mind I always had that blanket of drugs to run back to because I never fully committed myself to stopping for good.
But not this time....it's day 6 and for the past few days I gradually began feeling nothing.....just....nothing. And by nothing you're probably thinking...that doesn't sound all that bad. We hear in songs all of the time about feeling nothing and it somehow sounds attractive almost. But no...it's not. It's not at all what you imagine it to be like.
Imagine opening up your eyes in the morning to a feeling of complete apathy towards life. You have absolutely no desire and no motivation to get up. You look out of your window and all you can see is death...decay...surrounding and in everything. You feel no life. Nothing. Nothing except this hollow, empty, hungry feeling in your chest and gut that is driving you to the point of insanity.
Insanity? No....that's not actually all that attractive either.
I had NO idea who I was anymore...I didn't just feel nothing....I WAS nothing. There was not an ounce of life or juice or anything inside of me worth going on and worth fighting for. Why did I fight? I had no other choice. I decided drugs were not an option. And honestly....at this point....the only desire stronger than the idea of taking something to make this all go away....was the desire to just die.
And stop fighting.
But I just decided that wasn't an option either.
So on day 6....I lost all hope. I thought that I lost all hope on day 4.....but day 6 was a reminder that I did have a shred of hope still hiding in me somewhere on day 4. Now I have found out what it's like to ACTUALLY lose all hope.
Withdrawals are lasting too long this time and not even a shred of happiness has entered my lifeless being in the past 6 days. My brain just stopped producing ANY good chemicals. The brain heals right? Well when the spirit is broken....you'll start to lose faith in that too.
I just accepted that this was it for me. I am probably going to feel this for the rest of my life. And it's not that I'm okay with it....but I guess I just developed this coping mechanism in the past 6 days of suffering.... that was that, I accept this. I hate it. I hate me. But I'll go on. I gave myself no other choices.
I went to bed on day 6 feeling COMPLETE hopelessness.....really and truly weighing the idea that is it worth living anymore.....I had absolutely no idea that I would wake up the next morning and feel that first BURST of joy inside of my chest. It was more powerful and satisfying than I ever imagined it to be. I began waking up each day....deciding to get up and take a bath, get dressed, do whatever....simply because the idea of doing that made me feel good. I never ever imagined that I would feel this way or get to know what this feels like again after completely losing myself to drugs. But I did.
I truly believe that sometimes with withdrawals we need to hit COMPLETE rock bottom before there's no where else to go but up. So if you are feeling absolutely hopeless and like "will this ever end if so....when".....well, if you're as far down as you can possibly go, than probably tomorrow.
But you have to hit that.
The worse that you feel, the closer you are. And just know...you won't encounter anything that you really can't handle. We as humans developed a way of coping with anything. You will survive. So lose hope. But at the same time...don't.
Don't listen to anybody's stories online about how it took them weeks or months to recover....
It's all about how quickly you hit that rock bottom. So that you can fly again. And you might not be able to remember what that feels like....but you will. And just in time. Not a second too late.
It's worth it.

 

[cj]

I got the money. Now I'm in the doctor office waiting room. Now just the anxiety of whether he will write the script. Lol it never ends.

 

[cj]

Got my script now I'm getting it filled. I don't know if I have high blood pressure or if I am just nervous as crap the entire time I am in his office lol

 

[F'Loki]

I bet nervous as crap. "White coat syndrome" is just general anxiety of hospitals, doctors etc. Confounded massively by the benzo withdrawals.

Do you have a taper plan that you are happy with or what? And a support structure with counseling, workshops whatever suits you and just a general plan to eventually get off the benzos?

 

[cj]

\Do you have a taper plan that you are happy with or what? And a support structure with counseling, workshops whatever suits you and just a general plan to eventually get off the benzos?

.not really. I have a feeling this one is going to end in tears but its so damn fun right now. I mean I don't know eventually I will have to stop its just a question of what circumstances it happens in.

 

[Stargazer]

Glad it worked out for you cj!!! Those close calls are nerve wracking. And kudos for ignoring that long post that pissed me off on many levels. As if none of us knows where abusing drugs leads to. Rant over.

Im protective. That's not going to change.

 

[cj]

Glad it worked out for you cj!!! Those close calls are nerve wracking. And kudos for ignoring that long post that pissed me off on many levels. As if none of us knows where abusing drugs leads to. Rant over.

Im protective. That's not going to change.

close calls with benzos are terrifying. Cause just not taking them isn't an option. So its like doctor, drug dealer, hospital in that order if you run out. Anyway I am starting my job hunt today so hopefully I can pay my vredit card debt off at some point in the next 25 years :/. lol


Its all good hopefully she learns the culture here and becomes a valued member of the forum.

 

[Stargazer]

Indeed. Im now a seizure risk due to having seizures during the 2 heroin/morphine detoxes. Why I had them is a mystery. Don't drink and rarely take benzos- though I took 20mg of Valium today. Im on day 7 of not using dope.

I don't even feel the valium. And cj--subs didn't bring me much relief and gave me splitting headaches. Im headache prone though. Ive had chronic cluster headaches for years.

Thankyou so much for your help w answering my questions w the subs. Hope you're well.